


His Southern Belle (Steve Rogers Love Story)

by CreationCityStreet



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 1940s, Brooklyn, Christmas, F/M, Family, Love, Maddi Bennett, Madline Jane Bennett, New York City, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Avengers (2012), Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Romance, World War II
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2020-03-29 12:58:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 49
Words: 119,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19020403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreationCityStreet/pseuds/CreationCityStreet
Summary: Madeline Jane Bennett moved from a small southern town to New York City after her family died in a tornado in 1932. She moved in with her aunt and uncle, met Steve and Bucky, and quickly became their friend. However, as they grew older, she began to develop feelings for her best friend and he did for her as well. Follow their story from young teenagers into the events of World War II to see how Maddi grows and how her relationship with Steve develops.





	1. Chapter 1

September 5, 1932

 

I stood in front of the small class while my new teacher introduced me. I was in my best knee length dress trying to make the best first impression but I quickly realized the style in my hometown was very different from that of teenagers in New York. The girls seemed to have a little more money than my family as they wore nicer clothes and styled their hair to the newest fashion. My long red curls were probably a little too messy and I didn’t wear the same socks and shoes as the them. I tried not to show how uncomfortable I felt when our teacher asked me to say my name to the class. I smiled and said “My name is Madeline Bennett, but my Mama and Daddy called me Maddi.” I immediately heard laughter from the students and it made me feel twice as self conscious. It must be my accent, people in Brooklyn definitely sounded different than those in Tennessee. As soon as the teacher let me sit, I chose the only empty seat next to small and skinny boy with blond hair. He smiled at me but it was not cruel like the other kids when I walked to my seat, so I gave a small smile back.

 

During lunch, I sat alone until I heard the sound of a boy talking in front of me, “hey new girl, you know I can show you around if you want. I know some great places we can sneak off to together.” I politely declined as I could tell his intentions did not seem innocent. He continued to push “Come on, look I know a lot of people laughed at you in class, but I can keep you safe baby doll. Once you’re with me, nobody will be laughing.” I immediately looked back down at my food trying to ignore the group of boys as they snickered behind the nameless boy who talked to me. I could tell this was probably a trick considering they were clearly still mocking me like before and I just wanted to be left alone. I tried to hold back tears as I thought about how much I  wished I could go back home with my family. 

 

Just then, two more boys came to my table and I thought it would only get worse. “Leave her alone Jason, she clearly doesn’t want to talk to you right now,” the smaller of the two said. I now recognized him as the boy I sat next to in class. 

 

“Alright Rogers, what are you going to do to stop me?” It was a fair questions, the boy was half a foot smaller than Jason and clearly much skinnier than the already developing teen. 

 

“Listen Gally, I know you can see me standing right next to Steve here so you clearly should know when to keep your mouth shut. Now the lady said no earlier so I think you should respect her wishes and take your friends and leave.” Jason Gally stared at the taller boy, who looked more like a man, and finally decided to leave. I continued to remain frozen in place after everything that happened, until I saw the two that helped me start to walk away as well. 

 

“Wait!” I called to them as I wanted to tell them I appreciated what they did. They turned around and looked at me and I musked up my courage to keep talking despite knowing they will clearly hear my accent. “Thank you for that. I got your name, Steve, but I didn’t really catch yours,” I said to the taller one.

 

“James Barnes, but everyone calls me Bucky.” 

 

“Well Bucky, Steve, thank you again.”

 

“It was no problem, Maddi right?” Steve questioned to make sure he remembered my name correctly. I was pleasantly surprised and nodded my head yes.

 

I took a leap of faith and suddenly asked, “would y’all like to sit with me?” They stared at me for a second and I tried to explain myself quickly, “It’s just that I’m new and don’t have any friends yet. You two were so kind to stand up for me and I just wanted to know if maybe you would want to sit with me.” I prayed I didn’t just scare the two nice people in front of me off but then they looked at each other and sat down across the table from me. I started to smile as they began to ask me about where I was from and why I moved to Brooklyn. “I’m from Tennessee, and I moved here to live with my Aunt and Uncle. They’re the only family I really have left.” they stayed quiet knowing I didn’t want to go too deep into that subject just yet. 

 

It was towards the end of lunch and Steve said “Well Maddi, I’m glad we met you. Bucky is a year older than us but we still hang out after school. Where do you live, maybe we can walk home together?” I told them the general area I moved to and they both eagerly said they lived near there. We made plans to meet after school and despite all the terrible things that recently happened to me, I was happy to have made friends.

* * *

 

September 24, 1932

“How has school been going, Maddi?” Aunt Lily asked as I ate dinner with her and Uncle Ryan.

“Alright. I made a couple friends, but I don’t really seem to fit in with the class. They dress and talk different than back home.” I played with my food a bit while I thought about how the last couple weeks have been. Steve and Bucky were definitely very nice to call friends and I liked spending time with them, but girls still gave me strange looks and boys would bother me if I wasn’t with my new companions. 

“Well, our neighbors have a granddaughter on the other side of town about a year or two older than you. I’ll see if she has any extra dresses you can have,” Aunt Lily offered. I knew she and Uncle Ryan felt bad for not having enough money to spend on me, but I really didn’t mind. With their two children already grown and moved across the country, they didn’t exactly plan to pay for an extra mouth to feed. Times were hard enough as it was without unexpected expenses. I never actually met these family members before: we never had the money to travel, but I heard about them a lot. 

* * *

  
  


September 30, 1932

I wore my new dress that seemed to match more with the girls at school and it made me feel a little less nervous, but I also felt sad to be giving up more and more from my life in Tennessee. I sat with Steve and Bucky at lunch like I did everyday, and we talked about frivolous things until I asked Steve what was in the book he always carried around. 

“It’s a sketch pad, I like to draw,” he said shyly.

“Can I see?” I asked and he hesitantly handed me his sketch pad and I flipped through the pages in awe. Each piece of paper had beautifully drawn pictures of buildings and landscapes. He had a few with people, but one close up of a young woman and man who looked in their early 20s. “Who are they?” I curiously questioned.

“That’s my parents,” he said quietly. “It’s from a picture when they were newly married. I don’t really remember my dad, he died in the Great War.”

“I’m sorry,” I said hoping I didn’t make him feel sad as I know how it feels to lose a parent. “I lost my ma when I was young too, not as young but still I was 5 when she got sick.” 

“Is that why you moved?” Bucky asked me.

“No, I still lived with my daddy and brother, Alex, until this summer when a storm hit and they both died. I was with a friend when it hit and a tornado took down my entire house and my family inside.” 

“Jeez, I’m sorry Maddi,” Steve said as I fought back a few tears thinking about what happened. 

“Don’t worry about it. I was lucky to have Aunt Lily and Uncle Ryan to take me when they heard, and now I got to meet you two so that’s good I guess.” I always tried to look towards the better things in situations but it was always hard.

“Well, you’re officially a our friend so there’s no getting out of it now,” Bucky said with a smirk.

“Only now it’s official? What has been the last month then?”I asked with a laugh.

“A trial friendship,” Steve stated smiling.

“Yeah, just to make sure you weren’t crazy or anything” said Bucky.

“I’m glad y’all think I’m worthy of being your friend then!” i winked at them as I continued the joke. We all laughed as we finished our food and headed back to class for the day.

* * *

  
  


December 24, 1932

“The snow is so beautiful on Christmas,” I sighed as I walked through the park with Steve and Bucky like we sometimes did together. 

“It sure is, but I’ve always wanted to see snow where there were no buildings in sight. Just miles of it with nothing else to mess the blanket of white up,” Steve told me as we saw children running through the already played in snow.

“That would be some sight to see, but wouldn’t it be wasted? Look at how happy all this available snow makes everyone, that’s something worth drawing.” I said this as I knew that was one of the reasons he probably liked the idea of untouched snow: to be able to draw the scene. “Draw me and Bucky!”

“What?” Bucky questioned, not sure what he had to do with this topic.

“Draw us playing in the snow,”  I requested with a smile. Bucky quickly got the idea and ran towards a clean pile. He made a snowball and threw it directly at me hitting me on the shoulder. “Alright Barnes, you have it coming to you now!” and I laughed while I ran to make a snowball as well except I missed when throwing it at him. He laughed at me until I made another and hit him square in the face. I heard a chuckle from Steve and I looked over at him sitting on a nearby bench watching us and making small rough sketches in his book. “Come one Steve, put it to memory and come play with us!” He looked slightly surprised for a second until he put his book down and came over to join our snowball fight. We did this for about an hour until we sat down on the bench to rest. Steve quickly went right back to his book to continue his scene he started on. We sat in silence for a while just taking in the day.

“What are your holiday plans, Maddi?” Bucky asked.

“I’m not sure. We haven’t really talked about it. We’ll probably go to Mass tonight and I got a small present for my aunt and uncle tomorrow. I don’t really expect much of a present for myself; besides, my favorite part has always been Christmas Eve Mass. My daddy and Alex and I would go and then always visit mama after. I guess I can’t see any of them this year since their all buried in Tennessee.” I had never really thought of that until now and it quickly took away all of my joy from playing in the snow before. “They would have liked you guys,” I added before they could reply. “You're both gentlemen and passionate about what you care for.”

“They’d like Bucky,” Steve tried to clarify as he continued to draw. 

“No, they’d like you both,” I told him with confidence. “Especially you, your heart is much more kind than this silly guy sitting next to me,” I laughed as I sat between them and gestured towards Bucky. 

“Hey!” Bucky said with a smile. “Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to say it!” Steve just stayed quiet and had a slight blush on his face. 

I put my arms around both their necks and said “thank you for making Brooklyn more bearable.”

“You did that,” Steve said as he looked at me and I smiled back at him. 

* * *

  
  


December 25, 1932

There was a knock on the door and I went to answer it. When I opened the door, Steve stood there waiting and I gave him a surprised smile. “Hey,” he started. “I know today is mostly spending with family so I’ll try to be quick. I just wanted to give you your present.”

“Steve, you didn’t have to get me anything!” I began to feel bad as I had nothing to give in return.

“It’s nothing, here.” He handed me a piece of paper and I saw it was a beautiful drawing of Bucky and I in the snow from the previous day. I just stared at it for a few seconds in awe before he continued, “Sorry it isn’t that detailed, I was trying to finish as quick as I could and the shading might not be-” I cut him off by hugging him.

“I love it!” I said as he wrapped his arms back around me. “I love the art you make, it’s so good. Thank you for giving me one, it really means a lot.” We both let go and and he was redder than I had ever seen him before. 

“Well, I’ll keep that in mind,” he said with a chuckle. We then said our goodbyes and he went back home to spend the rest of the day with his mother. 


	2. Chapter 2

March 3, 1933

 

“Thank you for inviting me for dinner, Mrs. Rogers.” I sat with Steve and his mother after he told me she requested I came over. 

 

“Oh it is not problem, dear. Steve has said so many wonderful things about you this year and I wanted to meet you,” she replied with a kind smile. 

 

“Mom,” Steve said quietly as if to get her to stop talking.

 

“Well I was looking forward to meeting you too,” and I smiled to Steve as well in hopes of letting him know everything was alright and he didn’t need to be nervous.”Steve is a wonderful friend, and if it weren’t for him and Bucky, moving here would have been much harder.”

 

“I love your accent Maddi, where are you from again?”

 

“Tennessee, a small town just southwest of Nashville.” My accent was definitely something I was not aware of until people pointed it out in New York and I was very nervous of how people saw it. It made me happy that Steve’s mother liked it. 

 

“I bet a big city like New York is a little overwhelming for you then?”

 

“Yes Ma’am it is, but try to get my way around with help from friends,” and I smiled again at the quiet Steve eating his food as he looked at at me. We continued to eat and talk, with Steve sometimes adding to the conversation but he mainly just listen to me and his mother talk. After dinner Steve offered to walk me home and so we walked to way to my house which was a little over a half mile. 

 

“I hope my mom wasn’t too much for you,” Steve said about halfway there.

 

“Oh no, she was just the dearest! I enjoyed talking with her and I hope I can again sometime.”

 

“Well she certainly seemed to like you.”

 

“Well it wasn’t hard with you talking me up before I even met her!” I laughed as a playfully bumped Steve’s shoulder which was a little lower than mine. He turned very red my words and didn’t really know what to say as he stuttered for an answer. “Don’t worry Rogers, I’m very flattered by it.” Steve was very nice, but sometimes was at a loss for words. Luckily I was very comfortable with talking anyone’s ear off once I got to know them. We went the rest of the way with me doing just that until we reached my house and said our goodbyes.

 

* * *

  
  


April 14, 1933

 

It was just me and Bucky walking home from school because Steve had gotten sick. Bucky lived closer to him than I did so he knew what was wrong, “It’s mostly his Asthma. Spring is especially hard with common allergies being high already; it makes it really difficult for him to breath.”

 

“Oh dear, I hope he’s doing alright!” I worried for him because he got sick often. He was much weaker than most people our age, and we didn’t talk about it much but it was very scary to think he could end up so sick it could be fatal. At least Bucky and I had each other to share our concern with. “Wish him well for me if you see him okay?” I asked as we were about to part ways to our own homes.

 

“Sure will,” he replied with a small smile that made me feel like he was thinking of more than a friendly concern for Steve’s health.

 

* * *

  
  


April 29, 1933

 

Steve and I were walking to a diner across town to meet Bucky after he had practice for yet another sport he decided to pick up, and before we got there we ran into Jason Gally and a couple of his friends. “Hey Rogers, what are you doing walking alone with Madeline huh?” Jason was under the illusion that I would go on a date with him, and he constantly bothered me hoping I would give in. 

 

“I don’t think you have any business to know who Maddi spends time with,” Steve replied with confidence.

 

“He’s my friend, Jason. I don’t need to explain that to you,” I added.

 

“See, I don’t think that will entire fly. I see the way he looks at you Maddi, he likes you. I mean, I don’t blame him, but it’s just sad to see such a pathetic chap try to go for a prize like you.”

 

“Yeah that’s real classy Jason, perfect way to charm me.”

 

“Why don’t you come with me and I’ll take you on a real nice date, somewhere this loser would never be able to take you.”

 

“I want you and your friends to leave Gally,” Steve said stepping slightly in front of me and I tried to stay strong as I thought of how much of a disadvantage we were. Jason and his friends weren’t particularly strong, but they certainly outmatched Steve and I. 

 

“You’re adorable, Rogers. I’m just gonna have to teach you to stay away from what I want.” In less than a second, his two friends came and grabbed me. I tried to kick them away but the two of them held me to tightly that it was hard for me to move. As this happened, Jason punched Steve hard in the face. 

 

“Steve!” I cried as he fell to the ground from the blow. He got back up and held his hands up.

 

“You let her go,” Steve said with blood on his face and I continued to struggle to get to him. Jason just laughed as Steve tried to punch him but he dodge it and threw another hit back. This sent Steve back with just as much force as the first one and I felt tears down my face as I didn’t know how to help. 

 

Just as quickly as it started, Bucky appeared and hit Jason square in the face. It spooked the two guys holding me enough for them to loosen their grip. I pushed them off and I fell to the ground. I quickly crawled towards Steve as Bucky told the three guys, all younger than him, “You better leave now or you’ll get worse than one punch to the face.” they quickly ran but I paid less attention to them as I was focused on Steve still on the floor. I pulled him up to a sitting position to find him with a bloody nose and cracked lip. 

 

“Why would you do that Steve? He hurt you because of me!” I was still crying for my hurt friend. 

 

“He shouldn’t talk about you like you belong to him. It wasn’t right.” he lightly took hold of my arm which I now noticed was slightly scraped from the fall to the ground. “Are you okay, you’re hurt.”

 

“You crazy person!” I said with a half laugh half cry. “I’m fine, you’re the one really hurt. Bucky help get him up.” We both pull him up as I also stand with him. 

 

“Let’s go clean you up, pal.” Bucky patted him on the back and I followed them to the diner to get some cloths to wash his face. 

 

“As I wipe his face in our booth and Bucky gets our food I say, “Thank you for protecting me, Steve.” He just signed in response and his reaction confused me.

 

“But I didn’t protect you. Gally beat me up while his friends grabbed you, If Bucky hadn’t showed up I-” he paused and closed his eyes in pain, but clearly not just from the wounds on his face. “I just wish I could have done more.”

 

“You did more than enough. You stood your ground and did everything you could, and I’m glad I had you with me.” He finally smiled slightly and I smiled back. We waited for Bucky to return with our food and tried to continue the evening without thinking about the events on our way to the diner. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

July 4, 1933

 

“Happy Birthday!” Bucky and I yelled as we handed him a wrapped gift that we had been saving up together to get him.

 

“Guys, I didn’t need a gift.”

 

“Be quiet you punk and just take the gift. It was Maddi’s idea, she picked it out,” Bucky said with a smirk.

 

“You helped!” I told him. Steve was unwrapping the brown paper and saw a new box of over 50 new colored pencils. He held it in awe. “You don’t have many colors and the ones you do are either old and small or broken so I thought you could use some new ones! Do you like them?”

 

“Maddi, I love them!” he hugged me and then quickly let go. “Thank you,” he said with a blush. “You too Bucky, thanks.” Bucky patted him on the back. 

 

“Alright, let’s go see your fireworks,” Bucky declared as it was starting to get dark. 

 

“It’s so cool that you’re birthday is today. It’s like the show is put on just for you!” I smiled at how his birthday was so special because Steve deserved it. We headed up toward the roof of their building because it had an amazing view, according to Bucky. We sat near the edge and waited for the fireworks to start, which I was very excited for since small towns usually didn’t have a huge show for the fourth but only a few fireworks set off. 

 

“They’re starting!” Bucky exclaimed as one went off. “You’re going to love them, Maddi!” I sat next to the right of Steve who was in the middle as a huge smile formed on my face at the repeating display of lights and sounds as the fireworks exploded in the sky. It was more beautiful than I thought it was going to be. I look at Steve to see if he is enjoying it as much as I was since it was his birthday, and I saw him with a slight smile but he was looking at me and not the sky. 

 

“You like them?” He asked with slightly pink cheeks.

 

“They’re beautiful! I love them so much Steve, Happy Birthday!” I wanted to remind him they are supposed to be for him and not me so he should be watching them but he just shook his head. He looked back at the sky and I then took my turn to stare at him for a few seconds before turning my head as well. Despite being smaller than all of the men in our class, he was still rather attractive in my eyes. I quickly pushed away that thought as I didn’t want to make it feel awkward whenever I was with him. Bucky was attractive too and I didn’t have random thoughts about it so I needed to make sure I kept them to myself as they were my only friends. We sat on the roof long after the fireworks ended and continued to have a wonderful time just in each other’s company like we often do. 

 

* * *

  
  
  


October 15, 1933

 

During the start of this school year, some of the girls started to talk to me more than the previous year. I wasn’t sure what the shift was, whether it be my better transition into their style of clothing or just the fact that I had been there long enough to feel a bit more normal, but I accepted the new friendships with some hidden happiness. Once talking with some of the girls, I noticed they were much more kind than I thought and figured they were probably just nervous around someone so new. I tried to divide my time evenly with them and Bucky and Steve, which didn’t always go over well with either of the groups.

 

“Why do you still spend time with them?” Alice said as I came to sit with her and the rest of the girls after talking to Steve and Bucky. 

 

“Alice, it’s obvious!” Megan cut in. “It’s Bucky Barnes, I would do anything to get to spend more time with him.” She stared in their direction and suppressed a giggle. 

 

“Bucky is very nice,” I started.

 

“And handsome,” Helen added.

 

“Plus he’s an older guy!” Megan said with a smirk. 

 

“Well, he’s just a friend. Him and Steve were the first people I became friends with here.” I could tell they would completely ignore Steve at any chance if they were to be close with Bucky. 

 

“You have to admit he’s wonderful to look at though,” Megan told me.

 

“Yeah, they are both rather attractive,” I replied.

 

“Oh, you don’t mean Rogers too?” Alice asked with an look of disgust on her face.

 

“Yeah, he’s so small and he’s so pale he always looks like he’s dying.” Helen took a bite of food as she said this. It made me a little uncomfortable to hear them talk so poorly of Steve. I hate how no girl will even give him a chance because of his physical stature. He may be a little sickly and small, but he has the kindest heart and would do anything for those he loves.

 

“I’m pretty pale,” I pointed out, which was true. I had lighter skin and freckles. “Steve is really nice, and I know he may not look like most men, but he is much better than a lot out there. He’s a gentleman, and I still think he is quite handsome actually.” They didn’t say anything about the subject after that; they just had disbelieving looks on their faces. We spent the rest of the lunch talking about different hairstyles that were nice and new ways to wear makeup without overspending on it. I didn’t really have any makeup at all because I didn’t have enough money for brand new clothes, let alone makeup. Plus I wouldn’t even know how to put it on as nobody ever taught me. 

 

“You know, I have some extra at home, Maddi. Nothing special, just something to make your blue eyes pop. I can even show you how to use it correctly,” Alice told me. I thanked her with a smile and she said I could come over after school to try it. 

 

After school that day, Steve came to me and asked if I wanted to walk a bit with him. “I can’t, I’m going over to Alice’s house,” I apologized for turning him down.

 

“Since when do you like hanging out with her? I mean I know you have since school started, but you never did last year.” I was getting tired of both my groups of friends disliking each other. 

 

“They’re not as bad as they seem, you know. A little shallow sometimes, yes, but they are really friendly too.” 

 

Steve sighed and said, “They only talk to you now because you dress and look like them.”

 

“That’s not true, it just took a while for us to finally talk!” I replied but inside couldn’t help but think he was right. “You don’t have to be so critical of who I talk to ya know.”

 

“I just don’t want you to start acting like them too is all.” 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

 

He sighed and turned to face directly at me. “You like science because you think it’s like real life magic; you like playing outside even if you get dirty because you think being inside all day is boring; you are adventurous and outgoing because you aren’t afraid of judgement. Also, you are kind and compassionate and don’t talk cruelly about people different from you.” I stared at him not sure how to respond. 

 

“Thanks for the concern, but I think I can handle things on my own. I’m still your friend first, same with Bucky.” I gave him a hug and then headed off to find Alice.

 


	4. Chapter 4

January 4, 1934 

 

I was walking out of school at the end of the day when one of the boys from an older class came up to me, “Hey, your name is Madeline, right?” He was tall and largely built, slightly more than Bucky but overall the same size. A handsome smile accompanied dark brown eyes and light brown hair. 

 

“Yeah! Sorry, I don’t believe I know your name,” I told him and he just shook his head with a chuckle.

 

“No worries, I’m John Kinney.”

 

“Well it is great to meet you John,” I said with a slight nod of the head and a smile on my face.

 

“Can I walk you home, Madeline? I don’t want you feeling lonely on your way.”

 

“That would be very kind of you,” I tell him with a slight smirk.  “and please call me Maddi.”

 

“Well, Maddi, I have seen you around school before and have thought you were just the prettiest girl I have ever met.” His forwardness made me blush stronger than I ever had before. “I would love to take you out to dinner sometime or maybe to a movie.”

 

“I don’t know,” I replied as we walked down the street. “I just met you and know nothing about you. Should I trust that it would be a nice date out?” 

 

“You can surely get to know me then and even a little right now if you wish. I promise I will show you a wonderful time and get you home safely before your parents even have a chance to worry.” I kept quiet about my parents, I didn’t want to tell him too much about me before I knew if he was someone I did fully trust. 

 

“Alright, I guess I’ll give you a chance. I’m free this Friday night if you want to go out to the diner near our school?”

 

He smiled bigger than before which I found to be actually very adorable. “I’m glad I’m walking you home now so I’ll know where to pick you up!” We walked the rest of the way in polite conversation where he tried to guess where I was from based on my accent, and I tried to guess what sport he loved to play. I was the successful one with getting baseball on my first try. We made each other laugh and before we knew it we were outside my building. 

 

“This is where I say goodbye,” I said as we stopped by the door.

 

“Already? I’m glad I will get that date on Friday or else I feel cheated out of getting to know you more.” He still had that smile on him that kept me blushing.

 

“I look forward to it, John.” I went inside and could not wipe the huge grin on my face. He was incredibly charming yet still a gentleman and I just couldn’t believe I had a date with him. I already felt like I was counting down the minutes that I would get to talk with him again and it made me roll my eyes at how easily he was able to make me feel like this.

  
  


* * *

  
  


January 5, 1934

 

“John Kinney?!” Megan said with a look of complete shock on her face.

 

“Yeah, what? Is that bad?” I asked a little nervous at her reaction.

 

“Oh it is certainly not bad,” Helen told me.

 

“John is just about one of the cutest guys at this school,” Alice stated.

 

“And he’s two years older than us!” Megan added.

 

“Yeah, I mean you’re gorgeous so it makes perfect sense. I would give anything to go on a date with John Kinney,” Alice seemed like she was in a dream as she spoke.

 

“What is he like? I’ve never actually gotten to talk with him?” Helen asked.

 

“Well, he is very funny and charming. The entire walk home he was nice and made me feel like I was safe with him, and yes he is also very handsome.” The three girls just squealed at the information and we continued to talk about him and what the date might be like. After a while, I told them I was going to go find Steve and Bucky to finish lunch with them. I met them at their usual table and said good afternoon to them both. They smiled back in response. 

 

“Maddi do you want to go see a film with us on Friday?” Bucky asked me as Steve kept eating.

 

“I can’t actually, I have a date that night.”

 

“What?!” Steve questioned with shock.

 

“Is it really so surprising I would have a date?” I asked him curiously. 

 

“No, I mean of course it’s not, but I just-” He stuttered trying to respond and became very red and Bucky decided to speak for him.

 

“I think he means to ask with who.”

 

“John Kinney,” I told them both.

 

“He’s two years older than us, Maddi!” Steve said finally finding his voice again.

 

“I am aware of that, and he was also very nice to me yesterday in walking me home.” Bucky and Steve gave each other a look which made me suspicious. “What’s the matter?”

 

“Nothing, we just want to make sure he’s worth dating you. I have not really talked to him before but he seems to be very liked,” Bucky responded.

 

“You two don’t need to go all protective on me, I can take care of myself. Besides, it’s only one date. I’ll see how it goes, so there is no need to worry about his worthiness just yet,” I said with an eye roll. Steve stayed quiet and Bucky reminded me that they were my best friends and I should expect nothing less bt worry about me from them. “I appreciate that. He’s a nice guy, I promise.” 

 

* * *

  
  
  


January 8, 1934

 

The rest of the week went by and I spent time with my friends and occasionally John but the times with them never seemed to match up. Friday came around and John met me outside my door to take me to dinner. He had a bouquet of flowers for my mother but I told him quickly that I live with my Aunt and Uncle. He did not question it and I appreciated that, he simply gave them to my Aunt and promised to walk me home at a reasonable hour. We left and had a nice talk on our way to the diner. 

 

“If you don’t mind me asking, you clearly don’t have a Brooklyn accent so where are you from and why did you come to this old dump?” He chuckled and I smiled at him before biting my lip in deciding how much I wanted to talk to him about. 

 

“I’m from Tennessee and I moved here because both my family there died in a storm we had last summer.” He quickly lost his smile and took hold of my hand.

 

“I’m so sorry, Maddi.”

 

“It’s fine, really. I miss them but no need to get all worried.”

 

“If you need talk ever I’ll be ready,” He gave me a sad smile and it just warmed my heart at how he truly cared how I felt. I changed the subject and asked about his favorite things to do and we went back to laughing and having a really wonderful time. 

 

He walked me home after we ate and as we neared my house he stopped and turned to me. “What is it?” I asked him.

 

“I really like you,” he said.

 

“I really like you too,” I reply with a smile as I hold his hand. Just then he pulled me into a kiss and it took me by surprise. I knew he was a forward person, but I was not expecting that. I slowly kissed back and it felt nice, I had never kissed anyone before. It didn’t last long and we pulled apart. 

 

“Be my girlfriend,” he told me and i couldn’t wipe the grin off my face.

 

“Okay,” he still had his hands lightly on my waist and kissed me quickly again after my response. We finished the walk back to my apartment and I could not stop smiling as he had his arm on my waist the whole way.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a Steve love story but I really want to develop Maddi’s character in not just it having her whole story being about Steve. It will be a relatively slow burn but don't worry, it will happen just stick with me.


	5. Chapter 5

January 19, 1934

 

John and I had been dating for over a week and he still hadn’t met Steve and Bucky. They seemed overly apprehensive about him but I felt they would quickly change their minds once they really got to know him. After school I was walking out of the building with bucky and Steve when I saw John and called him over. “John! These are my best friends and I haven’t gotten a chance to introduce you!” He greeted me with a small kiss and then shook their hands. I smiled hoping they would get along. It was very awkward and I realized I would need to initiate any conversations between them. We didn’t talk about much together but everyone was being friendly and I counted that as a successful first meeting. Around Bucky and Steve’s apartment, we said goodbye and John kept walking me home. “So… did you like them?” I asked hopeful for a good answer.

 

“Yeah they were great,” he said with a smile as he took my hand.

 

“Oh that’s wonderful! I was worried because they are my best friends. I mean I have Megan, Helen, and Alice, but I just am simply not as close with them.”

 

“Just a question, why are you friends with them? I just don’t see many girls best friends with guys.”

 

“I see what you mean. They were kind to me when I moved here. I also enjoy spending time with them now. I care about them and they care about me.”

 

He mulled over what I said and then stopped walking. “What would you do if one of them liked you, enough to want to go steady with you?” 

 

His question confused me because I didn’t know why he was asking, Bucky, Steve, and I were simply really good friends. “I don’t think that would happen. Besides, you don’t have to worry a bit because I’m with you.” He seemed to accept my answer through silence. We reached my apartment and he kissed me goodbye. 

 

* * *

  
  


January 20, 1934

 

I was with Bucky and Steve and asked them how they liked John. “He’s alright,” Steve replied. I slightly frowned hoping for a better response.

 

“You don’t like him,” I stated.

 

“No, I mean, I just,” he stammered.

 

“We just get a strange vibe from him,” Bucky jumped in giving a warning look to Steve. “He shows up out of nowhere and it’s only understandable to be a little skeptical. It’s not that we don’t like him, Maddi. We just want the best for you, and we can’t be sure of that unless we really know the guy.” I stayed thoughtful of what he said but was still not satisfied of how they felt.

 

“I know you worry, but I can figure these things out on my own.John has been nothing but sweet to me and kind to all of my friends and family. I hope you see that soon.” 

 

I excused myself and as I left I heard Bucky quietly ask Steve, “You couldn’t be more obvious, could you?” But I could not hear the rest, and it only made me more curious of what he meant.

 

* * *

  
  


January 20, 1934 (STEVE POV)

 

“You couldn’t be more obvious, could you?” Buck asked me as Maddi left, and I looked down.

 

I waited until she had completely gone before replying, “so you’re telling me you don’t dislike him just as much as I don’t?” Although you may not feel the same way about her as I do, you still see how they shouldn’t be together.”

 

“You may be right, but you would hate anyone she was with.”

 

“You don’t know anything about him?” I asked, still wondering about this ‘perfect John”.

 

“He seems to keep to himself. He has friends but they don’t spend much time together. He’s always with Maddi and I never noticed him before.He is still a year older than me so I don’t see him much. A lot of girls like him, I can definitely tell that.” One main reason I didn’t like him was because he was two years older than Maddi and me. I wished there was something glaringly awful about him like Jason Gally. That would make it so much easier because Maddi would immediately leave him. Maybe she was right, she had good judgement so I really shouldn’t worry about the guy she chose. I still felt sad regardless because she would never go for me; the differences between John and I were too obvious. He was older, stronger, handsome, popular, healthy… everything I wasn’t. However, she deserved way more than me anyway. So if John was as perfect as he seemed, than I should be glad; Maddi deserves nothing less than perfection. 


	6. Chapter 6

January 22, 1934

 

John took me out unexpectedly, and we had a wonderful time walking through the park and playing in the snow. I asked him if he we could invite Bucky and Steve but he told me he rather spend time alone. “You see them all the time, I want to be with just you right now,” He said to me as he took my hand. It made sense and I did not argue. After all, I wanted to spend time with him too. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


January 30, 1934

 

I spent the week looking for a place to work. I have been trying for quite a while now because my aunt and uncle need the extra help, but it has still been rough for anyone to find work. Steve has been trying to help me find something, but nothing still has come up. “I’m really sorry, Maddi. I know you really want a job, I just don’t know if we’ll find you one anytime soon.” Steve tried to make me feel better and I just kept silent. 

 

“Now what’s this I hear about you needing a job?” I heard John’s charming voice behind me as he walked towards us and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

 

He gave me a kiss hello and I said “It’s nothing really. I have just been trying to find something to earn a bit more money for my family.” 

 

“Well why didn’t you tell me this earlier?” He asked with shock in his voice. “My uncle owns a diner a few blocks from my house, I’m sure I can get you a job as a waitress there.” 

 

“Really?!” I asked with excitement. “You would do that?” 

 

“Of course you would, you’re my girl.” He said this to me but flashed his eyes in Steve’s direction for half a second, and I almost didn’t notice. But I could notice Steve looking very awkward next to us. “I’ll do whatever I can to make it happen. Now come on, I’ve got a great day planned for us.”

 

I started to feel guilty as I said, “But John, I was going to have lunch with Steve and Bucky today.”

 

“Come on Maddi, we can go to the diner right now and see about that job if you want.” He gave me a hopeful look and I turned away to look at Steve. 

 

“Will you be alright without me, Steve? “ I tried giving him a small smile to let him know I was sorry.

 

“Oh yeah, no problem. You go have fun. I’ll let Bucky know, it’s fine.” He stumbled with his words but said them strong.

 

“Alright. I’ll see you later then, I guess.” I waved goodbye as John led me to the direction of the diner.

 

* * *

  
  
  


February 19, 1934

 

John was able to get me the job and I had been working there most days since. I wait on the tables after school and on weekends and I could not be more grateful to John and his uncle for letting me work there. I was able to spend more time with John regardless because while he did not work there, his Uncle let him stay and talk with me for most of my shifts. The only problem was that I couldn’t see Bucky and Steve or really any of my other friends as often anymore. Megan and Alice didn’t seem to mind as much. “Of course it’s fine. You get to spend time with that hunk all day, how could we be mad about that.” They would assure me. “Don’t forget to tell us all the details of how you two go though.” 

 

Steve and Bucky however seemed to take it a bit harder. “The other day I tried to go in and say hi, but was told to leave unless I ordered something. I didn’t even get to see you because I had no money with me.” Steve told me today during school.

 

“Steve, I am so sorry about that. Mr. Kinney is rather strict about that.” I tried to reassure him.

 

“John gets to talk with you everyday there.” Bucky reminded me.

 

“Well yeah, he’s his nephew.” I told both of them. “Look, I’ll try to get off soon and we can spend time then, I promise. I miss you both too.” They seemed to accept my answer and we continued eating our lunch and John came towards us to sit next to me.

  
  


* * *

  
  


February 27, 1934 (STEVE’S POV)

 

I walked towards the diner Maddi worked at with money in my pocket this time. I wanted to spend time with her and this seemed to be the only way to do that because when she wasn’t working, she was with John Kinney. As I walked through the door, I looked around to see if I saw her. She wasn’t out where the customers sat so I assumed she was in the back getting someone’s meal. I did, however, see Kinney sitting at the counter and he looked over just as I walked in to see me standing there. He immediately got up and walked my way. “Hey buddy, what’s got you here?” He asked me in a demeaning tone.

 

“I came to see Maddi,” I answered.

 

“Well you know the rules, you can’t stay if you don’t order anything.”

 

“Don’t worry, I have money.” I gave him a smug look knowing he would be disappointed as I knew it was him keeping Maddi from ever seeing me or Bucky. 

 

“Look pal,” he said as he put a fake smile on his face and hand on my shoulder. “I don’t think I can allow that.” He started to lead me out the door and I had no choice but to follow as he had a pretty tight grip on me. “I know you used to be Maddi’s friend, but she doesn’t need you anymore. In fact, she never really needed you at all. You were just a charity case for her, and she doesn’t have the heart to tell you. So I suggest you just run along home because she doesn’t even really want you here.”

 

I stared at the ground outside since we already made it through the door by the time he stopped talking. I didn’t want to believe him; Maddi has been my friend since she got here, but I couldn’t help but think maybe he was right and she really saw him like everyone else did. “Maybe if I could just talk to her?” I tried but he just shook his head.

 

“Listen Kid, I like you. You have heart. Just do yourself a favor and stop trying, you have to know she would never go for a guy like you anyway.” He had no smile on his face anymore and I realized he knew about my feelings for Maddi. If he knew, she might too. I hated how he said out loud exactly what I have thought a million times before because it just made it feel more real. I just nodded my head and started to walk away. I heard him walk back inside and before I got too far, I turned around and saw her come out of the kitchen with a tray full of food. She couldn’t see me because it was dark outside, so I just turned back to the road and walked home.

 

* * *

  
  
  


March 2, 1934

 

Steve had been ignoring me the last few days at school and I couldn’t get him to stay longer than a few seconds to talk about it. I tried to ask Bucky what was wrong, but I could never find him alone when I was free. I sat with Alice, Helen, and Megan in the meantime at lunch and John would continue to join us. The girls didn’t seem to mind at all as they found him ‘very pleasing to look at.’ 

 

“Don’t worry hun, I won’t snatch him away from you.” Megan reassured me when I asked her to stop eyeing him all the time. I rolled my eyes and dropped the subject. I like spending time with my girl friends, but I can’t help but get tired of how vain they can be. 

Later that day I expressed to John why I had been feeling sad. “I don’t know what’s going on. Do you think they’re upset with me for not spending time as much time with them anymore?” I asked him as he sat at the counter of the diner and I wiped it down. 

 

“Hey doll, don’t worry about it. If they can’t understand that this job is important for you to keep, then they aren’t worth it.”

 

“I don’t know,” I said with a sigh. “I wish they could come and visit sometimes but I know asking them to spend money just to see me is too much.” They both lived more tightly that I did, especially Steve with his medical problems. If I could, I’d give him my money or even my job but I know he wouldn’t take it. 

 

“Listen baby, I know you care about them, but it might be time to realize you might not be their friends forever. You still have me, I promise I’m not going anywhere.” I wanted to cry at what he said. Bucky and Steve were my first friends in New York; I don’t think I could just let that go so quickly. But instead of crying, I just gave John a small smile and thanked him for being there for me. 

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

March 18, 1934

 

“He told you he loved you?!” Alice asked with surprise and excitement in her voice. 

 

“Yeah, just last night.” I said with a blush.

 

“And you said…?” she asked.

 

“I said I loved him back.” She squealed at this information. 

 

“Oh wow!” Megan said sarcastically. “I guess that makes sense since all you ever do is spend time with him.”

 

“Yeah Maddi, I’m surprised you even left his side long enough to tell us this,” Helen added.

 

“Guys, don’t be so mean. They’re in love! They’re supposed to always be together,” Alice tried to defend me. I didn’t even know what to say, I just stayed silent. I didn’t know they felt so upset about this.

 

“That’s great Alice, but I don’t want to be friends with someone who can’t even spend time with us. I know she gives us popularity points by dating John, but it doesn’t even count anymore since she never is with us.” Megan snapped back at Alice.

 

This made me find my voice. “Is that all I am to you now Megan? Popularity points?” I know she could hear the hurt in my voice.

 

“Originally maybe not, but that doesn’t really matter anymore since you’re not even much of a friend to us either.” She responded.

 

“Yeah Maddi, I think this is where we should stop pretending you’re even a part of our group anymore,” Helen added. Megan nodded and they started to walk away as Alice gave me a sad smile. 

 

“Come on Alice,” Megan said. Alice mouthed sorry to me as she walked away with them. I couldn’t help but let a few tears slip as I realized I didn’t really have any friends left.

 

* * *

  
  


March 18, 1934 (STEVE’S POV)

 

I was walking across the courtyard of school when I saw Maddi standing alone and silently crying. I hadn’t talked to her in a while and it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I figured she didn’t want to see me right now and that John would probably be there soon to comfort her, but then I found myself incapable of leaving her there. I sighed and walked over. She didn’t seem to notice me at first and so I quietly said “Maddi?” She looked up at the sound of her name and saw me standing in front of her. She was about an inch taller than me so we were almost eye level. “ Are you alright?”

 

“Oh Steve, Hi.” She said surprised as she wiped her tears away. “Yeah I’m fine.” 

 

“Are you sure?” I asked again because she was obviously not fine.

 

“Why won’t you talk to me anymore Steve?” She suddenly asked with more tears.

 

I stuttered and scrambled for an answer. “I didn’t think you would want to talk to me anymore.” She gave me a look like I was the craziest person she met.

 

“Steve, I’m so sorry if I made you think that. I miss you and I miss Bucky and I wish we still spent time together. Not even Alice will spend time with me now and John isn’t even in school today. I just feel so alone right now.” She was crying harder now as she said everything on her mind.

 

“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it at all,” I said as I pulled her into a hug. “I should be the one who is sorry. I shouldn’t have ignored you like that.” I led her to a nearby bench to sit.

 

“Why does everything have to fall apart when things finally started working out for me? I didn’t want to lose anyone, I’ve lost too many people already.” I knew she was referring to her family back in Tennessee.

 

“Is John ignoring you too?” I asked, finding it hard not to be hopeful. I knew it was wrong because it hurt Maddi, but I want him out of her life. He isn’t good for her.

 

“No, I don’t know why he isn’t here today. He actually told me yesterday that he loves me.” That felt more painful than any punch I had ever received. “And I told him I loved him too so I don’t think he isn’t here because of that.” I was wrong, that hurt more than any physical blow given to me. It took me a moment to regain myself in order to help her.

 

“I’m sure it’s nothing, Maddi. He’ll probably be at the diner tonight and tell you why he wasn’t here.” She nodded at what I said and looked down at her lap. I took hold of her hand. She looked up at me and smiled.

 

“I need you, Steve.” She said with honesty in her eyes. I knew more than anything in that moment that I needed her too. I had been miserable these last few weeks without her. 

 

“I won’t leave,” I said and she hugged me a second time.

  
  


* * *

  
  


March 21, 1934

 

I tried to sit by Steve and Bucky today, but John wanted to go on a walk during lunch instead and I couldn’t say no. “I thought you weren’t talking to them anymore?” He asked me on our walk.

 

“Well Steve and I talked it out and we are fine now.” John stayed quiet at that. We kept walking until he stopped and turned towards me.

 

“You still love me right?” I looked at him surprised.

 

“Of course I do,” I told him.

 

“Okay. I don’t want you leaving me for your friends. I love you too much that it would break me.” I looked at him worried.

 

“No John, you don’t have to worry about that at all. I love you, and I wouldn’t leave you.” I kissed him on the cheek and he nodded. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


March 23, 1934 (STEVE’S POV)

 

“I thought I told you to leave her alone, Rogers.” I heard John Kinney’s voice behind me as I was walking home alone. I turned around and he was closer that I thought because he grabbed my shirt and pulled me towards him. He was a good 6 inches taller than me and big enough to do a lot of damage. 

 

“She was upset and I helped her. She’s my friend, Kinney and I’m not going to leave her alone.”

 

“Yeah well you better rethink that. I don’t want her crawling away from me, and you’re going to start putting ideas into her head.”

 

“Maybe those ideas would be true.” He threw me to the ground after I said that and I looked up at him.

 

“Stay away Rogers, or it’ll get a lot worse for the both of you.” 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry this took so long, I'm trying my best to keep up with it, but I'm obviously failing. Let me know what you think, you feelings of anger, love, awe. Anything, I'd love to hear the feedback!**

 

* * *

 

April 25, 1934

 

I was finishing up dinner with my family when there was a knock on the door. I offer to get up, and as I open it, I see Steve standing nervously in front of me. “Hi Steve, what brought ya here?”

 

“Well, I know it might be hard for you to hear this, and I didn’t know how to tell you so that’s why it took me so long.” He rubbed the back of his neck and look down while talking. “John isn’t good for you.” I stared at him confused and just let him continue. “He is controlling everything you do, and he told me not to talk to you anymore.”

 

“I don’t understand what you mean, when did he say this?” I didn’t expect Steve to say any of this against John.

 

“He is worried that you will leave him because you spend too much time with me, so he told me stay away. But you’re my best friend and he should understand that.”

 

“Yeah but, he’s my boyfriend. Maybe you should understand that?” I felt lost. I knew the two weren’t friends but I thought they at least got along.

 

“Maddi, I think he’s dangerous. He keeps you away from all your friends, and manipulates your feelings to get you to do what he wants.” I didn’t want to believe what he was telling me. John wouldn’t hurt me, he loved me. Steve went to grab my hand but i pulled away and looked up at him with slight anger in my eyes.

 

“He wants nothing but the best for both of us, Steve. John loves me and I love him and I know it’s been hard for you and Bucky because I have been working so much and I am trying my best to spend time with you, I already lost friends and I can’t lose ya’ll again” He looked hurt I pulled my hand away, but he still looked determined.

 

“But Maddi it’s not about your job. Did you know I tried to visit you once, and I had money to buy something, but John told me to leave and not bother you?” John never told me about this and I furrowed my brows in more confusion. “I’m trying to protect you, I don’t know what he is after but I know he isn’t good.”

 

“I appreciate that,” I said looking down with tears forming in my eyes. “I just think I can handle this myself. You don’t seem to respect my choice in being with im so-”

 

“No, Maddi! That’s not it, I just want to-”

 

“Steve please.” I looked up at him not even hiding my tears anymore. “Why are you doing this to me? I can’t say goodbye to another person I care about, and it feels like you’re making me do that right now.”

 

He looked at me worried and hesitant. “Has John ever told you he didn’t like you spending time with me or Bucky?”

 

“I don’t know, maybe once. But he just gets worried I don’t love him as much as he loves me, I have to make sure he knows that I do! He’ll leave me if I don’t love him, and you’ll leave me if I stay with him, and other friends already left me, and my family left me, and I cant let anyone else leave me, Steve; I just can’t!” I couldn’t stop sobbing by the end. Steve looked like he was going to say something else, but he closed the front door because I couldn’t handle whatever else he had to say.

 

* * *

 

April 29, 1934

 

I worked at the diner and was getting off earlier than usual. I hadn’t spoken to Steve in days; I wanted to but didn’t know how after I blew up when I last saw him. As I was about to leave, John stopped me by the door and said “Where are you off to? I was thinking we could go do something together.”

 

“I actually just wanna go home right now, spend some time with my Aunt and Uncle. I’m not really up to anything tonight.” I walked out the door and started walking down the street. I figured John shouldn’t be too upset with my answer, but I was wrong.

 

“So you’d rather be with them than me?” He called out to me and it made me stop. I turned around and slowly made my way back towards him.

 

“John, you know I love you, but I have family too-”

 

He cut me off to say “I don’t want to lose you, Maddi. I’ve never found anyone like you and I just don’t wanna lose you.”

 

“John, I-” but I couldn’t find the right words. I had spent weeks trying to reassure my love for John, even when I simply want to just be with family. All I could think about were Steve’s words from our last talk. “I don’t think this is healthy.” He looks at me like I have gone crazy. “You know they are the only family I have left, right?” I knew it was cruel to pull something like that on him, but it was my only idea.

 

“Maddi, you never even met them until a few years ago.”

 

“I didn’t meet you until a few  _months_  ago,” I snapped back. I started to wonder if I was being ridiculous for how I was acting around him. He swept me off my feet, and I fell in love faster than I ever thought I would with a boy. Through it all, I was losing relationships with other people. “John, this isn’t healthy.” I repeated myself more calm and sure. “We only spend time with each other, and you constantly doubt my feelings for you. I think we need to take a few days to ourselves and cool down.”

 

“Did Rogers tell you to say that?” He asked with a darker expression on his face.

 

“No,” I said slowly with hesitation. I had never seen him this upset before. “Steve has nothing to do with this right now, this is about you and me, John.”

 

“Oh come on, Madeline! He has the hots for you and is trying to break us up!” he barked, which made me jump.

 

“John, I am not having this conversation! Come talk to me when you feel ready to act mature about this.” I turned again to walk home when he grabbed my wrist and yanked me back towards him. I yelped in pain from the force of his grip and pull. “John, let go.” I said with worry in my voice.

 

“Maddi, just go out with me tonight. We can go see a nice film together and you’ll forget all about this.” He said without loosening his grip. As pale as I am, I bruise easily and I was worried I would have his hand printed on me even if he let go now.

 

“I said no, now please let go of my wrist.” I was trying to stay as calm as possible but it was getting harder by the second.

 

“I don’t understand, why don’t you love me Maddi?” He then grabbed my other wrist just as tight and pulled me even closer. “Huh, Maddi? If you loved me then you would want to be with me, so why don’t you love me?” He started shaking me a bit while yelling in my face and I was paralyzed with fear. Standing over a half a foot taller and being much stronger than me, I had no way of knowing how to get out of this situation. “You’re selfish, you don’t care about people. You drive everyone away; your friends don’t talk to you anymore and now you’re trying to drive me away and I won’t let you do that to me!”

 

“Ok!” I cried back. I had tears flowing freely down my face as I couldn’t hear anything but his cruel words and I could feeling anything but the numbing pain on my wrists and dizziness from his shakes. He stopped as soon as I spoke. “I-I’ll go to a film with y-you.” I stuttered out. “My family c-can wait. I do love you, just p-please let go. You’re hurting me, J-John please.” He slowly let go and straightened up. He regained all his charming composure almost instantly and never felt smaller than in that moment. I was still crying and as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder I flinched but didn’t move away.

 

“That’s all you had to say, babe.” I couldn’t even comprehend the complete shift in his behavior so I stayed silent. “I’m sorry I hurt you, you know I would never do that on purpose. Next time just don’t walk away from me in the middle of a talk, alright.” all I could do was nod as we walked towards the theater and I tried to calm my breaths. The rest of the night was as if nothing ever happened. John was endearing and sweet like any other night, but I couldn’t stop seeing the terrifying look of anger in his eyes when he was yelling. He walked me home and kissed me goodnight and I barely said a word the entire time. My Aunt told me she was disappointed I went out when I told her I would be home early. I apologized and promised it wouldn’t happen again. I couldn’t even tell how upset she was as I went to my room and closed the door. I was lying in bed, and I started crying again. I felt like an idiot for crying again, and I felt like an idiot for not listening to Steve, and I felt like an idiot for falling for John.


	9. Chapter 9

April 30, 1934

 

The next day I immediately went to find Steve and Bucky. I had an early morning shift but I had to apologize, and I couldn’t go back to that diner where John would be. I figured I would try Steve’s house first, and as I got to his door I hesitated before knocking. I was worried he wouldn’t want to talk to me still after I disregarded his warnings before. I wanted to tell him I should have listened, and I still hadn’t decided how much of the previous day I should tell. I wore a light sweater to hide the bruises shaped as fingers on my arms, and decided I should at least apologize to Steve, so I knocked on the door. A few seconds later, Steve opened it and looked surprised to see me. “Can I come in?” I ask quietly and nods. I walk in and see Bucky is in the kitchen eating food and he smiles when he sees me. “Hi Bucky, I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“Hey Maddi, what brings you here?”

 

I turned to Steve and said, “I’m so sorry Steve. I should have listened to you before, and I know you were just trying to protect me because you care about me. I treated you poorly for that and I’m really sorry.” Bucky got more serious s he heard, I’m sure Steve told him about our conversation already.

 

“Maddi, don’t worry about it, I know you love John” he was clearly forcing his words out.

 

“No, it’s not okay though. John was a bit more… aggressive yesterday than in the past. If I had just listened to you, maybe none of this would have happened.”

 

“Maddi, what happened?” Bucky said standing up and walking slowly towards me. 

 

I looked around to see an empty apartment, assuming Mrs. Rogers was working. I made my way over to the sofa and sat down, waiting for Steve and Bucky to do the same. As they sat down, I took a deep breath to begin telling them what happened the previous night. “I didn’t want to go out with him. That’s all, I just wanted to go home, but he wouldn’t have it. We fought because he kept wondering if I loved him.” A couple tears slid down my cheek as I spoke and they both had concerned looks on their faces. Steve took my hand and squeezed it to let me know he was there for me. I smiled softly at him and continued. “He said I was selfish and I drove everyone away and if I didn’t want to go out with him, it meant I didn’t love him. I tried to o home, but he was grabbing my wrists and I was scared so I went out with him. It was so strange, after that he acted as if nothing happened.” 

 

“Maddi, did he hurt you?” Steve asked in reference to John grabbing my wrists. I slowly pulled up the sleeve on the arm Steve was holding the hand of to show it was bruised on the top. Steve looked down at my wrist and slowly turned it to reveal four purple marks next to each other across from one other. It was clearly a hand that caused the discolored marks on my pale skin. “Maddi,” Steve just said with sadness in his voice as he took my other hand and pulled up the sleeve to show yet another hand mark on my wrist. 

 

He remained silent but Bucky stood up quickly and said, “Alright, I’m going to find Kinney and give him a piece of my mind.” 

 

“No, Bucky please. I don’t want you to do that,” I knew if he would go, Steve would want to go with him and I didn’t want to see him get hurt. I didn’t want to be alone. I was crying more, but I was also trying to keep myself together. “Just help me stay away from him, I don’t want y’all getting in a fight over me.” I could tell both boys in front of me wanted to argue, but they saw I needed them with me and not getting in trouble. “I have to quit my job, I can’t keep going back there.”

 

“What if he’s there?” Bucky asked.

 

“We’ll go with her then,” Steve said. “If that’s okay with you?” He asked to make sure I was on board. 

 

“Yeah, I would feel safer with you there.” I said directly to Steve to make sure he knew I meant mostly him. We were still holding hands, and I had John’s words in the back of my mind.  _He has the hots for you_. There was no way that could be true, we were just really good friends: him, Bucky, and I. We cared about each other a lot but Steve couldn’t have romantic feelings for me, I had been too cruel to him.

 

* * *

 

April 30, 1934 (STEVE POV)

 

I held Maddi’s hand the entire wan to the diner because she never let go and I was going to let it last. I was fuming  inside because of what John did. He had been making her feel worthless for most of their relationship, and then he physically hurt her. I couldn’t understand how anyone could hurt a woman, let alone someone as sweet and kind as Maddi. I was glad she was leaving him, but I wished it was under better circumstances. We made it to the diner, and Bucky and I waited outside while she went in to quit. As she was walking out, she looked a little brighter until something caught her eye and her entire face became more pale than I had ever seen. I followed her line of sight to see John walking towards us. “Do you want us to handle this?” I asked her.

 

“No, I need to tell him it’s over. Just stay here,” she slowly made her way over to him and spoke to him in a hushed tone that I could not hear. I could see him getting redder by the second.  
 

 

I was about to intervene when Bucky stopped me. “Give her a minute,” he said. I knew he was trying to be the level head, but I could also tell he wanted to stop their conversation. Then both of us were left stunned as Kinney had the guts to slap Maddi in the face right in front of us. The next moment, Bucky and I were right next to them as he grabbed Kinney by the collar. The jerk may had been older than all three of us, but Bucky had developed a good set of muscles early enough to be bigger than him. He was clearly coming down from his rage and realized he messed up to hurt our best friend in public. “You’re leaving,” Bucky stated firmly as I was holding Maddi a few feet away. 

 

“Maddi, I’m sorry. It was an accident. Can we just talk about this? Tell him to let me go.” He tried to get her to do what he wanted but I would not let that happen.

 

“You don’t get to talk to her,” I told him. “Not anymore, not ever again.”

 

“Oh shut up, Rogers. This isn’t about you.” Before anything else could happen, Bucky punched him hard in the face. 

 

“We’re leaving, and you’re going to never talk to or touch Maddi again, or you’ll get a lot worse than a punch in the face.” Kinney was so stunned at Bucky’s words, he did not respond. So the three of us walked away while I held on to Maddi’s hand with my own while I wrapped my other arm around her shoulder. 

 

Maddi had stayed quiet the entire time, no tears falling on her face. As we were about to round the corner, John yelled out “You’re just as worthless as the twerp your leaving me for!” I could feel Maddi tense next to me but she remained silent as we kept walking. 

 

I wanted to turn back around and shut him up for good, but Maddi squeezed my hand and shook her head. “Please, it’s not worth it.” and I respected her wishes as we walked her home.

 

* * *

 

**A/N: So I'm relating Maddi's experience with John to a Taylor Swift song (which is something I'm going to do frequently throughout Maddi's story because I love her music so much and think it can fit really well in certain places). Ironically, it is called "Dear John." I didn't plan that, but I think Maddi's feelings fit pretty well with some of the feelings in the song. There's some parts that obviously do not fit, but I think it has a good representation of a manipulative relationship when it comes to love. I actually wanted to expand more on her story with John and rewrite it more like the song now that I read it later, but I'm not sure if I'll end up doing that. Anyway, give it a listen if you never have before, and I'm sorry to anyone who might dislike Taylor Swift, I respect that and won't be mad if you don't listen ;)**


	10. Chapter 10

August 24, 1934

 

“Good morning, Maddi!” My Aunt Lily said as I walked into the kitchen. I had been doing better since I left John, spending more time with my friends and family. He didn’t bother me after our last encounter, and he no longer went to our school since he graduated in the spring. Alice was talking to me again, but none of the other girls I used to spend time with would anymore. Alice was a sweet person, she felt very bad about not sticking by me earlier because she wanted the other girls to still talk to her. They didn’t talk to either of us anymore. My Aunt had made me breakfast so we could spend time before I went to school. It took me a while to feel comfortable around her and Uncle Ryan. I knew they were family, but I had never met them before and I missed my family in Tennessee every day. I missed my Daddy and brother Alex, and I missed my mama but I couldn’t remember her as much. It made me sad everyday that it became harder for me to remember her, but Aunt Lily made it easier. They were sisters, and Aunt Lily was caring like I remembered my mother being. I eventually became more comfortable around her, and we were closer after I was able to tell her what happened with John.  _“You did the right thing, leaving him. You are a sweet and smart girl who deserves a sweet and smart man,”_  she had said. My summer went well, Alice set me up on a couple blind dates, but they really weren’t anything special. Both guys took me out dancing, and I was nervous the first time. Alex taught me how to dance when I was younger, but I hadn’t danced since then. It got easier, and the first date was nice, but I was too worried I would fall too hard again like with John.

 

 

* * *

 

October 15, 1934 (STEVE’S POV)

 

“You should ask her out some time,” Bucky told me as we saw Maddi say goodbye to her Alice and head our way.

 

“You know I can’t do that,” I replied giving him an annoyed side glance. He had not stopped trying to get me to ask her for months. Maddi has been on several dates with a few guys, and each time it hurt a little that it wasn’t me. I didn’t blame her, she was beautiful so of course guys would want to go out with her. I knew she would never date me, I look nothing like any of the guys she has been with, and I couldn’t bare to lose her over that. I was more than happy to just be her best friend.

 

“She may not know it completely yet Rogers, but she’s definitely got a thing for you. She’s both our friend, sure, but she looks at you differently and I think you should be together.” I waved him off as Maddi was getting into earshot.

 

“Hello boys, I don’t work tonight so what do you wanna do?” I had helped her find a new job a couple months after she quit her old one. She worked at a small flower shop near my house, my mother knew the owner and he offered me the job but I knew she would want it more. He saw how well Maddi worked and was happy to give her the job. His hours are much less than when she worked at the diner, and she told me how happy she felt there making extra money but still having time for everyone else in her life.

 

“We figured we could just go over to Bucky’s house,” I said hoping it sounded good.

 

“Perfect, I’m not really up to being out doing too much right now anyway. I would love a nice evening with you and the whole Barnes family,” She stated with a smile. We had a nice walk over, and I thought about how I hadn’t held her hand since the day she broke up with Kinney. I knew I shouldn’t try again, that was a one time thing because she was scared.

 

 

* * *

 

November 13, 1934

 

We had been learning a higher level of science in class this year, but much of it was familiar to me by the books I would find in the library. I knew it was strange for a girl to be so interested in science, but I couldn’t help be fascinated by everything I learned of physics, biology, chemistry. Our teacher, Ms. Jackson, soon saw how I excelled above all the other students in what we learned. She started finding me more books to take home, problems to solve, math to learn to accompany the science I was doing. Each time I impressed her with how easily it came to me. After school one day, she asked me to stay behind to talk.

 

“Have you considered what you want to do after secondary school, Madeline?” She asked me.

 

“I’m not sure. I would like to find some money to maybe get some degree like teaching, but that doesn’t seem too plausible for me at the moment.” I had a feeling that hopefully I’ll eventually have a more steady boyfriend, someone to rely on each other for. My mother never worked when she was alive, but my Aunt Lily worked hard in a factory every day along with Uncle Ryan. I just didn’t see how money was going to work out in my favor when it came to more education.

 

“I want to help you go farther than that because I really believe you can. You’re very gifted in these subjects, Madeline, and I want do everything I can to help you get into a college where you can keep learning more.” I looked at her like she was crazy. How could she begin to help me do what she wants to do?

 

“Ms. Jackson, I’m a poor girl from Brooklyn. Universities don’t want people like me. Even if they did, Science is not something any girl would have an easy time being taken seriously for.

 

“I think you’re different. I see that fascination that I had when I was younger, and I wish I had pushed myself to go farther than teaching. I know men in these fields will have a hard time adjusting to someone like you, but you have a brighter mind than anyone I have met in a long time.” I thought for a minute what she was saying. There was just no way. Getting a degree in a major science field just isn’t something any girl ever considers, especially girls who don’t have the financial ability to do so. “We can find a way to get those schools to notice you. It doesn’t have to be a big fancy school, but someone will have to accept you into their science department. You’ll be surprised how affordable we can find state universities to be, especially right here in New York City. If you really want it, and you work hard at it, I believe you can get there.”

 

“I guess I never really thought about what I wanted, but the idea of being a real scientist, developing and working with new ideas we have never even heard of sounds almost like a dream. I mean it is a dream, but if you believe I can do it…”

 

“I do believe you can, dear.” She smiled at me and I trusted her. She was probably my favorite teacher, and I if she truly thought I could do it, then I had to try. I nodded at her with a grin to affirm I wanted to work towards this. “I’m excited to work with you on this. I believe physics is the one for you, and there are women who have already made their way into this field. Not a lot, but more than you would think.”

 

“Okay, I’ll start researching that then,” I said without being able to contain my smile. I had a direction for the rest of my life, no matter how difficult it may be to achieve. I had a wave of motivation and determination to make this happen for myself.

 

 

* * *

 

February 9, 1935 (STEVE’S POV)

 

I had been helping Maddi looking at colleges and researching science programs for the past couple of months. It wasn’t really my thing, but it made her happy and I love making her happy. As we were in the library, she turned to me and said “We should look for art school for you as well.”

 

“I don’t know, Maddi. That’s probably not the best idea for me.” I said this becoming shy, which only happens sometimes around her anymore. I always feel a rush of energy by her still, but I don’t get too shy anymore since she is my closest friend next to Bucky.

 

“Come on, Steve! It’s a perfect idea! Your artwork is amazing and I know it’s something you love to work on. You’ve been so kind helping me, I’m going to help you with this too.” She didn’t give me a chance to protest as she was up looking for books and news articles on art school and art contests to help pay. She spent the rest of the time telling me different opportunities for paying as art school generally was a little more than other fields of interest. She always made me feel special and worth more than I thought I was.

 

 

* * *

 

March 3, 1935

 

I sat in the hospital with Uncle Ryan waiting to hear what happened to Aunt Lily. She was feeling completely fine until all of a sudden should couldn’t stand anymore and she was barely breathing. I was talking with her in the kitchen about school when it happened and I called for Uncle Ryan in fear. We got her to the hospital and the doctors were trying to figure what went wrong as we continued to sit and wait in silence. I tried not to cry because I didn’t want to believe it was something serious. I had been telling her my plans for getting a degree in physics and she had been so happy. She told me she was proud of me and couldn’t wait to see my dreams play out. I could imagine telling the rest of my family and hoped they would have been just as proud of my plans. Science was becoming something very important to me and the fact it made Aunt Lily happy made me want it even more. I hadn’t felt this way about something since my father got me so into music. He had the most wonderful singing voice I had ever heard, and he taught me different songs and I learned out to sing from him. I haven’t sung since. Bucky and Steve asked once, but I told them the last time I sung was with my daddy and they dropped the subject. All these thoughts kept running through my head as the doctor finally came out and Uncle Ryan stood up immediately. Him and I had never become as close as I had with Aunt Lily because he was a relatively closed off man.

 

“Sir, I need to talk to you about your wife,” the doctor said with a tone I couldn’t understand. He then proceeded to tell him Aunt Lily had a heart attack. I stayed sitting stunned and could barely hear the man say “She died shortly after being admitted here.” I was crying before I even realized what was happening. I had always hated that part of me: I cried too much. I didn’t remember much about my mother getting sick and dying, but I knew it was nowhere near as fast as her sister’s death. My mama had several months of feeling weak and in pain before she passed, Aunt Lily had a few hours.

 

 

* * *

 

March 5, 1935

 

I held Steve’s hand at the funeral. It had been so long since I held his hand and I realized I never should have stopped. Just the small contact brought me so much comfort, he didn’t even need to say anything to make me feel better. We sat in the church and I couldn’t really process any of the words being said. We went to the cemetery and I just never let go of his hand. I knew some people probably saw it as inappropriate for us to be doing so at such a time, but I wouldn’t have been able to stand through it all without him there. Uncle Ryan hadn’t said much to me in the past couple of days. I never knew what to say and I’m sure he really didn’t either. He knew Aunt Lily much longer than I had, and it was clearly taking a toll on him. The funeral was small. We had no family living near us, and so it was some neighbors, church friends, a couple people she worked with. I felt very lonely thinking how Uncle Ryan was my last family member I really had left, and he wasn’t even directly related to me. As this thought ran through my head, Steve squeezed my hand bringing me to the present. He was looking at me with a concerned look and I realized I wasn’t alone. Bucky stood to my other side and I knew I could get through this with both of them there for me, they helped so much during the last time I lost someone so close.

 

* * *

 

**A/N: Sorry if you guys feel I’m rushing a bit, I know I jumped the timeline pretty fast and I have a lot of storylines I want to fit in without it feeling like it is dragging. I want to get to the good parts of her relationship with Steve while also fully developing her character. Lots of what happens now affects what I have in store for later in Maddi’s story.**


	11. Chapter 11

April 29, 1935

 

I had been making our meals since Aunt Lily died, but we never ate together anymore. All my money from work had been going towards our expenses and I tried to work as many hours as possible. Steve and Bucky told me not to worry, they understood why I couldn’t spend as much time with them anymore. Bucky tried to give me some money from his job, but I refused. Between my job and Uncle Ryan’s we should be able to get by, and he needed it for his own family. Steve had a job for a bit too, but he was sick too often and got fired. It made him really upset with his own ailments because they were still holding him back from doing things he wanted to do.

 

I was too nervous to talk to Uncle Ryan about anything and it did not seem like he cared much that I kept to myself. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible. I figured if I always had something to do, I wouldn’t feel much of the pain from losing her. When I wasn’t working, I was in the library studying or looking for ways to pay for and get into college. I also spent time with Bucky and Steve trying to always find ways to have as much fun as possible. I was not going to think about how hurt I was she died, or that my only family left wouldn’t help me through it. I was still 16, the adult should have been the one helping the two of us get through this together. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t talk to me.

  
 

* * *

  
  
 

May 23, 1935 (STEVE POV)

 

Maddi had insisted multiple times she was alright, but it was hard to believe sometimes. She would always try to stay out of her house doing anything that kept her mind busy. We went to Coney Island together and her and Bucky made me go on the cyclone. I threw up and she had felt so bad for making me ride it. “Steve, are you sure you’re going to be okay? I’ll walk you home.” she said to me by the trash can.

 

“Yeah buddy, we didn’t mean for this to happen,” Bucky added. “I can tell Dolores I have to go, we can both take you home.” He had brought a date when Maddi made our plans, and Maddi didn’t mind. It didn’t seem too serious with the girl, except for that Bucky blew all his money trying to win her a prize.

 

“Nah, you go ahead and finish your date alone.” I assured him.

 

“Really, Bucky. I’ll take him home,” Maddi said with a smile.

 

We took the train back to towards our neighborhood and walked towards my house mostly with Maddi talking about a million frivolous things. It was not ulike her to carry many of our conversations, mainly because I enjoyed hearing what she had to say, but this was the more different Maddi that came about after her aunt died. For the first time in awhile, I brought it up. “Maddi, what’s really going on? You never talk about how you feel like you did with your family from Tennessee.” She stopped and looked at the ground in silence. When she spoke up, her voice wavered.

 

“I just don’t know how to deal with it I guess,” she said. “Everyday I try to distract myself because it’s all different again. My Uncle never talks to me and I think he started drinking much more than before. I miss her a lot, but i also feel guilty for not knowing her more. I just don’t know what to do anymore.” She was quietly crying, trying to wipe her tears before I saw. I took in what she said and realized how conflicted her emotions were.

 

“You can always talk to me about it, Maddi. I know I didn’t know her well, but I care about you and I want you to be happy. It’s okay to cry too,” I added while taking her hand suddenly and just as quickly letting it go when I realized what I did. It made her smile, however, and I smiled back at her.

 

She grabbed my hand and nodded, “I just don’t want to let anyone down. I need to keep having fun and looking toward my future so I don’t let her down especially. She believed I could make it as a scientist, and I want to see that through too.”

 

“I want to see you do it because I also believe in you,” I told her.”But it’s okay to slow down. You’re the smartest person I know and Ms. Jackson seems to think you are well ahead of where you need to be. It’s all going to work out, I know it.” We smiled at each other as we arrived at my apartment.

 

“Well, I’ll see you later, thank you Steve,” she said and I nodded and said goodnight in return. We both realized we were still holding hands quickly dropped them. I walked inside and sighed wishing I had the courage to have kissed her.

  
  
 

* * *

  
 

June 30, 1935

 

Uncle Ryan lost his job for drinking while working. I had luckily found a second job at a diner near our school to make more money as the flower shop didn’t offer enough hours to provide for the two of us. I didn’t say anything to him when I found out, how could I? I was still living under his roof and it wasn’t like our relationship had improved at all. I was slowly becoming more like myself, but that didn’t apply to how I as with Uncle Ryan. I tried to stay out of his business as I simply paid all the bills I could and continued to work at home. It was good school was out, but I didn’t know how I would manage once it started up again in the fall. I didn’t tell my friends the truth why I took the second job, I just said I missed working at a diner before even if the circumstances weren’t so great at the last one.

 

“You know Mads, this was a great decision. Half off food for us, you sure know how to win our hearts,” Bucky said with a face full of cheeseburger and fries as they sat at the counter and I worked behind.

 

“Yeah you’re just lucky my boss is kind enough to let you have a discount.” I replied while wiping down the space a previous customer ate at. “Hey Steve, why aren’t you eating like a madman like Bucky over here?” I teased because he hadn’t touched his food at all.

 

“Oh, I’m not feeling too well right now,” he said without looking at me.

 

“What is it? Allergies? Asthma? Do you need to lie down?” I asked stopping what I was working on. He was looking a little pale.

 

“Oh no, don’t worry Maddi. I just don’t have much of an appetite.” He smiled at me but I was unconvinced. He often became sick with one small thing and it brought his entire physical behavior down. Part of it was mental but a lot was that his body just didn’t react to being sick well.

 

“Okay, well just take it easy then,” I told him sternly and he nodded back to me in agreeance. “What do you boys want to do after my shift?” I asked, changing the subject.

 

“Oh we can’t hang out tonight Maddi, we both have dates.” Bucky said with a grin. Steve did not look as enthused, he honestly looked more sick at the mention of it.

 

“Oooo, that’s exciting! How did you come about these dates?” I asked with curiosity as Steve was never one to go on dates like Bucky.

 

“I met this girl and she has a friend. I figured what better person to set her up with than my buddy, Steve,” he said while putting a friendly hand on Steve’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah, it’s probably not going to go well. She agreed before meeting me so…” Steve trailed off in his sentence and it made me frown.

 

“Steve, if this girl doesn’t love everything about you, she isn’t worth your time,” I told him. I hated how people treated Steve, he was sick and a little smaller than most men, but had a heart bigger than anyone and was smart and attractive. “What are you four planning?”

 

“Dinner and dancing,” Bucky spoke up.

 

“Oh I love to dance! I hope y’all have fun, I’ll probably just be heading to the library or maybe home after work then,” I replied.

 

“Still not dating anyone new, Maddi?” Bucky asked me with a smirk.

 

I shook my head and said, “I haven’t been on any date in quite a while. There isn’t enough time for that what with my jobs, school, keeping up the home, and dealing with you two.” I smiled as they pretended to be hurt by my words. They left after finishing their lunch and I continued until my shift ended an hour later.

 

I took a slow walk home and unlocked the door to hear a bottle crash in the next room. I quickly ran towards the sound to see my uncle standing over what seemed like a dropped bottle of whiskey on the floor. He didn’t seem to phased by it and just grabbed a second bottle from the shelf and took it with him to his room in silence. My hands were shaking as I wiped a few tears away. I didn’t understand how he had let himself get in this constant state. He still had me to take care of but it had been turning into the other way around. I got a brom and tried to sweep all the glass pieces. I mopped up the drink and slightly cut my hands while wringing the mop. He still hadn’t left his room by the time I finished. I went to our container of money to put my last week’s earnings in with the rest of the money. I had been keeping a close count to make sure all our bills were being paid and we had enough for food and other necessities. After that, I went straight to work on dinner, some boiled chicken and rice. It was a common meal because it was cheap and filling enough. I ate my own meal and decided to go to bed as I left the plate of food for uncle Ryan to have whenever he decided it was time to eat.

  
  
 

* * *

  
 

July 19, 1935

 

I came home from work to find all the money in our container gone. I knew exactly where it had gone as we were running out of all our alcohol the day before, but we suddenly had plenty more bottles as I looked around the kitchen in shock and anger. There was enough to pay essentials, but I knew I wouldn’t be eating anything from home in weeks to make up for this. I only really ate enough anymore because I got one free meal a day at the diner. It was one of the best places to eat in town, so they had the money to help out their employees. Usually, I only made dinner about twice a week and it was starting to show on me how little I was truly eating. Thankfully, nobody had mentioned it yet because I just didn’t want to talk about it. He went out with some other guys from time to time, and I assumed he ate with them too. I honestly didn’t care where he would find food from here on out. I wasn’t just angry with my uncle but with myself for thinking I could leave the money in a place he could find it. I felt so stupid. He had no problem talking to some other people, but he always ignored me. I had tried to talk with him, but it never worked. He was too drunk to care or just didn’t want to talk with me in general. I couldn’t imagine how Aunt Lily felt about this watching from heaven. I prayed everyday to God that this would get better for her sake. It was not fair he husband and niece couldn’t even hold a conversation. I didn’t know what to do anymore and I sometimes just hoped this would all just go away.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: It’s clear my story is dealing with some dark and difficult themes. There are many different types of relationships like this and they are not all the same. They are also not all easy to see from certain perspectives, and this topic is important to me. I apologize if something may seem unrealistic or confusing because I do not have personal experience with everything I write, especially because I also like to keep in mind the time period of the piece. I also want to warn that those who will struggle form reading this to not hesitate and stop because I do not want anyone to feel trapped into reading uncomfortable parts of the story. This chapter might have that. Those who do read, please review and let me know how you feel about it; I would love to know your thoughts on the choices I made in Maddi’s character development so far. I promise this will not be the way the story is forever, we all know eventually we’ll be bringing in Captain America (although it’s still a little while until I get there).**

 

* * *

  
  
  


August 16, 1935

 

I hid the money every day and it was working until I came home one day to find my entire room torn apart, and all the money gone once more. It looked as if racoons had come in looking for food because things were thrown about the room and tossed upside down and some of my possessions even ripped open. However, what really made me shake and cry with more anger than ever before was that my private box with all my drawings from Steve was open and the drawings were clearly not held with care. They were scattered around crumpled as someone grabbed a fistfull of a couple and threw them aside. One was ripped as it got caught on the edge of the box. These were my favorite gifts given to me and they were ruined because  _ he _ needed to steal our money.  _ He  _ clearly had no more regards for me or anything I did for the two of us to still have a place to live. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to confront him about this behavior. There was no way we could keep living this way, and there was no way I could stand for him treating me like this. I marched into the other room to find him still sitting in his chair looking at nothing in particular so I stood in front of him and was surprised he acknowledged me right away.

 

“You have to stop,” I said with as much firmness in my voice as possible. “Your drinking problem has spiraled out of control. You went through my room for the money I have worked hard everyday earning for us to keep from living on the street. You ruined my things, my personal items. Aunt Lily would be so ashamed of everything you have done since she died. How could you do this to us, to her?!” I was so angry that I was yelling and crying and couldn’t stop from saying everything on my mind. He slowly got out of his chair, barely able to stand straight. He was towering half a foot over me and I took a few steps back as I felt much smaller than before. 

 

“I didn’t want you,” he said quietly and with disgust. I looked up at him with my brows furrowed. “Lily left that town to be with me, and we were happy for years. And sure, I took you in because you were her family and she cared so much. I provided for you while we are still in the middle of the worst time our country has had.”

 

“And now I’m providing for you, guess I’m not longer the burden here.” I interrupted but knew instantly it was a mistake as I felt a sting on my face and was then looking at the ground. He had slapped me so hard I couldn’t even feel it until after I realized what happened. I was no longer shaking in anger, but in fear.

 

“I should have realized you would be a curse to us. Your entire family died, you were the only one who was still alive. You’re cursed somehow; you killed her; all of this is your fault. Lily would have never died if you hadn’t come here.” He grabbed my wrist and shook me with fury in his eyes and I was frozen. “And I won’t have you telling me what to do. You’re nothing, and you’re dangerous: everyone you get close to dies. I will take money from my house whenever I want without you bitching about it. So stay out of my business before I end up dead too.” He threw me on the ground forcefully and I landed on the small wooden table in the main room of our home. It broke beneath me from the impact of my fall. I sat there on top of the pile and pulled my knees into my chest. I had bruises forming already, along with that all too familiar hand mark on my wrist. He had left the room after pushing me down and slammed his door shut. I put my head on my knees and just cried harder than I had in a long time. I never thought of it like that, but he was right… everyone I loved had died. Maybe God cursed me, and I thought about Steve, Bucky and even Alice. They were the only people left who cared about me. What if they were next in this neverending nightmare of mine? I didn’t know what to do, but I figured covering up the red mark on my face was the first step. I couldn’t let anyone know about this; this was my only home, and I wouldn’t know what to do if people found out about what had happened. I had make up still from when Aunt Lily bought me some. She took me out on my birthday last year. She said I was growing up and should be able to use some if I wanted to. I hadn’t used much of it, trying to make it last, so thankfully I could cover my face and make the fingerprints fade a little. I quickly left after cleaning the mess in the front room and headed straight to Alice’s house. 

 

She opened the door and smiled, “Hello Maddi!” 

 

“Hi Alice,” I said trying to act as normal as possible. I wanted nothing more but to be cruel and make her hate me enough to never talk to me again. That way she would be safe from whatever was wrong with me, but I was too selfish and couldn’t lose my only girl friend. “I was wondering if maybe you had any extra make up lying around. I was running low and just don’t really have the means for buying more right now. I understand if you can’t give me any-”

 

“Oh no, Maddi, of course I can give you some!” Alice stopped me from rambling on. “Glad to see I can be a better friend than Steve in this case,” she said with a wink. She had a bit more money than most people in our school, and that was due to her family being better off before the country’s economic condition went down the drain. “How are you two by the way?” she asked as we walked towards her room.

 

“Steve’s great, he comes to the diner sometimes with Bucky. You should too; I could get you some half off meals,” I told her. 

 

“Yeah, but I meant have you guys started going out yet?” She asked with a smirk.

 

“Oh Alice, that’s not going to happen. We’re just friends.” I blushed with my reply.

 

“Madeline Jane Bennett, I see the way you look at that boy. You may just be friends now but I know you want more.” I shook my head and looked down. It didn’t matter if maybe what she said were true, I could not make his odds worse. I had to keep it to friends and nothing more, love turned to death around me. 

 

“That’s not me, I don’t really even see myself ever getting married so I don’t want to start something that will one day end with us no longer talking,” I told her and she gasped.

 

“Maddi, I know you’re all for going to college and getting a fancy degree, but not getting married? What about kids? Don’t you want any of that someday?” She was an only child who wanted lots of kids when she got married.

 

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know, just getting that close to someone seems too dangerous for me,” I said and she fell silent. I hoped I didn’t give too much away, I didn’t want to sound crazy and I didn’t want to explain Ryan. 

 

“I understand what you mean,” She said as we sat on her bed. “You’ve lost a lot of people in your life, Maddi, and you are afraid of getting hurt anymore than you already have,” she took a hold of my hand. “But someday that’ll pass and you won’t want to be alone. So don’t deny yourself something wonderful now. Steve adores you, and he’s way better than anyone else you’ve been on a date with. Some of those guys didn’t even last one dinner before you moved along because they are clearly not the ones for you.” I nodded silently but didn’t think I would be doing anything about it. She may be right in how I feel about Steve, but I couldn’t shake what happened to me at my house. I couldn’t let him get hurt and he would want to help me. I had to keep Steve safe in more ways than one. So I thanked her for the make up and she promised to visit me at work soon.

 

I walked slowly home and was relieved to find  _ him  _ out of the house when I got there. I went to clean up my room and sat on my bed after with Steve’s drawings in my hands. Some of the colored ones were smeared and unfixable, but the wrinkled pencil ones were just that: wrinkled. They would have to do as they were. I was particularly sad about the torn one because it was the first one he ever drew for me on that snowy day. I didn’t want to show him and ask for another because it wouldn’t be the same, and he might get mad at me, but I wanted it so bad. Maybe he had some of that adhesive tape, I knew I didn’t have the means to buy some of my own right now. 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


September 1, 1935

 

Everyday I had to cover something new up. He would hit me for anything now, and I didn’t think it would ever stop. At first it was whenever I mentioned something he didn’t like or I messed something up. Now it was for walking too close to him or coming home at the wrong time or even catching me looking in his direction. He would pull my to the ground from my hair, or slap me, throw me against thing, sometimes even give a punch. But the thing he did most was grab onto my wrist before anything else. It was how he knew I wouldn’t be able to dodge or slip away,and they were small and easy to grip. My wrists were always purple and blue, so I always wore long sleeves even if it were warm outside. I had gotten incredibly thin over the past couple of months, but just tried to ignore it. 

 

School started up again and I missed more days than I used to because I had to keep working. That is what made my friends suspicious. “Are you doing alright, Maddi? You’re working too much right now,” Alice asked me as we sat for lunch one of the days we were in school. She sat with Steve and I, and Bucky wasn’t there because he no longer went to school. He was currently working in a factory, not sure what else to do in the meantime because he wasn’t on board for more school. I hated lying to them so I tired to dance around the situation.

 

“I don’t think I’m working too much yet,” I said back.

 

“You haven’t been to school twice this week because you were working,” Steve pointed out. “You never used to do that.”

 

“Having both jobs can be demanding,” I replied.

 

“Then quit one of them,” Alice suggested.

 

“I can’t,” I said softly.

 

“Why, Maddi? Are you sure you’re doing okay at home?” Steve asked with concern in his voice.

 

“Okay, my Uncle Ryan lost his job, they were making cuts. I have to keep working for now to cover the both of us.” 

 

“Maddi, we can help you-” Alice started but I cut her off.

 

“I don’t want that,” I told her sternly. “It’s okay, I can take care of the two of us just fine right now.”

 

“What about school next year? You still have to apply and won’t places notice you being gone every other day isn’t good?” Steve asked.

 

“That’s not really on my mind much right now, it’s not as important anymore.” I said, which was true. I didn’t think much about learning more scientific equations while  _ he  _ smacked me around. Besides, I don’t think he would let me go to a university next year if I wanted, and how would I pay for our lives and my school at the same time while going?

 

“You’re future is important. It’s what you love to do and you shouldn’t give up on it,” Steve said while Alice nodded. 

 

“See, what you need to do is find a nice and sweet rich lad to marry and then you can follow those dreams of yours,” Alice suggested and Steve made a face.

 

“I don’t think that’s the solution here, Alice.” I told her. “I have to keep doing what I need to do right now so I can have a home and a happy family and whatever comes next will just have to wait.” I made sure they understood the conversation was over by getting up and walking back inside to the school before lunch was over. I didn’t even have anything to eat today, which wasn’t a first but I didn’t want them to keep getting suspicious. I didn’t know how to keep hiding everything from them.

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


September 15, 1935

 

“Maddi, can I talk with you?” Ms. Jackson asked after class. I stayed behind and everyone left to go home. “I’m worried about your recent behavior, it’s very unlike you. You haven’t been at school much or really engaged in anything we’ve been learning. Has something happened?” I thought for a minute before replying.

 

“I’ve had to work more for my family. I don’t think our plans for next year are possible anymore and I’m sorry for wasting your time. Goodbye, Ms. Jackson.” I left the room before she could say anything back. I had a few tears in my eyes as I heard her call my name and I ran out the building. I was letting everyone down, including myself. 


	13. Chapter 13

October 3, 1935 (STEVE’S POV)

I couldn’t keep ignoring how different Maddi had been acting the past few months, no matter how much she acted like it was nothing. Her Uncle lost his job, that must be hard on her, but she never wants to talk about it. She was at lunch today and I saw her sweater slip up closer to her elbow, which revealed a nasty bruise all around her wrist. I stayed quiet about it at the time because Alice was eating with us again. She was much nicer than I had initially thought. It seemed once she was no longer friends with the more demanding girls, she was funny and kind. Maddi liked having her as a friend, and I didn’t mind her because she never seemed to look at me funny like all the other girls. After school, I asked Maddi if she would have time to walk through the park with me and she agreed. Maddi was much more quiet than in the past, and it made me sad to not hear her beautiful voice telling me a million different stories throughout our day.

We sat down at a bench and I knew this was the right time to bring up the bruise I saw earlier. “Maddi, I know you have been acting different recently, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But care about you more than you could possibly know and I saw a bruise on your arm at lunch today. What happened?” She looked straight ahead as she realized what I saw and I felt bad for asking but I knew it was the right thing to do. 

A tear fell down her face as she spoke after a couple minutes of silence. “I don’t know how to tell you.” It pained me to see her obviously hurting.

“You can tell me anything, Mads.”

“I don’t want you to see how weak I am,” she replied.

“Maddi, nothing you show or tell me will make me think any less of you. I promise,” I was completely telling the truth when I said this because she was close to perfect in my eyes.

“I lied before,” she looked down at her hands as she spoke. “My Uncle didn’t lose his job last month, he lost it in July.” That’s why she was working two jobs all summer. I stayed quiet to let her continue. “And it wasn’t because the company was making cuts, but because he was drinking on the job and they fired him for reckless behavior. He has been drinking since May, and it’s because of me,” as she said those last words, she burst into tears and put her face in her hands. I immediately put my ar around her and she leaned into my shoulder. We were the same height so it wasn’t too difficult for me to console her. On top of that, she had become as skinny as I was.

“Maddi, how could it possibly be your fault? He made the awul choice to do this to himself.” 

“Because I’m the reason Aunt Lily died. I don’t know what I did but God must be punishing me for something, every family member who has cared about me has died.” What she was saying was ridiculous, but I didn’t want her to feel worse. “He started drinking because his wife died, and I tried to get him to stop, but he told me he wasn’t going to let me kill him to. So he hits me and throws me against the walls and the floor and he always grabs my wrists like he’s about to break them and I didn’t want to tell you Steve, and I’m so sorry for keeping this from you.” I was angry, but not at Maddi. She just confessed in all her tears and slight hysteria what her uncle had been doing to her for months. He was abusing her and she was covering it up everyday. 

“Maddi,” I said with sadness leaking from my voice but she stopped me. 

“I know, I should be stronger and stand up to him like you do to anyone who tries to hurt you, but I just get so scared and it hurts so much when he grabs onto me that I can’t think of anything but how much I wish it were over. We never have enough money anymore for food and I just know we will be losing our apartment soon and I just try to push it all away so it hurts less.” 

“Maddi, you are the strongest person I know!” I told her with full confidence. “To go through this all alone for so long, you are incredibly strong. None of this is your fault, you uncle has it all backwards. Your Aunt didn’t die because of you, please never think that is your fault. It happens sometimes and it’s sad, but God isn’t punishing you. I promise that i I only know one thing, it’s that you’re the kindest person I know and don’t deserve any of this. You can’t live there anymore.” She looked at me like I was crazy.

“I have to, I don’t have any other family. His children live across the country and they didn’t even come to visit when their mother died.” 

“Maddi, how bad does he hurt you? Because from what you already said, it sounds really bad.” She slowly rolled up her sleeves to show both wrists a completely different shade than the rest of her skin.

“These are the worst. Like I said, he grabs here whenever he talks to me or throws me around. My face hasn’t been touched in a while, but he has punched and slapped me. A lot of it is beneath my clothes from being thrown into things, or sometimes kicked.” She had less emotion telling me this and I actually had tears in my eyes from it. She was in so much emotional and physical pain, I wish I could have just taken it all away from her.

“Live with me,” I told her as I wiped my eyes before she saw me cry.

“What?” She asked confused.

“You can’t keep living there. It’s not safe for you and I will not let you be in danger any longer. Come live with me and my mother, I know she’ll let you as soon as she knows why. She adores you.” She shook her head and looked away.

“I can’t do that, there’s not enough room for me or enough money. I couldn’t put that on you or your mother Steve-” 

“Maddi, I can’t accept no for an answer,” I said, cutting her off. “Please Maddi, you mean so much to me and I can’t let you live another day in that house where he’ll keep hurting you.” I could barely get the words out but she looked at me and she smiled. She smiled more than she had in a while and she cried as she threw her arms around me and thanked me over and over. “Can you promise me one thing though?” I asked her as I hugged her back. “Don’t ever blame yourself for your aunt’s death, your father’s, Alex’s, or your mother’s. What has happened to them and to you is not fair and it has nothing to do with you.” She leaned back and looked into my eyes. I could tell she was struggling internally as she thought over what I said, but she eventually nodded her head.

“I promise,” She whispered. We sat in silence for a bit until I thought of something.

“Is there a time we can go gather all your things? I’ll come help, is he ever out of the house?” I asked her.

“Yeah, he sometimes goes out with these guys I’ve never met. We can go now, he should be gone until later tonight.” We walked towards her house and I waited outside while she checked first if the apartment was empty. She came back out a couple minutes later to tell me it was clear. We had a few large bags and started putting the essentials in from her room. She kept most of the money out in the open for her uncle to not get upset, but she kept some hidden under a floorboard under her bed. “Rent was coming up and I was trying to get enough but it just wasn’t going to cut it this time.” She had only about $10, which was certainly not enough for a month’s rent. We kept packing her clothing and school items. I came across a box on her dresser and opened to see if what was inside was important. I was surprised to see all the drawings I made her.

“You kept all of these?” I asked in awe. There were even some that were small and quick. Some that I didn’t put much effort into because I was just doodling, but she kept those too. 

“Of course, I love your art,” She said with a smile. “I’m really sorry that some of them aren’t in the best condition. When he ransacked my room for money a while back, he messed some of them up. The first one you gave me was even ripped up, that’s the one I tried to fix earlier.” It was tapped on the back and I smiled to myself at how wonderful it felt she loved my drawings this much. She took the box and carefully placed it in her bag.

“You sure you want to bring all of these? I can make you more: better ones even.” I suggested.

“No way! I love each and every one of them. They are coming with… and you can make me more,” she smirked as she added that last part. I shook my head and laughed a bit. When we had finished getting everything she needed, we walked towards my place. I opened the door and my mother was sitting at the kitchen table. 

“ Hello mom, can I talk to you about something important?” I asked and she glanced towards Maddi and then back to me. 

“Sure. Come on in Maddi, you can wait here while we go talk in my room.” We had two bedrooms and a kitchen/living area. It was nicer than many other places, but we still had to live tightly and everything else.

“We have to let Maddi live with us,” I stated. It was bold, but I have no other options. “She has nowhere else to go. Her uncle drinks all the time and steals her money earned. He hits her too, mom.” Maddi told me it was all right to tell my mother what happened so she would understand.

“Is she all right? The poor girl, of course! We will figure out how to make it work; I don’t want her in that kind of danger anymore.” My mother loved Maddi. “Now you two won’t be sleeping in the same room. That would be well past improper. She’ll take your room and will have to fit you on the sofa-”

“Absolutely!” I cut her off, my face I got him read from her words. She knew how I felt about Maddi, even if I hadn’t out right told her. But I was also a gentleman and would give up my bed for Maddi if she needed. There was no way we would be sharing one or even sharing a room together. We both walked out and my mother told Maddi she could stay.

“Thank you! Thank you so much Mrs. Rogers!” She had her beautiful glowing smile as she spoke. “I can help pay rent, and for food. I’ll sleep on the floor out here too-”

“No, no, no.” My mother interrupted. “You’ll be sleeping in Steve’s room, he can be out here. And I want you quitting one of your two jobs Steve told me about. I don’t mind you helping out but you need to focus back on school. I know you are a very bright young woman, and I promise you whatever you need I will help you get it to the best of my ability.” 

Maddi looked like she was about to cry, my mom was been so helpful and caring. I was glad that the two of us could protect Maddi and make her happier than she’s been in a very long time. I knew that I would do anything to keep her safe and happy.

 

* * *

 

**A/N: your gift above, an entire update all in Steve’s point of view. Hope you enjoyed it!**


	14. Chapter 14

November 8, 1935

 

I had been staying with the Rogers for a little over a month, and my Uncle never once tried to find out where I was. No visits to the school or searching anywhere, and I knew he didn’t care. I was out of his life and he was happy for it. Except I went to see the apartment and there was a lock on the door from the outside by the owner. He had been evicted from not paying rent. I figured he was staying with a friend, and I didn’t really care just as he didn’t care for me. I prayed to God and Aunt Lily for forgiveness. I was abandoning him, and I would hope that she would understand. I always thought their relationship was strong, but as I thought about it over the last month, I never really saw them interact much together except for formalities. It’s hard to decipher their history when neither of them were in my life anymore. It was something that I was trying to move past as I was working towards getting my own life back on track.

 

I was 17 and I needed to have a plan of some sort, I didn’t want to bother Mrs. Rogers for too long. She was so kind and had been getting to know me every day. Since my ma died when I was so young, Aunt Lily was the closest I had to a mother. Now Mrs. Rogers was filling the empty spot in a teenage girl only filled by a female role model. She was very smart: a good nurse who made enough money to provide for her son’s medical expenses. I had apologized also to Ms. Jackson for ignoring her guidance, and she was helping me with applications and bringing my grades back up. I quit my flower shop job; although I loved how beautiful it was to work there, the diner gave me a free meal a day and still gave my friends a discount. I was finally eating a bit more than before, but it would take a while to get back to a healthy state. My stomach wasn’t used to the sudden increase in food, so it needed time to adjust.

 

Steve drew me something almost every other day to make up for the ones destroyed earlier. I would sometimes sit and watch him draw and just smile at how concentrated he was in the details. It always amazed me at how well he was at art, it was never my creative expertise. I loved to dance, and I was a fairly good singer even if I hadn’t sung in years. “You should go to art school,” I told him as we sat on the kitchen table and he drew my face. The drawing made me look so elegant and beautiful already and it wasn’t even halfway done.

 

“I don’t know, it doesn’t sound very practical.” He replied with a good point. He needed to pay for it and then it wouldn’t give him much of a job after unless he was hired for maybe a cartoon artist in the paper. I had tried to get him on board with this idea earlier that year, but I never went through with it as much I wish I had because of everything since then.  

 

“You could always sell what you make,” I offered. “I would buy anything made by you.” He blushed slightly and I smiled. He was particularly cute when he didn’t know what to say back to my compliments.

 

“You’d be the only one.”

 

“Not true! I would make Bucky buy a few. And I know your ma loves them.” He laughed at that and I giggled along with him. “Maybe enter an art contest? Those tend to have good prizes for the winners.” He thought about that for a bit.

 

“I don’t, Maddi. I’ve never really shown other people my drawings. They probably aren’t good enough.”

 

“Now that is just a load of garbage talk right there! I am going to find you an art contest and you should at least try to submit something.” He stayed silent but slowly nodded his head and continued drawing. He would sometimes look at me to study features on my face and I couldn’t help but smile wide at the intensity in his eyes. “I am applying to brooklyn college and a few other places nearby.” I told him.

 

“That’s great, Maddi! I’m really happy you’re still working on that.” He replied.

 

“I don’t know what will come from it though, I don’t really have the money to pay an entire tuition cost.”

 

“Well maybe they’ll want you so much, they pay for you to go there.” I laughed at his suggestion.

 

“That would be wonderful.”

 

“If they knew how smart you were, they would do it in a heartbeat.” Then it was my turn to blush.

 

“Well, I guess we just have to see what happens,” I smiled at him and he smiled back. We sat in a comfortable silence as he started on the color of his drawing. He hid it from me at this point bc he wanted me to wait until it was finished to see it. After a little while longer, he finally revealed it to me. I smiled even bigger than before. “Steve, it’s beautiful! One of your best yet! I absolutely love how red you made my hair, you really make me look gorgeous.”

 

“I don’t need to do anything to make you look gorgeous, you do that all on your own. I just draw what I see,” he replied while avoiding my eyes.

 

His words made me feel warm inside and I realized what Alice had said months ago was right. I liked Steve. It had been in the back of my mind for awhile but I never wanted to admit it to myself. Everything he did, everything he said made me like him even more. He was so kind to me, and he cared about others and was smart and talented, and despite what other girls might say, I found him rather handsome. This sudden realization made me nervous. I knew not to blame myself for any of my family’s deaths, but to have feelings besides friendship with Steve scared me. Whether it was my fault or not, I had a history of losing people I loved and I didn’t want this to get to that point, if it hadn’t already. I couldn’t love Steve, I had never even been on a date with him. But then I thought about how I felt with John and how I thought that was love. I thought about all the other dates I had been with and no man had been anywhere near how I felt about Steve. Steve may had been still small, but he was more of a man than almost anyone else I knew. He treated people right; he spent time with his family; he got a job and was working through his ailments.

 

It broke my heart that girls didn’t see him the way I did. I could always tell he dreaded dates with Bucky because they never treated him the way he deserved. I knew he was nothing but a gentleman, and they judged him on one glance. He deserves a nice girl who saw him for who he was, but that wasn’t me. I was nowhere close to good enough for him. I had a terrible past of putting people close to me in danger somehow. I didn’t have those perfect girlfriend qualities because I was pursuing a career most girls didn’t. I didn’t want that housewife life and I had no idea if he would want that from me even if we did end up together. Besides, if he wanted to be with me, would he be going on all these dates? I knew he just loved being my friend, and I could accept that. Maybe loving him like that would be as good as it would ever get for me.

 

Alice always talked about getting married as soon as she could, so there was no way I could tell her this and not have her go crazy. I would just keep it to myself because there was really nothing I could do now. We had a good friendship; he and his mom took me into their home: they saved me from probably living on the streets and throwing my entire life away.

 

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November 28, 1935

 

“This meal looks wonderful, Mrs. Rogers,” I said as the three of us sat at the table eating out Thanksgiving dinner.

 

“Thank you, Maddi. Now you know how to make it too, I’ll write down everything I showed you so maybe next year you can could do it too.” She had been teaching me different meals to cook. She had a of of lovely Irish dishes I had never tried. My family was part Irish, but we had been in America for so long, it wasn’t as big of a part of our lives growing up as it it for Mrs. Rogers. We were Catholic, which wasn’t as common out in Rural America. It was nice that the Rogers were too. “Stevie, why don’t you say grace?” She asked her son.

 

He thanked the Lord for our blessings, specifically for getting me out of the terrible situation I was in before. He thanked us all being able to eat together and be happy. I agreed with everything he prayed for; I was happy. I still had a nightmare here and there from before, but I would wake up and calm myself down knowing I was safe.

 

After he was done, we ate our food and it tasted even better than it looked. Mrs. Rogers liked to bring out the spices for important meals like this. She used a little more fancy cooking than on an average night and it was wonderful.

  
 

* * *

  
 

December 2, 1935

 

“Maddi, there is no way you are telling me you don’t have any feelings for Steve.” Alice had been pestering me about it for a couple days now. “You have been living in his house for well over a month, and I know that you are closer to him than me because I would welcome you the second you wanted to stay with me.” I rolled my eyes.

 

“I don’t want to burden you Alice, I told you that already. I know you don’t mind, but your parents would and Mrs. Rogers is more than happy to keep me there. I don’t like putting that on them, but at least I know she is okay with it. I can assure you it has nothing to do with feelings for Steve.” I didn’t want to tell her the truth. She would overreact, try desperately to get us together.

 

“I may not believe you, but I have something I want to tell you about myself that I have been dying to say for a while, so I’ll let you off the hook for now.” She smiled with excitement and I asked her what it was. “I met this really nice guy about a month ago. He took me out last weekend, and I like him a lot!”

 

“That’s great Alice! What’s his name?”

 

“David Montgomery. He doesn’t go to our school, he actually is at Columbia University!”

 

“Wow, how on Earth did you meet him?” I asked her as that was in upper Manhattan.

 

“His family lives in Flatbush where my grandparents are and we met there when we were both visiting!”

 

“That’s a nice part of Brooklyn. I mean, I know you live on the west side of Brooklyn Heights, but Flatbush is even nicer than that,” I had been getting to know the area much better over the years I had lived in New York. Alice’s family was fairly well off, especially considering the economic downfall.

 

“That’s the best part! He’s a great guy and he’s got money!” I shook my head and giggled at her. Her standards were definitely something I didn’t partake in, but at least I knew she wouldn’t go for just any ol’ rich guy. “He’s majoring in business, is very smart. He wants to take me to go see Manhattan, I don’t visit like I used to. Isn’t it crazy how close we live near there and we never go?”

 

“It can be an expensive place to visit,” I replied.

 

“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure his family still makes at least $15,000 a year.”

 

“Oh my goodness, that’s an insane amount of money!” Alice was giddy with the man she found herself. I was surprised his family was doing so well in a time like now, but I wasn’t jealous. Sure it would be nice to have the money to go to a school like Columbia, but I wasn’t someone who was rushing to marry into money. I just hoped Alice would remain happy with whoever she ends up with.

 

* * *

 

**A/N: I try to do my research on New York as I don't live there, but more importantly I didn't grow up there in the 1930s. If there's something you don't agree with that I've put in one of my chapters like a factual error, please let me know so I can correct. Hope you liked this chapter, let me know your thoughts in the comments, I love would love to read them!**


	15. Chapter 15

 

December 25th, 1935

 

Steve, Mrs. Rogers, and I went to visit Steve’s dad and my aunt after the Christmas Eve Mass this year. It had been a really beautiful experience, I was very happy to have them there with me and I prayed for all my family buried in Tennessee.

 

This morning we had given each other gifts. I hadn’t expected anything since they already had given me so much the past couple of months, but they insisted. Mrs. Rogers had a beautiful dress made for me by a lady next door. Steve had given me an empty photo book. “I don’t know if it kinda sounds like a selfish gift, but I know you like to keep the drawings I give you in that box. Maybe you could put it in here?” He had told me as I held it in my hands.

 

“No Steve, this is absolutely perfect! Now I can look at them in here and they’ll look so nice all in a book like this.” I loved the gift. “Mine to you is also related to your drawings.” I laughed a bit as I handed him his gift. It was a new sketchbook. “I noticed you were getting towards the end while drawing in your personal book, so I figured you would be needing a new one.” He had the papers he showed me, Buck, and his ma, and then he had his private art that we all respected to not look at. 

 

“Thank you so much Maddi,” he said as he flipped through the fresh papers. I gave Mrs. Rogers her gift, which was a list of the different recipes I brought with me from aunt Lily. I had the family book, but I made a handwritten copy for her because I had made a few meals earlier and she loved them. It was a wonderful celebration and Steve and I couldn’t wait to give our present to Bucky, which was a new pair of shoes he really wanted. I felt happier everyday and it was because of the wonderful friends I had, I never felt more grateful and hopeful for the future.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


December 31, 1935

 

Steve and I sat on our roof waiting for midnight to come. Bucky was out on a date, Alice was with Dave, and Mrs. Rogers was working, so it was just the two of us. We had been sitting in comfortable silence for a while until I spoke something that was on my mind for a while. “What a year it’s been,” I looked out onto the tops of the nearby buildings as I spoke. “I’m ready for this.”

 

“Ready for what?” Steve questioned.

 

“The New Year. Doesn’t it just sound so wonderful? We get to start the New Year forgetting the past and making a new future. Losing my aunt, going through everything that Monster did to me, I don’t need to let it crush me anymore.” Steve thought about what I said for a bit.

 

“I’m glad you get to feel like this,” he told me.

 

“You too Steve, I’m sure there is something you want to cast away. Maybe a bad date?” I teased him a bit. He chuckled and shook his head. “And maybe this year, an advancement in your art. Or maybe you’ll find a girl worth your time,” I secretly hoped that wouldn’t happen but I also knew he deserved it more than anyone. 

 

“I don’t know about that,” he looked down and I frowned for a slight second but then it quickly went away. 

 

“Steven Rogers, this is a time for hope and excitement,” I said with a new enthusiasm in my voice. “We’ll be true adults this year and it’s time for us to let go of our childhood a little bit. It’s okay to keep the good stuff and even remember the bad from time to time, but we will not let it negatively guide us any longer. We will use it to make a path fit for just us, one that will let us succeed. I’ll be the best female scientist in the world!” I giggled as I shouted the last part and Steve shook with laughter. “And Steve Rogers will be….” I turned to him and smiled to let him finish the sentence.

 

“The strongest man alive!” I clapped as we both laughed at how silly we were being. I loved being with him so much in that moment. It was a wonderful way to end the year and transition into 1936. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


December 31, 1935 (STEVE’S POV)

 

The amount of change Maddi went through this year was astounding. I couldn’t believe her strength as she was more positive about her life than I was after everything she went through. It really set my own mind straight because she was right in saying that we needed to look to the future. Things could get better even when they seem hopeless and she made me see that better than I ever could if I didn’t have her in my life. We kept talking and goofing around until we saw fireworks and heard cheering coming from the various apartments. I looked at my pocket watch and we both smiled to each other. 

 

“Happy New Year, Steve,” she said as she looked at me with her beautiful eyes.

 

“Happy New Year, Maddi.”

 

“ _ Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? _ ” Maddi started singing as she looked back out to the city. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. “ _ Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne. _ ”

 

“Maddi, I thought you didn’t sing?” I asked her with a smile. 

 

“Like I said, it’s time to forget the old and start new. I haven’t sung since my daddy died, but I think I should maybe start again. Music has always calmed me and I really do love singing. Sing with me,” she said.

 

“No no, it’s okay. I’d rather just hear you for now. Your voice is, wonderful.” She blushed at my words and I knew more than ever that I was in love with her. Her spirit, her beauty, her brains, everything. I felt as though I had been in love with her for quite some time, but it was only then listening to her sing that I knew I loved her with all my heart.

 

“ _ For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne. We'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne. _ ” It was a perfect way to start the new year. I just closed my eyes and listened to her sing. The only thing that would make it better is if I had the guts to kiss her or even tell her how I felt. I guess no matter how much I would try to live by what Maddi told me, some old parts of me just would not go away. 

 


	16. Chapter 16

 

February 20, 1936

 

Living with Steve meant I saw every time he was sick, and it was more than I previously assumed. I would watch as Mrs. Rogers would fix him up different tonics or give him various medicine. His biggest problem was often his asthma. There wasn’t much we could do about it but help him through his breathing and I would sit with him and slowly breath with him as he lay on the couch. I had suggested several times he got his old bed back and I slept out in the main room, but he refused.  _ “A lady shouldn’t sleep out on the couch,” _ He would say every time I tried. 

 

“I wouldn’t consider myself much of a lady then,” I retorted as he said it once more. “I grew up on a farm, I don’t let others do work for me, I don’t keep my mouth shut like a good little lady.” I laughed at myself as I said these things and Steve laughed along with but then started coughing. “Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t joke around right now.”

 

“No, it’s fi-fine” He said as he kept coughing and I frowned. “I like to h-hear you make jokes, and laugh. It’s w-worth it.” He kept coughing and I watched him carefully, trying to figure out how to help. I watched Mrs. Rogers carefully whenever she helped because I wanted to be able to do so when she was at work. Luckily for me, Steve had dealt with this long before I moved in, so he was always able to manage without me when it was just the two of us home. 

 

I gave him some water and eventually his coughing calmed. “You need me to get anything?” I asked. He shook his head no and I got up to turn on the radio. I put music instead of a show or news on because he always liked when we would listen to music together. I enjoyed it too. I sang along as I did some extra work Ms. Jackson believed would be beneficial for me to review. It was a nice way to spend a day since Steve was too weak to leave the house. Bucky was working so it was just us. The two of us spend more time together than before and it was very pleasant. 

  
  


* * *

 

  
  


March 21, 1936

 

I got a letter from every school I applied to, and they were all rejection letters. They talked of my inability to carry out the desired fields, they offered an alternative acceptance in a simpler program, but they were all majority women fields. I felt awful, I should have known this would happen. I couldn’t let them keep this from me because I knew it was due to me being a woman. I had the brain ability and drive to learn anything a man could, but they pretended to not even notice. I told Steve and he was just as upset as I was. Not being able to go to a school because of money was one thing, but not even being accepted into the program was another. “They can’t do this, you have to fight them on it. Haven’t women had these physics, chemistry, engineering degrees before?” he asked me.

 

“Yes, but at larger schools, better schools. These aren’t known for their progressiveness, I just applied because they were closest to home. And even those women had to work hard to get where they wanted to be, I would have to prove myself ten times more capable than a man to even be considered in those schools.”

 

“You are though. I don’t know anybody who picks things up as quick as you, who understands things better than you, or who works harder than you.” I thought about what he said.

 

“It’s not too late to still talk with some other schools I guess,” I said. “I never applied to NYU, it was just too intimidating for me.”

 

“You should, isn’t their science program right here in Brooklyn?”

 

“Yeah, how did you even know that?”

 

“I take an interest in your interests sometimes.” I smiled at his words.

 

“You amaze me.” That day I decided to apply for the nearest school that scared me the most. I wrote a letter along with it specifically about the distastefulness of any school not accepting talent and intelligence based off of the gender of that person. I felt proud and hopeful because Steve and Bucky read it and they thought it was bold and expressed who I was and what I stood for. 

 

* * *

  
  
  


April 24, 1935

 

“‘Your eloquently argued points along with your evidence of a mind beyond your current education level has brought us to believe you will make an excellent addition to our growing school of engineering and applied sciences located in Brooklyn, New York City. Our financial assistance will consist of half the cost of a yearly education to be renewed every year of attendance.’” I was energetically reading my acceptance letter for NYU in the fall. I couldn’t believe such a miracle happened to me. Bucky and Steve cheered along with me as my persistence paid off. Throughout the last winter and spring months, I had visited every school I could to try and get people to accept me as a viable student, and now such an amazing school was accepting me in. 

 

“We’re so proud of you, Maddi.” Bucky said as Steve nodded.

 

“Thank you for believing I could do this. Especially you, Steve. Without your help, I don’t think I could have done this.”

 

“Nah, it was all you.” He replied.

 

“You gave me hope.” I smiled and hugged both of my best friends. Alice was meeting us at the park with her boyfriend and I couldn’t wait to tell her the news. David was actually a very nice guy. He was a little pretentious based on his upbringing, but perfect for Alice. We left Steve’s apartment to head over and I brought my letter with. As I saw Alice, I ran to show her. She was so happy for me and she hugged me.

 

“Maddi, you are so smart. You will do so well, I know it.” I nodded and was on a high from how happy I was. Later after everyone was done with their excitement, I started to think about the realistic nature of money. Half the cost was still too much for me to pay and I had no idea where I would find that money. I would have to work a second job the entire time to pay, but then I wouldn’t be able to focus on my studies. 

 

“I can’t go to university,” I said to Steve as we were home just the two of us.

 

“Of course you can Maddi, you deserve it more than anyone.”

 

“But I don’t have enough money. It’s just not a possibility. I don’t know what made me think I could do this right now, I don’t even fully support myself.”

 

“That doesn’t matter Maddi, you can keep living here and you don’t even have to help with rent or food, just put all your money to school.”

 

“You know I can’t do that.” I couldn’t make Mrs. Rogers and Steve pay for all my living expenses. “It can’t happen, it was always just a dream that wouldn’t come true.” I went to bed without saying anything else. I felt bad for being distant from him, but I was hurting from knowing I would spend the rest of my life working jobs that didn’t have any passion in them for me. It was selfish of me to think I could do it in the first place, everyone my age who grew up with the money I did could not go to any school costing money. I just had to come to terms with this because I wasn’t going to go with Alice’s suggestion of finding a rich man to marry. He would never want me to get a college degree and I just couldn’t marry a man only for wealth. Steve was so supportive, and I wish everyone was as believing in me as him.

  
  


* * *

  
  


April 30, 1936

 

“Maddi, we all have something we want to tell you,” Steve said standing with Bucky and Alice. 

 

“Yes?” I asked confused as to what they all had in mind. 

 

“We know you said you won’t go to school next year, but we decided that you really should,” Alice said.   
  


“I know you want that, but it’s not happening-”

 

“Maddi, stop talking. Listen to what we have to say please,” Bucky said with a joking smile. I shut my mouth and let them continue.

 

“We have put together the extra we all have, and we think with addition to your own money, you will be able to go to school next year,” Steve said.

 

“What do you mean?” I was scared as to what I thought he meant.

 

“After helping with the household expenses for all of our own families, we each will have money at the end of the month. We believe it should go to you for your schooling. And before you say no, Bennett, we know this is something none of us would accept either if we were in your position, but we all believe in you. Your brains should not be wasted at a diner or a factory or in the household. So this isn’t a handout, or anything like that. This is us investing in your future along with the future of America.” I had tears in my eyes as Bucky spoke.

 

“And I don’t even need this money, I would work for extra expenses my parents couldn’t buy but now David buys me everything I need and want so really it’s no big deal,” Alice pitched in. 

 

“Maddi,” Steve said taking my hand and I looked at him, not able to even say anything. “We can’t let you say no to this. You need to go to school and learn all these crazy science things because then you’ll be a famous female scientist or engineer or whatever you chose to be, and you’ll make or discover something great for the world. So don’t say no, just take it as a birthday present if you have to think of it that way even though you birthday isn’t until June.” I put my hand on top of the one he used to hold onto my other. I nodded my head yes as I smiled bigger than I ever had before.

 

“Thank you, Steve, Bucky, Alice,” I said as I looked at all of them. “For you to do this when you have your own families-”

 

“You’re our family too,” Bucky added. I looked down and couldn’t stop the tears of joy. 

 

“I can’t express how grateful I am for you three. I will cherish this for the rest of my life, thank you thank you thank you!” I gave Steve a big hug and he returned it. I then hugged my two other best friends and they all joked about my crying. “Well you guys just make me so happy,” I said back to them.

 

“You cry for everything, Bennett.” Bucky laughed as he spoke. “But it’s okay, we love you for it.” I shook my head and smiled. I was so blessed with a new family. They weren’t my blood, but they looked out for me and I looked out for them and I was happier than I had ever been in a long time.


	17. Chapter 17

August 12, 1936

 

“We looked for you after, my folks wanted to give you a ride to the cemetery” Bucky said as we walked up the stairs to Steve’s apartment. We had come from Mrs. Roger’s funeral and Steve had left the church without before we could stop him. 

 

“I know I’m sorry. I kinda wanted to be alone,” He replied.

 

“How was it?” Bucky asked.

 

“It’s okay, she’s next to dad.” I stayed quiet as I tried to be strong for Steve. He cried when we found out his ma died, and I held back tears as best as I ever had in the past. It was not my time to cry, it was my time to hug Steve and help him through it. 

 

“I was gonna ask,” Bucky started, but Steve interrupted.

 

“I know what you were gonna say Buck, I just-” 

 

“We could put the couch cushions on the floor like when we were kids. It’ll be fun, all you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash.” He said as Steve looked for our key. I took mine out and finally spoke.

 

“It’s okay if you want to go Steve, I can hold the fort down here.” I suggested, just trying to give him everything I could.

 

“Come on, Mads, you know you can always stay in my sister’s room too. I know she was important to you too.” I took a deep breath. It wasn’t my time to grieve; it was Steve’s. I didn’t get to visit her, but I know I would soon. She was in the same cemetery as Aunt Lily. 

 

“Thank you Buck, Maddi, but I can get by on my own.’’ I pulled out my key as Steve still hadn’t found his and handed it to him silently.

 

“Thing is, you don’t have to. I’m with you till the end of the line, Pal.” Bucky put his hand on his shoulder and I nodded.

 

“We both are, Steve.” I grabbed hold of his hand and he looked at it with a ghost of a smile. I still loved him, and it took a lot in me to not act on my feelings, but I couldn’t risk hurting him. It also took a lot to hold in my growing fear that I had something to do with his ma’s death. We became close just as Aunt Lily and I did. She was working in the TB ward, she just couldn’t avoid it at that point. She was such a kind and selfless person to be working with such a harsh sickness. I knew it was selfish to even suggest this was my fault, I wasn’t going to bring that on to Steve as well. 

 

“I’ll see you two later?” Bucky asked as he went to leave and we both nodded our heads. We walked inside and I started to make him a meal.

 

“I’m not that hungry,” He said.

 

“You haven’t eaten all day, Steve.” 

 

“I know, I just… I don’t think I can eat right now.”

 

“Come sit down, it’ll be something light. Just to put something in your system.” He nodded and sat at the table. I got him a glass of water and and some bread, he took a sip and held the bread as we sat in silence. “Bucky’s right,” I said. “We know you can do this on your own, but you don’t have to. You never left me when I needed you like this, and I won’t leave your side now.” 

 

“Thank you, Maddi.” He sent a sad smile towards me. “I know this is also hard for you. You two really got along, especially after you moved in.” I nodded my head holding back tears. “It’s okay for you to cry too.”

 

I shook my head as a tear slipped through. “I’m okay, really. I’m here for you, this isn’t about me.” I quickly wiped the tear and smiled. He didn’t say anything but I knew he wasn’t convinced with my statement. I would keep trying everyday to make sure we would both be okay. Neither of us had any family left, so we had to be there for each other.

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


August 19, 1936

 

“I think I should call the school to cancel my enrollment,” I told Steve about a week after the funeral. I started class the next week. 

 

“Maddi, no, why on Earth would you say that?” He asked.

 

“We don’t have the means anymore for me to do it. With your ma gone, it would just be too tight.”

 

“No, she would not want that,” He said immediately. “She wanted you to go to school, she believed in you just as much as I do and you know that.” I pursed my lips together thinking about what he said. “Maddi, you can’t do this because she passed. It wouldn’t be right.” 

 

“You’re right, I’m just worried about what we’re going to do.”

 

“We’ll be okay, I promise.” We were both 18 and living together in Steve’s apartment. It was really ours at this point, we both paid equal rent and did chores whenever they needed to be done. He had been going through his mother’s things and he also moved himself into her room while I continued to stay in his old room. It was considered quite scandalous that two young people would be sharing an apartment together, but we kept to ourselves from our neighbors, and people who knew us knew there was absolutely nothing going on. Even if I was lucky enough to be dating Steve, we would definitely wouldn’t be doing anything of that nature that would cause more rumors. 

  
  
  


* * *

 

 

October 1, 1936

 

“They hate me, Steve.” I said with tears in my eyes. “All they ever do is make me stand out more than I already did. There are two other girls in our program, and the men there treat us like servants or eye candy. The professors grade me twice as hard, and I don’t know how I will continue to handle this.” He was rubbing my back as I continued to express my struggles at school. I knew it would be hard, but this was more than I was expecting. I never showed them how upset it made me while I was there; I refused to look weak in front of anyone at that school. I had hoped to make a few friends, but even the other two girls didn’t like me. I did better than them still and they decided I wasn’t worthy of being their friend. It felt ridiculous how everyone acted about these things. We all wanted to learn the same thing and could be helping each other, but that’s not how any of them saw it.

 

“Maddi, you can handle it. I know it’s not fair, but you’re the strongest person I know, remember? No one can take down Madeline Bennett, she’s a fighter.” I smiled weakly at him. “You’re going to learn as much as you can and work as hard as you can to one day show them what you’re fully capable of. They’ll never even see it coming.” I nodded my head as I tried to calm down my tears. I have never stopped hating how much I cry. Steve calls me strong, but I should be better in control of my emotions if I were so strong.

 

After calming down fully, I told Steve I had to go. Alice wanted to meet for dinner together. As I arrived at the restaurant, she waved at me with excitement. I went to sit down and she smiled at me. “I have news!” She said as she looked at me with a huge grin. I asked her what it was and she held up her left hand with a ring on it. 

 

“Oh my goodness, Alice! That’s amazing!!” 

 

“I know! David asked yesterday and I couldn’t wait to tell you! We’re having our wedding in the spring and I want you to be my maid of honor.” 

 

“Oh Alice, I would love to!”

 

“You’ve been just such a good friend for so long. I know we used to have those other girls, but they never really cared about either of us. And I enjoy spending time with Bucky and Steve, which I wouldn’t have done without you. Speaking of, why aren’t you with Steve yet??” She questioned me.

 

“Alice, I’ve told you that’s not going to happen.” 

 

“Oh please, any day now it better. He’s sweet on you Maddi, and I know you like him back so don’t pretend anymore. Anyway, I just can’t wait to start planning the wedding, it’s going to be beautiful!”

 

“Can I see the ring again?” I asked with eagerness. She showed it to me across the table and I marveled at the beautiful design along with the pretty display of diamonds on top. It was definitely a higher end ring, it fit Alice very nicely. “I’m so happy for you, Alice.” I thought about the fact that I was nowhere near marriage. I knew I liked to say I didn’t care about that stuff, and I did enjoy focusing on my schooling and eventually advancing into a career, but it would be nice to at least know I would be maybe having a family soon. I was sure Alice would want children as soon as possible. I couldn’t wait to see their wedding, I liked David, he was very nice to people and treated Alice well. 


	18. Chapter 18

December 12, 1936 (STEVE’S POV)

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself,” Bucky said as him and I walked home from the factory. He was able to get me a full time job there, so we both worked all day together as Maddi took her classes.

“Bucky, I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“You comfort her when she’s sad, you laugh with her when you’re both happy, you basically already are together, you just don’t acknowledge it. You live alone together for heaven’s sake, make a move Rogers!”

“And if I do, and she backs away? She’ll move out and not want to even look at me anymore.”

“Steve, you gotta stop living in fear of her reaction. I don’t know anything else you would back down from, yet you do when it comes to telling Maddi how you feel. And she feels the same way as you do, trust me.” I shook my head. There was no way she felt the same. I loved her, and she was way too good for me. She could have any guys she wanted, she didn’t have to settle for a guy at her height, with no muscles, always sick, and who has never danced or been with any girl for more than one terrible date. 

“Bucky, I just can’t.”

“Jesus Steve, she will eventually move on from her feelings, which I promise are real, if you don’t act soon. You’ll be surprised what a little confidence will do for you.”

 

* * *

 

January 2, 1937

It was a beautiful snowy day and Steve and I were walking in the park. We got to our favorite bench, the one where he does a lot of his sketching and I just like to enjoy the nature around. We sat down and I thought about the night we had together with a smile on my face. Just the week before, he asked to take me out to dinner on this night. 

“Maddi, I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner with me next week?” He asked shyly as we sat listening to the radio at home. 

“Yeah, of course. Will Bucky be joining us?” I asked curiously.

“Well, I was actually asking as more of a….” he stumbled over his words, which rarely happened around me anymore. “Date?” My eyes widened in surprise. He couldn’t have been asking me on a date. I was too surprised to answer right away and he quickly filled in the silence. “Nevermind, that was stupid to ask, just forget it-”

“No!” I said quickly to his backtracking. “I mean, yes.” I blushed as I replied. “Yes I would love to go out on a date with you.” He looked stunned. I giggled and tried to play it off. “Come on Steve, I would be a fool if I didn’t say yes.” He smiled at that and I smiled back. 

The month before that, Bucky was trying to get me to admit my feelings for Steve to him. I finally gave in and told him, and he had the biggest grin. I should have know he was going to plot to get us together. I was secretly very grateful for that, he was probably the reason Steve asked me on a date. The dinner was awkward at first until I outright addressed that. I told him that we could still talk to each other like we always did. If this would go well, then we couldn’t let it affect the way we feel so comfortable around each other. He agreed and the rest of the date was more than pleasant. 

As we stood near our bench holding hands, we looked around at the beautifully lit street as the snow fell down. I turned to him and he was looking right at me. I took a leap of faith a decided to kiss him first. It was a sweeter kiss than I could have imagined. I could tell of Steve’s inexperience, but he quickly put his hand on my cheek and deepened the kiss. I felt like I was floating on clouds and I never wanted it to end. We finally pulled away and smiled at each other. “I should have done that a long time ago,” I whispered.

“No, I should have.” we both chuckled as we sat down and I put my head on his shoulder. I had no idea why I had been so internally resistant to this for so long. It felt like a year wasted, when I could have made this happen before. It felt all too good and I wanted it to last. “I love you, Maddi.” I froze as I thought what I heard was my imagination. I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked at him with wide eyes.

“You, what?” I stuttered with shock.

He took a deep breath and nodded his head once. “I love you. I know it sounds crazy because this is actually just our first date, but I have felt this way about you for so long and I can’t keep being afraid of what will come from this. You have been with me through the hardest months of my life, and I am most comfortable when I’m around you. But you also make my heart race and I feel giddy around you because you’re beautiful, intelligent, confident, caring, and the most strong willed person I know. And I love you, I honestly feel like I have always loved you and I realize now that I may have gotten too confident in this whole ordeal because I probably just scared you away.” He was rubbing the back of his neck nervously after admitting everything he felt to me and I just continued to stare at him. I finally snapped out of my trance and spoke.

“Steve, you’re my best friend and I was always so scared of messing that up too. I never wanted to cause more opportunity to hurt you, so I kept my love for you hidden as well.” He looked at me in as much shock as I looked at him before and I smiled. “I love you, and I am so glad I finally get to say that.”

“I knew I wanted you to know of my feelings, but I never knew you would feel the same,” He said.

“Of course I do. You have been there for me just as much as I have for you, and you make me feel more special than anyone ever has. I know I said I loved John, but that wasn’t love compared to what I feel when I’m with you.” He smiled and quickly kissed me again. He wasn’t at all forceful, which I had experienced before and found very unpleasant, but he was passionate and I could feel the love he held in our kiss. I had never felt that before. 

“I just want to make sure,” he began after we stopped kissing. “You are okay with how I look, how I’m not always the healthiest person, or how I worry can’t always protect you like I should?” I shook my head in disbelief. He still had every past date stuck in his mind.

“First, I do care how you look.” He seemed confused and slightly scared. “I think you are incredibly handsome with your kind blue eyes and nice blond hair. You may not be as tall as most guys but I’m only about an inch taller than you and I don’t have any problems with that. When it comes to your health, I have absolutely no problem helping you with whatever you need. Because I love you, I don’t want you to ever feel like you cannot rely on me.” I took his hand as I looked into his eyes and made sure he knew the truth. “Now about you protecting me, I know you have a hard time standing down from justice, but there is know need for it sometimes. I appreciate every time you have stood up for me in the past, and I don’t expect any more than that. I want you to be safe, just as much as you want me to be safe-”

“But that’s the thing, Maddi. If I wasn’t the way I am, you wouldn’t have to worry about me.” 

“I don’t worry about you. I know you can hold your own, you’re Steve Rogers. I also know you are wonderful the way you are. I care that you are attractive, but I do not care that you are not typical to every other guy in Brooklyn. You don’t care that I’m not like every other girl right? I don’t talk like a fancy girl, and I haven’t chased after the richest boy I can find. I hold my own just as you do; I am looking toward the future where the two of us leave behind the rest of the world’s standards.” He didn’t say anything and I sighed. “Hey, I know it’s not as easy as saying it. I sure find myself wishing I was ‘normal.’ But just know that I love every part of you, no matter how you might view that part yourself.”

He squeezed my hand and looked back at me. “And I love every part of you, even the parts you might not like.” I smiled at him again and blushed. “Just so you know, I have always loved that accent I know you still get insecure about.” 

“Well dang it, maybe I shouldn’t try to get rid of it like I always wanted to.” I never actually tried to lose the accent because as much as I hated it when I was younger, I sometimes felt like it was my only connection back to home. I recently felt a bit more worried about it once again since some of the more fancy men in my classes would snicker at it as they thought it made me sound less intelligent than I clearly was. 

“Please don’t,” he laughed with me at my remark. We eventually calmed down from our laughter and I looked back out to the park.

“I don’t deserve you, Steven Rogers.” I said still holding his hand and in awe of how wonderful he was.

“I would have to disagree because it is I who don’t deserve you, Madeline Bennett.” I looked at him and scrunched my nose. I felt more than happy sitting with him, I felt safe and calm and right. It all just felt right.

 


	19. Chapter 19

January 8, 1937

Steve and I held hands as we walked to meet Alice and Bucky for lunch.They saw us as they waited for us outside and Alice shrieked. “No way am I seeing what I’m seeing right now!” Steve and I chuckled as Bucky grinned at us.

 

“Yes Alice,” I said as I held up mine and Steve’s hand. “We went on our first date last week.” 

 

“Congratulations you two, it took you long enough,” Bucky said.

 

“Come on, let’s go get a table.” Steve shook his head as he led us inside still smiling. He held the door open for me and pulled out my chair. I blushed as I sat down, still loving the relationship part of Steve. 

 

“So how did this happen? I thought this was a lunch for friends or else I would have brought my fiance along and told Bucky to bring a girl,” Alice asked and we all laughed. 

 

“It was pretty simple really, he asked me out and the date went more than well. So it just kinda works.” I told them.

 

“Well we both knew this was only a matter of time,” she replied. We had a nice lunch and talked about different things going on in our lives.

 

“Steve actually has some wonderful news,” I told them.

 

“Uh yeah, I’m entering this art contest. Winner gets this scholarship to an art school I applied to.” 

 

“That’s great, pal.” Bucky smiled at us and I smiled back. I was proud of Steve because he was hesitant at first to enter and apply to art school, but he took the leap of faith.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


February 21, 1937

 

“I am so happy for you Steve!” I kissed him and could not stop smiling. He won the contest with a black and white portrait of me sitting on our bench. I always loved the detail he put in his drawings because his vision wasn’t all that great, but he always knew how to get past that and draw what he could and the rest what he could imagine. It was beautiful. “We have to frame this and put it on a wall in our apartment. I guess it’s a little weird of having a drawing of me up, but it’s by you so I love it.”

 

“You just said our apartment,” He said as we walked home with the portrait in hand. 

 

“Oh well, yes I guess I did. I mean, we’ve both lived there for a long time now.”

 

“Yeah but you’ve always referred to it as mine, not yours or ours.” He replied with a smile. “It sounds nice that you feel at home there now.” I realized what he meant and smiled back. It was a little strange we were sharing an apartment while dating. We didn’t share a bed or anything, but we got a few strange looks from neighbors who noticed our recent change in relationship. We just knew to ignore them because it was really none of their business. 

 

“We should go out to celebrate!” I said excitedly. “We can go dancing, oh I haven’t been in such a long time.” 

 

“I don’t know, Maddi. I’ve never gone dancing before.” I took his hand and stopped us walking. 

 

“It’s okay Steve, I consider myself an excellent dancer and I would love to be your teacher.” He thought about it and still looked hesitant until he nodded and agreed. I jumped with joy as we got home to change and head back out to have a night of fun just the two of us. We went to this place down the street that plays a variety of lively and slow music. I knew not to get too crazy at first and just had us sit down and got us some water to drink. “Hey, there’s no need to be nervous,” I said as I saw how he fidgeted with his hands. 

 

“I know you’ve been dancing before, but women aren’t really lining up to dance with a guy they might step on.” 

 

“Oh please, any woman who turned you down doesn’t know what they’re missing. Come on, it’ll be fun and I promise nobody will be stepping on anybody.” We got up and went to the dance floor. I put my hand in his and my other on his shoulder while he hesitantly put his on my waist. I smiled at him in reassurance and we began stepping to the music. The live band was playing and singing  _ The Way You Look Tonight _ , so it wasn’t a very fast song. This made it a little easier to get Steve comfortable, and so we kept it simple for a while. I was humming along to the music and it felt so right that this was our first dance song. Towards the end, I could hear Steve slightly singing along to the music. “I didn’t know you sing,” I marveled at his actions.

 

“Well the words just fit so true to how I feel about you. I’ve never sung in front of anyone ever before.”

 

“You have a very nice voice, Steve.” I quietly sung along with him as we kept dancing. He wasn’t a terrible dancer like he tried to make me believe he would be. He stumbled a bit here and there, but I felt very comfortable with him and I hope he felt the same with me. After the song was over, the band picked up the pace and Steve looked worried. “It’ll be okay, just feel the music.” I told him and we danced along. He even twirled me a couple times when he began to get into it more. It was a beautiful night and I knew I wouldn’t ever want to dance with anyone else.

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


March 24, 1937

 

“Now we both get to pursue our dreams next year!” Steve was going to art school starting in the fall and he was able to bring it down to free. He had no further excuses to not attend. We were celebrating at our apartment with Bucky. I made us dinner and put the radio on. It was nice spending time as the three of us. We were best friends and with our jobs and my school, this didn’t get to happen as often as I wish it would. Bucky brought a bottle of alcohol he got from someone at work. He poured a drink for all of us but I quickly declined mine. “I just can’t drink. Not after I’ve seen it’s affects.” It caused both of them to hesitate in their drinks but I didn’t want to ruin it for them. “Don’t worry about it guys, you have fun. I won’t think any less of you, I know you guys can drink responsibly. I just personally don’t want to have any.” Frankly, the sight and smell of it made me a little sick, but I wasn’t going to tell them that.

 

Bucky drank a few glasses, but Steve limited himself to one. It was probably best for his size, neither of them wanted to get so drunk they would get sick themselves. We laughed and ate food and I sung a little to myself as we were all happy together. Things were in a great direction for all of us, and we had our whole lives ahead to be silly and adventurous. Sometimes I wish we had the money to travel, but I also felt very content being there in Brooklyn with my two favorite boys. 

 

* * *

  
  
  


June 25, 1937

 

I woke up and Steve had breakfast waiting for me. “Happy Birthday!” He said as he walked over and gave me a kiss. I smiled and thanked him for the kind gesture. The food was very good and he told me that him and Bucky had a surprise for me. Alice was on her honeymoon with David. They had a beautiful wedding and were taking a trip upstate to spend time at David’s family summer home. They seemed very happy together, and I was glad to be a part of their wedding.

 

Almost on time, Bucky came into our apartment with a grin on his face  wishing me happy birthday. They were clearly giddy about whatever surprise they had planned for me. I was smiling with equal excitement. “So what’s the plan?” I asked with anticipation. Bucky pulled out behind him an envelope with my name written on top.

 

“It’s from both of us,” He said. “Sorry we couldn’t get two gifts, but we’ve been saving up because we figured you would really like what’s inside.” I gave them a funny look due to his mention on expense. I hoped they didn’t spend too much on me, but I opened it greatful anyway. The card was pretty on the outside and I opened it to find two train tickets to Nashville, Tennessee. I looked up at them confused and Bucky clarified, “It’s to see your family. It’s not fair they are buried there and you can never see them. So Steve had the idea to get you a ticket to go and visit. We wanted to get three, but really could only afford two that long distance so I say Steve can take ya. Obviously you would rather have your punk boyfriend there than me,” I just stared at both of them is so much awe. 

 

“This was your idea?” I asked Steve and he nodded his head. “You are just darn too good to me! Thank you, both of you, thank you so much!” I hadn’t visited their graves since they died five years before. I gave him a huge hug and kissed him short and sweetly. I then turned to Bucky and gave him a hug too. “Why do you guys always go so above and beyond with giving me stuff? I can’t compete and it’s too much sometimes,” I said this but I had a smile anyway.

 

“Nonsense, you always give us the best gifts,” Bucky said.

 

“And just being with you is a gift Maddi,” Steve added. Bucky rolled his eyes and groaned but I blushed regardless. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


July 14, 1937

 

We took the train ride to Nashville and arrived to take the bus to my hometown of Franklin. I was pretty nervous, which seemed ridiculous because my family was dead, but I guess I just wanted it to go really well. Between not being there since I was 14, and having Steve come with, it was nerve wracking. We stopped by the cemetery and it took a lot in me to get off the bus but also keep from running to exactly where I remembered them. I chose to walk slowly next to Steve. He slipped his hand in mine and I looked at him suddenly feeling more grounded and calm. We made our way to my parents and my brother. It was a very beautiful cemetery with flowers growing and it looked well kept by the city. We found where they were buried and I couldn’t keep from crying any longer. I was feeling a mix of sadness and joy as I saw their tombstones. Steve gave me a few moments of silence and he then asked if he wanted me to leave. 

 

“No!” I replied quickly. “Don’t leave, please.” He just nodded his head. I placed a picture taken of Steve, Bucky, Alice and me next to my mama’s tombstone. “These are my friends, I promise I am doing well in New York. I am attending college, and I have a job, and I am dating Steve here.” I spoke as if I were standing with all three of them. “He’s such a nice man, he brought me here to ya’ll. I really think you would like him, he is the best man I’ve ever dated. Treats me real well,” I looked to him with a smile and he cleared his throat.

 

“Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Bennett, Alex. It’s really nice to be here with Maddi, and I wanted you to know that I will always treat her more than well for as long as she’ll want to be with me. I hope you approve of me dating your daughter, your sister.” I let a few more silent tears fall down my face from his words.

 

“I think they approve,” I whispered to him and he squeezed my hand. He took out a folded piece of paper.

 

“I drew this picture of Maddi a few years ago. I figured it would be best here with all of you.” He set the drawing of me reading in the park. It was a very pretty black and white, simple drawing. He placed it by my father’s stone. “She’s a very intelligent woman, and you would be proud of all the things she’s done.” We stood there a bit longer until I finally had the courage to be there by myself for a few minutes. Steve told me he would go get us a table at a diner down the street and wait there until I was ready. I continued to tell them about my last 5 years in Brooklyn because I just wanted to feel like they knew everything about my life. 

 

“I know it’s crazy to say this now. I mean maybe not because you two got married after knowing each other for only seven months, but I just have this feeling with Steve. If he were to ask to marry me, I think I would say yes. It scares me, and I haven’t told that to anyone yet, but I think it might be true. I don’t know how long it will be again until I see you, so I just want you to know that I think one day I’m going to marry that sweet dork you just met. Maybe it won’t even happen within the next couple years, but I want it to happen. Honestly, I would be happy waiting those years. We still probably need time to mature, maybe get real jobs? I should finish school, being in New York has given me this opportunity to be a little independent first before thinking about marriage. I feel guilty a lot when I think about the good things New York has brought me like Steve because I only moved there because all three of you had died. I hope you can forgive me for that because I still love and miss you everyday. Please place a blessing over Steve and I, I would feel so much more secure knowing you three liked him.” I felt like I was having this conversation with them and I could tell them the truth about everything I was feeling. My brain was all over the place, but I felt a little at peace with them and I eventually told them I loved them so much and that I promised to visit some time again in the future. Maybe even with children of my own one day. I met Steve at the diner after.

 

“This town is so small and cute,” he said as we at our food. 

 

“Yes well there are only a couple thousand people living here. Brooklyn alone as a couple million. I didn’t live in town, but out on our farm. The State took it and divided it among people here because my name wasn’t in the ownership.”

 

“I love how your farm girl side comes out sometimes.” I laughed at his words.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well you can certainly hold your own in whatever you do, and you mean business when you get into any form of work given to you. You’ve also never been afraid to get a little dirty or have fun, some city girls have trouble with that.” 

 

“I say if you’re not going to have a little fun in life, then what’s the point?”

 

“I agree.” He smiled and we continued our meal. The trip was the best gift I could have asked for, and I was constantly thanking him for it but he just kept telling me it was nothing. 


	20. Chapter 20

April 24, 1938

 

Steve and I had been going to school for about eight months and it was hard to manage everything, but it still worked. We still had time for the two of us and for Bucky as well. Alice and David were actually planning to move upstate as he was finishing school. They had their first baby and it was a girl. They named her Marla and I had been able to hold her a couple of times since she was just born two weeks before. I was going to miss Alice when she moved, but I was happy for her. I had felt like I wanted to go into marriage myself with Steve last summer, but I realized with school starting that we didn’t have the ability to start a family any time soon. I was happy just dating him, so I was glad I never told him about how I felt in July. We had fun going to films like  _ Snow White _ together and goofing around with Bucky. I was glad Alice was ready, but I still felt like a kid sometimes, even as an almost twenty year old. I had no idea how my ma and so many other women married so young. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


August 2, 1938 (STEVE’S POV)

 

I felt like such a failure. I didn’t have enough money to help Maddi with her schooling this year. Bucky had to help with his family as his mother was getting sick, and Alice had moved away and started her own life. It was up to Maddi and me, but we didn’t work enough or save enough the previous year to afford another school year for her. Of course I still got to go to school because it was free for one more year. I wish I could just give it to her instead of keep it to myself but it didn’t work that way. “Maddi, I’m so sorry. I should be able to provide for you, and I can’t.”

 

“Steve, please don’t worry about it any longer. I’ll start working more hours and we’ll save and maybe next year I can go back. You don’t have to put this on yourself, you’re my boyfriend, I can’t ask so much of you.” She put her hand on my cheek and I hated how she was ignoring her pain to comfort me. I wanted to marry her, I had wanted to marry her for so long. I was happy with where we were, but I wanted us to be a real family. I thought about asking her in the coming months, but this made me realize I shouldn’t. I may be her boyfriend right now, but if I were her husband, then it would definitely be my fault she couldn’t go to school. 

 

“I’ll quite art school so I can work more and save with you,” I offered.

 

“Absolutely not. You have free classes given to you, so do not throw that away. I promise we’ll make this work. I’m sad this happened, but It’s the way it is. We only have the two of us, so it shouldn’t be too hard to minimize for the time being.” I nodded my head. I wrapped my arms around her and she put her head on my shoulder. I wanted to stop making her feel like she should make me feel better. It was selfish of me and I really just needed to hold her and be there for her as she was clearly sad she only go two years of schooling before she had to stop. “Really Steve, I don’t want you to worry. Remember the doctor would say stress will make your stomach ulcers come back.” I had ulcers from time to time. It hadn’t been bad for a couple years now, but I didn’t want that pain anymore. 

 

“You’re right,” I said as I ran my hand through her hair. “We can make this work.” I loved holding her because it made me feel a little bigger sometimes. Maddi had this special ability of never making me feel small, and it was one of the reasons I loved her.

 

“I love you, Steve.” I heard her say.

 

“I love you too, Maddi. So much.” I continued to run my hands through her hair in a comforting manner. I was going to do whatever I could to make her feel better and to make sure she didn’t feel like this in the future. 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


December 10, 1938 (STEVE’S POV)

 

Maddi had been spending most of her time working and we saved every bit of money we could. We didn’t go out to films or diners for dates but stayed in the apartment or went to the park instead. We still went out dancing, but we just didn’t spend money at the places we went to. Maddi really got me into dancing, and I was glad she was my partner. I felt comfortable with her, and I wouldn’t consider myself anywhere near as good of a dancer as she was, but I wasn’t terrible anymore. I knew though that if I had to dance with anyone else, I would fall on my face. She gave me the confidence I needed. She spent her spare time looking for outside money to apply for tuition. She also worked with the school to get back into the program the next year. It was looking good that she would be able to go back when planned. We were making our dinner together for the night as we listened to music on our radio when  _ The Way You Look Tonight _ began to play.

 

“Oh Steve, it’s our first dance song!” She said as she heard what was playing. She dropped what she was holding on the counter and grabbed my hand. “Dance with me to it again.” I couldn’t possibly say no even if I wanted to. She was so excited this song came on and I was a little excited as well.

 

“So this is officially our song now, Mads?” I asked her as I twirled her around to the music.

 

“Yes, I love the idea of us having a song.  _ Never, never change, keep that breathless charm _ ” She now sang along to me as I did for her those many months before when we were out dancing. “ _ Won’t you please arrange it? ‘Cause I love you just the way you look tonight. _ ” I thought about how much I believed in those word when it came to how I felt about Maddi, and I liked to think she felt just the same with me. It was so hard for me not to feed into my insecurities, but when she sang those word, I had no doubt of the love Maddi felt for me. She loved me and my flaws. I sang along with her because I knew it would make her happy. It was a rare occurrence for me to sing, but like dancing, I only did it with her. As the song came to an end, we just looked at each other with content in our eyes. She leaned in to kiss me and I returned it. The kiss was short and simple, but it was full of every bit of love we felt for each other. We went back to cooking our meal, and I loved how casually yet passionately we felt for each other. It was the perfect balance, and it was a feeling I never wanted to stop.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


December 15, 1938

 

“Steve, I admire your drive to fight for others, but maybe your nose needs a break?” Bucky brought Steve home with a broken nose because he had been hit a few times but a guy at the store. According to Steve, he was harassing an older man and Steve had stood up to him. The guy took Steve out back and did enough damage to break his nose before Bucky had shown up after he couldn’t find him in the store. 

 

“I know, I just can’t help but say something though.” It wasn’t the first time he had gotten himself hurt because he stood up to someone. 

 

“I’m a saint for dealing with this chivalrous nature of yours,” I tease him. 

 

“It’s not chivalry,” he said but more serious. 

 

“I know,” I stopped teasing. “And as much as I hate seeing you get hurt, I am proud that you have such a strong moral and kind heart.” 

 

“Geeze Bennett, stop being so sappy around me. I know you two are in love and all, but Steve is just a punk who gets into too many fights.” Bucky cringed at our conversation and I laughed. 

 

“Alright Barnes, I don’t remember inviting you into this conversation” I went back to a more teasing nature. These two men were my best friends and I loved when we all spent time together. 

 

“Yeah, let my girlfriend be as sappy as she wants,” Steve defended me. 

 

“Now don’t you go getting in a fight with Bucky here over me” Steve chuckled at my comment and I giggled along. I really did get anxious with how Steve wound up in fights with guys bigger than him, but I had to trust that he could handle himself, or pray that Bucky or I would be there when he couldn’t. 


	21. Chapter 21

March 3, 1939

 

Steve and I were walking out the cemetery after visiting my Aunt. We went every year on the anniversary of her death and this year was no different. Only as we were leaving, I bumped into someone unexpected. “Maddi, is that you? Oh look at how much you’ve grown,” He said as he saw me and I tensed beyond belief as Steve wrapped his arm around me.

 

“Ryan,” was all I could respond with as I was starting to shake. He didn’t look drunk, he actually looked much cleaner than he did all those years ago when I last saw him. 

 

“I’m glad to see you are doing well,” he said to me.

 

“Maddi, let’s go home,” Steve also said as he could tell I was feeling very out of place. 

 

“Madeline, wait!” He said as we began to walk away. “I’m better now. Come back to live with me, it’s what your Aunt Lily would have wanted. You should be living with family, not a boy out of wedlock.” This allowed me to find my voice.

 

“Aunt Lily would have wanted you to never hurt me, or spend all our money, or say such cruel things to me. I don’t know how or why you are doing better now, however I wish you the best, but I can’t go with you. It’s been four years, I have a new life now.”

 

“No, Madeline I need you to come home. I got a house, but I don’t have a job right now. I haven’t been drinking in a week, I promise.”

 

“No, how can you expect me to go back home and provide for you again after everything? If you want to get your life together, then I’m happy for you, but I can’t let you be a part of my life anymore. Goodbye Ryan, do not try to see me again.” Steve and I began to walk away with his arm still around my waist and we remained silent. He didn’t follow us, which I was glad. It was such a strange encounter, why would he pretend to be doing better? He hated me, yet he wanted me back. I hated to have such thoughts, but I was surprised he was still alive after how he ruined his life before. I tried to stop thinking about it so much, but it just kept coming back into my mind. 

 

“You alright?” Steve asked me later as we sat at home. 

 

“Yeah, I‘m actually kinda glad I saw him today. It sounds crazy but it was kinda closure? I got to finally tell him no and I can never think about it again,” I told him. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. 

 

“It doesn’t sound crazy, it’s healthy I think.” I smiled at him and put my free hand on his cheek.

 

“Thank you for everything you do for me Steve, I wouldn’t know what I would do without you.” 

 

“”Well my life would be pretty awful without you in it, so it’s really I who should thank you.” He brought the hand he was holding to his lips and kissed it. He still made me blush with his actions. “I love you”

 

“I love you,” I responded.

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


July 20, 1939

 

Steve was feeling particularly fatigued so I told him I would go shopping for groceries alone in the afternoon instead since he usually accompanied me to help. “Don’t even worry about it, you get some rest.” I told him. As I was walking out of the apartment, Bucky was walking my way. “Hey, I’m glad you’re here. Come with me to the store and help me buy our food.” I said as he got closer.

 

“Aw come on, Maddi. Isn’t that Steve’s job?” 

 

“He’s not feeling well at all today, so I really need your help carrying stuff home. It’ll be fun, we don’t get to hang out enough.” So the two of us walked down and picked out different food from a list I made and it wasn’t to hard bringing stuff home since Bucky was their to carry most of it. As we entered the house we were talking about how I enrolled again into school for the fall since we had been efficiently saving for the past year. 

 

“I’m back Steve, I brought Bucky along with,” I called to the bedroom as we put our bags of food on the kitchen counter. He didn’t reply and I said to Bucky “He’s probably sleeping.” Except right after that, we both heard a crash coming from his bedroom and my eyes widened in panic. I ran over with Bucky a few short steps behind me. “Steve?!” I called and I pushed the door open to see him on the floor with a dresser knocked over and the lamp broken next to him. He was breathing hard and his face showed so much pain across, he couldn’t even speak. “Steve, honey, can you hear me?” I asked as I frantically put my hands on his face. He didn’t reply. “Bucky, we need to get him to the hospital.” He nodded his head and went to pick him up. Steve whimpered as Bucky moved him and I was shaking in fear.

 

“I know buddy, it hurts. We’re gonna get you better again,” Bucky told him. I held the door open as Bucky swiftly walked through and I kept up with him as we took Steve about 5 blocks down to the nearest hospital as quickly as possible.

 

“We need help here, please!” I said as we walked in and a doctor came over. A couple nurses brought a bed to roll him over to a room. As Bucky put him down, I tried to tell them what was wrong. “He was feeling very tired today and I he collapsed in his room when I was in the kitchen. H-he has a number o-of health issues.” 

 

“Can you remember them all, Miss? They’ll help the doctor figure out what to do.” A nurse asked me. 

 

“He has scoliosis, but it-it isn’t that bad. He also has asthma, angina, and heart problems like heart p-palpitations, high blood pressure, and arrhythmia. H-he gets stomach ulcers but hasn’t had any in awhile.” I told her everything I could think of off the top of my head. 

 

“Medications?” She asked. 

 

“Yes, he takes pills everyday b-but I don’t know entirely what each one is for. I think the arrhythmia. Sometimes for pain, I know he tries mostly to deal with it on his own.” I was scared about how much they could help him. He often went months without anything going wrong. Sure he would get tired easily, but he never had anything this bad before. 

 

“Thank you, you can wait in our room our front until we have news for you.” And with that she left me standing their helpless next to Bucky. 

 

“Come on Maddi, lets go sit down.” He had to guide me away because I was so out of it from worry. I didn’t say anything as we waited for any kind of news. I only thought about how almost every time I was in a hospital, I lost someone. 

 

“Family of Steven Rogers?” said as he entered the waiting room, there were a few other families here.

 

“That’s us,” Bucky said as we stood up to listen.

 

“He’s gonna be fine. Chest pains and his heartbeat was very irregular, but it should be much better with the medicine we gave him. He told us he ran out a while ago and never got more, so that’s what made his condition worse.”

 

“Excuse me, what? He wasn’t taking his medicine?”

 

“Yes, after he was well enough to talk, he told us he didn’t want to spend money on it, but I assure you it’s too important to leave out of his daily routine. Arrhythmia is what is making his other symptoms worse, and the irregularity of his heartbeat will cause problems with his overall health. You’re his wife?” I was stunned with confusion as to why he would put himself at risk to save money and not pay for more medicine. 

 

“Um, no. I-I’m his girlfriend.” 

 

“Brother?” he asked Bucky.

 

“Best friend,” Bucky replied.

 

“Then I’m going to have to ask you to come back tomorrow. We want to keep him here to watch his condition but he should be fine to go home tomorrow evening.”

 

“Why can’t we go in now?” I asked upset that he wouldn’t let me see Steve.

 

“It’s after visiting hours, only family right now can see him, but you aren’t family. You’ll have to come back between 9am and 5pm tomorrow.” 

 

“But we are his family, I want to see him right now, I want to see he’s okay,” I said getting frustrated.

 

“Miss, this isn’t up for negotiation. You two are not his legal family so you need to come back later. He’ll be just fine until then.”

 

“No, I want to see him now. He couldn’t even speak from pain when I last saw him, I need to be with him.” 

 

“There’s no way she can just go back for a minute and check?” Bucky asked trying to keep the situation calm.

 

“No, I would allow it for a few minutes if they were married, but they aren’t so you both have to go home and come back tomorrow.” I was shaking from anger now.

 

“I thought he was dying, I want to see him right now! We’re his only family, he’s my family, just let me see him!” I had tears on my face as I was hysterically demanding to see Steve.

 

“Maddi, we gotta go home, we’ll come back as soon as we can,” Bucky tried to steer me to the door by putting an arm around my shoulder. 

 

“Stop telling me no, I need to know he’s okay.” I shrugged his arm off. 

 

“Sir, you need to get her out of here or we’ll have to get someone else to force her out.” I was making a scene but I didn’t care.

 

“Yeah, I got it.” Bucky said annoyed at the doctor. “Listen Maddi, I want to go in there just as much as you do, but we can’t. Now I’ll walk you home and first thing tomorrow, we can walk here together and see him.” I was breathing hard and thinking about what he said.

 

“What if he wants to see us? He wouldn’t want to be alone after what happen.” 

 

“Steve’s tough, he’ll be fine. And I think he would want me to make sure you were safe and not forced out of here.” Bucky replied. I nodded my head as more tears fell and it too so much of me not to want to run past everyone and find him myself but I wouldn’t even know where to look. Buck started leading me home and I was quiet yet again until we got inside.

 

“Why would he stop taking his medicine?” I asked outloud to myself and Bucky.

 

“I don’t know, Mads. Maybe he didn’t want to spend the money so he could help pay for your school.” I looked horrified at what he said. “But it’s not your fault, he’s just love crazy.” Bucky said as he knew I was going to blame myself. I still did anyway. After a while he left the house and I felt so alone. The place was too quiet; we always had conversations going or the radio on. I was in no mood to put on music and sing along, so I just let it stay quiet as I got ready for bed. I layed in bed but did no sleeping. I could just feel the emptiness of the apartment, so I couldn’t fall asleep. I felt on edge, and I was worried that Steve was in pain or couldn’t sleep either. After a few hours of tossing and turning, I went into his room to see the bed not made because he had just been sleeping before he collapsed. I told myself I shouldn’t be in his room while he wasn’t home, but I couldn’t help it. I started with making his bed just to have something to do, but his sheets smelled like him and it comforted me ever so slightly. I hesitantly crawled in and felt more relaxed as if he were there with me. My mother would have been going crazy if she knew I was in another boy’s bed, she was very strict when I was just a child but I knew that she would have been that way when I was an adult too. I was going to leave but I finally felt relaxed enough that I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until the morning.


	22. Chapter 22

July 21, 1939    (STEVE’S POV)

Maddi came rushing in just after I had woken up. “Steve, how are you doing?” She asked me as she kissed me goodmorning on the cheek. Bucky had walked in after her. 

“Much better, I had a pretty uneventful night, but I did miss you.”

“We tried to come back here last night but the wouldn’t let us see you until this morning,” she replied. 

“We’re glad to see you doing better, pal. You gave us quite a scare yesterday,” Bucky said as Maddi pulled up a chair next to me and held my hand. I felt so guilty inside for making them go through that.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” I tried to laugh it off. “Thanks for getting me here in time. I’m really glad you were there,” I told him. Maddi had a frown on her face as she didn’t say anything and Bucky and I both noticed it.

“I’ll give you two some time,” He said as he left the room.

“Why weren’t you taking all your medicine?” She asked me and I sighed.

“I ran out a little while ago and I didn’t want to have to spend more money on it.” 

“Steve, we have the money for it. It’s your life, I don’t think anything is more important to spending money on than that. I never seen you so sick before, I was terrified.” She had a few tears down her face and I felt terrible for making her feel like this.

“I was just worried that if I spent too much on me, then I wouldn’t have enough to help you with your schooling money.” 

“I don’t need to go to school, I need you to be as healthy as you can be so that this doesn’t happen again.” 

“Maddi, I’m never going to truly be healthy. And I know I messed up with this, but I need you to understand that there will always be medicine, and there will always be days where I can’t get out of bed because I am so exhausted, and there will always be something that makes me unable to really provide for you.” 

“Steve I don’t care about any of that. Do you love me?”

“Of course I do, I love you with my whole heart.”

“And I love you with all of mine. I don’t need you to provide for me or be in perfect health, I just need you to be okay. I can’t lose you, Steve. You need to do everything in your power to make sure I don’t, which means buying the medicine you need. We’ll keep saving, I’ll go back to school eventually. Right now, it’s not about that.” I nodded and she leaned towards me and kissed me and I kissed her back. She squeezed my hand as we did so, and I was glad to have her there. “I hope you won’t be mad, but I slept in your bed last night,” she said as we pulled away. “I didn’t mean to, I just went in to make your bed and I fell asleep.”

I smiled and shook my head. “Of course I don’t mind.” She nodded her head in response and blushed slightly. “Doctor said I can go home tonight, I’m doing better.”

“I’m glad, but I still want you to take it easy this week, just in case.” I could tell she was worried, so I wasn’t going to argue. We talked for a bit more until she decided to go get me some food and call Bucky. A little after she left, Buck was in the room.

“You’re an idiot,” He said immediately as he walked into the room.

“Oh thanks,” I responded.

“I mean I’m glad you’re better, but you’re still an idiot. Doctor told us why you were close to dying yesterday. And then you got Maddi believing it was her fault.”

“She doesn’t really think its her fault, does she?” She never mentioned that.

“You were doing it for her schooling, I knew that for sure.”

I sighed in frustration. “I’m not good for her. She needs someone who she won’t have to be constantly worried about.”

“Of course, you’re a bigger punk than I thought. That’s a bad idea, Steve. You spend years wishing you had someone who likes you for you and everything that comes with you. Maddi does, she loves you and now you want to push her away?”

“I don’t want to, but if it would make her live a happier and easier life. If she had someone like Alice does maybe, someone who can marry her and get her a big house and isn’t sick everyday or getting beat up.” 

“Maddi loves you; she could have anyone she wanted and she chooses you. So don’t screw it up, because it wouldn’t be from your health or your money but because you pushed her away ‘for her own good’” I stayed silent after that and soon Maddi was back in the room. 

“I brought something for all of us,” she said as she put the food next to my bed with a smile. Bucky continued to eye me as to tell me how stupid I was being. We conversed with each other like everything was normal, and I was grateful for what I had with them.

 

* * *

 

September 10, 1939

Steve and I were sitting in our apartment last week listening to the radio when we heard Germany invaded Poland. We shocked at the implications this might have, and it was scary to think of what was to come. The Great War had ended we were babies, so we never had to live through something like that. We only prayed it wouldn’t get as terrible as that one. We knew the US would not declare war, we were too hurt form the last one and still recovering from how terrible the economy had been the past decade. 

“So I had talked to the school, and I will be able to start in the spring instead of the fall this year. I won’t even be too behind, I should be able to finish two years after if I stay in full time.” I told Steve because I knew he had been continuously beating himself up over using our money on his medical expenses. 

“I’m glad, Maddi. I promise to stay healthy this time,” he said.

“Do not even worry about that. If we need to spend money elsewhere, then we will. It’s okay really. In fact, lets go do something now that your feeling better from before.” He had spent most of his time at home, working whenever he was feeling good enough to. 

“Maddi,” he started to argue but I stopped him.

“I found some extra money behind my bed, we can use that to go see a film. We deserve it! Let’s go see the Wizard of Oz, I heard it’s absolutely beautiful!” He gave in and we went together to see the movie and I was amazed at all the wonderful colors put into it. It truly was a magnificent film. Later that night I was humming the main song but couldn’t remember any of the words. Steve smiled at me as I sang nonsense to the tune and he tried to help me remember more of it. It was a nice day, and I wished it would last forever.

 

* * *

 

February 25, 1940

“I cannot keep arguing about this with you, Steve. It’s the same exact fight every time. Quite caring about money, about ‘providing for me,’ about any of that!”

“Maddi, you know I can’t. I want you to have the best life possible and I just can’t give it to you.”

“But I don’t care about those things. I just care that you love me and I love you and we take care of each other the best we can but that doesn’t have to be some perfect version living in a big fancy house in a boring neighborhood living ‘normal’ lives! This is our life, and I like our life.”

“You talk about Alice sometimes like you wish you had her life!”

“That’s not true! She is happy and married with a two children upstate, but I don’t need that! That is her life, and this is mine. I love our small apartment in the middle of the city, I love going to school, and I can’t do that with a child. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Steve, but we don’t need to rush into it.”

“Rush? We’ve been together for three years now, most people together that long are married.”

“We aren’t like most people! Besides, isn’t it your job to ask me?”

“You don’t want to get married, that’s why I haven’t asked!”

“Neither do you! You go on and on about how you aren’t good enough for me, and I can’t believe that. You’re an amazing person; you’re kind and smart and funny and handsome and I love you, every bit of you. So when I say we don’t need to get married yet, it’s because I love where we are right now and I feel happy to be 21 and living with a wonderful man. I just wish you felt the same.” Steve and I fought once again over the same exhausting topics but with marriage thrown into it. 

“I do, Maddi. I love everything about you and I don’t want to lose you.” I couldn’t keep walking in circles so I grabbed my bag to head outside. 

“I’m glad, but you won’t lose me over money. I need some air, we can talk later.” As I walked towards the door, he lightly grabbed my wrist. 

“Wait Maddi,” he said and I stopped dead in my tracks. It sounded and felt crazy, especially since it had been years, but nobody had grabbed my wrist since then. And I knew Steve had no malice behind it, I could barely even feel his hand, but those fingers around my wrist felt paralyzing. I turned around and looked at it in horror and felt myself shake. Steve looked confused and then immediately realized why I looked so scared. He let go as if I burned him and quickly sprung into action, forgetting everything we just fought about. “Maddi, I’m so sorry! I didn’t even think about it, I never would hurt you, but I know that you don’t like being grabbed by your wrists and I wasn’t thinking. You’re okay, Maddi, I’m really sorry.” He hesitated to physically comfort me as he didn’t know if that would make it better or worse. I made no attempts to touch him, so he probably figured it was best not to try and touch me yet. 

“No, it’s - it’s fine - I’m fine,” I tried to brush it off like it didn’t affect me as much as it did because I hated that it did. I hated that my experiences with two terrible men still affected me, and I hated that I would ever feel this way with an action done by Steve when I knew he would never hurt me. It was stupid, I hadn’t been hurt by them in years and I felt like I had moved on.

“Maddi,” He tried to continue to make sure I was really alright, but I didn’t want to even been in the same room as him. It had nothing to do with our fight or even him anymore, it had everything to do with how I realized my stupid past wasn’t truly behind me like I thought it was. I just shook my head, quickly left the apartment, and went on a walk alone. I was glad Steve didn’t try to follow me. 

 

* * *

 

February 25, 1940 (STEVE’S POV)

I felt terrible for what I did. I forgot that she didn’t like people touching her wrists, she had told me so in the past and I was just so caught up in not wanting her to leave that I completely forgot. It only made things worse and I could tell she wasn’t really okay. I didn’t care about our fight any longer, I just cared that she was going to be alright because I couldn’t bare the thought of her being that upset because of something I did to remind her of when she was abused by that wretched man, on top of that, her first boyfriend. It had been almost a year since Ryan showed up in her life unexpectedly and demanding things of her that he shouldn’t have even tried mentioning. I wanted to just throw a punch right then at him, but I knew that would only make Maddi more upset. Now if he had tired anything physically, then I wouldn’t have held back. To think that now that I made her feel just as shook up as that meeting, it made me so angry with myself. I wanted to follow her, but I also didn’t want to make her feel worse. So I waited at home until she returned over an hour later. 

“Hi,” she said as she walked through the door. I stood up from the kitchen table immediately and and looked to make sure she wasn’t still shaking. 

“You want to sit down?” I asked as I pulled a chair out for her. She nodded and sat down while thanking me. 

“It’s not your fault,” she said immediately.

“Maddi-” 

“No, it’s not. I know you, and you’re blaming yourself for the way I reacted, but I promise it isn’t your fault.”

“But I have known how much you hate that, so I shouldn’t have even done it by accident.”

“Exactly, it was an accident. I guess I’m still just a little more broken inside than we both thought, that doesn’t make it your fault at all. I’m sorry for leaving like that, I was more mad at myself at that point than I could be at you.” 

“Well it’s not your fault either, Mads. And you’re definitely not broken, you just have terrible memories associated with it. I’m sorry for making you think about it by grabbing you like that.”

“You barely even touched me, any normal person wouldn’t have freaked out like that,” she looked down as she spoke. 

“You said earlier you don’t want to be normal,” I told her trying to cheer her up. She took my hand and I squeezed it. 

“I don’t like fighting with you,” she said as she smiled sadly at me.

“I don’t either, and I promise I won’t keep acting like I have to be this perfect person in order to be good enough for you.”

“If anything, I don’t deserve you, Steven Rogers.” she said with a wink. She had said that to me before and it always made me feel strange inside. Maybe that’s how she felt when I said things like that, it just didn’t feel true.

“Ha, we can continuously be undeserved of each other then,” I joked.

She laughed along with me and then went back to being serious about our previous conversation. “Truthfully, I can take care of myself Steve, and I know you can take care of yourself. But we take care of each other the best we can and that’s all we can ever expect from one another or ourselves.” 

“You’re right,” I agreed with her. “We expect more of ourselves than each other, and I understand how it feels.” she smiled and leaned in to kiss me. I still felt giddy whenever we kissed, even after years. “I love you,” I told her while breaking the kiss for a short second before continuing to kiss her back.

“I love you,” she replied and continued our kiss. Her lips were so soft and I ran my hand through her beautiful red curly hair. I knew I was lucky beyond belief to have her. People didn’t believe it that we were together and sometimes I didn’t either, but there we were kissing passionately in our apartment. We fought sometimes, but we loved each other no matter what.


	23. Chapter 23

March 24, 1940

 

Steve and I walked out of the Easter morning church service with my arm looped into his. We were smiling and laughing and I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Let’s visit your parents?” I asked and he nodded so we headed to the cemetery. Steve never really knew his father as he died when he was a baby, but I always could tell he admired him. He was a strong man who served in the military and gave his life for his country; Steve looked up to his courage and his honorable way of living. I said a prayer for the both of them and then we went home for a meal since we had been fasting since the night before for communion. 

 

On our way home, there was a man we passed who decided to make an inappropriate comment. “Mmmm, hey baby doll. Why don’t you ditch that loser and I can show you what a real man is like?” I tensed but I could tell Steve was also upset. I squeezed his arm and whispered to him that it wasn’t worth it. “Come on, I know you heard me. I can give you a real good time.” He had begun to follow us with his comments and that’s when Steve couldn’t ignore it.

 

“How about you leave us alone,” he said sternly.

 

“Ha, that’s cute. Step aside, boy, I wanna talk to the lady.” 

 

“Sir, you need to leave. It’s Easter, just let us go on our way now,” I tried to get him to leave us alone but I was a little nervous around him. We got plenty of sleazy men in the diner from time to time, and my manager would throw them out when they misspoke to us or touched us inappropriately. 

 

“Ooo a southern beauty. I haven’t had me one of those yet.” He got closer and tried to reach out towards me but Steve stopped him by grabbing his arm.

 

“Alright, that’s it. You need to get out of here,” Steve said, but the man yanked his arm out of his grip and sent a punch right to Steve’s face. 

 

“Steve!” I yelled as his head whipped to the side and his whole body fell on the floor. He quickly righted himself up and sent a punch back and I took a few steps away worried. He barely hit the man before another punch was thrown in the same place, this knocking Steve back down to the ground. I took two quick steps forward and threw my own fist straight to the unsuspected man. I hit him hard enough to cause my hand to hurt but also send his head back and cause his nose to bleed

  
  


. He looked ready to hit whoever hit him and he realized it was me.

 

“You gonna hit a lady?” I challenged him. By then, a small crowd had gathered and he thought better of it. 

 

“Forget it, you’re not worth the trouble,” he said with a grunt. He sent one more kick towards Steve as he had begun to get up again, but it sent him back down. The man left and I helped Steve up. 

 

“That was one nice hit you got in there, Bennett.” Steve joked and I frowned at him. He was bleeding from his nose and his eye was already looking bruised. 

 

“Good Lord, Steve. Come on, let’s go home now and I’ll fix ya up.” He nodded and we walked home together.

 

“Sorry I got you’re pretty white gloves covered in blood.” He said as we walked through our door. 

 

“Oh don’t worry about that, you crazy person.”

 

“I wasn’t gonna let him say those things about you, or touch you.” he was in no way regretting his decision to get in a fight.

 

“Of course I know that, and I’m grateful. Now, can we consider this a time when you didn’t start the fight for once?” I asked with a smirk as I carefully dabbed the blood away with a cloth.

 

“I think we should really just focus on how you ended the fight,” he smiled back. 

 

“Bucky taught me a few things just in case I ever got into trouble.”

 

“Well I am glad for that, you were great. Did you hurt your hand?” he asked and I shrugged.

 

“It’s a little sore,” I responded and he reached to take of the glove. The knuckles were a little bruised but they were fine overall. He kissed them and I blushed while smiling wide and shaking my head. “You’re a silly man,” I told him. 

 

“You’ve gotten pretty good at patching me up,” he observed as I finished cleaning him up and applying a bandage to his nose. 

 

“I had to, you get into this kinda situation too much for me not to.” 

 

“Gotta defend my girl’s honor,” he responded.

 

“And who said you can call me your girl?” I playfully ask back.

 

“I guess I didn’t even really need to defend it, huh? You did that all on your own.”

 

“I have dealt with my fair share of crude men. When my manager can’t get over to throw them out, I have learned to ignore or shut them right up.” 

 

“This kinda thing happen to you a lot at the diner?” he asked more serious.

 

“Yeah, it comes with the job I guess, but I don’t take it from anybody. I am smarter than most of the men who try anything anyway, I can get them put in their place.” 

 

“I’m glad; you shouldn’t have to deal with that. How bad does it get?” he asked me. I never really talked about it because I never wanted him to worry. Like I said, I knew how to handle it myself. 

 

“Kinda how it went today. They call me sugar or baby and try to get me to ‘treat em nice.’ Sometimes they might ask if they could give me their tip back at their place or they’ll touch me in a way that makes me very uncomfortable. Really any touching while I’m doing my job is too much touching, but it happens.” He was frowning as I spoke. 

 

“Are you sure you should keep working there?” He questioned.

 

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you worrying. My manager is better about it than a lot out there. He get the bad ones outta there. It pays good, so I can’t give it up. Besides, someday I’ll be some fancy scientist and I hopefully won’t have to deal with that.”

 

“Alright, but if anything beyond what you can handle happens, then I want you quitting. I just got a raise at my job and we could handle just having mine if you really didn’t feel comfortable working there anymore.”

 

“Thank you for the offer, but I think the extra money will do us some good. We sure do deserve it, finally.” He smiled at my words. “Maybe soon you can start going back to art school or even just take a class. Bucky was telling me he wanted to sign up as well; you two could do it together.” 

 

“That would be nice,” he said. I smiled back at him and started to make us some food. 

 

“Speaking of Bucky, he’s coming over after having a meal with his family.” 

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


September 30, 1940

 

It was very scary to hear the news about Europe and its development over the months because of the war. People were clearly hurting over there, and I prayed for them everyday. Bucky and Steve had strong opinions about the war and Hitler, while I just selfishly hoped the US wouldn’t get involved at all so that my two best friends wouldn’t have the chance to join the fight. 

 

Steve got me a phonograph for my birthday and it was one of my favorite things. He would buy me records to play whenever he could, and I loved being able to listen to the songs whenever I was home. The first one he found me was our song  _ The Way You Look Tonight.  _ I played that one the most often. I also had that song from  _ The Wizard of Oz  _ and he got me a few others we had heard on the radio. We also had begun to sleep in the same bed for a while. We hadn’t done anything, as I had expressed to him my desire to wait until marriage. I had nothing against the women who felt empowered enough to have sex with a man before marriage, but I felt my own empowerment by being able to wait until I decided, which would be until the tradition of the Catholic faith had it. Steve respected those wishes, but I knew Bucky teased him for it on occasion. He had done it with different girls, and I told him to shut right up about it the one time I heard him. It was our choice and he could butt out of it just as I butt out of his choices. 

 

I had made sure time and again that Steve truly was okay with it, and he was. He insisted that he follow the Catholic faith as well, and he had no problems waiting like I did. Although we had discussed marriage between the two of us, we still had decided we didn’t need to get married any time soon. So that’s how we came to be two people dating in Brooklyn, sleeping in the same bed every night in each other’s arms, but still not fully making love. We certainly were a strange duo compared to others our age. Most people waiting until marriage were not living in the same apartment together let alone the same bed.

 

Him and Bucky decided to take an art class together and I was so glad they got to spend that time doing something they both loved. They had jobs that weren’t necessarily fun for them, but they paid well. I was off going to school to follow my own dreams so they should be allowed to do things that made them happy too. I was surprised Bucky enjoyed art, as he was always more into sports in secondary school, but he liked it and was good at it. Though I personally felt Steve was still better, and I may had been biased but I believed Steve deserved to be better than anyone around him at some things. Art, especially drawing, was definitely that for him. 

 

“How was your day?” I asked him as we ate dinner together after he spent a day at work and I spent mine at school. With our busy schedules, it was rare for us to both have the same dinner time off. 

 

“It was very nice, but I enjoy coming home to you more than anything.”   
  
“So do I,” I smiled at him as I took a bite.

 

“What happened with you? I know your schooling is coming along well, how are the other people treating you?”

 

“It could be better, but it is what it is. I go there to learn, not so much to make friends I guess. Our department is getting much more hands on experience as the government is coming to us for producing better weapons and supplies for the countries overseas.”

 

“Yeah, the factory is definitely producing more than ever before. It’s why we’re doing so well financially right now. Do you think you will be getting paid for helping out with all this research?”

 

“I wish, but it’s really just used as experience. Stuff I can say to employers when I get out there to look for an actual job. It’s really fun and interesting work though, and I happen to be one of the best students working on it.”

 

“That’s great, Maddi! I’m really proud of you.”

 

“Thanks,” tell him. “I’m really proud of you too, you work so hard every day.” 

 

“Thank you,” he smiles and he took a bite of his food. 


	24. Chapter 24

January 29, 1941 

 

“We are doing really well right now, Steve.” We were going over all our payments for the month and between our two jobs, we were earning more than enough for our expenses. I was getting more tips as people in general were making more money, and Steve was making more as well. “I am just so happy at how we have handled ourselves. I know it was hard when neither of us could afford anything beyond necessity, but we made it work and we have always had everything we needed so I believe God has blessed us.”

 

“So do I,” Steve replied. 

 

“I feel so comfortable, I believe we could even grow our family,” I joked but thought in the back of my head that it was more than true.

 

“You mean like, have children?” Steve asked.

 

“Yeah sure, I know we always talk about how we are alright with how we have things, but I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea soon. I guess we should still wait a bit obviously. We aren’t even married, and I haven’t finished school. Actually, just forget I said anything, it was silly, just a joke really.”

 

“No, I mean I’m glad we’re talking about it. See, I understand we should wait until you finish school to have a child of course, but I’m glad we are looking at it as a real thing in our future. It’s nice to think about.”

 

“Yeah, it is nice to think about, isn’t it.” I smiled at him and he returned it with his adorable grin. I sighed and changed the subject. “What do you make of the war in Europe this week?” every week or so Steve would talk about what he read in the papers and as much as I hated the situation, I enjoyed the intellectual conversations we had about it.

 

“I’m telling you Mads, I’m surprised we haven’t joined it yet.”

 

“I know, people are scared from the last war, I’m scared and I didn’t even really live through it. Lots of people would die.”

 

“Lots of people are dying already.”

 

“You’re right,” it was insensitive of me to put american lives above anyone else’s. We were very much ‘America First’ and I never knew what to think anymore. “I guess I just selfishly think too much about what you and Bucky would do if we did join the war.”

 

“You know us too well, and I’m sorry but it’s what we would have to do. But I guess it’s better if we don’t think about it right now. There doesn’t seem to be any plans to join yet, it would only upset the people. I just think we need to be mindful of if it could happen.”

 

“Maybe that’s another reason to yet again hold off on our future together.” There was always something that we used as an excuse. 

 

“I don’t think so. Sure maybe on the child thing, but I don’t think so on our future in general,” he replied and I gave him a funny look. 

 

“You’re up to something,” I observed. 

 

“Nonsense,” he chuckled. “Now let’s go on a real date, how about dancing?”

 

“Since when are you the one to suggest dancing?”

 

“Since you’re my favorite partner to dance with.”

 

“I have been your only partner.”

 

“But you’re the right partner, and that’s all I was ever waiting for.” I smiled at him and hooked my arm in his.

 

“You’re the right partner for me too. Let’s go dancing then!” 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


April 2, 1941

 

“Do you think he’s gonna ask me?” I asked Bucky as we walked to my house together. He had helped me with my groceries as Steve wasn’t breathing well from the spring air. “I mean, he hints at it from time to time, and I joke with him, but do you think he’s gonna actually ask me?”

 

“I don’t know, Maddi. I sure hope so because you two have been together for ages. You basically already are married, just not by name yet.”

 

“That’s very funny, but it will seriously change a lot of things. I mean, my name will be changed, our relationship dynamic will change. We can actually start to maybe think about children more seriously.”

 

“Maddi, why are we even talking about this right now?”   
  


“Because, you’re my girl talk since I haven’t heard from Alice in a long time. She visits, but it’s been a while and I need to talk about this now.”

 

“If you want him to ask you, just flat out tell him. You are very vocal in everything else that goes through your head.”

 

“But if he has something planned, I don’t want to ruin it. Also, you should know me better than that. I was the girl who was in love with him for over a year and never said anything.”

 

“You overthink things too much sometimes,” he rolled his eyes as I reached for my keys at my apartment door. “That’s why you’re so good with Steve, you both do it.” It was my turn to roll my eyes.

 

“Are you staying for dinner? We’d love to have ya,” I told him as we put the bags on the counter. “Steve we’re back!” I yelled to the bedroom.

 

“Coming,” I heard him yell back. 

 

“Yeah I’ll stay. I got a date tonight, but I have enough time until then.”

 

“Ah, who’s the lucky girl tonight?” Steve asked with a smirk.

 

“Oh shut up you punk, just because you can’t date anymore due to miss redhead over hear does not mean you need to criticize me for doing it.” 

 

“Oh trust me Buck, I do not miss going on dates you set up for me at all. This is much more your style than mine,” he chuckled back at Bucky.

 

“Just maybe try to keep this girl longer than a day Bucky,” I suggest.

 

“Oh haha guys, you know it’s not them breaking up with me.”

 

“Oh we know Barnes,” I told him. “That’s why I’m suggesting you don’t forget about her by tomorrow.” Steve laughed at my comment and Bucky just playfully brushed it off. He was all too proud of his reputation. 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


May 25, 1941 (STEVE’S POV)

 

Bucky, Maddi, and I walked into Ebbets Stadium and it was a beautiful day out. Maddi had bought us tickets to see the Brooklyn Dodgers vs Philadelphia Phillies game as a random gift and we were all excited. I had gotten her a bit more into baseball as I would listen to games on the radio, and she had begun joining me the last two years. We walked through the stadium and Maddi was smiling wide. “This is so exciting!” She said as all the lively people walked around and bought food or talked with friends. I noticed she was slightly shivering but trying to hide it.

 

“Are you cold?” I asked her, concerned. 

 

“Oh, just a little I guess. It’s a bit more windy than I thought it would be.” I immediately took off my jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. “No Steve, you don’t have to do that,” she quickly tried to say.

 

“Nah, I’m still wearing long sleeves; you’re the crazy one who wore a short sleeved dress. Besides, I’m not even that cold.” 

 

“It’s the end of May! It shouldn’t be this cold!” Bucky and I just chuckled because she was always colder than us and I was surprised she didn’t bring her own jacket. We got to our seats and talked about how we thought the game might go. As it started, I saw Maddi shiver yet again, except this time Bucky noticed it too and wrapped her in a big hug. 

 

“We’ll keep you warm, Mads!” he said and she laughed from surprise. 

 

“Very funny, Bucky. Really I’m fine.” He let go and looked at us both.

 

“Well Steve already did the boyfriend thing and gave you his jacket, what else is the brotherly figure supposed to do?” 

 

“I guess I’ll take your hugs, they are very warming,” she teased back and I smiled. They were my two favorite people in the world, and I couldn’t have asked for a better day than spending it there with them. A few innings later, I offered to to grab us some food. I got us some popcorn, and as I got back to our seats, Maddi and Bucky were both intently watching the game. “You’re back, just in time! It’s the bottom of the 6th, they’re tied 4 to 4 and the bases are loaded. Sit down and watch!” I sat quickly and handed her some popcorn and we all watched as the batter hit the ball and it went flying in the park, but they players on the pases were running in one by one to home plate. The entire stadium was cheering as the hitter was making his way around and was then heading for home plate too. It was an in the park grand slam and we all couldn’t believe it. We were all up on our feets cheering so loud, it’s all you could hear. Maddi was jumping up and down with excitement. “Now why haven’t we gone to games before today? This is so much fun!” 

 

It was a moment I would remember forever, watching her smile wide and just having a wonderful time with her and Bucky. “We’ll have to look into going to more in the future then, now that I clearly have made a baseball fan,” I told her and she nodded back at me. The game finished later 8-4 with the Dodgers winning and Maddi and Bucky spent the entire walk home singing with glee. Bucky teased me to sing along with, but I refrained from doing so. Maddi didn’t pester me with it because she knew I only sang in front of her. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


June 1, 1941

 

“Let’s go for a walk,” Steve said as I was reading a book on the sofa. I sat up and smiled at him.

 

“Alright, let me put my shoes on,” I hopped up and grabbed my handbag on the way. I laced my fingers into his and we walked hand in hand down the street, “Where are we headed?” I ask curiously. I enjoy our spontaneous moments and it was a beautiful day outside. 

 

“Just anywhere really, you’ll see I guess.” I eyed him suspiciously but let it go. We walked together talking about anything random that came to our minds; we made each other laugh, and it was a more than an enjoyable afternoon. We walked by our old school.

 

“I remember when we first met,” Steve said as we stood outside the yard lunch area. “We were so young, but I knew I had never met anyone prettier than you.” I squeezed his hand and blushed.

 

“I am so glad I met you, my entire life changed because of the nice boy who I sat next to in class.”

 

“Come on, I want to go to the park,” he said after kissing me on the lips. We walked to the bench we often sat at and just watched the nature around us. I leaned my head on his shoulder and took a breath in. The smell of fresh grass mixed with Steve’s natural scent brought me so much peace. “I wanted to show you something. I went through your album, but for good reason.” He took out a small stack of drawings from his bag he brought with. “These are a collection of every drawing I have made for you while sitting at this very bench. I’m sure you remember most of them because you were there when I drew them. The first one there is the one of you and Bucky playing in the snow from the first year we knew each other. Look through them.”

 

I smiled as I thought back to every memory of each picture from watching Steve draw it or receiving it as a present from him, they all held such wonderful memories. I slowly flipped through them, completely fixated on the beautiful details he put in each one and I just could not stop smiling. I got to the last one and was taken aback. There was a new drawing I had never seen before, it was of the very park we were in, the bench I was sitting on. There was me sitting on the bench as Steve was on one knee holding a ring up to me. I gasped and quickly looked over to see Steve in the same position holding up a very simple yet beautiful engagement ring. “Oh my goodness,” I said putting my hands up to my mouth. I had known this had to be coming soon, but this was a wonderful feeling that actually surprised me.

 

“Madeline Jane Bennett, I have loved you since I met you. It may had taken me a while to admit it to myself, and even longer to admit it to you, but I have always been in love with you. There isn’t anyone in this world I would rather start a family and grow old with, and I’m sure you’re the only person who would want to do the same with me.” I chuckled at his comment as tears began to roll down my face. “I want to forever draw you on paper, and I want to forever hear your lovely voice sing, and I want to forever dance with you until we’re too tired and then we’ll dance some more. Maddi, will you marry me?” I was already nodding my head as fast as I could by the time he asked the question and said yes over and over. Steve and I jumped up and hugged each other with smiles so wide on our faces. He kissed me passionately on the lips and I melted in his arms. As we pulled away, he took the ring still in his hand and put it on my finger. 

 

“Steve, this ring is gorgeous!”

 

“It was my mother’s engagement ring.”

 

“Oh that just makes it all the better.” I loved Sarah Rogers, she was so kind and I missed her. 

 

“We can get new wedding rings for ourselves, but I just thought it would be nice for you to have this one. My dad picked it out when they were dating.” 

 

“It’s perfect. This whole thing was perfect, and I love this drawing of us. I have to have it framed of course! It’ll look lovely on our lamp table in the main room.” I kissed him again and kept smiling. “I love you so much Steve.” 

 

“I love you Maddi.” 


	25. Chapter 25

October 2, 1941

 

There was a knock on the door and I went to answer it, Steve was out of the house so it was just me. Standing there was Alice. “Alice!! Oh my, it is so good to see you, please come in!” 

 

“Hi! We were in town visiting our parents and I had to stop by!”

 

“You are looking amazing, where are the little ones?”

 

“Over with David’s mother at their house. I just wanted to have maybe a cup of coffee or a small snack while we caught up. I’m glad you are home, I know you are so busy these days.”

 

“Yes, sit down and I’ll fix us up a mug each.”

 

“So what is new?” 

 

“Actually, something pretty big happened and I am glad I get to show you.” I turned around and held up my hand to show my ring. “Steve and I are getting married!”

 

“Well it’s about time! I’m so happy for you!! Let me see the ring!” I walked over with our cups, I had already brewed a pot of coffee before she got there.

 

“It was his mother’s”

 

“Oh Maddi, it is so you! I love the beautiful and simple designs. This is exciting, have you guys decided on a date yet?”

 

“Not really, we were looking more into a winter wedding. We know it’s a little stranger, but we would be able to rule out possible weather induced sickness Steve could get. Sure, we’ll have to hope for him to be fit enough in general for the time being, but we haven’t decided an exact date. Probably this February.”

 

“He’s still having trouble with all that?” she asked while taking a sip.

 

“Yeah, but we make due.”

 

“Do you think… and don’t take this the wrong way… but maybe your children will be sick like him?” I paused for a moment and was completely surprised I never even gave that a thought before in the past.

 

“I don’t know, maybe. I never really thought of that.”

 

“I’m sure they will be alright, his parents were both healthy, right?” 

 

“Yeah, I mean his mother died of TB, but Steve and I never showed any signs of getting it.”

 

“Well, sorry to bring that up. What really matters is how amazing it is that you two are finally getting together. You are one of the last girls in our class to be tying down a man.”

 

“Well we always felt comfortable waiting.”   
  


“I know, and that’s great for you two. You’re clearly meant for each other. Now I know you are doing well in school right, I didn’t help you that first year for nothing?” I gave her a small laugh and shook my head.

 

“No, it wasn’t for nothing. I’m about half a year away from getting my double major in Physics and Biochemistry. It’s been a long and hard road, but I’m not even close to being done with it. I’ll look for a paying job after graduating and then look into going back someday to further my education, maybe even get my doctorate.”

 

“You amaze me; honestly, I do not know how you have the courage and persistence to be so ambitious in such a male dominated area.”

 

“Yeah, I guess it’s what has scared me off from getting married and having kids a while ago. I didn’t want other people to think of me as not focused enough on the work I’m putting in.”

 

“Maybe you can prove to them that you have the ability to do both. Be an excellent mother and wife and scientist. If anyone can do it, it would be you.” 

 

“Thanks, Alice. And how about you, what’s going on with you?”

 

“Oh well the mothers upstate I spend time with now are not nearly as fun as you, but it’s enough. Keeps me sane with all the upkeeping of our lives I have to do. We need to stay that perfect American family.” She signed after she spoke.

 

“Are you sure it’s all going well?”

 

“Of course! I love David and our kids, it just gets a little exhausting you know? He does so well at the company he works for, and I just gotta make sure we stay in tip top shape for everything else. Don’t want his coworkers or parents thinking anything is less than wonderful all the time.”

 

I grabbed her hand and gave her a concerned look. “Don’t put so much pressure on yourself; I wish I could be there for you everyday.” 

 

“Oh it’s no problem, I can handle it! Besides, it’s worth it because I do have a pretty great life.”

 

“I’m glad,” I told her. We continued to talk and she showed me pictures of the girls. “Oh Steve is back in art classes. He took one last year and is doing so again this year with Bucky. It’s in Manhattan, so they have fun going into that part of the city together,” I said a little while later.

 

“Oh yes, he’s always been so good at drawing.”

 

“Yeah, it’s actually a painting class this time, trying to branch out.”

 

“I saw the picture of his proposal over there,”

 

“Yes, it’s my favorite one really!” I proceeded to tell her the whole story about the proposal and she loved every bit of it. I really enjoyed spending the morning with her.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


December 7, 1941

 

I was working a shift at the diner and we had the radio on and something caught my attention. I told the other waitress there to turn it a bit up and was shocked at what I heard. “ _ We have witnessed this morning the distant view a brief full battle of Pearl Harbor and the severe bombing of Pearl Harbor by enemy planes, undoubtedly Japanese.” _

 

“Hey lady, my drink?” a man at the counter tried to get my attention but I waved them off.

 

“ _ This battle has been going on for nearly three hours. _ ” After hearing this, he fell just as silent as I was. In fact, the entire restaurant wasn’t talking as they were all listening to what was being said. We had it turned up as loud as it could go. Our manager came out from the back room to listen with us. “ _ It is no joke. It is a real war. The public of Honolulu has been advised to keep in their homes and away from the Army and Navy. There has been serious fighting going on in the air and in the sea. The heavy shooting seems to be”  _ He was cut off and I didn’t know if he would come back on the air.  _  “-a little interruption. We cannot estimate just how much damage has been done, but it has been a very severe attack.” _ The operator came in after that and I had begun to zone out. I was blown away by the disaster happening by Hawaii and it brought tears to my eyes. So many people dying, and so many more in fear. This was going to change our country for sure. The rest of the work day was very somber as we kept the radio on and they continuously gave us updates on what was happening, but I couldn’t get that initial live broadcast of the attack out of my head. I thought about whether or not Steve and Bucky knew. They were in a class together, but they had to have known by then. After my shift was over, I hurried home and found the two of them in our apartment waiting for me.

 

“You heard,” I stated the obvious as the radio was also on to tell us more news. Steve got up and hugged me and I just fell into his arms. It had been such a stressful day; I had held back more tears in order to keep doing my job, and those all released in that moment. I cried for the men and their families, I cried for the people living nearby, and I cried for everyone who would be affected by this event in the future. After I had settled down, we all sat together and I waited for them to break the inevitable news to me.

 

“You know Congress will be declaring war any moment now,” Bucky starts. I nod my head and let a few more tears slip. “And we’re gonna enlist when they do.” My entire body felt like it was collapsing at his words. It felt so much more real when he said it out loud. “But don’t you worry Maddi, I’m gonna train Steve here, and we’re gonna be just fine.” 

 

“You don’t know that,” I whisper to him. “I can’t stop you two from doing what you feel is right for our country, but I just can’t handle the thought of it.” Steve wrapped his arms around me to comfort me and I tried to remain strong, but I knew it would be a daily feeling from now on. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


December 8, 1941

 

We sat once again in our living room listening to the radio, this time it was the President giving a speech on where our country was heading after the previou _ s day. “Yesterday, December 7, 1941 -- a date which will live in infamy -- the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.” _ I tensed at his words and Steve took my hand and squeezed it. There was no usual joking nature between the three of us out of respect for the people and country. We continued to listen Roosevelt discuss the peace we used to have and how Japan betrayed it. He listed the other places Japan attacked the previous night and I was shocked at how I could have forgotten about the rest of the world. Of course people were hurting all over, the world was a scarier place than it had been in a while. _ “I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December 7, 1941, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese Empire.” _

 

We knew this was where the speech was heading, it was the only way it could have gone, but hearing it was such a different feeling. Knowing that Steve and Bucky would be enlisting in the army, it made me feel terribly hollow inside. They were really my only family left; I still had Alice and the Barnes’ family, but they were nowhere near as close to me as these two men sitting next to me. I didn’t cry anymore, I just sat there trying to figure out how I was going to be the supportive person in all of this. They were incredibly brave for their choice, and I had to be there for them and not make this all about myself. 

 

“Steve and I will train together before either of us enlist. It’ll make us stronger and hopefully put all our minds a little more at ease,” Bucky had tried to make me feel better but we all knew strength training wouldn’t stop bullets or bombs that would come their way. I smiled at him and nodded my head regardless.

 

“If you two need anything, I’ll be sure to help you,” I tell them truthfully. I hated to say it, but I was almost certain they wouldn’t let Steve in and it made me feel slightly better. He had so many health problems, it just didn’t seem realistic, but I wasn’t going to say anything because I knew he really wanted to serve his country like any other man.

 

Later that night when it was just Steve and myself, we talked about what this meant for the two of us. “You think this will maybe bring you more opportunity to find a job after you graduate soon?” He asked me. I was finishing up my education and would hopefully be able to get a job afterwards. I figured it was best to do that before going back for a professional degree. 

 

“Maybe,” I replied but my mind wasn’t on my future job hunt at the moment. “I wanted to ask you something and if you don’t like it that’s alright. I know we planned to have a small wedding at the end of February, and I still love the idea of having a winter wedding, but maybe we should wait a bit more. It’s just that everyone will probably be rushing to do everything before the war for us picks up, I just don’t think we should do that. I don’t know, maybe it gives us a bit more confidence that we will have each other when it’s all over and we can get married then and have children, but right now is probably not a good time for either of us to go in that direction.” He thought about all that I said for a few moments before replying.

 

“I have no problem waiting. I already have you in my life, and if you want to wait a hundred years until we marry, I will wait a hundred years for you because I love you. Waiting is our thing, I don’t see why we can’t wait a little longer,” he smiled at me as he spoke and I smiled back. 

 

“Thank you, I just don’t think we should organize a wedding in the middle of all of this, no matter how small it would be.” We didn’t really have a whole lot of friends and family to invite anyway. “I love you Steve, and we will get through this.” I was scared but hopeful, I had never truly lived through a war but it’s not something I wanted to ever be prepared for.


	26. Chapter 26

January 4, 1942

“They denied you?” I questioned Steve as him and Bucky came back from enlisting in the army and Steve hadn’t passed the medical exam. 

“Yeah,” he said looking down.

“Hey I know your upset, but just think, now you get to stay with your fiance over here and get married like you planned,” Bucky tried to make Steve feel better. I watched Steve and knew right away that wasn’t what he wanted. I didn’t doubt he wanted to marry me, but I knew he wanted to fight alongside Bucky. 

“No way are we getting married without you there, Bucky. You’re our best friend,” I told him. “Let’s go out to eat.” I asked Bucky when his training started and he told me the next week. I was sad to hear he would be going off to train and I wouldn’t see him. I saw him more often than anyone else, besides Steve, and it was going to be strange without him there. I told Steve at dinner when Bucky was in the restroom how I felt about everything. “It’s okay to be unhappy, but it’s also okay to feel something else about this,” I started. “You can feel relieved, I know I do a little. You’ll be safe here with me.” He looked at me pained and shook his head.

“I don’t feel relieved. I shouldn’t feel relieved because I should be going with Bucky to train like everyone else.”

“I don’t understand why you’re so insistent to run straight into a war, Steve.”

“It’s not about running into war, it’s about doing my job like every other able American should.”

“We’ll what if I told you I wanted to join the army?” I asked him and he hesitated with his answer so I spoke again. “What if I enlisted and they denied me for whatever reason. Wouldn’t you be relieved?”

“I guess, but that’s not-”

“It is the same. If you went over there, I would be worrying about you everyday just like I will now be worrying about Bucky everyday. If I was denied, you would be happy you wouldn’t have to worry about me. I understand you really wanted this, but maybe it’s for the best. I know we won’t have our wedding yet still, but we can think more about our family and future here.”

“Maddi, I want all of that, but I need to do this too. I’m going to try again because I can’t sit by and do nothing.”

“Try again, what do you mean?” I was concerned about his plans.

“I don’t know, I’ll say I’m from another city or something and they’ll give me a new examination.”

“Steve, that’s illegal. Please don’t do that, I know this is making you irrational, but if they catch you then they will arrest you.”

“They won’t catch me, Mads.”

“You don’t know that!” I was more worried than before. “Besides, what if they do take you?” I almost regretted saying it. I wanted to be supportive, but I was scared I needed to be honest with him. 

“I thought that was our plan this whole time,” he replied. “For both Bucky and I to join.” 

“Steve, I can’t lose you. I know you want this, but if they let you in the army, I’ll be terrified for you.”

“I can handle it,” he started but I shook my head. 

“I don’t doubt that, but there are things that could kill any man in war, and when you can’t run as fast as the others or get to weak too even sit up like on your bad days…” I trailed off thinking about it. “That could make you a larger target.”

“Other men are giving their lives for our country.”

“I can’t tell if you’re crazy or brave or just a better person than I am.” I shook my head and looked down at my plate. “Maybe it’s all three, but I can’t approve of you trying again. I’m sorry to be frank, but they denied you for a reason Steve. You have to realize that, and I would never love you less because of it, but that’s just the way things are.” 

“I’m no stupid Maddi, I know the whole world sees me as less than anyone else. I have a chance to prove them wrong!”

“That’s what this is? Proving the world wrong? They only opinion that should matter is Bucky’s, mine, and yours. You don’t need to go to war to prove to us that you’re worth something,” it made me angry to hear him say that. Bucky came back with a smile on his face until he realized the tension between the two of us. 

“What’s going on?” He asked as Steve and I just stared at each other and I frowned. 

“Steve is going to lie on his enlistment form to try again, so while you’re off at an army camp, he could be in jail or getting shipped off to train as well.” My words were sour and I saw Steve shift under my gaze and he looked down knowing I was more than upset. “Do what you want, but I refuse to pretend like I’m okay with this.” I grabbed my purse and stood up to leave. 

“Maddi wait,” Steve tried but I was already out the door not looking back. 

 

* * *

 

February 21, 1942 (STEVE’S POV)

Maddi was still upset with me about my choice to try enlisting again. We didn’t talk about it because it just ended with us fighting again. We could occasionally feel the tension from it between us. We ate meals together; we slept in the same bed still, but we didn’t do so while holding each other but instead slept on opposites sides. I had tried two more times, and I still hadn’t decided to give up yet. We tried our best to live like it wasn’t even happening. Bucky had left for basic training, and Maddi was looking for a new job with no luck. She still worked at the diner, but nobody would give her a chance in her career path. She was the smartest person I knew and people weren’t giving her a second glance because she was a woman. 

“I need to talk with you,” Maddi said as she walked into the kitchen as I sat at the table reading the paper. 

“Okay,” I said while setting it on the table. 

“I don’t like how we have handled this,” she started. “I miss you.” She looked like she had tears forming in her eyes and I got instantly concerned.

“Maddi, I’m right here,” I grab her hand but she pulls away.

“That’s not what I mean, and I know it’s my fault. I heard this song on the radio, and it talked of a man wishing to be honored with fighting for his country. I can’t help but think I wouldn’t feel less distant from you if you were overseas than right now. I know we talk and we spend time together, but it’s not like we used to. I don’t like that you’re lying on your form, but to say it would be worse for you to be accepted than to get caught was wrong. I should be honored to be marrying such a strong and brave man who would fight and give his life for his country if it came to it.” I felt my heart swell from her words. “What’s worse than any of that though is continuing this feeling between us where we don’t joke like we used to, or do more than go through the motions, or just simply hold each other. I love you and I can’t stand another moment mad about this because it’s stopping me from always showing you how much I love you.” She truly burst into tears at that point. I didn’t even think about it but just took a quick step forward and wrapped my arms around her. She didn’t pull back of flinch that time but tightly put her arms around me in return. I felt her shake from her crying as she put her head on my shoulder and I rubbed my hand up and down her back. 

“I love you, Madeline. I don’t want to fight about this anymore either, and I have never stopped loving you through these last months. I know you just care about me getting hurt and I should see that as your love, but I am so glad you see what I see now. I can’t tell you I’m gonna stop trying, but I will never stop loving you and I will try my hardest to keep myself safe in order to continue keeping you safe. It’s my job, and part of that is making sure the country you live in stays safe too.” She lifted her head, looked at me, and smiled sadly. 

“You know I don’t need a man to keep me safe,” she joked and I chuckled back at her. 

“Of course!” I responded. “Miss Madeline Bennett has always held her own. I would know, trust me, because it’s one of the things I love most about her.” She smiled wider that time and kissed me. 

“We’ll get through this,” she said. 

“We always do,” I responded. 

“No matter what the world has thrown our way, we come out stronger on the other side.” I kissed her again and I knew she was right. The war was getting stronger every day and more men were going overseas. Sooner or later they’d have to let me in, and we would deal with that when it came just like with everything else in our past. She spoke up again about her thoughts. “I know it sounds like we’ll just be back to where we started, but I really need to pretend like it it’s not happening. I want to keep everything else like it used to be, but I also can’t talk about you still trying to enlist. It’s too much to be on my mind right now.”

“So you mean I’ll just keep trying and and we won’t acknowledge it when we’re together?” I didn’t know how much I liked that idea. It sounded problematic. We talked about how we felt, Maddi understood what I wanted and why, but wanted to continue to ignore it anyway? That didn’t seem like everything would be okay again. 

“Please? We go on dates, we hold each other at night, we pretend none of this is happening. If you get accepted, or God forbid get arrested, then I’ll deal with my emotions then. Right now, I need to just forget about it and I need your help to do that.” I eyed her carefully and slowly nodded my head. 

“Okay. If that’s what you want,” I said hesitantly. I wanted her to be happy but I didn’t think this would really work. Reminders of the war were always around us. She would be happy on the surface, but I felt like she would still be upset or even angry. “I won’t bring it up anymore.” She nodded her head and sent a sad smile my way. 

“Thank you,” she whispered and I worried about how she would handle this, or even how I would. 

 

* * *

 

**A/N: The song Maddi referred to was an actual song written back during the start of World War II. If you would like to look it up and listen, it’s called “There’s a Star Spangled Banner Waving Somewhere” by Elton Britt and I can see Steve relating to it a lot.**


	27. Chapter 27

March 24, 1942

I was on a movie date with Steve, and I had gone out to use the restroom before and stayed in our seats. By the time I got back, he was no longer sitting there and I looked around confused. A kind woman next to where I was standing whispered help to me. “He was taken outside, you might want to hurry because it was by another man angry with him.” I furrowed my eyebrows and nodded my head. I never understood why others didn’t help Steve when he got himself into trouble. I quickly ran out back to find Bucky standing there yelling at another man to pick on someone his own size. The man went running and I noticed Steve on the ground. 

I helped him onto his feet and shook my head. “I leave for five minutes and you get into trouble?” I asked him while shaking my head. 

“He was disrespecting the men serving, they had a video before showing the war efforts and he was being obnoxious so I told him to stop.” He brushed the dirt off his clothes and I sighed. I couldn’t yell at him for being honorable, I was way to used to where that got him anyway. I swiftly turned to Bucky and smiled wide. I jumped and gave him a big hug once I knew Steve was alright.

“You’re back!” He hugged me back and he was holding papers in his hand. “It’s so good to see you!” I let go and let Steve hug his best friend hello as well. 

Bucky held the papers in his hand up. “Jersey this time, really? You know it’s illegal to lie on your enlistment form.” I grew very silent. I hadn’t realized Steve went today to enlist again. We hadn’t talked about it in almost a month due to my request. I still thought about it of course, but I tried my best to ignore what I knew was going on. I couldn’t figure out if I liked our agreement or not. It honestly made me still feel lonely, and I wanted to talk about it but since it was me who requested to not talk, I didn’t want to frustrate him with my changing emotions. I was so scared still, but I was coming to understand why his did this more and more. He deserved to be treated like everyone else, he had more courage and kindness than most men going. I guess I also just also worried about how war would change him if he did come out of it alive. Steve looked my way to see my reaction at Bucky’s words, but I decided not to say anything. 

“You get your orders?” Steve asked. 

“107th Sergeant James Barnes shipping out for England first thing tomorrow,” Bucky responded. I felt myself hold my breath as I thought about Bucky leaving for war.

“You just got back,” I said softly.

“I know, but that’s just how it works Mads. I’m sorry, I really am,” He put an arm around me and then put another arm around Steve who was looking just as down as I was, but because he probably wished to be going with Bucky. The 107th was what his father served on, and I knew that hurt him more than anything. “Come on, it’s my last night!” “We gotta get you cleaned up; we have a double date,” he directed towards Steve.

“Bucky, what on earth makes you think you can take over our date night to bring us along with some random girl you won’t remember in a week?” I questioned him with joking frown on my face. Steve chuckled at my words. 

“Maybe because I won’t even be here by then,” I frowned for real at his words that time. “Besides, it’s the science expo!” He added with a knowing smile.

 “Well why didn’t you just start with that? Let’s go!” I smiled wide at the thought of going, and all my other worries momentarily were gone. Steve and Bucky laughed at my reaction but I just kept smiling, I couldn’t wait to see what be there.

Steve and I went home first to clean up and get dressed appropriately. We met up with Bucky still in uniform and with his date standing next to him. I politely introduced myself to woman and we went around looking at different exhibits. I tried to make conversation with Bucky’s date, but it wasn’t going very well. It was usually a hit or miss when it came to the women Bucky brought with us. 

“So you and Steve are dating?” She asked me with a tone that made me feel she had been trying to figure that out since she saw us. 

“We’re engaged actually,” I told her.

“Oh wow, is he wealthy? That has to be it, right?” 

“Excuse me?”

“Well that’s why you’re with him, right? I can’t see how you anyone could-” I cut her off once realizing where she was going.

“Stop right there, please.” Steve and Bucky were off getting us some snacks and I about had it with the woman standing next to me. We had only just met and she was critical and pretentious about things that were none of her business. “Steve is a wonderful man, and you may only be after men who are soldiers and are tall and brooding or wealthy, but I have higher standards. It’s not about having a trophy, but having someone who loves and cares for you. I for one find Steve rather attractive, and since our being engaged has no affect on you, I suggest you keep your nasty comments to yourself.” 

“I was simply inquiring,” she scoffed back at me.

“And I was simply telling you not to makes such crude assumptions.” I swiftly walked away from her and over to the approaching Steve and Bucky. I wrapped my arm in Steve’s and made sure to stay clear away from Bucky’s date. I wanted him to enjoy himself, but I wasn’t about to spend any more time with her. We walked over to see Howard Stark’s presentation and I did my best to ignore my previous conversation in order to enjoy myself. I had admired Howard’s work for quite some time and it was amazing to be standing in front of him showing his latest ideas. Steve offered me some popcorn and I thanked him quietly with a smile. “I’m going to try and get closer!” He nodded for me to go forward and I weaved through a few people to get a clearer view. It was a car that was suspending in air. It didn’t remain in the air for long, but I would have loved to work out the reasons why. It looked like an amazing design. I wanted to try to get in a conversation with Howard Stark, but as I turned around to tell my friends, I saw I was all alone. I noticed Bucky’s uniform and quickly walked towards it. As I got closer, I saw he was walking towards Steve standing next to a recruitment booth. I saw Bucky’s date waiting impatiently for him to return and decided to not even acknowledge her and just walked towards my friends. I caught then end of their conversation.

“There are men laying down their lives, Bucky,” Steve sounded as exasperated as he always did when discussing his want to join the army. “I got no right to do any less than them.” I waited until they finished because I didn’t want to interrupt. That didn’t last long however until Bucky’s date became too impatient and called for him to go dancing. 

“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back,” Bucky told him.

“How can I, you’re taking all the stupid with you?” Steve replied and I smiled.

“You’re a punk,” Bucky said.  
“Jerk,” Steve gave him a hug goodbye while saying “be careful. Don’t win the war until I get there!” As Bucky walked away, I caught him to say goodbye.

  
“I’ll talk to him,” I said, he knew from my letters and probably Steve’s that this had been a sore subject between us and I didn’t like confronting it. “But I can’t stop him, I understand that now more than ever that it wouldn’t be right.” I had to fully face the reality of it and why I should respect his choices. Bucky probably knew what I was thinking based on what I had said. 

“Keep an eye of the guy, Mads. And don’t get married until I come back!”

“Of course, we have to have our best friend there!” I gave him a big hug and he returned it. He waved as he went off to spend the rest of the night with his date. I walked over to Steve who still hadn’t left yet to enlist.

“Maddi, I’ll be super quick and then we can do whatever you want, I promise-” He started but I stopped him.

“It’s okay Steve. I realized something very important recently. You have never stopped believing in me when it came to getting my degree. I know you won’t stop believing in me when it comes to finding a job or working towards a higher degree even when everyone else in the world doesn’t think I can do it. I have been so ignorant towards how you feel because it is the same situation. I guess I was just to scared to face the facts. But I promise from here on out I will always believe in you because that’s what people who love each other do. If you keep trying, they can’t say no forever, right?” I smiled at him took hold of his hand. “I would know because I have been told no plenty of times. I have never heard it from you though when it comes to the profession I want, so it is wrong of me to hold that double standard against you.” He thought about what I said for a few seconds.

“So you’re okay with me going in and trying again?” he asked hesitantly.

“I won’t say I’m okay with you breaking the law,” I said in a more hushed tone. “And I know I cannot stop you. So I think the best thing to do is let you know that you have my support. I don’t want you to ever feel like I don’t believe in you because I do 100%” He smiled wide at me and wrapped me in a hug. I rested my head shortly on his shoulder. 

“Like I said, I’ll be as quick as I can-”

“Don’t worry! I’ll look around a little bit more and maybe just head home. I’m feeling kinda tired anyway. I’ll see you there.” We pulled away and he nodded. I kissed him goodbye and watched him walk in to sign up. I sighed hoping I did the right thing, I just prayed it would all be okay. Steve came home a little after I did and I was sitting at our kitchen table drinking a glass of water. “So?” I asked as he sat down.

“They let me in,” he said with a stunned voice. 

“What?” I asked because I didn’t know how to react.

“It’s a science division. They don’t care about my size or my ailments, they just want me I guess.” It took me half a second to process what it all meant and I smiled wide for him.

“That’s amazing Steve, it’s exactly what you wanted!” 

“I leave tomorrow,” he stated. My smile immediately faded. I would be all alone when he left. 

“Oh,” was all I could say.

“Are you going to be okay here without me?” I forced a smile to make sure he didn’t worry. Truthfully I was sad and a little scared to be living on my own and not really having any friends or family nearby.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I tell him. 

“Bucky’s family will help you if you ever need anything,” he said. I knew this was true, but I hadn’t spoke with most of them in quite a while. Most of his sisters had gotten married and moved away, and I only saw his mother on occasion. I nodded my head regardless. 

“You go do this Steve. I’ll be okay, I promise.” We went to bed and I tried to savor every moment I would have with him before he left for training the next day. We layed in bed with my head resting on his chest and his arms around me. I tried to hold back tears but it didn’t work. 

“Maddi,” Steve said with worry in his voice. “Please don’t cry.” He rubbed my back as he spoke. 

“Don’t worry about it, I’m just going to miss you. I promise I’ll be alright; let’s just enjoy our time now.” I held onto him tighter than I ever had before. It took a very long time for either of us to fall asleep because we couldn’t get the next day out of our heads. We spent the time just talking about anything that came to our heads to keep our minds as far from the inevitable as we could. “I know it’s just training for right now, but I want you to be careful. I already worry about Bucky, I need to know you will be alright for now.”

“I will be fine Maddi,” he replied.

“I won’t be there to clean you up if you get into a fight with someone, so please try to stay out of those.” 

“I’ll do my best,” he kissed that top of my head after speaking. I was dreading the morning, but knew I couldn’t run from it. 

“Maybe we should have gotten married already,” the worst part of me was worried we wouldn’t have that chance to anymore.

“I would love to be able to call you my wife already, but it’ll be okay. As soon as the war is over, we’ll get married. We won’t wait another second after that, I promise. Besides, we promised we wouldn’t marry without Bucky there so we did the right thing to wait… he’d probably kill us if we hadn’t waited.” He chuckled and I laughed along with him. I was going to miss our teasing most of all. 

“Alright, but you better help win that war fast, mister. I wanna start the rest of my life with you as soon as we can.” I looked up at him by lifting my head from his shoulder. He smiled at me and leaned in to kiss me. I was worried I would regret letting him enlist again but I knew I wouldn’t have been able to stop him. It was the right thing because having my support made him happier and it made me more understanding of his feelings. He was so good about it with me, I had to do the same to show I truly cared. 

“I can’t wait for that to happen,” he said after our kiss ended. I rested my head back on him and continued to hug him as he hugged me. I wanted to stay like that forever.

 

* * *

  
**A/N: So I was trying my best to keep it as accurate to the MCU timeline as possible, but I messed up a little. The events of this chapter doesn’t actually happen until 1943, but I didn’t realize that until after writing it…. I thought about changing it then and adding more to 42, but I just didn’t know how to do that. It didn’t make much sense to me that Bucky wouldn’t be shipped off until over a year after enlisting because the army was trying to make the training process as fast as possible back then to get men through it usually about 8-10 weeks. Also, I personally don’t know what I would have written about since there isn’t anything about Steve’s life in record during this year. So I will be making the experiment a year early and have his time touring and making short movies be a year longer. I feel that makes more sense anyway that it would take a long time to get through all those cities and filming and events than a few months before he did a USO show in Italy. So there is my explanation for all of that, and I hope you guys are okay with it. Please review and letting me know what you think! I’d be happy to answer any non-spoiling questions the best I can!**


	28. Chapter 28

March 30, 1942 (STEVE’S POV)

 

I sat on my bed in the men’s tent late at night. Most of the men were rough housing or reading and I decided to write a letter to let Maddi know how my week had been going. It was very hard to keep up with the physical aspects of the training. I knew Dr. Erskine chose me to be a part of this group for a reason, but I was so behind everyone else that I didn’t believe I would be chose to continue at all. I truly didn’t know what the experiment would entail, but it sounded like it would give me an even better chance to prove myself worthy of being with all the men fighting for their country. Agent Carter was a very intimidating superior. She reminded me of Maddi in that she held her own against all the men at the base. I could see them getting along if they ever met. I let Maddi know in my letter that I was doing fine and to not worry. I prayed for her every night that she was safe and happy even though she was alone for the time being. After I finished my letter, I pulled out her picture I had brought with me. I kept it in my small notepad so that I could look at her everyday. It was a beautiful shot of her smiling in the sun, her curly hair was waving out of her face just right. I knew it hadn’t even been a full week and I already missed her. I didn’t know how I would handle being away from her for so much longer. 

 

“What’s this Rogers?” Hodge said as he snatched my picture out of my hand from behind me. I hadn’t even known he was standing there. 

 

“It’s mine, now give it back,” I told him.

 

“Now hold up. Oooo, look at this beauty boys. This your sister or something?” He asked me and just frowned at him.

 

“She’s my fiance, and I said give it back Hodge.”

 

“There is no way this pretty dame is with you, let alone planning to marry you.” He laughed at his own comment and a couple other men joined him. I was angry at his words and more angry he still had my picture. “What’s her name?” He smirked as he talked. 

 

“I don’t need to tell you that,” I responded.

 

“Oh cause she’s not real? Do you just keep a random picture of a pretty girl to impress people? It ain’t working.” 

 

“Madeline. Her name is Madeline.” I caved hoping he would shut up and move on.

 

“Ha, well if this Madeline is really with you, you can bet your sorry ass she’ll forget about you. A beautiful girl all alone in the city will be bound to find a man better than you in a heartbeat. So I guess you won’t really be needing this picture anymore because she wouldn’t want some ex still carrying it around.” At that, he ripped the picture in half and then ripped those pieces up as well. I was so angry with what he did, I couldn’t even move. He just walked away after throwing the pieces on the ground. After half a minute of me trying to internally calm down from how upset I was, I picked up the pieces I could see but knew that it was useless. That was one of my favorite pictures I had of Maddi. I went back to my letter and added at the end if she could send me another one. I just told her I lost mine and to not worry, but I really wanted to see her pretty smile everyday. I would keep that one better hidden if she did send it. 

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


April 28, 1942

 

I read Steve’s letters and sent one in reply every time. I made it seem less painful being without him, but I truly was miserable. Maybe if I had another friend nearby to spend time with, it would have been better, but I was truly alone. I couldn’t bare the thought of dealing with this for who knows how long as he would be shipped off somewhere shortly after returning. I worried about how he was being treated, he didn’t say much about it but I felt like he might have been downplaying it like I was with my time alone. I knew him and I knew how other people treated him and I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for him to keep up with the rest of the men. 

 

I told him how I actually got a job working in a lab, but it was nothing like I hoped it would be. I worked with all men who didn’t take any interest in what I had to say about anything they were working on. I was hired as someone to actually work alongside the scientists, but I was treated like a lowly assistant. I was told to get coffee or to file paperwork like a secretary. That was certainly not in my job description but there wasn’t much I felt like I could do. I tried to get it fixed, but I was treated like a joke. I was just as smart as any of the men there, and I wasn’t given the time of day. I went home some days so exhausted that I started crying. I refused to ever cry at work because they already thought of me as less because I was a woman, but I refused to look weak in any way possible. 

 

Everyday I just tried my best to work with them, and I tried to be an actual contributor in the research, but it all felt like no point. I had worked so hard to get to this, and I was still looked down on. I wanted Steve to hold me and tell me it would all be better, but I just cried alone in our apartment on the worst days. I told him how awful it was working there, but it payed better than the diner and so I couldn’t quit. I wanted to go back to school someday and get a professional degree, and that took more money. I wasn’t giving up, not when Steve never gave up and he was getting what he hoped for. I wanted to be a part of the changing world and its technology and discoveries, and that wouldn’t happen if I gave up for no reason but it being hard.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


June 7, 1942

 

“I know this neighborhood. I got beat up in that ally, and in that parking lot, and behind that diner,” I said as Agent Carter and I rode in the back of a car. I was chosen for the super soldier project, and I still couldn’t get over it. I was told the day before and didn’t have any time to write to Maddi, but I wouldn’t be allowed to say anything about it anyway. I felt a little guilty for not being able to tell Maddi about it now, but it’ll be fine when I do.

 

“Did you have something against running away?” she asked. 

 

“Start running and they’ll never let you stop. Stand up and push back, they can’t say no forever, right?”

 

“I know a little of what that’s like, to have every door shut in your face.”

 

“We’ll you would have that in common with my fiance.” she couldn’t hide her look of surprise at the mention of me having a fiance. I was used to it though. “She double majored in physics and biochemistry and had a hard time proving herself in school; then it was hard for her to find someone to give her a job. She does now, but they don’t take her seriously as someone who can so the same work as they can. For you, I guess I just don’t know why you would join the army if you were a beautiful dame, or a woman, an agent, not a dame. You are beautiful but, I have a fiance, it was just an observation nothing more-”

 

“You have no idea how to talk to a woman, do you?” she cut me off. I found her very intimidating and it put me off a bit.

 

“Other than Maddi, this is the longest conversation I’ve had with one. She’s the only one who’s ever given me more than a glance.”

 

“She sounds like quite a woman.”

 

“Oh she’s wonderful, I still can’t believe sometimes how I got so lucky.” 

 

“Well I’d love to meet her, I can ask her if you were ever this awkward around her.”

 

“I definitely was, but I’ve known her for so long, I got comfortable enough around her. I still get nervous in a sense of how much I love her, but it’s a comfortable nervousness.”

 

“Physics and Biochemistry? Sounds like she should be working with us,” she said and I never thought of it, but she would be incredibly fascinated with this entire project. I’m sure she would have a million questions I wouldn’t know how to answer if it all went well and I went back home to tell her.

 

We made it inside after going through an antique shop that was the cover for the entire project. There were many people in the lab for observation and for the actual workings of the experiment.

 

“Good morning,” Dr. Erkinstein said to me. He told me to take off my shirt and get into the machine. It was big and admittedly scary to be sitting in the machine. I met Howard Stark and immediately thought about how Maddi admired his work.  _ The man is a genius, I would love to talk about his work one day.  _ Is what she said to me once when we read an article about him in the paper. I’d have to tell her he was part of the whole process. They turned on the machine after giving me already painful penicillin. The capsule was enclosed and Stark started the machine. This was a pain I had never endured before but I wasn’t going to give up, not now. I told them not to shut it down after hearing yells outside because I wouldn’t give up.

  
  


 

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June 8, 1942

 

I sat in our bed reading a book when I heard the front door open. “Maddi?” I heard Steve’s voice and a huge smile immediately grew on my face. I quickly put my book down and got out of bed rushing towards the front door. 

 

“Steve-” I began to yell with joy for him but then cut myself off as I stopped dead in my tracks the moment I saw him. I froze with my eyes staring wildly at the man in front of me.

 

“Hi Mads,” the tall and broad man said. He sounded like Steve, and his face resembled Steve, but nothing else did. He fidgeted nervously after placing his bag it. 

 

“Wh-Wha…” I tried to form any words but was still speechless as I studied him. There was no way this was Steve, I felt like I had to have been dreaming he came home or just hallucinating. 

 

“It’s me, Maddi.” He took a step forward and I instinctively took one back so he stopped and had a frown set on his face. “I have a lot to explain, but I promise it’s me.” He rubbed the back of his neck and looked like he was trying to figure out what to say or do. “Can we sit down and talk?” I could only nod and we slowly walked to the sofa together and sat on opposite sides.

 

“Wha-How… What?” I tried again to express anything but it just wasn’t working. I was sitting next to a man who was a a half a foot taller than my Steve. He had more muscles than most men I’ve seen, and yet he still sounded like, had the same mannerisms like, and even in a way looked like my Steve. 

 

“There was a project the US Military was working on. A doctor had created a serum to turn a man into a super soldier. I was chosen to be the first person to be tested in this experiment. The serum made me stronger, faster, bigger. Maddi, I’m not sick anymore,” he said with a smile. My frown still hadn’t left my face. “There were supposed to be more men following me if it all went well, but there was a spy inside the room I was changed and he killed the doctor and the last of the serum got destroyed in the process. They don’t have any means of recreating it so I’m the only one now I guess.” He had a hidden look of excitement on his face and he quickly scooted closer to me on the sofa. I tensed, not knowing what to do or say.He looked down at his hands when he noticed my reaction. “I know it’s different; it sure does take some getting used to, but this is a good thing Maddi, I promise. I can protect you better now; you wot have to worry about me getting hurt on the streets anymore, that’s for sure. I can be the real man you deserved that can sweep you off your feet.” His words are what brought me out of my trance.

 

“You’ve always been more than the man I deserved Steve,” I whispered to him with a hint of sadness in my voice. I always wished he saw himself the way I saw him. I never needed him to look like this in order to feel swept off my feet whenever I was around him. 

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, it was really a top secret organization.” Looking at him was to hard, I decided. I turned away to think about everything he told me and everything I felt. I loved Steve exactly how he was before he left for the military, I didn’t want him to change. It was strange to feel that I would never see that version of Steve ever again, and it made me sad. Could I love this man that I almost didn’t recognize? I saw he held out his hand for me to take and even that was different. I took hold of it to see how it felt, and it was wrong. Steve had skinny frail hands that were usually cold due to his anemia. This Steve had hands as strong as the rest of him, and they were warmer than mine. I let go and turned back towards him. His eyes looked as sad as I felt. “Maddi, it’s still me. I’m still me, just… better.” I shook my head.

 

“You never needed to be better. This is all so strange, I didn’t even know something like this was humanly possible and I have spent a lot of time studying the human body.” 

 

“I know, but I thought you might be more happy about this. Or maybe fascinated by the science of it,” he smiled sheepishly at me and I pursed my lips together. In that moment I realized not everything physical about him had changed. His smile was exactly the same, at least the one he made when he was worried about what I would say. Then I thought of his smile when he was genuinely happy about how he changed; that smile reached his eyes just as they always had in the past. I then looked into his eyes and studied those, and they were definitely Steve’s eyes. They were a beautiful bright blue with hints of gray, they were the eyes I had gotten lost in countless of times. I then closed my own eyes and slowly lifted my hands to his face. “Maddi, what-” 

 

I cut him off by quietly saying “sssshhh”. His face felt slightly different, it was a little broader like the rest of him, but his skin was still soft. Then I felt his lips. They were the exact same lips I had kissed everyday for years. They were soft and felt no different than before he left a couple months before. I leaned in and kissed him and he immediately kissed back. He didn’t touch me at all with his hands because I think he was scared of making me react poorly like before but I slowly moved my hands from his cheeks and down to his arms. I kept on on his upper arm, getting used to the changes while I enjoyed the similarities of the kiss. Not only were his lips the same, but the way he kissed hadn’t changed. My other hand went to his and I laced my fingers in his to let him know it was okay to touch me back. He took his other hand and set it tentatively on my waist and I moved closer to him. My hand on his arm then moved to his chest and it was so strange and different, but it didn’t feel wrong. His lips on mine were a constant reminder that I was still touching Steve. It may not have been the Steve I was used to, but it was Steve, and his kiss was filled with all the love he held for me and I returned it with all the love I still held for him. I pulled away and kept my eyes closed. He leaned his forehead on mine and we stayed that way in silence for a few moments until he spoke.

 

“I missed you so much,” he said. I felt a tear slide down my face when I heard his words. I leaned back and looked him in the eyes. He saw my tears and softly wiped them away as I finally smiled.

 

“I never needed you to change,” I told him. “I would have been the happiest woman alive to have married you exactly the way you were and spend the rest of my life with you. This is very strange and I will not lie that it’s off putting.” he nodded his head with a frown. “But I love you so much that I cannot let that stop me from being with you.” I put my hand back on his cheek and he sadly smiled at me. “I always loved every part of you; I found you very attractive before. I still find you attractive because it’s you. It’s not what I’m used to, but it’s still you, and I will always love every part of you. You may have changed, but I look into your eyes and they haven’t. Our kiss was still our kiss, and your smile is still yours, and you voice is still the same. I missed you way too much to let this change come between us.” He smiled more than I had seen him smile since before he left. 

 

“I love you Maddi,” he told me as he kissed me again. I smiled back at him after our kiss and knew that I would adjust to the new Steve. He was still my Steve, and I knew that I would love any version of him. I couldn’t handle letting him go again.


	29. Chapter 29

June 8, 1942 (STEVE’S POV)

 

I hadn’t even thought about Maddi being upset by my changes until she started reacting poorly to me. I thought she would find it a wonderful thing like I did, but then I quickly realized she was nervous around me. I was worried that I had made a terrible mistake I couldn’t undo, but then she kissed me and I felt her love for me still there. After she told me it would take time getting used to this but she would try because she still loved me, I told her how I wouldn’t be going overseas soon. “What?” she questioned surprised. 

 

“They want to stick me in a lab to figure out everything about me and the serum because Dr. Erskine died. But Senator Brandt wants me touring the country to help sell bonds.”

 

“So you’ll still be leaving?” she asked with  frown.

 

“Yeah, first thing tomorrow.” I took hold of her hand and rubbed it with my thumb. I knew how much she hated being alone, and I hated leaving her but it was the only way I could serve my country.

 

“Then I’m coming with you,” she said with determination. I looked at her with surprise.

 

“Wait Maddi, what about your job?” 

 

“I hate that job,” she said. “They don’t let me do anything; they treat me like dirt. I can’t spend another day without you, especially now that you’re staying in the US. You really think I’m gonna let you travel all over without me? Oh no Rogers, from now on where you go, I go.” she was set on her plan.

 

“Maddi, that’s crazy! I don’t even know if I’m allowed to bring you,” I told her. I wanted her to come more than anything but I didn’t know if she could.

 

“Traveling has always been a dream of mine, you know that. And like I said, I missed you too much to spend another day here while you’re off who knows where. Where you go, I go.” She smiled at me and I knew I couldn’t say no. I decided I would make sure she would be allowed to come with or I wouldn’t go at all, I realized I couldn’t spend another day without her either. 

 

“Okay, I like that.”

 

“Where you go, I go,” she affirmed with a smile and I smile back at her. I laughed at her goofy grim and she then looked even happier if that was possible.

 

“And don’t forget where you go, I go too. After the war, I’ll follow you anywhere Madeline Bennett.”

 

“Your laugh is still the same too,” she observed. I wrapped my arm around her in a hug. Being around her was strange for me as well because she was so much smaller than me now. I had always been about the same height as her, maybe an inch taller. Now I stood over half a foot taller and she seemed so much skinnier than I remembered. Her hands were smaller too. I guess it was all just perspective.

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


February 28, 1943

 

I watched Steve do the same show in a new city and I watched with concern. I could tell this wasn’t what he wanted truly, but he insisted that he enjoyed it. He said he liked bringing hope to kids and other people, which I believed, but I knew he also wanted to be fighting and not pretending. There were times when I could tell he genuinely loved watching the kids light up with excitement. He enjoyed taking pictures with people and signing autographs; it was a whole new world neither of us were used to. There had even been a few pictures in the paper of the two of us labeled “Captain and Mrs. America?” It was strange for both of us to be seen as this persona and not Steve Rogers and Maddi Bennett. It wasn’t really the Mrs. I was looking for, I still thought about someday being Mrs. Rogers, but it was a little fun to play that role. I stood to the side as he met people and signed his name over and over as I always did. I was content being off to the side while Steve got to live a little in the spotlight. I wasn’t one who needed to be the center of attention so I was happy watching. I knew Steve had usually felt the same, but I also knew he had fun with what he was given. 

 

I made sure to stay out of the line of photos this time because reporters have a way of turning any photo into something it isn’t. About a week earlier, they captured a photo with Steve and a beautiful woman smiling at each other. They had only interacted for 5 seconds, but the photo was printed and I had been standing in the background. The writer made this ridiculous story that Steve was casting his fiance aside for a new girl. When Steve had read it, he became so concerned with how I would feel about it. I simply laughed it off. I told him that I saw the entire encounter: they had only said two words to each other. I was surprised they would make so many assumptions and lies just to peak interest in readers, it did frustrate me they would exploit us like that. However, Steve was worried I would also be upset with him and that’s what made me laugh the most. I told him I would never be mad at him over something so outrageous. He laughed with me when he realized he was freaking out for no reason. 

 

I had my own fun with the entire ordeal as well because people wanted to get to know the woman closest to Captain America. Steve and I often joked about how silly the name and really everything about this was together. I had been interviewed a few times. Most of the time, the questions were really about Captain America as opposed to Steve, so the interviews just turned into more pretending to help keep up the image the Senator wanted. 

 

I hated Senator Brandt. He was all about the image of Captain America, selling bonds, inspiring the US, and I understood the importance of it, but that image included getting rid of me. Steve told him that he wouldn’t do any of the shows without me there. The Senator thought it would make Steve less desirable if he wasn’t single.

 

_“She was not part of the deal,” Senator Brandt said when he found out I was staying with Steve while he traveled._

 

_“Well she is now; I won’t do this without her by my side,” Steve responded. I smiled at him and nodded my head along with his words._

 

_“Captain America cannot have a fiance that lives with him. There are too many things wrong with that.”_

 

_“And what would be so wrong, Senator?” I questioned with a frown._

 

_“For one thing, it will bring his public moral down to be living with a woman before being married. For another, women will be less drawn to him if he is taken.” My eyebrows furrowed and I did not hold back on my words to follow._

 

_“Senator, it is nobody’s business who Steve lives with, it has nothing to do with Captain America.” Separating the two had been the easiest way for me to handle these situations. “And I have no problems with less women being ‘drawn to him’ because we are engaged. That is a fact that you and the rest of the world will have to accept, it is one thing I will not separate in my mind between Steve and Captain America. We are engaged, and we will not lie about that, and I will not allow for him to be portrayed as America’s most eligible hero because he has been taken for many years. Any woman who would be drawn to him now that he will be touring and famous and probably one of the strongest men alive does not deserve him because she wouldn’t have given him the time of day a month ago. That is disrespectful to Steve, to me, to our relationship to even suggest such a thing.” I was not having it any longer and I could see Steve had an impressed look on his face from my words. I tended to be the one to peak up for the two of us in hard situations._

 

_“I agree,” Steve said. “Maddi will be my wife and if we will be in the public eye, then I want everyone to know about it and about her.” He took my hand and squeezed it and I squeezed back. It took him a while to learn his own strength because sometimes he would squeeze to hard or hug me too tightly, but he slowly got the hang of it as I slowly got used to it as well._

 

_“We haven’t even started and you two are causing me problems already,” Brandt replied. “Fine, you can come and you can play Captain’s sweetheart. But you will be coached on how to be interviewed because I will not allow any other kind of image besides a sweetheart, got it?” I grit my teeth and squeezed Steve’s hand a bit more to let him know how annoyed I was but I replied regardless._

 

_“Fine, I’ll be the perfect ‘sweetheart’ to Captain America.”_

 

I had been told many times after that to remember my end of the deal, and Steve hated it as much as I did. He told me that he always saw me as a partner and an equal. _“Honestly I see you as a bit above me most of the time.”_ He had said with a chuckle when we talked about it later. To Senator Brandt and the rest of the world, I was the typical future wife below the future husband. America couldn’t have a hero that had anybody equal to him, especially not his fiance. So I continued my role as best I could and just tried to support Steve when he was feeling down as well. 

 

_“Are you sure you want to keep doing this? You were meant for more than this Steve.” He occasionally felt humiliated after doing his performances._

 

_“It’s my best option,” he replied and I sighed._

 

_“Steve…”_

 

_“I’m okay Mads really. This is better than being stuck in a lab or doing really nothing at home. Besides, it’s kinda cool how much people love me now right?” I smiled sadly at him and just nodded my head._

 

_“As long as you’re happy, so am I… I’ll follow you anywhere okay?” He smiled back at me._

 

_“I know, and I love you for it.”_

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


**A/N: Thanks so much for all the support! I hope you enjoyed this one as well!**

 


	30. Chapter 30

June 25, 1943 (STEVE’S POV)

 

“Happy Birthday sweetheart,” I whispered to Maddi as my watched reached midnight. She had her head resting on my shoulder as we were on a train headed to Chicago.

 

“Hmmm, it is my birthday, isn’t it?” She replied.

 

“Yes it is,” I chuckled at her sleepy voice. “I got you something. It’s not much, I didn’t really get around to finding you something better. I’ll try to make next year a bit-”

 

“Shhhhh,” she stopped me from continuing. Her head was still on my shoulder, as she said “You worry too much, that should be my job.” She then lifted her head and looked at me. “Show me, I’m excited now!” I opened my closed hand to reveal a small locket necklace. “This is beautiful!” when she opened it, it revealed a picture of us on one side and ‘NYC’ written on the other. 

 

“I know it’s not where you are from, but it’s where we met and grew up together and lived together so I think of it as our home. I figured that no matter where this whole gig takes us, you’ll still have a bit of home with you.” She leaned in and kissed me as she took the necklace.

 

“You really do worry over nothing sometimes. This is a wonderful gift, Steve.” she looked at it for a bit and then asked me to put it on her. “It’s never coming off,” she said with a smile and I smiled back. We sat a talked for a bit longer and somehow the chorus girls on tour were brought up. I teased her about joining them for a show.

 

“Are you kidding me Rogers?” She asked me with a laugh. “There is no way I’d ever be able to do such a thing.” 

 

“Come on, you have the best voice I’ve ever heard and you’re an amazing dancer. If you can teach me to dance, you must be great!” she giggled and shook her head.

 

“I sing and dance with you, not with entire cities.”

 

“Performing isn’t that bad, I think you’d get the hang of it.” She squinted her eyes at me in suspicion.

 

“I thought that was your least favorite part about all of this,” she accused.

 

“Maybe it used to be, but I sure have gotten the hang of it.” I had all my lines memorized after a while and the shows weren’t too bad when it made all those kids happy. 

 

“Well, I don’t think I really see myself pulling off those outfits the girls wear.” 

 

“Mmm, I’d think you’d look better in it,” I smirked at her and she playfully hit my shoulder. 

 

“Steven Grant Rogers! I am sorry, but I will not be wearing an outfit like that anytime in the near future.” We laughed together.

 

“I’m just saying you’d look great in anything,” I reply putting my hands up in defense. “Nothing more.” She gave me yet another suspicious look as I joked. “Honestly, it doesn’t matter how impressive the experiment made me look, I still don’t compare to how perfect you look.” I meant every word I said. Maddi was gorgeous and I still felt like she was out of my league. She blushed at my words and yawned without realizing it. “You should go to sleep for a bit. I don’t know when we’ll be getting there.” She nodded her head and rested it back on my shoulder. I settled mine on top of hers lightly and dozed off myself. 

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


November 3, 1943

 

The air itself was more solemn in Italy. I stood to the side as Steve was on stage in front of a crowd of soldiers. He certainly did not get the reactions from these men that he was used to getting from the children he usually performed for. I could see him struggling with it and I knew he felt humiliated up there pretending to be this hero while he was standing in front of who he thought were the true heroes. Steve didn’t want me coming overseas with him to these shows when he found out he was being sent here, but I simply would not have it.

 

_ “We’ve talked about this, Steve. From now on, I go where you go.” _

 

_ “This is different, Mads. I’m not taking you somewhere that dangerous. Most of Europe is not safe, and I want you staying here where you are safe.”  _

 

_ “I’ll be safe whenever I’m with you.” He looked at me with suspicion. “I want to go, we can protect each other. Besides, it’s not like I will be thrown into a battle.” _

 

_ “We’ll probably be very near the frontlines, this isn’t some vacation anymore.” _

 

_ “Steve, I know it’s scary to think of me going over there, but it’s scary for me to think of you going there too. This will ease that for me and I deserve that much. We will be together and that’s all that I think matters right now.” He thought about it for a few moments and then gave in.  _

 

_ “Okay, we’ll go together.” I smiled at him and nodded in response. _

 

As much as I’d rather him being safer on stage than fighting with the men here, I knew that was wrong of me. He was more than this, I had told him before that he deserved to be happy and this wasn’t making him happy. I didn’t know how to help him though; it’s not like I had any connections in the US army to help him be taken more seriously. He left the stage before I even realized it, so I went to look for him. He wasn’t directly behind the stage by the time I got there so I continued to walk around the camp looking. I eventually found him by himself drawing in a small sketchbook. There was a woman who walked up to him and he looked up. “Hi,” I heard him say with surprise in his voice. “What are you doing here?”   
  
“Well, officially, I’m not here at all.” She said softly, taking a seat beside him. “That was quite the performance.”   
  
“Oh, yeah…” he murmured. “I had to improvise a little. The audiences I’m used to are a little more… twelve.” 

 

“It’s certainly a different experience out here in more ways than one.” I spoke and the two looked over at me. Steve sadly smiled, understanding what I meant. “Hello, I’m Madeline Bennett.” I stick my hand out to the woman in front of me and introduce myself. 

 

“Ah yes, Steve had told me quite a bit about his fiance, Maddi.” she smiled as she shook my hand. “I’m Agent Peggy Carter. I was part of the team that was in charge of the super soldier project. So I’m to understand that you’re America’s new hope,” she said to Steve.   
  
“The bonds take a ten percent bump in every state I visit,” he replied.   
  
“Is that Senator Brandt I hear?” she asked.

 

“Oh yes, and what a wonderful man he is,” I said sarcastically and Peggy chuckled at my words clearly understanding his character.    
  
“At least he’s got me doing this. If it were up to Phillips, I’d be stuck in a lab.”   
  
“And these are your two options?—A lab rat or a dancing monkey?” She questioned, motioning towards his doodle. “You were meant for more than this you know.”

 

“Hmmm, seems like we think alike,” I told her.   
  
Steve looked around, unsure of what to say for a second and then gave a sigh. “You know, for the longest time I dreamed of coming overseas and being on the frontlines, serving my country. I finally got everything I wanted and… I’m wearing tights.” My heart broke for him as I knew despite enjoying some of the attention brought on him back in America, this was definitely not what he wanted. Just then, another medical jeep came driving into the campsite, skidding to a stop beside the medical tent and unloading more wounded soldiers. “They look like they’ve been through hell,” Steve said.   
  
“These men more than most,” Peggy began, continuing as both Steve and I gave her a look of curiosity. “Schmidt sent out a force to Azzano. Two hundred men went up against him and less than fifty returned. Your audience contained what was left of the 107th. The rest were either killed or captured.” My breath caught in my throat as I heard her words.   
  
“The 107th?” Steve asked with concern clearly on the same page as I was.

 

“Bucky,” I whispered to him with fear in my eyes.    
  
Steve sprinted towards a tent, and Peggy and I quickly followed after him. As I entered the tent, I saw the man in charge begin to address Steve. “Well if it isn’t the star-spangled man with a plan? Tell me, what is your plan today?” He asked with a complete lack of interest, sifting through numerous papers on the table he sat at.   
  
“I need the casualty list from Azzano.” Steve answered, ignoring his jab.   
  
“You don’t get to give me orders,” the Colonel replied and I remained quiet during the entire ordeal. It was clear Steve knew the man, and I still was silent due to how worried I was for Bucky.    
  
“I just need one name, sir. Sergeant James Barnes from the 107th.”   
  
The man’s weary eyes glanced over at the Peggy and pointed his pencil towards her in an accusing manner. “You and I are going to have a very long conversation later that you won’t enjoy.”   
  
“Please, tell me if he’s alive, sir.” Steve pleaded, returning the topic to his friend. “B-A-R-”   
  
“I can spell.”   
  
There was an uncomfortably long silence as my heart was racing as we waited for an answer. The man rose from his seat and gave an exasperated, husky sigh. “I have signed more of these condolence letters today than I would care to count,” he began. “But… the name does sound familiar. I’m sorry.”

 

“No,” I said in disbelief. Tears were beginning to form in my eyes. It felt like a cruel joke. One of my two best, and only, friends was taken by our enemy. Our sweet stupid lovable Bucky was either held who knows where or possibly already dead. 

 

“I’m sorry, who is this?” the man said, I assumed referring to me.   
  
“She’s with me, sir. What about the others?” I could barely hear Steve say as I struggled to focus on anything. “Are you planning a rescue mission?”   
  
“Yeah, it’s called winning the war.”   
  
“So if you know where they are, why not at least—”   
  
“They’re thirty miles behind the lines through some of the most heavily fortified territory in Europe.” He interrupted. “We’d lose more men than we’d save. But I don’t expect you to understand because you’re a chorus girl.”   
  
“I think I understand just fine.”   
  
“Well, then take the civilian girl away from my tent and go understand somewhere else.” He walked away towards another table and read over more documents. “If I read the posters correctly, you’ve got someplace to be in thirty minutes.”   
  
Steve looked over at a map and said “yes, sir, I do.” He said, marching out of the tent in seconds. It took me a moment to realize it and I quickly followed him. I was truly out of my trance as I started to guess what Steve was planning to do.   
  
  
“What do you plan to do?—Walk to Austria?” Peggy voiced what I had been thinking.   
  
“If that’s what it takes,” he replied.   
  
“You heard the colonel; your friend is most likely dead.” It stung to hear her say that but it was true. I couldn’t lose Steve and Bucky in one day.   
  
“You don’t know that.”   
  
“Even so, he’s devising a strategy. If he detects—”   
  
“By the time he’s done that, it could be too late!” Steve snapped back.

 

“Steve,” I finally said in a soft voice that got his attention. He relaxed a bit as he looked at me with apologetic eyes. “You can’t seriously be thinking about doing this.” He sighed and took a couple steps toward me. He rubbed his hand on my arm to comfort me but it just brought more tears to my eyes.

 

“Mads, I have to. It’s Bucky, I can’t leave him there.” 

 

“And you can’t leave me here!” I replied angrily. “This is too dangerous Steve, I can’t lose both of you.”

 

“You’re not going to,” he put his hand on my face and I leaned into it. “You both told me you thought I was more that this, did you mean it?”

 

I struggled with my words but only because I knew in my heart that I did mean it, but I was too scared now that his opportunity had come. “Every word,” I finally admitted.

 

“Then you gotta let me go,” I closed my eyes as I cried more from his words. How could I just let him go? Losing Steve had never felt more real than this, and I could barely handle the idea of it in the past. Would Bucky want this? He didn’t even know how much Steve had physically changed, but that didn’t make him invincible. 

 

“I can do more than that,” Peggy said. She then explained how she had a pilot and a plane that could take him right where he needed to go. I looked at her and I could tell she considered Steve a friend. She didn’t want him to go either, but she knew just as well as I did that he would go even without our approval. I sometimes really hated his compassion for others and his strong will. 

 

“Dammit Steve,” I whispered. “Why do you do this to me?” He chuckled but I could tell he didn’t really find any of this funny. He kissed my forehead and took my hand with his free one. 

 

“I’ll come back to you,” he said but I knew that was a promise he really couldn’t guarantee. 

 

“Okay,” I told him. “Only if I go on the plane with the two of you though.” Steve looked exasperated. 

 

“Maddi, are you kidding me?”

 

“Ms. Bennett, that’s probably not a good idea…” Peggy tried to say but I shook my head.

 

“I go where you go,” Steve looked at me like I was crazy. “I know I can’t actually go with you to save him, I would be more of a bother than a help in a situation like that, but I can go on the plane.” 

 

Steve was clearly torn between his emotions, and I found it oddly satisfying because that’s exactly how he made me feel. “Gahh, this is going to be a mistake,” he said mostly to himself. “Okay you can come.” Agent Carter looked worried but nodded her head regardless. She took us to find her pilot and when I saw who it was I freaked out. It almost made me forget all the crappy things happening when I met Howard Stark. We sat on the plane as we started to fly.

 

“You know you will be in a lot of trouble tonight,” Steve said to Peggy and I. She was certainly not allowed to be helping him, and I was sure I wasn’t even allowed to know most of the stuff I had been hearing from all the government official people.

 

“And you won’t?” She asked. I sighed knowing she was very right. 

 

Steve shrugged. "Where I'm going, if anybody yells at me, I can just shoot them."   
  
"They will undoubtedly shoot back."   
  
"Well," Steve hit his prop stage shield from where it was resting beside him, "let's hope it's good for something."

 

“Stark is the best civilian pilot I’ve ever seen,” she informed us a few minutes later. 

 

“It is truly a pleasure to meet you Mr. Stark.” I said. “I’ve studied your work, and I saw your presentation at the World Exposition in New York last year.”

 

“Really? What else do you study?” He asked. “Oh and call me Howard please.” 

 

“I have received my majors in Biochemistry and Physics. I’ve worked in a lab that researches human reactions to diseases. I’ve also had some minor experiences in the engineering field during my schooling. Mostly in manufacturing for the war.”

 

“Well you’ll have to come look at some of the stuff I’ve been working on recently. Lots of war effort projects that the public doesn’t get to see. I’m sure you have heard all about my part in the experiment with Steve?” he asked.

 

“He’s told me what he could, but the science behind it wasn’t really something he remembered much about. I would be so honored to talk about it with you, and see what else you have.” Despite the circumstances, I was giddy inside about meeting this man. I smiled at Steve and he gave me a small smile back knowing how excited I was. 

 

 "This is your transponder. Activate it when you're ready and the signal will lead us straight to you,” Peggy said as she held up the object and passed it over to Steve, who took a deep breath and straightened. He looked over the transponder in his hands, forcing himself to focus back on the mission. "Are you sure this thing works?"   
  
Howard snorted. "It's been tested more than you, pal."

 

We then heard explosions and gunshots as Howard tried to fly through it. Steve jumped up and went near the door, Peggy followed him giving him a radio to reach us when he was ready to leave.

 

“As soon as I jump, you turn this thing the hell around and get out of here,” Steve yelled over the loud wind coming from the opened door.

 

“You can’t give me orders,” she replied.

 

“The hell I can’t, I’m a Captain.” Steve jumped out of the plane after he spoke and my heart raced. Peggy told Howard to turn the plane around and we flew back out of the enemy lines. We waited for Steve to radio us but it was taking much longer than we had hoped. None of us spoke as we worried for him. Howard was getting low on fuel and told us we had t turn around to go back. I started crying again knowing that if we left, Steve was probably gone for good. 

 

“We can’t! What if he calls,” I said.

 

“Madeline, we can’t stay here anymore. I’m so sorry, we have to go back,” Peggy told me. She sat next to me and held my hand. I barely knew her and she was being so kind to me. I knew it was strange but I didn’t care because I was so distraught, I hugged her as I cried even harder. He couldn’t be dead, I wouldn’t believe it. I had to hope he would somehow make it out of there, but I knew we couldn’t stay. Peggy was polite enough to hug me in return, she didn’t seem like someone who was used to hugging and comforting people, but she did her best all the same and I was very grateful for it. I had to keep believing Steve would make it, or I would have to face the idea of truly being alone from now on.


	31. Chapter 31

November 4, 1943

 

“In the time being, you can stay in my quarters. I know Howard wanted you to look at his projects, but maybe it is best to go home… to your family?” 

 

“I don’t have any other family,” I responded to Peggy after she spoke. “Bucky and Steve are my family.” No more tears fell from my face as we stood back at the base. It was very late at night, almost dawn actually. Peggy looked down and nodded. 

 

“You should rest,” she said to me as she walked me to where she usually slept. Before she left, she turned back to me and said “I’m so sorry.”

 

“I believe Steve is still alive,” I told her before she could continue. “And I don’t blame you for his actions that brought us here. I have faith that Steve will find his way back, and I will be praying tonight that God sees it true.” She smiled at me.

 

“Faith: it’s a wonderful thing to have. I admire you still holding on to it as it’s what led me to believe he could take on this rescue mission,” she replied. I smiled lightly I return and she left me alone. I knelt by the bed and did the sign of the cross before doing my nightly prayers, this time making sure Steve’s safety and return was at the center of them. Afterwards I fell to the bed, exhausted from all that had happened and found myself quickly falling asleep.

 

I woke to the sound of cheering and laughter and a lot of people talking. I didn’t know how long I had been asleep, but I knew it was still the same day. I slowly got up and went outside to see what was going on when I heard “Let’s hear it for Captain America!” I immediately started towards the voice that sounded all too familiar. As I squeezed through the crowd of men, I reached the middle where I saw Steve and Bucky standing next to each other. I ran the few remaining steps into Steve’s arms and he quickly held on to me tightly. 

 

“You can’t scare me like that,” I told him before he kissed me.

 

“I’ll try not to anymore,” he smiled at me and I shook my head with a smirk. As we ended our embrace, I turned to my friend I hadn’t seen in so long. 

 

“You still put up with this guy?” he asked me and I pulled him into a hug. 

 

“I missed you so much, Bucky.”

 

“I missed you too, Red.” 

 

“Red?” I asked with a laugh. 

 

“Honestly, I forgot how red your hair is.” He chuckled with his reply. “Now that Steve is all shiny and new, he can really see that red hair and not just try his best guessing with his drawings, huh?”

 

“I’ve always known it was red, Jerk.” Steve was laughing right along with us.

 

“Sure but your shades were never quite right before, Punk. Maddi was just being too kind to criticize it.”

 

“I loved the drawings then and I love them now. Besides, it’s not like we have an array of colored pencils lying around,” I told them.

 

“I’ll have to just stick to the black and white for now,” Steve told me.

 

“Sounds perfect to me,” I replied. For those moments it felt like nothing had changed. We were back in Brooklyn just teasing each other and having a good laugh about really nothing. I never wanted it to end, but war didn’t stop just because we wanted it to. It was back to business very quickly, and I was taken with Steve to be formally introduced to Colonel Phillips as we walked to the main building of the base. 

 

“I said this already, I shouldn’t have to say it again: she is a civilian. She needs to be taken away from this area. I know she’s your girlfriend, but I don’t care,” Phillips said. 

 

Before we could reply, Howard Stark Wales in and spoke up. “Actually, I want her on my team. She’s a scientist, I could use a mind like hers to figure out the new toys we found.”

 

I stared at him in awe and confusion. He didn’t even know if I was good enough to help him. I would like to think I was, but I didn’t really know either. I didn’t know want to say. 

 

“Thank you Howard,” Steve said. Phillips did not look pleased with the outcome. 

 

“Madeline, come with me. I have even more than I anticipated to show you.” I nodded quickly and followed him. As we left the room, I got the courage to ask what was on my mind. 

 

“Why did you help me? I could be an awful scientist for all you know.”

 

“You’re not, right?” He asked and it threw my confidence off a little more. I didn’t get a chance to answer when he continued. “You followed you’re fiancé into enemy lines. That either makes you crazy, confident, or both. I personally find both traits to be important in what I do, so I see potential in you, prove me right please.” 

 

“Yes, yes of course!” I said right away with a goofy grin on my face. 

 

“Now here are a few weapons that were brought back today. It’s time to have some fun,” he smiled at me and I returned it, ready to work as best I could. After working for a few hours with the weapons, we were studying the core of what seemed to be the power source of them all. “Seems harmless enough,” Stark said while closely observing it from behind a glass. “hard to see what all the fuss is about.” At that moment I was standing farther back than he was when the object exploded and set us flying back as the glass broke. I groaned as I pushed myself up. I had a few cuts from the glass, and probably some bruises forming, but I was otherwise alright. “Write that down,” he told me. I gave him a nod along with a shocked looking smile and a chuckle. He looked back at me and started laughing. Soon we were both laughing our heads off surrounded by other scientists trying to get things back in order. 

 

 

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November 5, 1943 (STEVE’S POV)

 

I had gotten situated in a room the day before. Maddi was staying in the same quarters as Peggy, it was very kind of her to offer to share the space as there was really no other place for Maddi to sleep. I thought about her as I walked to find Howard Stark and discuss uniform and defense gear. I loved seeing Maddi’s face light up when Howard asked her to work with him. It was clearly like a dream come true for her. I was hoping to also catch her when I found Stark because I really only spent the brief reunion time with her before we were both doing separate things. I didn’t know how long I would be here before I would have to go back to the frontlines and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. I walked in to the main building of operations and saw a woman reading the paper at her desk. “Excuse me, I’m looking for Mr. Stark,” I asked her.

 

“He’s in with Colonel Phillips,” the woman replied while still reading and then she glanced up at me. “Of course, you’re welcome to wait.” I nodded my head politely and went to lean against a nearby desk. “I read about what you did,” she said as she held up her paper with news about the rescue on the front cover. 

 

“Oh yeah, well that’s ya know. Just doing what needed to be done.” I stumbled through my words as she put the paper down on the desk. 

 

“Sounded like more than that, you saved more than 400 men.” After her response, she stared at me in an uncomfortably familiar way. She was looking me up and down, but not in disgust like I was used most of my life, but more like I had been stared at the past year by women I didn’t even know. These were women who would have given me that rude look in the past. 

 

“Really it’s not a big deal,” I told her plainly trying to brush off her advances at furthering the conversation. She, however, stood up and started walking towards me. 

 

“Tell that to their wives.” I crossed my arms trying to think how to divert the attention away. It was getting further than I had dealt with in the past.

 

“Uh, I don’t think they were all married,” I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked away from her.

 

“You’re a hero,” she said as she was very close to me. I kept fumbling and was feeling very awkward. I was mostly praying for an interruption of some kind because I didn’t want to be impolite. 

 

“Well that depends on the definition of-” I was cut off by her grabbing my tie and saying her next words.

 

“The women of America, they owe you their thanks.” She pulled me up by the tie and brought me away from the doorway and I felt stuck in place. I didn’t know what to do; I had not ever being in a situation like this. She continued to say “and seeing as they’re not here-” This time I cut her off with my words.

 

“I have a fiance,” I blurted. “Madeline Bennett.” I hoped this would stop her but she spoke again.

 

“I don’t see her either,” she smirked. “So I think she’d want me to give you this.” She immediately kissed me and I freaked and froze for a second. As quick as I realized what happened, I pushed her away. At the very same time I pushed her, I heard Peggy Carter’s voice.

 

“Captain,” she said sternly. I had already pulled apart from the woman with lightning speed when Peggy continued. “We’re ready for you, if you’re not otherwise occupied.” she started walking away.

 

“Agent Carter, wait.” I said as I tried to catch up with her.

 

“I’ll have you know that I find Madeline to be a remarkable, intelligent, and kind woman.”

 

“Peggy that’s not what you thought it was,” I tried to explain but I was panicking on the inside. I felt awful for letting it get that far and I was scared what happened would hurt Maddi. 

 

“I don’t think anything about that Captain, I only suggest you figure it out with Madeline before I help her figure it out on her own.” She gave me a firm glance. “As far as I can see, you always wanted to be a soldier and now you are, just like all the rest.” I stopped in place and shook my head, more worried than I was before. She was right: I had plenty of opportunity to stop that kiss before it happened but I was too stupid to do so. She was walking through the door before I could say anything else.

 

I quickly found Howard after and I immediately asked if Maddi was working where we were going.

 

“Yeah, she’s actually a really good addition to my team. She’s been helping me with your suit materials.” I was too focused on what I was going to say to her to really be listening. “Is everything alright with you two?” 

 

“Uh, I don’t know” I try to say but my brain was all over the place.

 

“Oh I get that, my friend. The moment you think you know what’s going on in a woman’s head is the moment your goose is well and truly cooked.” 

 

“That’s not,” I tried to explain my problem was Maddi, it was me, but I decided to forget it it with Howard. “Nevermind. I actually had some ideas for the uniform.” I pulled out a few sketches ashe nodded his head in approval. We walked over to his display of suit material and I saw Maddi standing near them with a clipboard in hand checking over everything. She looked up as I walked closer and I tried to act normal in the time being; I would tell her everything that happened once we were alone. 

 

“Hey there handsome,” she said with her gorgeous smile. I smiled slightly back at her. She walked over and kissed me a hello on the cheek. “We were just finishing up your options here, shall we have a look?” she asked and I nodded back. Howard went on explaining the different clothing type I would wear and then asked about the shield. 

 

“It’s handier than you think,” I told him. He showed me the different shields he had come up with and I had spotted a slick circular one below the rest. 

 

“That one’s just a prototype,” He said as I picked it up, surprised at how it felt.

 

“What’s it made of?” I asked.

 

“Vibranium,” Maddi answered. “It’s stronger than steel and a third the weight.” 

 

“It’s completely vibration absorbent,” Stark added. 

 

“How come it’s not standard issue?” I questioned.

 

“It’s the rarest metal on Earth. That’s all we got,” he answered.

 

“You quite finished, Mr. Stark?” I heard Peggy walk in and I got nervous thinking she would tell Maddi before I did about what happened. “I’m sure the Captain has some unfinished business.” She turned to Maddi and smiled, “Hello Maddi, it’s wonderful to see you getting well acclimated here. I do enjoy having you around.” 

 

“What do you think?” I asked before Maddi could reply, trying to get their attention away from discussing any further. Peggy stared at me hard and then picked up a gun and fired four rounds at the shield. I hid behind it quickly and I heard Maddi yelp from behind the table. When she finished, I slowly lifted my head above the shield. 

 

“Peggy?!” Maddi said with shock filling her voice. 

 

“Yes, I think it works.” Peggy told me as she put the gun down. “Sorry for frightening you, Maddi. I’ll see you in our quarters later.” She walked out with no other words spoken.

 

“Now what in the world was that about?” Maddi asked me and Stark was still looking just as bewildered. 

 

“Maddi, I have to tell you something.” She nodded for me to continue. I looked around to see the other people in the room go back to what they were doing. I stepped closer so I could speak quieter. “A woman kissed me today and Peggy saw before it ended.” she furrowed her eyebrows as she looked up at me. She then looked around and saw Howard looking at us as well as a few other people, clearly they heard what I said. She grabbed my wrist and took me to another room that was empty. 

 

“Why would you say that? And in front of everyone?”

 

“I’m sorry, I was just worried and I didn’t want to keep it a secret from you. It was stupid, I didn’t kiss her back and I pushed her away as quick as I could. I was just trying to be polite but she wouldn’t leave me alone, I didn’t want Peggy to tell you before I did.” I spoke fast and tried to explain myself as best I could.

 

“There’d be nothing to tell if you would have stopped it before it even happened. It sounds like you had the opportunity to.” She looked me with hurt in her eyes, but she was trying to mask it with anger. 

 

“I’m sorry Maddi, I really am. I told her you were my fiance, I thought she would back off but she just grabbed me and kissed me. I stopped it the moment I realized what happened, I was just frozen for a second.” She thought quietly for a moment and looked away.

 

“Why were you with this woman, who even is she?”

 

“I think her name is Private Lorraine. I was looking for you and Howard.”

 

“And you just found her lips instead?” she snapped back and I took a step back. I hesitated but reached out for her regardless.

 

“I should have done something, anything, differently. I’m so sorry,” I said while taking her hand. She didn’t look at me but she didn’t let go. 

 

“You’ve embarrassed me, you know?” she sighed and looked at me. “We’re engaged.”

 

“I know, of course I know,” I replied.

 

“Now I have to go and explain what happened to Peggy, and Howard. I need their respect, and how am I supposed to prove that I’m strong and capable when I allow my husband to be to be kissed by other women?” I felt so much guilt inside. I didn’t want her to have this weighing on her, I was an idiot for letting it happen. “You promise that you pulled away as soon as you could? And that you didn’t kiss back at all? She forced herself on to you?” she asked me while looking directly into my eyes to search for any lies.

 

“I promise, I would never ever do that to you, Madeline.” she looked a few more seconds at me and I held her gaze. She eventually started to nod her head.

 

“I believe you.” I let out a breath and smiled a little with relief. “You know, you need to learn how to handle yourself with women like her. Remember I liked you before AND after the serum.” 

 

“I could never forget,” I smiled wider and pulled her closer. She smirked up at me. “I’ve never had eyes for anyone but you, Mads.” 

 

“Good, because we’ve been through too much together to call it quits now.” I nodded back at her and she reached up to kiss me and I returned it. We hadn’t really kissed since I got back from rescuing Bucky. 

 

“I love you,” I told her.

 

“I love you.” she stepped back from me with a smile. “Now go, I have to get back to work. I’ll see you later.”

 

“I’ll see you later,” I respond.


	32. Chapter 32

December 9, 1943

 

“I don’t like sleeping away from you,” I told Steve as he returned from a mission. He had already reported to Colonel Phillips and we were eating dinner together. Steve had brought together a team of men he believed to be the best in taking down Hydra, and they had been working with Phillips and Agent Carter. He was gone a lot, so I tried to distract myself with the work I was doing with Howard. However, even when he was home, we didn’t sleep in the same room.

 

“I don’t either.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I’ve tried getting approval to share a small room together when I’m back, but we aren’t married and it’s not allowed.” I nodded my head and sighed in response. I thought about how long we had been engaged, and how long we had been dating before that. We were always waiting, putting other things first. I had been thinking about it for a while, but I didn’t want to distract Steve with it. When everyone thought he died, I panicked thinking we would never be married if he actually did die. But then he was fine, and I pushed my worries aside because he had bigger issues to deal with.

 

“If it isn’t the dynamite duo?” We heard Bucky’s voice as he entered the pub.

 

“Hello Bucky, how are you?” I asked and he pulled up a chair.

 

“When was the last time I crashed a date of yours? Had to be at least two years ago,” he said with a smile and I laughed.

 

“You’re always welcome. We missed you so much,” I told him.

 

“I know, you two have been telling me for the past month.”

 

“Bucky you would be so amazed at the stuff Howard and I are working with right now. It’s stuff you only read about in science fiction.” I saw Steve shift uncomfortably but I didn’t say anything about it.

 

“Well you two have made a lot of the gadgets we use, I know Steve is in love with his shield.”

 

“It’s very useful,” Steve said.

 

“I’m glad you like it so much! I never knew something like it could exist.” I smiled at him and he genuinely smiled back. “Howard has taught me so much in just the short time I’ve worked with him,” I told both of them with enthusiasm. “I can’t believe I’m really working with him, and I really feel he likes working with me! I was so nervous about it, but I’ve impressed him enough that I think he really sees me as smart and a good worker!”

 

“Well we’ve always seen you like that, Mads” Steve replied.

 

“I know, but it’s different. He’s so well respected in his field, and to get approval from him is everything.” Steve didn’t respond.

 

“I’m happy for you, Red.” Bucky said. He had been calling me that more recently and I always sneered at it. I began to realize he was doing it just to annoy me, which I shouldn’t be surprised since he did things like that all the time to tease Steve and I.

 

Later that evening when it was just Steve and I again, I asked him why he seemed off at dinner after Bucky arrived. “Should I have asked him to leave? I’m sure he would have if we told him we wanted to be alone.”

 

“No, it’s not that. You know I love having Bucky around too.”

 

“Then what was it?” I asked.

 

“I guess I just feel kinda weird when you talk about Stark like that,” he said while looking down.

 

“Like what?” I was confused.

 

“I know you’ve always admired him, but now you two are always together. And I know his reputation with women, it just feels strange to hear you talk so fondly of him now that you are so close to him.” I stopped walking and turned to him in shock.

 

“Steve, are you jealous?” I asked with my eyes wide.

 

“No! I just don’t always feel comfortable with the situation, I guess it’s hard to deal with…” he trailed off in his words.

 

“You think it’s easy dealing with the new attention you get from all these women for over a year?” I had found the woman who kissed Steve and confronted her not long after I found out about it. I made it very clear that I would not tolerate that kind of advances towards my fiance. She hadn’t done anything since so I assumed she got the message. I would report her if I heard it happening again. “You really can’t handle me having a friendship with Howard? I’m friends with Bucky.”

 

“That’s different, he’s been our friends since we were teenagers. I don’t have to worry about him trying to make the moves on you.” I looked at him with a more serious face.

 

“You’re right it’s different, Howard is a new friend but that’s as far as the differences go.I’ve never fantasized about him the way women do; I admire his work, his mind. That’s all, so there’s no way I’d see him as any more than a friend.” I was a bit annoyed with him suggesting things like this.

 

“That’s what scares me. I know how much smarter both of you are than me! You two just spend so much time together now.”

 

“You’re kidding right? You’ve always been beyond the intelligence you think you are. Steve, I wouldn’t have stayed with someone I thought was dumb for all these years. You need to get this idea out of your head because like you said you only have eyes for me… well I have only had eyes for you for a very long time, and I do not see that changing anytime soon.” I wanted to point out that he was only acting dumb. “And of course we spend time together, we work together. You work with Peggy all the time, but I’m not worried about you two. Howard respects you, he would never try anything with me. Besides, he knows I’d make him regret it.” Steve chuckled knowing I could handle giving Howard a punch or two if it really ever came to that.

 

“I guess you’re right.”

  
 

“Peggy is your friend, like Howard is mine. And Howard is your friend and Peggy is mine, it’s a good thing for us to have friends. We’ve only had Bucky and each other for so long, it’s nice having people around when you two are gone. They’re both very good at distracting me or making me feel better when I get worried.” Peggy and Steve were friends again after I had convinced her that the kiss she saw was completely one sided. She was weary at first, I was very shocked at how she defended me after only knowing me a few days. I could tell that she was a very good person, and I was glad to have become her friend. She was certainly someone I felt like I could rely on.

 

“I’m sorry my trips worry you,” he wrapped his arm around me and shrugged.

 

“I know they’re necessary. I’ll be alright.” He kissed me on the head and nodded.

 

“I’m sorry for acting crazy about this, I guess I just miss you too much.”

 

“I miss you too.”

  
 

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January 4, 1944 (STEVE’S POV)

 

Maddi came running towards me on the verge of tears. She jumped into my arms. This last mission was a close call to all of us never coming back. I could tell she was rattled from it, and I didn’t blame her. I just held her close as I also had been worried at the idea of never coming back to her again.

 

“I don’t want to wait anymore,” she says to me as the tears finally come. I looked at her with concern in my eyes. “I can’t wait anymore.”

 

“Maddi, I can’t stop going out there-” she cut me off my shaking her head.

 

“No, every time you leave, I never know if I’ll see you again. I want to be married to you, I’ve wanted it for years. I can’t wait anymore.” I looked at her with a shocked expression. I thought she was asking me to stop going on missions.

 

“I don’t want to wait either, but we don’t have anything planned.”

 

“I don’t care, we’ll find a priest, I’ll find any white dress I can find out there. I want to marry you before you go back.” I smiled at her wider than I had smiled in a long time.

 

“Okay, let’s do it!” I told her and she gave me a big goofy grin. She immediately went to find Phillips to find us a priest, we had already done the pre-wedding Catholic classes before the war started. Hopefully that would still allow us to be married in the church since we didn’t really have the time for such things. I wouldn’t be surprised if Phillips saw this all as a waste of time to begin with, but I didn’t care. Maddi was so happy and excited at the idea, I would find us a way to get married no matter how rushed and small it might be.

 

 

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January 5, 1944

 

“There’s the husband to be,” Bucky said the next day as I was cleaned up and in my military uniform. We got approval for a short and small wedding ceremony, as long as it was done within the day because there were important missions to complete. Peggy took Maddi to a nearby shop to find her a dress and Bucky was with me helping me get ready. We had a Catholic Military Chaplain volunteer to marry us, and he agreed that the classes we took in Brooklyn would suffice. “Do you have rings?” Bucky asked me.

 

“Yes, we actually picked these out over two years ago.” I had two simple wedding bands in a small bag that I had brought with me on the Captain America tours and over to Europe. I wanted to keep them close, I never thought we’d be using them until we got home.

 

“Perfect, I think it’s time for us to go then!” He smiled at me and I nodded with a nervous grin. “Come on, before you pass out.” he put a hand on my shoulder and I shook my head at him. We went to a small nearby church, inside was the priest, Peggy, Howard, Colonel Phillips, and some of the other men we worked closely with. Colonel Phillips seemed to have a softer side for Maddi, it was the only explanation I had for him allowing this in the first place. As I stood in front of the altar, Maddi walked through the door and walked down the aisle. There was no music, which I had a feeling she was a bit sad about. Music was her favorite thing, and I’m sure she always pictured it at our wedding. However, I didn’t even think about that as I only thought about how beautiful she looked. She wore a simple white dress that went just below her knees. They had found her a bouquet of flowers and a veil clipped in her hair. All I did was smile as her eyes locked with mine and she smiled in return. As she made it to the front, Peggy and Bucky stood next to us as the witnesses.

 

The priest began with a prayer and we went through other various traditions. Maddi and I were both raised Catholic, but she was much more devoted than I was. I admired her deep love for God and Jesus Christ, and I felt a connection but it was not as strong as hers. Being married in this fashion was definitely something I wanted to make sure she had. Catholicism was even less common in the south than the rest of the US, so she grew up in a family that was looked at strangely by most of her town. It seemed to only push her closer to and stronger in her beliefs.

 

He then turned to me and asked “Steven Rogers, do you take Madeline Bennett for your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”

 

I smiled at Maddi as I said “I do.” she smiled back at me.

 

“Madeline Bennett, do you take Steven Rogers for your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?” He then asked.

 

“I do,” Maddi replied still looking at me and it all felt like a dream. I was marrying the love of my life in front of God and with our best friend and the new friends we had both made. It was incredible to be experiencing such a wonderful thing during an awful time of war. I finally understood why so many people wanted to rush to get married while we waited. It was a joyous occasion, and who knew if I would really make it through to the end. We could only hope and pray, but it was a good feeling to be able to be married through it all.

 

The priest continued with the ring. “May the Lord bless these rings, which you will give to each other as the sign of your love and fidelity.”  
 

We both responded together with “Amen.”

 

We exchanged the rings and the priest declared us married by the church. “I pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride.” I immediately swept her into a kiss as I heard cheers all around us. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I held on to her waist. It felt like our first kiss all over again. When we pulled away, we smiled at our friends.

 

“You look beautiful, but it’s freezing outside, Mads.”

 

“It was the only dress we could find,” she laughed back as she knew I was referring to her dress at her knees. “Besides, we got a winter wedding, just like we planned.”

 

“When we planned it, it was for my allergies,” I chuckled with her.

 

“Sure, but the snow is so beautiful, I think it’s perfect anyway.” We went to the pub nearby to celebrate the wedding with drinks and dancing. I refrained from drinking because I knew Maddi wasn’t a fan. She told me I could, but I told her I didn’t want to spoil the night with any chance of blurred memories.


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: Before this next chapter I just wanted to address something first. I don’t want to go into detail about Steve and Maddi’s first time having sex. It is a very specific situation where both people have waited until marriage to do it together for the first time. It’s also during a time where talking about sex before marriage is not very common. There were certainly people who did it before marriage back then, but it was considered more of a topic that was left undiscussed. I just can't seem to get into the perfect mindset of these characters to accurately portray everything that would happen in this scenario. I won’t avoid it completely, so I do apologize if it seems weird or unrealistic. I tried my best, and this is what I have from that.**

  
 

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January 6, 1944

 

I woke up in my husband’s arms. It was so beautiful to have been with him again. We were allowed to be given a small room away from the other soldiers and workers on the base. I assumed it had something to do with having Captain America privileges. I never really knew what I would have expected from my first time making love. I had heard plenty of Bucky’s remarks about sex with the various girls but I always hoped it would be more romantic than his one night stands. I learned in church that it was to be done with two people who loved each other after marriage, and that is what I wanted. I was happy because that is what I got. It was with someone I loved, and we were married. Past that, I didn’t know what to think about it. I tried not to. I tried to enjoy my time with him while we layed in bed together, but I didn’t know if we did it right or not, or if we should do it again or if we should try something different or if we should go back to the way things were before we were married. It was all new and foreign to me. I decided would talk to Steve about it, who else would I feel comfortable enough to bring it up to?

  
 

* * *

  
  
 

May 1, 1944

 

When Steve was away, I slept in the room Peggy stayed in. I wasn’t fond of being alone, and she was kind enough to let me. Peggy and I had become close, but someone I really became best friends with was Howard. We worked so well together experimenting on different energy sources discovered from hydra, and designing new technology from our resources. I was proud to say I had slowly become his favorite person to work with. I was just as focused as he was and we had fun while working. “I’m mostly impressed with how fast you pick up things,” he said as we were tinkering with a few new weapons. “You only have a four year degree of experience, so you didn’t come to me with as much knowledge as you probably hoped, but you have learned so much since and execute it so well.”

 

“Thank you Howard!” I didn’t know what else to say, his compliment caught me by surprise.

 

“Now I am not much of a school person, but if you ever wanted to go back and get more education, I would love to help you out. I know a lot of people who could help you get in. Of course I wouldn’t want you to stop working with me, I need you to continue when we eventually go back to the states.” I looked at him in awe.

 

“Howard, do you really mean that?” he chuckled and glanced at me.

 

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it, Maddi.”

 

“I know we’re friends now, so I really should be past all this but I still cannot believe I’m working with you. I can’t believe you want me working with you. All my life I have been told I couldn’t do it by various people I met because I was a woman or because I was poor. You’ve never not believed in me.”

 

“Eh, I came from a poor family and I worked hard for what I got. I see drive that in you, so there was no way I was gonna pass up an intelligent and determined mind because it was the mind of a woman.” I smiled at him and was close to tears. “Besides, if word got to Peggy that I used a reason like that to look past someone, she’d kick my ass.” I laughed with him at his words. I then walked over to him and pulled him into a hug.

 

“I’m lucky to have you as a new friend, Howard. Thank you for everything.” He hugged me back.

 

“It’s no problem.” As we got back to work, he asked me how married life was with Steve.

 

“Some things are different, but most things are like they always have been. I wouldn’t want to change it one little bit.” I smiled at him as I spoke the truth. “I miss him a lot. It always feels like he’s gone more and more and gets such short breaks in between missions. But i’m grateful to just be here when he has those breaks. I couldn’t imagine waiting all alone this whole time in Brooklyn for him.”

 

“Plus you wouldn’t have Peggy and I to keep you company.”

 

“Very true.”

 

“And don’t forget about good old Colonel Phillips. He went from barely tolerating you because of you being Steve’s girlfriend to really liking having you around. You proved you were more useful than just some girl.”

 

“Yes, I take a lot of pride in that. He seems to respect me just as much as he respects you and Peggy.” That’s what I really try to gain from people, their respect. I work hard to prove myself and when strong people like Colonel Phillips sees me as more than just Steve’s girlfriend, and now wife, than I feel accomplished in my goals.

 

“That he does.”

  
 

* * *

  
  
 

June 25, 1944 (STEVE’S POV)

 

“Come on, I can’t wait for you to see it!” I held Maddi’s had as we ran together from the lab to our room. It was her birthday and I had set up her present there. She giggled at my excitement and smiled the whole way. As we walked in, she stood in the middle of the room looking around in awe.

 

“Oh Steve,” she said putting one hand to her mouth as she squeezed mine with her other. “You’ve really outdone yourself this time.”

 

I grinned widely as I watched her take it in. “You really like it?” I asked her.

 

“Steve, I absolutely love it!” She went around looking at each drawing hung by a string on the walls and layer out on the bed.

 

“I drew everything I could remember. I wanted you to be able to reply the whole day with the drawings, so that’s why it took so long.” It was our wedding day. I had drawings of Maddi walking down the aisle, of us standing before the priest, of our friends there, of our first married kiss. I made one of our exchanging of rings and of us standing outside in the snow. There were also drawings of the party after at the pub, including us dancing together. It really was every part I could remember for her to keep to remember herself. I looked at Maddi again and saw tears in her eyes. She was still smiling at each one and after looking at each one with detail, she pulled me into a warm hug. I embraced her tightly as I wound my arms around her waist and she put her head on my shoulder.

 

“I don’t care how long it took, the present is so beautiful. I need to find a way to keep them all safe. Maybe get a photo album to place them in.” I was already ahead of her so I went under the bed and grabbed a box to give to her. She gave me a suspicious look as I didn’t say anything and she opened it. Inside was exactly what she was looking for. “You always think of everything.” She kissed me without another word and I kissed her passionately back.

 

“I want this day to be perfect. I don’t go on another mission until morning, so I want to do whatever you want to do. I know our options are limited given where we are, but the day is yours.” I told her once we finished kissing.

 

She gave me a smirk and said “just being with you a little bit longer is enough.” I hated leaving her, but she understood that we were in the middle of a war. She had her job and I had mine; mine just took weeks sometimes to get a short break to see her. We spent the day together mostly alone. I asked her if she wanted to also spend time with friends, but she shyly said she wanted to just be with me. I felt beyond lucky to call her my wife. The most beautiful woman in the world loved me and had loved me long before I became Captain America. I wanted to make her feel as special as I saw her every day.

  
 

* * *

  
  
 

June 26, 1944

 

I woke up to Steve moving in our bed. I turned towards him and saw he was still sleeping, but he had a look of pain and distress on his face. Steve wasn’t one to have nightmares, he was a very sound sleeper. It concerned me to see him like this, and he only continued to get more upset. I debated waiting for it to pass or waking him up, but it didn’t seem to be getting any better, only worse. I lightly put my hand on his shoulder and tried to wake him but he just tensed up more. I started calling his name, hoping that would work, but I instead heard him mumble my own name still sleeping. Something was clearly wrong in his dream and so I shook him a little harder and called his name a little louder. He jolted up immediately and was awake but he was frantically looking around the room.

 

“Maddie? Maddi?” he cried out as he clearly didn’t see me laying next to him.

 

“I’m right here, Steve,” I said as calmly as I could but his urgency frightened me. “I’m okay, I’m here.” he turned to me and his shoulders relaxed and he wrapped me in his arms. It took me a second to respond to it and then I slowly hugged him back. He was holding me so tight, but I didn’t ask him to stop. He had his head buried in my neck and didn’t say a word. “Steve, honey, are you alright?”

 

I could feel him shake his head slightly but he responded with “yes.”

 

“You were having a nightmare.” I told him. “I tried to wake you, but it took a bit.” I was rubbing his back soothingly as I spoke, him still holding me like I would slip away if he let go. He finally leaned back and put my face in his hands as he studied my face. “Steve?” I whispered, still concerned.

 

“I’m sorry if I scared you.” he said, still looking all around my face, as if memorizing it. “I’m just so happy you’re okay.” His words didn’t help ease my own worries.

 

“You wanna tell me what your dream was about?” I asked gently as he let go and put his own face in his hands clearly still upset.

 

I thought I lost you. I was trying so hard to get to you, but it was no use. You were in danger, but I couldn’t tell exactly what. Everything just felt so confusing and I was terrified what was happening to you, you sounded so-” he paused and I could tell it was because he was getting choked up. He was very close to tears and it broke my heart. “You sounded so scared. Nothing I did helped, and I thought you were dead.” He couldn’t stop himself any longer; tears came down his face as he told what happened.

 

“Oh Steve,” seeing him in tears only made me want to cry. I pulled him back into a hug and this time it was more me holding him. “I’m right here and I’m safe. Everything is going to be okay.”

 

“But we don’t really know that,” he responded. “You’re not safe because you’re at a military base that could be taken over. I’m gone so much, and here. I’m gone so much, and I never know what happens here. I’m always worried about you.” I pulled back and looked into his eyes.

 

“I’m always worried about you, Steve. But that’s just the life we live, huh?” He smiled sadly and nodded his head. “I pray one day we will have our time of peace once again. We’ll live together and start a beautiful family,” I smile at him thinking about the future and he sincerely smiles back.

 

“I can’t wait for that.” He leans in and kisses me. He lays us back on the bed as we were sitting up before, him now on top of me. Our kiss never broke and I felt like I could forget the world around us when I was with him.


	34. Chapter 34

July 16, 1944

 

“Dance with me,” Steve said as we stood in the bar while he was off for the night. I smiled at him as he grabbed my hand and led me to the middle floor. He pulled me close and started swaying to the beat of the lively jazz music. He twirled me around and made me laugh as the people around clapped along. I never wanted this moment to end. We danced and danced even as we grew very tired. Our excitement and energy with each other kept us going. We finally stopped to grab a glass of water each and we stood next to Bucky as he smirked at us. 

 

“To think I’d be the one without a date to dance with, we have certainly gotten far from where we started huh?” Bucky joked with us. 

 

“Don’t worry Buck, I’m sure you won’t be alone forever.” Steve said this with a teasing tone and a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. “Maybe Maddi here can find you a friend of hers?” I just laughed at him as I shook his head.

 

“Stop acting so smug, Rogers!” I told him.

 

“Hey, you can’t call me Rogers, you’re Rogers just the same!” he responded. I wrinkled my nose at him and he chuckled. 

 

“Bucky don’t listen to him, he’s clearly not thinking straight. It must have been too much dancing for him to handle,” I said as I turned towards my friend. “But I will say that in all fairness, you took him on many dates when we were younger that were really just about you and whichever girl you had at the time.” I raised my eyebrows at him in challenge.

 

“If I do recall, Mads, that’s because it took you both way too long to make any moves towards each other.” He crossed his arms and smiled as he threw it right back at me. 

 

I rolled my eyes playfully and said as I wrapped my arm around my husband and leaned my head against him “Well here we are married, and here you are with none of those many girls you chose to spend your time with. Not sure I feel too bad for you if we go back and dance some more because I do remember many times when you ditched us for the pretty lady of the week.” 

 

“Alright you got me, go have fun you lovebirds. I have plenty of other friends here I can have a few drinks with,” he smiled and we both smiled back. Steve and I eventually made it back to the dance floor and continued our night together. 

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


August 27, 1944 (STEVE’S POV)

 

I was out with the Howling Commandos as we found another Hydra base to take down. We had been out for a few weeks and I had many terrible dreams about what could happen to Maddi while I was away. Sometimes I felt like I couldn’t hear or see anything but gunshots and explosions; even when I was awake it never stopped. I knew she could hear them sometimes because of how close she was to the frontlines, and that just increased my worries every day. “Hey you gotta stop doing this to yourself,” Bucky and I gave him a confused look. “I know you’re worrying about Maddi, you do all the time. I get it, but it’s just tearing you apart now.”

 

“I’m alright,” I tried to brush it off.

 

“Steve, I know you and you always overthink everything. I worry about her too, you’re both my best friends, but she’s doing her job and we need to do ours. It’s all gonna be over soon and then we can all go live happily ever after back home. For now, we need to push all those feelings aside and win this war.” I nodded my head in agreement; I couldn’t let this affect me.

 

“He’s right, Rogers,” I hear Dugan say and I turn towards him. “We all get it, but it’s time to take Hydra down. You’re the punk leading us, you already got wedding with your pretty dame, help us win this war and you can have your honeymoon too!” There were chuckles and cheers among the other men at his words.

 

“I guess it’s settled men, but just know I’m leaving all of you the moment it’s over so I can have that nice honeymoon away from all of you.” I laughed along with them but couldn’t help but still feel that pain of concern inside my chest at just the mention of Maddi. She was my entire world and I could pretend all I wanted, my fears were not going to go away until it was truly all over. As I glanced at Bucky, I knew he could still see through me and was going to let it go. We all had our ways of dealing with our problems, that’s just how the war went.

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


September 21,1944 (STEVE’S POV)

 

I knew something was wrong the moment I came back to our base. I was greeted like I usually was by Maddi, but instead it was Howard with a concerned look on his face. “Hey Steve, I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“Where’s Maddi?” I asked immediately. 

 

“We need you to stay calm right now because freaking out won’t help anyone,” I heard Colonel Phillips say as he walked towards us. 

 

“Hey what’s going on?” Bucky also asked as he put a had on my shoulder, and I knew he was trying to keep me from freaking out since neither of us knew what happened. 

 

“This morning Maddi collapsed while we were both working in the lab. She is being looked over by our doctors to see what is wrong, but she seems very weak right now. Peggy is with her,” I didn’t even hear everything he said, I was already rushing towards the infirmary. I knew they were all close behind me. 

 

“Where is she??” I frantically asked as I walked into the main area. I saw her laying down looking very pale with Peggy sitting next to her. “Mads,” I said as I got closer. She turned her face towards me and smiled slightly. 

 

“Steve, I’m so happy to see you,” she said with a small voice. 

 

“I’m right here,” I said as I grabbed her hand carefully. It felt smaller and more fragile than ever. It was a strange feeling being the one not on the hospital bed. It used to be her making sure I was alright, and feeling the intense need to make her feel better in any way I could, I finally understood how she felt all those times before the serum. It made me realize she was even stronger than I thought because I could barely handle it this one time. “Does anyone know what’s wrong?” I asked.

 

“Doctors are trying to figure it out right now,” Peggy said. 

 

“Well we know why you fainted,” a doctor said as he came towards us. “She’s incredibly malnourished, but I would be saying that even if it weren’t for her circumstances.”

 

“Circumstances?” I asked.

 

“We ran the tests we could, and it seems Mrs. Rogers here is pregnant.” My breath caught in my throat and I looked over at Maddi. She had the same look of surprise on her face. “She works too much and needs to rest more. Especially now that she is having a baby. Eating for two is important, and I am sure you haven’t been doing that.”

 

“I was feeling too sick lately, I had skipped a few meals,” she whispered still in awe. I couldn’t even come up with words to say.

 

“Thank you doctor,” Peggy said. “We’ll all leave you two alone,” she made everyone else leave with her, and I just kept holding Maddi’s hand and looking at her.

 

“I guess I had missed a few cycles, I didn’t really think much of it.” She still looked more tired than I had ever seen her. “We’re having a baby,” she said with a smile.

 

“We’re having a baby,” were the first words I could muster. I started to smile wider than I had in a very long time. I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it with tears close to falling. “I’m gonna take care of you, Mads. I should have been here to make sure you were alright, maybe I could have-”

 

“Shhhhhh,” she said lightly to cut me off. “Steve, neither of us knew I was pregnant. It’s okay, and I’m going to be okay now that I know that I am carrying our child.”

 

“The doctor said even if you weren’t pregnant, you were still not in good shape. I don’t want you to over do it and hurt yourself.”

 

“What about you?” she asked with a teasing voice. “You’re the one out sleeping on the ground going who knows how long without a proper meal everyday.”

 

I looked at her seriously and said “Maddi I can handle it. Besides, I’m not leaving you again, not now.” It was her turn to give me a stern look.

 

“Steve don’t you dare. The war’s not over yet and we both still have jobs to do.”

 

“You can’t possibly think of working now!”

 

“Of course I can,” she replied. She pull her hand from mys but then rested it on my cheek. “You’re gonna go back out there and continue being Captain America, and I will stay here and continue working on improving weapons and other technologies with Howard. We’re not done saving the world.”

 

“What if you went back to Brooklyn until the war is over-”

 

“Are you kidding?” she asked with a laugh. “You just wanted quit the army so that you wouldn’t have to leave me and now you wanna send me across the ocean?”

 

“I didn’t mean I didn’t want to be with you, I just” I was stumbling over my words. “I don’t want you getting hurt here, we’ve established that. Now you’re having our baby and I really want you to take it easy.” She grabbed my hand once again and squeezed it. 

 

“I’m gonna take it easy, don’t worry about that. But don’t think I’m going back home without you. We will keep doing what we’ve been doing,” I almost tried to say that wouldn’t work but she gave me a look knowing what I would say and continued “with extra precautions now that we know I’m pregnant, and once Hydra and this whole war is gone and over, we will go back home together with our child.” I knew I wasn’t going to win with this argument, it was too easy for me to give in to her wishes everytime anyway. 

 

“Okay, but you have to promise you will be careful and stay healthy when I can’t be here to help you.” 

 

“I will; I think Peggy and Howard won’t let me get back to this state again anyway.” 

 

“Good,” I still had that constant feeling of worry in my chest, but I pushed it aside as best I could. “Maddi I still can’t believe we’re finally having a baby.” She gave me a beautiful grin and nodded.

 

“Me neither,” she said softly but then her face slowly fell.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Do you think I’ll be a good mother?” she asked me and I couldn’t help but let out a slight chuckle. 

 

“Mads you’re going the be an amazing mother,” I told her. 

 

“I don’t know, Steve. My ma died when I was young, it gets harder to remember how she was every year I get older. I don’t know how I’ll do it.” It was my turn to give her hand a light squeeze.

 

“I never knew my dad, so I’m just as scared to do this as you are. We’re gonna be okay though. We’ll figure it out together and it’ll all be alright.” she smiled slightly at me and nodded her head. I noticed she still looked extremely tired and I decided it was time she rested up. “I think you should get some sleep,” I told her. 

 

“Oh but you’re back tonight, I want to sleep in our bed together,” she said with sadness in her voice. We both knew the doctors wanted her sleeping in the infirmary for the night. 

 

“I’m not going anywhere, I’ll stay here all night and we can be together in our bed tomorrow night.” she nodded slightly but I smiled as I saw her already drifting to sleep. I brushed some of her hair back away from her face with my hand and smiled to myself as her eyes closed. I had never felt so happy in my life, I had everything I could ever want. The girl of my dreams was my wife and we were going to have a baby, I just couldn’t believe it was real.


	35. Chapter 35

October 23, 1944

 

I had never felt such failure in my entire life. The guilt was eating at me right next to the sorrow no matter how much Peggy tried to help. It didn’t make any difference what she thought, I couldn’t stop from hating the world and mostly hating myself. What kind of a mother loses her own child? That’s what I had to tell people who asked. I lost the baby. Is that really true? It wasn’t like when Steve would lose his house key in Brooklyn, or when Bucky would lose his homework in school, or when I would lose the grocery list for the week. This was an unborn child, not some trivial item I misplaced, but I still said those words because it was I could think to say. I was mostly angry I let myself get excited too soon. It was early and I shouldn’t have let anyone else find out I was pregnant until I was more sure everything would be fine. I was angry I let myself get to the point of collapsing and had to be taken to a doctor. If that had gone differently, I wouldn’t have had to tell everyone that baby I had a month ago was now gone. Steve didn’t know and just the thought of having to tell him when he got back made me even more sick. I couldn’t stop picturing how happy he was when we heard the news. I couldn’t understand how it all went away so quickly. It felt like I was being told I was pregnant and the very next day told I wasn’t. It was all so fast; less than a month wasn’t long enough to have a baby. I waited every day dreading the time when Steve would be back, but also wanted nothing more but to be held his arms. Today was that day. I waited in our room I heard him and his team were back because I didn’t want to crowd. Open the door and immediately smiled when he saw me sitting on our bed. I tried to return it but tears came instead he dropped his bag and was sitting next to me in a second. 

 

“Mads, what’s wrong?” He asked with concern wasting his voice.

 

“I’m sorry, Steve,” I said first and he put his arm around me and I shrugged it off. As much as I wanted it there, I couldn’t bare it if he took it back when he heard what I had to say. I could see he was confused and a little hurt, but I had to tell him. “Steve, I lost her baby.”

 

“What?” He asked in a whisper. 

 

“I woke up last week in blood and I felt cramps and pain. I had a fever too and so I went to the doctor. He said our baby was gone. It was a miscarriage. I’m so sorry, Steve.” He looked at me with sad eyes and I didn’t know what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t what he said.

 

“Can I hold your hand?“ He asked, and I felt like we were teenagers again. Somehow I no longer saw Captain America (not that I ever really did. He was always just Steve when we were alone together), but I saw the quiet and timid Steve Rogers I fell in love with. I nodded my head and he took my hand that was sitting in my lap and he held it with both the kids. “Maddi, you didn’t lose our baby. Please don’t blame yourself.” I couldn’t help but cry more. I didn’t expect him to instantly try to take the burden off my shoulders. “Anything you need, Maddi, I will do everything I can to make it better.”

 

“Thank you,” I said and I leaned in closer to him to feel his comfort a bit more.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  


November 9, 1944

 

I tried everything I could to keep my mind away from thoughts of the miscarriage . It had been too long, I couldn’t sleep so fucking in my feelings, but I couldn’t help but think how it would feel to be farther along in my pregnancy. I just felt so tired all the time. I was tired of the never ending war that took so much time from being with my husband away from me. I was tired of putting my entire life with the projects Howard put me on when I just wanted to put it all aside and start a family with Steve. I thought so much about how things would be different without this war, and it will build anger and resentment in me. Or if Steve had never been offered the super soldier serum, we would be happily married in Brooklyn. Maybe we would still have a baby on the way or maybe we already would have one. I wouldn’t have to share my time with Steve the rest of the world, and we would be happy. I couldn’t remember the last time I was truly happy.

 

“Mads,” Steve said as I was getting ready and he sat on the bed in the morning. “I know you’re still feeling upset, I just–“

 

“You know?” I asked putting down my make-up case and turning to him. “How could you possibly know? You’re never here,” I snapped at him and he looked taken aback.

 

“I’m here now,” he kept his calm voice steady. “And I know you, Maddi. This isn’t like you, I need to know that you’re okay.”

 

“What could I possibly say, Steve? I’m swell? I’m absolutely terrific? Steve, I miss Brooklyn, and I miss you all the time. I miss not waking up to the sound of bombs or gunshots only miles away. I miss not having nightmares about never seeing you again. I miss the way I felt when I had never carried a baby before. I was hopeful and excited! Sorry to disappoint you, but I can’t give you any reassurance of me being ‘okay’ because I’m not.” He stayed silent after my outburst. I didn’t even cry; I wasn’t sad anymore. I was just empty and angry.

 

“I miss Home too, I miss being with you every day too–“

 

“You brought us here!” I cut him off by yelling. “You couldn’t stop dreaming of fighting in a war you had no business being in. Now look at you, you’re Captain America. The entire country is in love with you, you get to fight just like you wanted. You get to be admired and respected by so many people! You got exactly what you always wanted! I wanted a family. To have our children back home and live a normal life with you. Your crazy desires to prove yourself to everyone took that away from me.” 

 

“That’s not fair, Maddi,”  he responded once I finally stopped my yelling. “You’re not the only one who wanted a family together. All I’ve ever wanted was you and I wake up everyday realizing how lucky I truly was to be with you. You were my dream girl since we met, I didn’t want to have a family with anyone else because it was always you. My career ambitions are just like yours. I was supportive when you were in college, while you searched for recognition and respect in your field. You being a woman had never made me believe you couldn’t do the things you set your mind to. Those are your goals outside our family and these are mine, and we have supported each other through it all because that’s a family does. I wanted that baby just as much as you did, and I know that what I feel doesn’t come close to how you carried our child and had to go through a miscarriage alone. All I want is to keep supporting you through this like I have in everything else, through every other death you or I have faced, through every time you have had this helpless feeling. I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but Maddi, I know you. I know you better than I know anyone else, and I know you better than anyone else knows you. We can get through this because we have gotten through so much together. It’s okay to grieve, but please let me be here for you when I can.”

 

 I watched him with hard eyes as he spoke and I stayed silent when he finished. I didn’t want to listen to what he had to say, mostly because I knew it would probably change how I felt. I wanted to be angry, I felt like I had the right to be angry. My life wasn’t how I imagined it would be and I needed to hold someone responsible for it. I thought back to how much joy was in my life when I married Steve. It was my fear of losing him that made me tired of waiting to call him my husband. Despite that being the immediate reason, I knew I wanted to marry him for years. Maybe if we had married sooner like the rest of the world instead of waiting so long, things would be different too. I’m sure if I had expressed want for it, Steve would have married me years ago. It was my desire to get a degree and work towards a career that caused me to wait for a family. There was no denying that I was the reason we had waited and it just made me feel awful inside. Steve was right because we both got what we wanted when getting to Europe. He was bravely fighting the war and I was working on scientific projects I could have never dreamed of before. This brought more fury than comfort into my heart. It proved our inability to be good parents. God must have brought this miscarriage on us because he knew we couldn’t raise a baby while we both had things we occasionally put before our family.

 

The science major and me immediately scoffed at my thought. I remembered studying slightly about pregnancies and miscarriages, and while much of it was still very unknown to us, it had become more certain that miscarriages could happen to anyone for many unknown reasons. Sometimes they just happen, and doctors don’t know why. No matter how many times I tried to remind myself of this, I just could not help but try to find what went wrong. Was it something sent from God? Was it my fault or Steve’s fault or both our faults for being in an environment not fit for pregnancy? All I did in the end was nods head to Steve so he would know I heard before turning back to putting on my make-up for the day. I could hear him sigh and stand up. I was ashamed in myself for more reasons than one, so I couldn’t bring myself to even look at him. Once he left our room, I let out a sob. I wanted help he offered, but I didn’t know how to accept it. 

 

I hadn’t spoken to Steve the rest of the day, and he was leaving the next morning. I felt awful inside at the thought of him going back in the middle of the war after I said hurtful things to him. I mustered up my strength and sat across from him at dinner. He was eating alone and looked up to see me sit down and gave me a small smile as he said hello.

 

“I’m just so angry, Steve,” I said immediately in a helpless voice. “All the time. I don’t want to be, but sometimes it’s easier than being sad. I should move on, I was barely pregnant!”

 

“But you were pregnant, Maddi,” he replied in a soothing tone. “It’s okay to be as upset as you are because we were going to have a baby together and now we aren’t. I just want you to know that no matter what you’re feeling, I want to make sure you’ll get better. Even if it takes longer than you think it should, I want to be with you for as much as I can.” I reached my hand across the table and he quickly took it in his. I squeezed it like it was my lifeline, he squeezed it back in reassurance.

 

“I said awful things to you, but I shouldn’t have. I’m really sorry, Steve.” A few tears roll down my face he smiled at me.

 

“It’s alright, Mads. I’m not mad about it. I love you,” he told me.

 

“I love you too. So so much,” I replied. Just being there with him in a calm and loving way actually made me feel like a large portion of what was weighing me down was lifted off of me.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


December 15, 1944

 

Steve came back from another mission and he seemed like something was bothering him, but he played it off as being tired when I asked. “How are you feeling?” He asked instead.

 

“Much better actually,“ I said, and it was the truth. “It feels really weird being happy and okay again, but I really think I am.” I would still think about ‘what ifs’ from time to time, but I wanted to move forward with the life I had. I had Steve, and wonderful friends, and a chance at happiness. I wasn’t going to waste it anymore.

 

“That’s wonderful, Maddi.”

 

We spent the day together and I could tell Steve was exhausted both physically and emotionally. “You want to go rest?“ I asked kindly and he tried again to brush off my worries.

 

“No, I’m fine, I just want to be with you right now.“ I looked at him skeptical eyes.

 

““Come on, what’s really going on, Steve? You can tell me.” 

 

He hesitated before finally replied “I don’t want to burden you or make you feel bad. Not now that you’re doing so well.”

 

“No, no, it’s alright! Really you can tell me. You know we don’t keep feelings from each other.” He sighed and seemed to give in.

 

“It’s just been pretty hard these past few days. More than usual because I had a dream we still having a baby.” I remained silent and you gave me a weird look before continuing. I wasn’t expecting this to be what was bothering him. “We talked about it a lot and worked through it together, but I feel like with everything else going on with the work, I haven’t really had time to process it. I feel guilty for leaving you so much I’m not putting our family first.“

 

We sat next to each other and I placed my hand comfortingly on his cheek. “Steve, you’ve been so strong for me these last couple months. Despite being able to be a bit happier every day, I still have moments of sadness for what could have been. It’s time for me to be strong for you. I want you to always tell me how you feel; you don’t need to pretend to be happy all the time to make me feel better, and you don’t need to feel guilty. You’re fighting for our country, and that is for me and our future family to live happy lives together. One day this all will be over and the United States will not only thank Captain America, but more importantly they’ll thank Steve Rogers. I’ll be equally as grateful for your amazing service.” He leaned into my hand and closed his eyes. 

 

“Thank you,” he said in barely a whisper. I got closer to him and held him in a tight hug. I could feel him relax and I knew that it had been a while since he truly was able to feel more at ease. I was happy to be the person that brought this comfort to him as he was always the person who brought so much comfort to me. 


	36. Chapter 36

December 24, 1944 (STEVE’S POV)

 

“We didn’t get to spend last Christmas together so I want to make this one extra special. I couldn’t buy you something this year, but I know how much you love everything else that goes with Christmas, especially the music, so I found a place nearby that will play some Christmas songs we can go to!” I held Maddi’s hand as we walked towards a small restaurant nearby that was still open. Many of the places in town closed during the war. Either people were fighting in it or fleeing from it. I had asked the owner of the restaurant the day before if he had a record player or radio that played Christmas music. He told me he was planning to play the radio with some anyway, and his restaurant had a floor to dance in that I was sure Maddi would want to use after we ate. 

 

“Steve you know I don’t need any presents. The best Christmas gift is having you here with me tonight. Besides, if you had something, it’d only make me feel bad that I had nothing for you,” she joked with a smile. “And of course you’re right, Christmas music will make this night even more special.” We sat near the window and Maddi smiled at the snow that fell outside. I stayed quiet as I just took in how beautiful she looked when she smiled. Every minute I spent with her was so precious and I wish it never ended. “What’s your favorite Christmas song?” she asked me after we ordered our food, and I realized I never really thought about it. 

 

“That’s hard to pick, isn’t it?” I pondered over traditional songs we grew up hearing in church as well as newer songs written in the last decade or so that were a bit more secular. “ _ I’ll be Home for Christmas _ maybe,” I told her. “You’re my home, and here I am so I think it’s very fitting.” 

 

She smiled softly and nodded. “Yes I think it is too. I like  _ The First Noel _ ; it always sounded so beautiful in choirs. I also like that  _ Winter Wonderland _ song. It’s so cheerful I can’t help but get excited for the holiday.”

 

“Ah yes, I can remember many times back in Brooklyn when you would hum or sing along to that song.” I chuckled and she blushed.

 

“You’re my home too Steve,” she said with a content look on her face. “It’s why I followed you around the United States, it’s why I came to Europe with you, and it’s why I realize now that I don’t need to think about what our lives would have been like without the super serum. No matter what that would have been, and whatever our lives will be, I just know that my home was, is, and will always be with you.” I smiled as my heart warmed from her words. Sometimes I worried in the back of my mind no only about losing her, but what would happen if I were to die in this war instead. I would want her to live a long happy life; I am sure of this because I would certainly give my life to save hers. I knew telling her this would only make her upset so I decided to keep it in my mind for the moment. Christmas was a joyous day, and I didn’t want to spoil it with fears and discussions of death. 

 

“I’m so happy to be with you right now,” I told her and I didn’t just mean in that moment. I was happy to be able to see her every time in between my missions. While I was scared for her safety, it made every trip feel so much better when I got to come back and wrap her up in my arms. It truly was like being home.

 

As we finished our dinner, I enjoyed listening to Maddi get excited with each song on the radio she knew. She would sing softly along to some of them and I would just smile because I loved her beautiful voice. Sometimes she would realize she was singing subconsciously and apologize, but I told her she should know by now that her singing should never warrant an apology around me. “I’ve never heard this song before,” she said after listening to the first couple of lines of the one that just started. 

 

“It’s a new song this year, Judy Garland is singing it,” a woman at the next table told her as she heard Maddi’s statement. 

 

“Oh I just love Judy Garland!” Maddi said with enthusiasm. 

 

“Well would you like to dance?” I asked her while standing up and offering her my hand. She grinned at me and took it.

 

“I would love to dance with you.” We walked to the center floor and she rested her head on my shoulder as we swayed to the song.

 

_ Have yourself a merry little Christmas _

_ Make the yuletide gay _

_ Next year all our troubles will be miles away _

 

_ Once again as in olden days _

_ Happy golden days of yore _

_ Faithful friends who are dear to us _

_ Will be near to us once more _

 

_ Someday soon we all will be together _

_ If the fates allow _

_ Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow _

_ So have yourself a merry little Christmas now _

 

By the end of the song, Maddi was humming along and I just smiled to myself at her actions. It seemed she always picked up new music she heard very quickly, and she had the ability to remember songs practically forever afterwards. I could tell this song would be one of her favorites. I had one arm around her waist and the other holding her hand close to me. As the song ended and the next one begun, we didn’t stop our slow dancing. I lost track of the number of songs we danced to throughout the night, but it was a calming and wonderful change of pace form our usual nights of dancing. Maddi had turned me into quite a dancer since we began going out together years before. I remembered a time when I was petrified at even the idea of dancing with a girl, let alone the girl I was madly in love with. No other girl Bucky found to go on a date with me had never shown the interest Maddi did to dance with me. She taught me how to dance and when I danced with her it made me glad no other girl ever wanted to dance with me. 

 

Maddi was the right partner from the very beginning, and I truly believed I would never be good it if it weren’t for her being the person I danced with over the years. We enjoyed the fast pace jazz dancing with live bands, and I twirled her around our apartment to tunes on the radio many times. On top of that, she was the only person to have heard me sing. She loved it so much that I would sing every day to make her smile the way she would when I did. I certainly wouldn’t sing for other people, but for Maddi I would obviously do anything. We even had our favorite song to dance with and sing to each other. ‘The Way You Look Tonight’ had become our song, and it was ever so fitting in our relationship. Maddi had loved me no matter how I looked throughout every part of our relationship, and I have never met anyone more gorgeous and lovely as her. 

 

After we danced for probably almost an hour (although it didn’t feel like it was enough), we decided to head back to find our friends and spend the rest of the evening with them. It was rare that we could all find a time together, which was understandable given the circumstances of the world around us, so we wanted to make it count on Christmas Eve. While Maddi and I loved the time we spent just the two of us, we both felt Christmas was a time for all our friends and family. We both agreed that our friends made here were becoming our family, and of course Bucky had always been a part of our family since we were young. It was a joyous night that let us all forget about everything Hydra was putting us through and would continue to put us through until the war was over. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


January 5, 1945

 

Steve often shifted between long missions and short sporadic ones during our time here. Recently they had been shorter, and I was happy for it because it gave us the best of luck to not only be together on Christmas, but on our first wedding anniversary as well. Steve woke me up with soft singing of our song, and I grinned at his cheesy nature. “The way I look tonight?” I asked him. “How do you know how I’ll look tonight, we just woke up,” I asked and he chuckled. 

 

“You’ll look as beautiful as you look this morning and every other time of the day,” he responded. I expressed my content with his answer and told him happy anniversary. I couldn’t help be smile the entire day because I got to spend it with him as people around us wished us a happy anniversary since many of them remembered the wedding we had the previous year. 

 

“I cannot believe it’s been a year,” Peggy stated as we spoke with her and Howard. “You two are so lovely together.” My hand was in his and I took notice to how young I felt with him. The war and everything else had aged everyone involved. We felt we lived a hundred lives with all the stress and pressure put on everyone, but when I was with Steve like this, it was different. I felt young and happy and hopeful again, and I could tell he felt the same way. 

 

“Well is it isn’t the lovebirds we all know and love!” We heard Bucky day as he walked over to us. “I hear the first year of marriage is the hardest, do you think you past the test or are you sick of each other already?” He joked and we laughed along with him. 

 

“I think we’re doing great, Buck,” Steve answered. “Maybe it about time we find you someone to settle down with.” 

 

“Never,” he chuckled. “I’m happy for you guys but I’m happier for me. I think I’ll keep things the way they are. Besides, you can get on me for taking too long, you are the king and queen of waiting forever to do anything about your relationship.” I laughed at his words and shook my head. 

 

“Hey,” Steve said in a shocked voice trying to defend our actions of always waiting for the next step since we were just friends back in Brooklyn. 

 

“You know, I don’t think we could share our best friend anyway,” I said. “But if you did find that lucky girl, I’m sure she’d be a gift from God to deal with you.” He mocked a hurt expression at my reading. 

 

“Ah don’t listen to them pal, their married life just doesn’t fit our style,” Howard said with a pat on his shoulder. 

 

“Oh I’m certain the day your married, Howard, will be a day we will all be shocked in,” I said. “But a day of rejoicing nonetheless.” We continued to talk with our friends and then eventually it was just Steve and I again. We didn’t have any big plans, as it was always hard to do with such little resources. However, we were just so happy to be able to spend this day together that we didn’t care. 

 

“When this is all over, where should we go for our honeymoon?” I asked him later in the evening. 

 

“It’s gotta be spectacular if we had to wait over a year to go,” Steve said and I nodded my head. 

 

“Oh yes, something big and completely out of the budget we’ll probably have is the only way I want it.”

 

“I’m Captain America, I’m sure I can get anyone to help us with our dream destination for a few weeks.” I lightly pushed his arm at his words and laughed. 

 

“Now I know that’s not my Steve using his super hero status for self gaining purposes.”

 

“Not for myself, but for the love of my life. I’d use my power, physical or popularity, to get you anything you wanted.”

 

“I greatly appreciate such a generous husband, but we both know I’m happy without extravagant gifts. We’ll figure out a nice quiet place to enjoying each other. Honestly I’d be happy with it just being the two of us again in our own apartment. This time our neighbors won’t be throwing sideways glances at us since we’ll be married.” 

 

“Imagine that, finally living alone together in Brooklyn as a married couple.” He thought about it for a moment and then continued “I couldn’t think of anything better.” I kissed him to show my agreement and because I just took every chance I could to kiss him without seeming like a total lunatic. The lovesick feeling I got with Steve was something I might be embarrassed by if I thought about it too much, but it seemed that Steve didn’t mint when I expressed it. I knew he acted the same with me so much that the end he went on missions with teased him about it from time to time. It wasn’t like before though because these me also respected Steve and were his friends. They didn’t do it in a cruel way, but in a way that Bucky would tease us or we would tease him. I was so happy to see Steve happy not just in our relationship but with the people around us.

 

* * *

  
  


**A/N: So I failed to mention before the reason I put in a miscarriage in their relationship. It wasn’t so much to add drama and more sadness to the story, although I’m sure it did, I had a more personal connection to it. My sister experienced a miscarriage with her husband and it’s hard to explain the pain that it brought them. It was even harder for me to comprehend that pain because I didn’t have experience with it myself. About a year and a half later, they had their first baby and I’m now an Aunt so that’s amazing, but the more I talk to her about it, the more I understand how strange it is to lose a child that was never born. They wanted that baby so bad, and she wasn’t even pregnant for a full trimester. It’s weird to think about if the baby had been born what would their lives be like today, and my sister talks a lot about letting go of those what ifs. Despite seeing two people I love so much go through this, I still wrote about it in my story from first person perspective even though I had an outsider perspective in real life. So there were still things I didn’t know how to write, and additionally, not everyone would have the same exact reactions to a miscarriage. Of course one of my biggest barriers writing this is not being able to know first hand what living in the 30s and 40s is like, but there are also plenty of other aspects about Maddi and Steve that I write but I don’t know enough about it to portray perfectly. So I guess I just wanted to share that in my story, and I hope it makes sense to people.**


	37. Chapter 37

January 26, 1945

 

I walked into the bar/restaurant that held so many memories with just over a year of being in Europe. Within the last few weeks, it had sadly been destroyed in the continuation of the war. Steve sat at a small table alone with a glass of whiskey in his hand. My eyes were sore from crying, but I was able to compose myself well enough to find Steve. He wasn’t the one to tell me Bucky died, it was Peggy after I couldn’t find either of my best friends when their group came back. I didn’t want to believe her but she let me read the report of what happened, and Bucky had fallen from a train during the capture of Zola on their last mission. After crying to Peggy when I finally realized I would never see Bucky again, she asked if I wanted her to look for Steve for me. I told her that I was the one who should be with him, so I calmed down long enough to fund my husband why was just as distraught if not more than I was. If he needed me as much as I needed him, I’d be there. So as sirens were heard from outside, I stepped closer and he must have heard me because he turned to see me staring at him. His eyes were as read as mine probably were, and he cleared his throat and leaned forward trying to hide the fact that we both knew he was crying before. “Dr. Erskine said that the serum wouldn't just affect my muscles, it would affect my cells,” he said in a strained voice as he poured more alcohol into his glass. “Create a protective system of regeneration and healing. Which means, um, I can't get drunk.” He turned to to me and asked, “Did you know that?”

 

“Your metabolism burns four times faster than the average person,” I quietly told him as I grabbed a knocked over chair to sit next to him. “Maybe it’s a good thing too. One night turns into two, which turns into a week; before you know it, you’ve been drunk for over a month straight.” He didn’t anything but I knew he was reminded of my experience with people drinking their sorrows away. It felt like a lifetime ago, but living with my Uncle after my Aunt died caused me to to never even think of picking up a glass of alcohol after, no matter the circumstances. I never forced my personal choice on those closest to me, but I could also never condone drinking as a method to dealing with pain. “It wasn’t your fault,” I spoke up again when he looked down and I knew his mind was back to Bucky. 

 

“Did they let you read the reports?” He asked me, still not looking me in the eyes.

 

“Yes,” I said.

 

He scoffed and shook his head. “Then you know that’s not true,” he answered and I could see the guilt eating away at his heart.

 

“You did everything you could, Steve,” I reached for his hand and he let me take a hold of it. He didn’t respond to my words and I sighed slightly. “It was his choice,” I said with a stern voice. “He knew the risks of following you, and he took them in a heartbeat. Bucky died with dignity and you can’t negate that by blaming yourself. You respected and believed in him just as he did with you.” I squeezed his hand as another involuntary tear rolled down my face. That physical contact with Steve, no matter how small, had always made me feel less like I losing myself and everything around me. When the entire world didn’t make sense and everything hurt, a simple touch from him made me know in my heart that something did make sense. I hoped I could provide that for him in the same way.

 

“I’m going after Schmidt,” he finally replied while still looking down. Through his grief, I could also see anger for the people that took our best friend away. “I’m not gonna stop until all of Hydra is dead or captured.” I took a deep breath knowing what consequences his words brought. I knew the Steve who entered this war was not the same anymore, and I had to make a choice of accepting him or mourning the loss of who he was. Death was something neither of us had ever wished on someone before; we held great disdain for those who caused us harm in our lives, but we were taught to love and forgive when possible. We may not have lived to those teachings in every aspect of our life, but we had never outright aimed to have people killed. Steve joined the war for the honor of protecting his country and those being persecuted, and to see him want to finish it with seeing Hydra dead, it was certainly a shift in what I was used to. However, I saw that beneath his words were a cry for justice for our dear friend, our family. Bucky had been in our lives for what felt like forever, and I knew it was even longer for Steve than for me. I could never fault him for letting something so traumatic as this war change his perspective on life and in result change him. I loved Steve and we loved Bucky and I would also do whatever I could to take down the people who took him away from us.

 

“You won’t be alone,” I told him and he finally looked up at me. I saw all the vulnerability he held and I wanted nothing more than to help him get through this in any way I could because it would also help me get through this loss as well. 

 

* * *

  
  
  


March 10, 1945 (Steve’s POV)

 

We knew by this time, Bucky’s family back home had been notified of his death. We found it recently that his grave would been located in Brooklyn in the very same cemetery as my mother and Maddi’s Aunt. It hurt to think he wouldn’t actually be there when we visited though. His life was unfairly taken, and his body never even got to go home. Our last moments together often replayed in my head. 

 

_ “Remember when Maddi I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?” Bucky asked as we stood at the edge of the mountain. _

 

_ “Yeah and I threw up?” _

 

_ “Is this payback?” _

 

_ “Now why would I do that?” I asked with a smirk on my face.  _

 

Today would have been his birthday and it was hard being alone through it. I was on a mission with the other men to take down more of Hydra, and we were so close to getting Schmidt.

 

_ “I had him on the ropes,” he said after we took out the hydra agent in the train car. _

 

_ “I know you did,” I thought back to when I said the same words to him back when he got rid of the man beating me up years before. _

 

The only thing making me feel better on this day was knowing how close we were. I couldn’t imagine how Maddi was going through this day, and I only hoped Peggy and Howard were there to help. Knowing her, she would probably try to go without acknowledging it, but I couldn’t judge because I was trying to do the same. The nightmares increased as I relived that moment of losing him every night. 

 

_ “Get down!” I yelled to him as I pushed him out of the way the moment I saw a Hydra agents.  _

 

_ “Kill him now!” I heard Zola tell the the Hydra man. As we fought him off, Bucky went flying through the hole in the train that was caused by the blast. I quickly took him out with my shield.  _

 

_ “Bucky! Hang on,” I yelled as I tried to reach him by climbing on the side of towards him. “Grab my hand,” and as I reached out towards him, the piece he held onto broke and he went falling with it. As he fell I could hear him scream but there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t even see him anymore with the train moving swiftly away and the valley being so deep below. I cried as I held myself against the train.  _

 

I hated Zola with every part of my body, and I hated Schmidt more for putting us through all of this. As we waited for Zola to tell us more about Schmidt’s plans, we continued our hunt to take down every other base we could find. I wanted my best friend with me again on these long trips away from my wife. I missed him joking about everything even when nothing seemed funny at all. He was the first person who ever showed anything other than mockery towards me. Sometimes it felt like he wasn’t even really gone, but we were just separated like when he first joined the army and I was still back in the States with Maddi. 

 

* * *

  
  
  


March 10, 1945

 

Today was Bucky’s birthday and it was hard keeping my mind off of it. I hadn’t gotten around to planning a gift or anything yet before it was too late to matter anymore. I try to think about how it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because he would have been off with Steve on a mission, but I knew that was ridiculous because there was a difference from him being on a mission and coming back and him being gone forever. It reminded me too much of how easy it was for Steve to also never come back one day. I probably wouldn’t even know he was dead until later because that’s how it was with Bucky.


	38. Chapter 38

March 29, 1945. 

I sat in a conference with Steve and his men along with Howard, Peggy, and Colonel Phillips. Steve sat at one end of the table and the map of discussion was on the other side. Zola had finally released information upon the promise of death otherwise, and we were discussing our options.

“Johann Schmidt thinks he’s a god and he’s willing to blow up half the world to prove it.” Colonel Phillips gave us all the knowledge he learned about the situation and his words were frightening. “Starting with the United States.”

“He’s working with powers beyond our capabilities,” Howard told the people around the table.

“We’ve tried to match his defenses, but our resources are extremely limited compared to his,” I added. “If he gets across the Atlantic, he’ll wipe out the entire eastern seaboard in an hour.” I made eye contact with Steve as he looked up from the paper in his hand, and his expression mirrored the worry in my mind.

“How much time do we have?” Someone asked.

“According to my new best friend, under 24 hours,” Phillips answered since he had the answers to most of our questions.

“Where is he now?” voiced another person but I couldn’t see who.

“Hydra’s last base is here in the Alps,” he replied pointing to a map. “It’s 500 feet below the surface.”

“So what are we supposed to do? It’s not like you can just knock on the front door?” I asked concerned beyond belief, but then I hesitated. “Or I mean, can you?” I joked with a nervous laugh knowing Steve and his team were entirely capable of the impossible sometimes.

“Why not?” Steve asked in a serious tone. “That’s exactly what we’re gonna do.” He then went on to tell us a plan of using him as a distraction. He would try to infiltrate their base alone to draw their attention away, and everyone else would show up to stop Schmidt and his plans. As everyone went to suit up and get ready for the fight. I was left with Howard and Peggy as their gathered their things and Peggy was about to leave to get ready as well.

“I want to be there,” I said immediately when I knew they were going to finally get him.

“Maddi, you have no training out there-“ she tried to argue but I cut her off.

“I don’t care, he’s the reason my friend is dead. Please let me go with you,” I begged as I was already putting my jacket on to leave. “I’ll stay back until it’s safer, but I need to be there when it’s all over.”

“Maddi they can’t guarantee your safety out there. We can wait here,” Howard tried to reason with me but I wouldn’t have it.

“I’m tired of waiting here. I know it’s crazy because I would have no real way of protecting myself please Peggy, let me be a part of this.”

She gave me a hard stare before letting out a defeated sigh. “Goodness Maddi, alright go change first, we can’t have you coming with us in a skirt!” I thanked her am million times as I went to find my bag with a spare pair of pants inside. Steve had already left ahead of us, and I said goodbye without telling him I would be right behind him. I knew he wouldn’t let me anywhere near Schmidt and Hydra’s base, so I kept quiet. As we left, I stuck with Peggy and Colonel Phillips saw me when it was probably too late to send me back.

“Carter, why in the hell did you let her come?” he asked angrily.

“I can sneak around, you might even find me useful,” I spoke up before Peggy could reply.

“I find you useful alive, Bennett,” people still referred to me with my maiden name sometimes because it was easier to differentiate between me and Steve in situations like these. “Can you at least handle a gun?” I had never held one until that day, but I nodded nonetheless. I saw Peggy role her eyes as she was the one who went over the basics with me before we left. She told me there was no way she was letting me out there without some sort of protection. As we made it to the base, it was just in time for the army of soldiers to attack against Hydra. I swiftly snuck to the side and was surprisingly able to make it through several rooms without being noticed. The men charging at each other were being hit and it stunned me to see some of our men evaporate into thin air after being shot by guns that Howard and I spent months trying to figure out.

I saw someone aim their gun in my direction, and I panicked to respond with my own but then one of the men on Steve’s team shot him for me. “Jesus Madeline, Steve is gonna kill everyone who knew about you coming to this,” he said and I chuckled in relief from having my life just saved.

“I’ll be alright, thanks!” I slipped into the next room and found something that could definitely be considered useful. The car before me looked fast and like the perfect ride to catch a plane about to take off. I got behind the wheel, a little bit rusty on my driving skills, but I easily picked it up again as I saw Peggy and Phillips running ahead of me. “What did I tell ya?” I asked with a smile on my face when I pulled up to them. I quickly hopped into the back seat as Peggy climbed in next to me and Phillips into the front with a small smile on his face as well.

“Since when did you become so reckless?” Peggy asked me as we drove to find Steve.

“I wouldn’t say reckless, but you know I’ve always been determined.” She shook her head in disbelief and laughed. As we drove, we saw the plane about to take off in front of us, and we saw Steve trying to chase after it on foot.

We pulled up next to him and he turned as Phillips told him “get in!” He climbed into the car and only then did he seem to notice me sitting in the back.

“Maddi what on Earth are you doing here?” He yelled over the noise of the plane taking off.

“I needed to be here, for Bucky. I promised you wouldn’t be alone,” I said. I could tell he remembered my words but he was so in shock with my presence. “Besides, I found you this ride, so be happy I’m crazy enough to follow you literally anywhere!” he shook his head and actually smiled, which was a pleasant surprise given the situation.

“Keep it steady,” he said as we got closer and he stood up on the car.

“Wait!” I called to him. I grabbed the strap on his chest and pulled him into a kiss. I poured my entire heart into the kiss because I suddenly realized that once he got on that plane, there was no telling what could happen. He must have realized the same thing because I felt every bit of love he held for me in that kiss. There was not a doubt in the world that I was meant to be kissing anyone else in that moment, and I wanted nothing more than for it to last forever. Sadly, we had to pull away and he looked into my eyes for a second. “I love you,” I said with complete earnest. “Now go get ‘em!”

“I love you,” he said and I smiled. He turned back towards the plane and glanced at the other members in the car while he did.

“I’m not kissing you,” Phillips said in a serious voice and it made me laugh and shake my head. Steve made his way to the front of the plane and as he leaped towards the landing gear, our car spun around to avoid flying off the edge of the approaching cliff. As we came to a stop, I turned around and watched the plane leave with the love of my life on it.

 

I waited with the others in the control room to know if Steve had successfully defeated Schmidt. After a while, we heard his voice from the radio say “come in, this is Captain Rogers. Do you read me?”

 

“Captain Rogers, what is your-” Jim began to ask into the radio but I had quickly rushed over to him and interrupted. He moved out of the seat and I sat to speak into the radio.

 

“Steve is that you? Are you alright?”

 

“Maddi!” He said after I spoke. “Schmidt’s dead.” I sighed in relief at his words.

 

“What about the plane?” I questioned. 

 

“That’s a little bit tougher to explain.” I hesitated in replying because I my worry was increasing.

 

“Give us your coordinates, we can find you a safe landing site.” Peggy said next to me when I failed to say anything.

 

“There’s not gonna be a safe landing.” His words made my head spin in confusion, “but I can try to force it down.”

 

“I...I’ll get Howard on the line.” I finally said, trying to find some way to fix this. “He’ll know what to do.”

 

“Sweetheart, there’s not enough time. This thing’s moving too fast and it’s heading for New York.” I felt myself already crying as I knew what he was planning to do. Hearing him say it only made me feel like my heart had stopped. “I gotta put her in the water.”

 

“Please Steve,” I cried to him. “Don’t do this. We have time, we can figure this out. I can’t lose you; I can’t, not like this.” 

 

“Right now I’m in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer, a lot of people are gonna die.” I knew he was right, but I didn’t want him to be. We had made it so far, I couldn’t bare it to end now. I was stupid enough to dream about what it would be like to be back home together in Brooklyn once this was all over, and now it would never happen. “Maddi, this is my choice.” he said after I didn’t reply. I knew he said this to release me from any future guilt that might build in me from this moment. The thought that I could have done more just like he did when Bucky died. I had told him then that it was Bucky’s choice to follow him, and he knew that I would need this reminder. 

 

“I know,” I was barely able to make out the words. I had to assure him that I understood what he meant. 

 

“I got your picture with me,” he told me and I could practically hear his smile and it actually put a small one on my face. “I’m looking at it right now.” I knew he was referring to the small one he had put on the top part of his compass. I had playfully complained before that I wish he had picked a better one, but he told me he loved every picture of me so it was staying there. “Maddi?” He said and I realized I had been lost in the memory and hadn’t said anything.

 

“I’m here,” I strained to say as more tears rolled down my face. I was pulled back to reality and it hurt just as much as the initial blow of the situation.

 

“We’re just gonna have to wait a bit longer for our honeymoon,” he said and squeezed my eyes close trying not to fall apart.

 

“Well we’ve always been good at waiting,” I said, holding back more crying. Before he left to infiltrate Hydra’s last base we had discussed that we could finally start our honeymoon now that the war was coming to an end. We joked about leaving everyone behind to because the minute Schmidt was dead, we deserved to spend time just the two of us anywhere in the world. “You and I will start it next week, alright?”

 

“You got it,” he answered. 

 

“No more excuses after that, we’ll have a whole month with no interruptions, understood?” I was glad he gave me something to pretend about. It was nice to hear his voice and memorize everything I could as I knew I would never hear it again. 

 

“We can pick out the fanciest and most relaxing kind of trip out there. Nothing but the best for my best girl.”

 

“You know I don’t need all of that, just be there. I love you, and I want nothing more than to spend time with the man I love.”

 

“I can’t wait, and I love you too.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “Maddi, you know there’s no one in the world I love more than yo-” and he was cut off by the sound of static. 

 

“Steve?” I asked with my voice shaking but I heard no reply. “Steve?” I tried again but there was still nothing but static. It was too fast, I needed more time with him. I couldn’t say goodbye, and I fiddled with radio trying anything to get one more second with him. “Steve?” I said this time with before I started sobbing. My Steve was gone and I wanted nothing more but to be held in his arms. I didn’t even notice that I was alone in the room as I cried into my arms with my head on the table in front of me. He was my true love and he was gone. 

  
  


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October 20, 2011 (STEVE’S POV) 

 

I woke up slowly as my eyes opened and I was laying on a bed alone in a small room. My attention was drawn the only noise in the room coming from a radio in the corner. As I sat up, I listened to the game more intently as I heard it was a Dodgers Phillies game. I wasn’t wearing my Captain America uniform, but just a standard army shirt and pants. My head snapped to the radio as I realized it was a play by play of the game I went to with Maddi and Bucky. I couldn’t be mistaken by it because it was such a memorable part of the game with an in the park grand slam by the Dodgers. As I remembered how excited we all were, I was quickly reminded that Bucky was gone and I needed to find Maddi. I was clearly not in a safe place if whoever was keeping me in that room wanted me to believe this false radio show of the game was actually in real time like it should be. How could anyone play a New York baseball game from years before on a simple radio? Just then a woman walked through the door and made eye contact with me. 

 

“Good morning,” she said with a smile on her face. She glanced at her watch and then corrected “or should I say afternoon.” I was tense and looked at her with confusion. She was dressed like someone in the US military, but I knew that there was no way should could be. 

 

“Where am I?” I asked, dismissing her light nature.

 

“You’re in a recovery room in New York City.” I stared at her trying to read the lie on her face but she made it hard. The radio caught my attention again as I heard the sports announcer say how everyone was on their feets celebrating the amazing play. I knew there was no doubt that was the game we went to not a week before I proposed to her. It was such a joyous time in our life, I had it all practically memorized even if it was a few years back. 

 

I looked back up to the woman and asked her again “where am I really?”

 

She gave me a confused look but I also could tell there was a hint of worry behind it. She knew I caught her in the act. “I’m afraid I don’t understand,” she tried.

 

“The game,” I told her. “It’s from May, 1941. I know because I was there.” Her smile instantly fell from her face and I sat up walking towards her. I needed to know where I was, and I needed to get out to find Maddi. If I was with an enemy, she could be in danger too and I wouldn’t even know it. “Now I’m gonna ask you again, Where am I?”

 

“Captain Rogers,” she tried to say but I wasn’t having it anymore. 

 

“Who are you?” I shouted and two other men game through the door and I jumped back slightly. I knew there was only one way I was getting out of this mess. I threw them both against the wall as they tried to get closer to grab me. To my surprise, the went flying right through it and as I jumped through the hole I realized it wasn’t even a real wall. As I looked around I saw a close to empty larger room with two giant pictures of New York buildings to try and trick me earlier. 

 

“Captain Rogers, wait!” The woman yelled but I ignored her and ran out the nearest door. I could hear her warning the others in the building from some noise above me as I continued to run to find a way out of this place. I was moving too fast to take much of my surroundings in as I pushed people out of my way when they tried to attack me. I went through another door and I was outside, except it didn’t look like any place I had seen before. How did these people find me when I crashed the plane, and where did they take me? Would I be able to find Maddi here, or was she somewhere else safe with Peggy or Howard? I ran and heard a noise next to me and saw what looked like it could be very strange cars stopping next to me. I kept running in a new direction until I came to the middle of the street and saw nothing but giant colorful pictures in every direction. Some of them were moving and they looked all too real to be like the movies I used to watch back home. People were everywhere walking and cars were driving and it just made me freeze in place. I spun around trying to comprehend any of what I was seeing, but I couldn’t figure anything out. My brain was lost and I didn’t know how I was gonna get home. Suddenly several large black cars circled around me and men, who I knew were there for me, came out towards me. 

 

“At ease, soldier,” I heard from behind me and I spun around to see a man with an eye patch looking at me and I knew he was the one who spoke up. 

 

“Who are you?” I asked as he walked towards me.

 

“Colonel Nick Fury, Director of SHIELD You would have known us as the Strategic Scientific Reserve.” I wondered if this man knew Peggy or Maddi. He’d have to if he were telling the truth.

 

“Where am I?”

 

46th and Broadway,” he answered and he must have thought I was crazy. There was no way this was New York City. “look I’m sorry about that little show back there, but we thought it’d be best to break it to you slowly.” 

 

“Break what?” I needed to know what was going on. 

 

“You’ve been asleep, Cap, for almost 70 years.” I looked at him like he was crazy but then I began to look around again at my surroundings. The buildings were taller than ever, and the pictures still confused and frightened me, but maybe he was right. Even if I was captured by an enemy, no Nazi country looked like this. This was the New York in the future? I still couldn’t wrap my head around it though. Just then, I realized something terrible about what he told me. It had been 70 years, which meant everyone I knew was probably gone. Maddi, my sweet beautiful Madeline, was either dead or very close to it. How did I end up here at the end of everyone else’s life that they all lived without me. “You gonna be okay?” the man, Fury, asked me.

 

“Yeah,” I breathed as I tried to think if I really was going to be alright or not. I knew my answer was probably a lie. I thought back to the last conversation I had with Maddi before crashing into the water, the way she told me she loved me and how I told her how much I loved her. “Yeah I just…” I kept looking around in search of answers to questions I didn’t even know yet. My Maddi lived the rest of her life without me and we had only been married a little over a year. “I missed my honeymoon.” I finally finished, as I recalled us dreaming of plans together when the war was finished. It broke me inside, and all I wanted to do was find her and understand what happened. 

 

 

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October 21, 2011

 

After a day of letting people take my blood and run various tests on me, I was finally able to look for some answers about the people I left behind. “We have some files available you can take a look at. The men from the Howling Commandos, the other people you worked with,” one of the SHIELD agents told me when I asked. “You wife,” he said after giving me a sad look. I didn’t know how well these people knew about Maddi, but I needed to find out anything I could.

 

As I went through them, mostly everyone I had known before was already dead. Peggy was still alive and retire, Howard had died twenty years before and he had a son take over his company. As I reached Maddi’s file, I got scared to read it. I didn’t know what I wanted to find out. Did she remarry and have children, was she still alive? I took a deep breath and opened it and saw a picture of her and she looked as beautiful as I remembered. I read her information and saw she worked with the SSR for a while and was one of the founding members of SHIELD. She worked with Howard and contributed to much of its early development. Then I finally had the courage to look at the potential date of death and was heartbroken to see one written under her date of birth. What really struck me hard and caused me to become more than confused, was that the date marked April 12, 1958. “Uh, excuse me,” I asked the person who handed me the files. “This can’t be right here.” I pointed to the date on her paper and he looked at it. “Maybe you got a few numbers wrong but Madeline Rogers couldn’t have died in `58.” 

 

Just then, Nick Fury walked in the room and I seemed to realize he always showed up at the perfect moments. “Oh no, that’s right,” he said and I just stared at him. “Sadly Dr. Rogers, formerly Miss Bennett, died in a laboratory explosion in 1958. I’m really sorry for the loss of your wife, she was an important part of building SHIELD and filling in the gaps on your life. However, not many people seem to know that because otherwise she kept to herself and just a few other people. I’m sure you could find historical records about her, but she doesn’t get as much credit in this organization or even in the country for the work she did because of her early death.” I couldn’t even hear half of what he said because my entire body felt like it was being punched over and over again. This was worse than finding out she remarried and had kids and had a long happy life without me. She didn’t get any of that because she didn’t live long after I crashed in the plane. 

 

“She wasn’t even 40 yet,” I breathed out loud and it broke me. Maddi didn’t remarry in the 13 years she was alone, and she died. How could this have happened? A laboratory explosion? What could have caused such a thing that killed her? Were others dead from it as well? I knew I had to go searching for every bit of historical information about the rest life, I wanted to know everything I could. I wanted to know if she was at least happy in the time that she was given here on Earth. I wondered how different the fifties were to now and if she would be just as amazed at future as I was if she could see it all. I prayed that we could someday meet again in heaven, because I knew if anyone deserved to be there right now, it was Maddi. I didn’t know how I was going to live on without her here, especially knowing that she met such a sad and quick end so long ago. 

 

 

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**A/N: So we have officially come to find out the sad fate of Maddi and Steve. I still have more to write though because I want to go back to the 40s and continue from Maddi’s point of view and fill in some gaps. I’m not gonna lie, I’m actually really sad about this. I hope you all don’t hate me too much and that you are willing to keep reading to hear the rest of Maddi’s story. I was planning for this to be the way she died a long time ago, and now it’s time to see it through. Thank you so much for all your support I would love to hear your reactions to this mega long chapter! I put so much work into it because I wanted it to go exactly how I would picture it!**


	39. Chapter 39

May 10, 1945

 

We all traveled back to Britain shortly after Germany surrendered. I had stayed behind with Peggy and Howard until then because I truly didn’t feel like I had anywhere else to go. I could have gone home to look for Bucky’s family, but it would have felt too strange considering everything I went through in Europe without them. I needed to be with people who understood my feelings because they were there through it all. Phillips had pulled strings for me with the US government to make sure no memorial or representing gravesite would be established before I went back home. I was grateful for it because I wanted to be there when they honored Steve. I sat at a bar with the rest of Steve’s team and our friends, and  didn’t really talk to anyone. They were celebrating our victory, and I just kept thinking about what Steve would be saying if he were there. People probably thought I was crazy because from time to time it was like he was still there and I could hear him make a sarcastic remark or tell me something funny. I would smile weakly and sometimes reply in a whisper. “Maddi, come here,” I heard from the group of people about to make a toast. I slowly stood up and walked towards them. I felt like I was constantly in some kind of pain. My heart was always hurting, and it took so much energy just to get through one day at a time. 

 

“Yes?” I asked them once I got closer.

 

“We were about to toast Steve, but we wanted to make you a part of it too,” Jim replied. “Would you like a drink?” 

 

“No, no, thank you.” I declined. I still held on to my no drinking rule. I could see the appeal people found in escaping reality by getting drunk because I wanted nothing more than to do just that, but I knew Steve wouldn’t want me to give up my personal ethics because of him. I saw Peggy look at me with a sad smile. She had been so wonderful with me this past month, and I couldn’t have gotten through it without her. The same went for Howard, and I was so grateful to have friends who cared about me as much as they did. She handed me a glass of water and I thanked her for it.

 

“To the Captain,” someone said with their glass up and everyone echoed his words. “And to his wife,” they all tilted their glasses to me. “Who we are all very proud of.” I lifted my glass slightly as a thanks and they all drank. I took a small sip of my water and my mind zoned out a bit in thought. I couldn’t help but hope I would have and would continue to make Steve proud. It was torture living through everyday knowing he was gone, but I kept doing it for him. I still had a ton of life ahead of me and I couldn’t waste it. 

  
  
  
  


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June 1, 1945

 

We were back in New York as the war continued on with Japan. I was to meet with good old Senator Brandt to discuss the public funeral arrangements. I asked Peggy and Howard to accompany me because I didn’t want to break down in front of that man without support there. We never liked each other, and he was the last person I wanted to have this discussion with. “Are you sure you can do this?” Howard asked me with concern before we walked in.

 

“Yes, I have to. They waited this long so that I could be here, I need to make sure everything is right.” 

 

“Alright,” Peggy said. “But we’ll be here to make sure everything is how you want it to be.” As we walked into Brandt’s office, he had a table set up already with plans for the ‘burial’ and service. 

 

“Ah Miss Bennett, wonderful to see you,” he said with an obviously fake smile. He held out his hand and I shook it.

 

“It’s Mrs. Rogers,” was my only reply. His smile strained more and he turned to my friends.

 

“Mr. Stark, Agent Carter,” and they shook hands as well. “I wasn’t expecting you two here.” 

 

“We’re here for Maddi,” Peggy said, making her disdain for him clear. 

 

“Yes so, let’s get to it!” We sat across from each other at the table and my friends sat on either side of me. It felt like a protective shield that I was happy to have. “So we already have pretty much all the arrangements made, we just wanted to run them by you before going ahead with them. Despite not having a body to bury, we have decided to go with burying a casket in D.C. anyway. It will give the public a nice place to visit and remember him by. The public service will be held at the cemetery, and we’ve gotten a presbyterian preacher I’m sure you’ll like; I’ve heard you’re rather religious. Here is what the tombstone would look like,” he said all of this very fast and I had trouble keeping up. The picture he handed me was a design of a tombstone that said Captain America in large letters at the top just below a small design of the American flag. Then it contained the dates July 4, 1918 - March 29, 1945 just below that. Finally at the bottom in smaller letters it wrote ‘Steven Rogers died believing in and fighting for his country.’ I stared at it with my eyebrows furrowed. “We hope to have this all worked out in time for the start of next week, the US government will go ahead and fly you down to be there and since you were his wife, the flag on his casket will be presented to you,” Senator Brandt continued and it broke me out of my trance.

 

“No,” said clearly as I looked up at him.

 

“Excuse me?” He asked with a puzzled look. 

 

“I said no. This is all wrong; everything you said, everything in this picture, is wrong.” Peggy took hold of my hand as I spoke and I knew she agreed with me.

 

He paused as he narrowed his eyes at me before saying “well Ms. Rogers, these were the arrangements I planned with my team to do months ago, but we ordered to wait for you. We waited, and we’re not going back on our plannings now. Surely you understand this was just a formality to have you come and approve these.”

 

“Now I’m sure you don’t mean that, Senator,” Howard spoke up. “This is the wife of Steve Rogers, and she gets to decide how his funeral will be. You will listen to what she has to say,” his tone was serious and held none of his natural joking tone. I knew it was my turn to speak up and so I did.

 

“For starters,” I began. “He cannot be buried in D.C. because he belongs in Brooklyn with his family.”

 

“But-” he tried to say but I cut him off.

 

“I know he won’t actually be buried, but neither was Bucky!” my voice raised a bit when I knew how he was going to try to argue out of that one. “I don’t care if it’ll be empty, his grave will go by his parents’ and by his best friend’s.” I composed myself a bit more before continuing. “Also, I’m not Presbyterian and neither was Steve. His service will be held in a Catholic Church just like his mother’s was almost 10 years ago and how his father was 18 years before that. Then the traditional military funeral will carry on as we proceed to the cemetery.”

 

“He is a figure of the American people. No offense to you or your religion, but we cannot have his funeral represent America in a Catholic Church,” Brandt said and I listened before replying.

 

“Senator, I do think you mean offense when you say things like that,” I stood my ground in my words. I used my desire to do right by Steve to give myself the energy to get through this meeting. Howard and Peggy watched and didn’t say a thing as I fought for what I believe Steve would have wanted, and nobody knew him better than I did. “Lastly, this tombstone will not be going at my husband’s grave. He was more than just Captain America, so I will not stand by as you let that be put in place of his actual name.” My voice was strong and threatening because I knew Steve would hate the tombstone. He expressed many times how he was happy to be Captain America, but he wished people saw Steve first.” 

 

“Ms. Rogers, your demands are out of place considering you made us wait so long. You cannot expect us to really bend to your every wish. Steve Rogers loved his country more than anything, and we want the American people to know that about their Captain,” he said and I blew up at his words.

 

“But he didn’t just love his country!” I yelled as I stood up fast in anger. “He loved God, and he loved his friends, and his family and me!” A few tears involuntarily rolled down my face. “He loved me.” Everyone remained quiet as I wiped the tears away and stood straighter. “So his tombstone will be titled Steven Grant Rogers because that’s who he was and then the dates below. I’m hat American flag should be accompanied by a cross, and the bottom will read ‘Beloved husband, Son, and Friend.’ And then only below that can you write ‘Captain Rogers died serving our country’ like a soldier, not like some public figure you tried to make him be before he proved to everyone what he was capable of.” After I spoke, I felt so much weight lift from my body and I knew I did the right thing. I could practically hear Steve saying next to me ‘That’s my girl, you don’t let anyone walk over you.’ 

 

“If he loved you so much more than his country, tell me why did he choose to die for the American people instead of stay with you?” Brandt said with cruelty in his voice and Peggy and Howard immediately shot up next to me.

 

“That’s enough!” Howard told him. “This funeral will be done Maddi’s way, and you will not say such bullshit lies to her.”

 

“This was a wonderful meeting Senator, but I can assure you by the end of the day you will no longer be in charge of this task. Good day, and please, don’t come to the funeral. After this disrespect to Captain Rogers and his wife, you will not be welcomed.” Howard wrapped his arm around me protectively and they both led me out the door. As we left the building, I heard Steve saying in my head ‘Don’t you dare listen to that awful man. I love you. Maddi, you know there’s no one in the world I love more than you.’ They were his last words, and I kept them close to my heart at all times. 

 

 

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**A/N: I’m so grateful for how many follows and favorites are on this story! I hope you continue to like and read it until the end! I’d love to hear your thoughts!!**


	40. Chapter 40

June 10, 1945

 

I stood next to Howard as he stood next to Peggy and after her was Colonel Phillips. Behind us were the rest of the Howling Commandos. In addition to us, were various members of the US government who told me there names but they slipped past me instantly. There were also a few other important looking civilians and military people along with some reporters. I could feel many eyes on me throughout the entire service and as we traveled to the cemetery for the burial. It felt so silly that I was at the center of attention for a lot of these people because it wasn’t my funeral. I figured it was understandable that my two friends made consistent nervous glances my way, and it even made a bit of sense that the other men in Steve’s and my life overseas were also silently looking out for me. What caused me confusion was all the people I didn’t recognize, all the people who didn’t really know Steve that were staring at me just as much as they were staring at the empty casket. Maybe they thought I wasn’t doing the whole ‘widow thing’ correctly because I hadn’t cried at all. I said the prayers as I stared forward without any emotion on my face because it didn’t feel real. Steve wasn’t even there to be buried with his family, and most of this entire event felt more like a time for people who didn’t know him to mourn. That thought alone made me even a little angry inside because how could they mourn someone they never knew? They all needed a designated day to mourn a man they never met, while I had been mourning every single day and I felt like I would probably never stop. 

 

Of course I told myself earlier that I wanted this funeral just as much as anyone else. I had missed Bucky’s fake burial, and I remembered feeling sad but slightly better at all the previous funerals I attended throughout my life. I guessed it was soothing to see those I love be prayed over and then set into a place that would always keep their bodies safe as their souls went on to heaven. Being at this funeral, I knew it didn’t give me that same feeling because even though his stone said exactly what I knew would honor him best, and the entire event was as close as it could be to how I wanted it, his body wouldn’t be near his parents like it should have been. My Steve was lost somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about how cold that must be. Bucky must be just as cold as he had been in the Alps since January. 

 

Steve’s hands were always cold before the procedure, mostly due to his anemia, and I would often hold them in mine trying to warm them as we sat together listening to the radio. My hands were always naturally warm; he would joke about how it must have been my southern blood that did the trick even though Tennessee wasn’t really southern enough for that to make any sense. My hands had been so consistently cold since I last saw him, and I had honestly gotten used to the feeling. It was almost as if my body knew that my other half was spending the rest of eternity in freezing cold water, far away from everyone who loved him. 

 

The men on his team carried his empty casket with the American flag draped over it to the cemetery. We had traveled here from the church we held the service at, and now I stood closest to the burial site as they folded the flag in continuation of the military funeral traditions. Despite being right in front watching it all, I still felt a thousand miles away, probably somewhere in the Atlantic with my best friend. A man presented me with Steve’s folded flag, and I held on to it like it was the only thing keeping me grounded. As more words were said and music was played, I just continued to clutch the flag, wishing it was Steve’s hand instead. The ceremony ended with loud gunshots that rang in honor of my husband. 

 

It was already a gloomy day as the sun didn’t shine and the air felt wet like it usually did after a heavy rain. Even the Earth was mourning the loss of Steve. “Maddi?” I finally heard my name being said softly by Peggy. I see her and Howard in front of me. I look around me and see that most people have left the cemetery already. “Are you ready?” She asked and I glanced down at the flag still in my grip. I nod my head but then I remembered I should visit the other members of our family located in the same cemetery. Steve would have wanted to if he were still here.

 

“Just one moment actually,” I quietly said. I walked the short distance to Steve’s mother and father and stood in silence, not knowing what to say. I find the right words as tears finally begin to roll down my face. I always thought I must have run out of tears because I cried so much in the last few months, but they always seemed to come back. This was the first time the entire day I felt like tears would actually be appropriate as I stood before Steve’s parent’s gravestones. “You would have been so proud of him,” I tell them, hoping they were proud of the wonderful man Steve was. Not just of the sacrifices he made, but of the honorable and kind person he was. I went to Bucky next, and it was the first time I saw his tombstone. I knew the grave was empty like Steve’s; he was lost forever in the middle of Europe, but his parents had told me it was nice to have a set location to visit. I tried to keep that in mind as thoughts of Steve not really being in Brooklyn ever again continued to consume me. Finally, I went to my Aunt. I thanked her for being there for me when she could and for helping me become a woman strong enough to face these challenges in front of me. I didn’t know how I was getting through each day, but all I could even hope to do was at least try.

 

“Let’s get you home,” Howard said as I walked back to my two friends. The problem was that I didn’t want to go home. It held too many memories between Steve and I, and it had been so hard being able to sleep in our bed all alone. While we were gone in Europe and around the US before that, Bucky’s little sister had been staying in our apartment so that the landlord wouldn’t give it to someone else. All of our stuff was still there, and it was strange seeing it look so similar to how it was when we left. Years had passed, and my life changed in a million different ways, yet the apartment was still the same. “ _Come stay at my place, there’s plenty of room,”_ Howard had said on numerous occasions because he knew how I felt about my apartment. I always told him no and that I would be fine handling things on my own. However, he didn’t let me refuse his offer to have me continue to work with his growing company. I needed the distraction as much as I knew deep down I wanted the job anyway, so I would be starting up officially whenever I felt ready to go back. 

 

I sat alone at our small dining table and looked around at the quiet apartment. It felt so incredibly empty without Steve and Bucky there to constantly make me laugh. I wanted to do something to make everything feel better, but I felt beyond helpless.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


December 21, 1945

 

I was walking around Howard’s large house greeting the guests who had come over for his Christmas party. I begged him to let me organize and host it for him so that I could continue to have something to distract myself with. I had been working with Stark Industries as well as Howards own personal projects with the United States Government since the mid June. I couldn’t handle doing nothing all day much longer after Steve’s funeral, I needed to do something to feel like I wasn’t wasting away my days. On my own time, I often worked on theorizing ways to continue Dr. Erskine’s work. I had spent hours upon hours trying to research what I could of what he developed before he died. It was extremely hard, considering much of it was classified government information that I just wasn’t allowed access to. I was trying to do this because I thought it might be something Steve would like to see. He was so devastated that the man who believed in him was killed and everyone was upset that his work was lost with him. I hadn’t told anyone I was working on it, I wasn’t even sure it would lead to anything anyway. Pretty much everything I was doing with my time was to distract myself from no longer having Steve with me, and that included throwing this party. Howard had questioned me before in concern when I asked if I could be in charge of it. 

 

_“Maddi, you’re always working now. Are you sure planning this party is a good idea?” He asked me as we ate lunch together._

 

_“Of course,” I told him while nodding my head. “I love Christmas, this will be a perfect way for me to ease up on working and do something fun for everyone to celebrate.”_

 

_He looked at me in thought for a moment before continuing with his words carefully. “I just figured you should take it easy this time of year because it’s your first Christmas without Steve and-”_

 

_“But it’s not my first Christmas without Steve,” I replied sharply. I had plenty of Christmases before I met him and I was sure there were a few I spent without him since. I also especially didn’t like talking about how my life was constantly different without Steve there, and I didn’t want it to ruin a chance for me to maybe truly be happy for the first time in so long._

 

_“Alright,” he said, sounding even more concerned than before. “I just want to make sure you don’t overwork yourself.”_

 

_I gave him a strained smile and replied “I know. Thank you, I just think I really need this right now, you know? I want to get myself into that Christmas spirit and make sure everything is perfect for the party.”_

 

_“Okay, just promise me you’ll cut back on some of the other projects you’re working on right now. I don’t want to see you losing sleep over this.” Howard had been trying his best to look after me over the months and I greatly appreciated his friendship. Peggy had also helped, but it was Howard who I saw more through work and that led to a bit of a stronger friendship between us._

 

_“Of course, I’ll be fine!”_

 

I tried to work a bit less like I said I would, but the closer I got to Christmas, the harder I found it was to sleep. I just felt better when I was working on Stark Industry projects or the Christmas party or Erskine’s serum, so I spent much of my time doing just that. I personally felt all my hard work was a wonderful success. Everyone was socializing and having a grand time in Howards large home. He lived in a mansion in the middle of Manhattan, and it was a place larger than I could ever imagine living in. I still lived in my small apartment I had with Steve, despite Howard’s occasional offer for me to move in to his place so I didn’t have to live alone. I often teased him that his line of many women wouldn’t enjoy me living there. 

 

I had the entire main floor decorated to fit the holiday, and there was music always playing as we hired a live band to play Christmas songs. Important people from his company and other wealthy citizens of New York celebrated the coming of the first Christmas since the war had ended. Everyone was dressed in formal attire, and there were people serving food and drinks to the guests. I saw Peggy speaking with Howard and walked up to greet her. “Peggy, it’s so good to see you!” I said with a smile.

 

“It’s great to see you, Maddi. This is a marvelous party you threw and your gown is stunning!”

 

“Thank you,” I said as I looked down at my deep green floor length dress and blushed. “This is definitely an event I never imagined myself at, let alone hosting. Howard here had only one request, and that was to go so far over top so it would be the most extravagant party I had ever been to,” I told her with a laugh. While all the elements to the event was fun to experience, I couldn’t help but think back to how I felt much more comfortable in more humble settings. 

 

“Well I bet you succeeded,” she replied as she smiled with me. Suddenly her eyes became more serious as she spoke again. “How are you doing, Maddi?”

 

I felt pain in my chest as I knew she why she was asking me because it wasn’t just a courtesy question like all the guests asked each other. It was serious question that a friend asks in concern for another friend. I put on another wide smile and said “I’m perfect, it’s Christmas after all.” 

 

“Yes but-” she started but I cut her off.

 

“Peggy I’m as fine as ever; please enjoy the party. I should really go greet some more guests, as should you Howard, it is your house.” I left the two before they could say anything else and continued to smile and speak with different people. I knew people thought I should be always sad, but I couldn’t let myself feel sad. It hurt too much, and I found ignoring it to feel much better. I knew better than anyone how to mourn over loved ones, and while Steve was the hardest person I’ve ever lost, I could handle it without crying every day. 

 

As I was finishing a very boring conversation with the wife of one of Howard’s business partners, I heard the band begin to play a Christmas song I hadn’t heard in a long time. My smile immediately dropped from my face and everything felt further away than before. I tried to snap myself out of it and ignore the music, but I couldn’t stop listening to the singer. Howard was by my side so fast, I didn’t even see him walking towards me. 

 

“Maddi?” he asked me carefully. “Are you alright?” His questioned pulled me out of my own head and I looked directly at him.

 

“Of course I’m alright, why wouldn’t I be alright? It’s Christmas,” I said quickly. I gave him a pained smile and continued “Why are you here asking me if I’m alright? You should be finding some pretty girl to here to finish the evening with once everyone leaves, that’s what you always do so why are you wasting your time asking me ridiculous questions?”

 

He sighed and put a hand on my shoulder but I shrugged it off immediately. “Maddi, what’s going on?” I could feel a few people watching me, and it put me even more on edge.

 

“Nothing Howard, nothing is going on. I was just listening to the beautiful Christmas music. It’s beautiful, don’t you think? _I’ll Be Home For Christmas_.” I told him the name of the song playing a my breath was picking up. “It was written and became very popular a few years ago; Steve told me it was his favorite. Did you know that? He said it was because I was his home and he would always come back to me.”

 

“Maddi I-”

 

“And while we never danced to this particular song, I can’t help but wish we had. Or maybe that would be worse because he’s not coming back to me this year. He’s not coming back to me any year because he’s gone.” My breathes were incredibly staggered as I started crying and many more people were staring at me but I hardly cared anymore. All I could think about was the song and how cruel it was to play here when surly there were others in the room who had lost someone during The War. Most of all, the realization that he truly wasn’t coming back this Christmas or any other Christmas ever again was so painful, my entire body hurt. “He’s gone!” I let out a strangled cry and I started shaking all over as I put my hand over my mouth as if I said something terrible, but it was something terrible because I hadn’t actually ever said it out loud. I cried as Steve said goodbye, and I mourned with all the people who loved him, and I fought over how his funeral should be, and I spent every day waking up cold because he wasn’t lying next to me, but I never said out loud that he was gone. My crying was louder that it had ever been and I was past the point of hyperventilating. He won’t be home, he won’t be with me because he’s gone,” I kept trying to speak but I was sure nobody could understand my words anymore through my heavy tears. 

 

I could hear Howard speaking, but I couldn’t understand the words as I just kept hearing that terrible song so loud in my ears. Soon I realized he had lightly put his arm around me to lead me out of the room and we were walking away from the party of people staring at me. I saw Peggy walk swiftly towards us and say a few words before walking away as I continued to shake and cry and cry and cry. Soon I was in an empty room and Howard sat me down on the sofa as he walked towards the window to open it. He came back towards me and said a few words before motioning how he was breathing deeply in and out. I just shook my head and kept trying to speak over my own crying. I tried begging for Steve to come back anyway because he would know what to do. He would see me crying and would know how to make it stop faster than anyone else who tried. Watching Howard, it reminded me of the times I tried helping Steve breath when his asthma took over. It had been so long since I had to help him with that, it was strange seeing someone else trying to do it for me. Eventually I felt myself start to breath with Howard, and although I was still crying and shaking a bit, I was at least breathing better. I then saw Peggy walk into the room and closing the doors behind her as she carried a glass of water towards me. She sat next to Howard in front of me and held out her hand. I quickly grasped it and squeezed, and it felt like and anchor bringing me back from my panic. 

 

Eventually, after having a few sips of the water, I was able to bring my crying down enough to form coherent words. “Ever since I was fourteen years old, I had only ever spent one Christmas without Steve, and that was during the mission right before we had our wedding. I had been so scared of having to spend more Christmases like that one, that I needed to marry him right away.” I told them and they remained silent as they watched me continue to speak. “We waited so long to be able to call each other husband and wife, but I feel like I had been his wife long before we said our vows. We’ve been together since we were 18, and we lived together even longer. I don’t know how to be me without him anymore.” I sat quietly as more tears slowly ran down my face. These were all things I hadn’t admitted to anyone or even myself since he died, and it made me feel even more hopeless and empty than before. “I guess that’s why I’ve been working so much more because the only times we spent apart was when he went on missions and I always distracted myself by working with Howard. I figured if I just kept working, I didn’t have to feel the pain of not having him here anymore. And Christmas came and I wanted to show how well I can do in this new life but I couldn’t even make it through the whole night.”

 

“Maddi,” Howard said softly after I looked down in shame. “You couldn’t make it through because you’ve been suppressing these feelings for months.” He stood up from sitting on the small table across from me and sat down to my right on the sofa, and Peggy joined him on my left. “It’s more than okay to feel this upset, that’s why we want to be here for you. You don’t need to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t because it’ll only make things hurt more when it all hits you like a ton of bricks.”

 

“Everything we offer to you is to make sure you are feeling the best you could possibly be given the circumstances,” Peggy adds. “Steve was our friend and we miss him dearly, but he was your love and we know it takes time to carry on. Even when do start to feel truly happier, it’ll still hurt and we are here help you carry that pain.” I squeezed her hand again to show her my appreciation. I always knew they were trying to help me, but I tried to push it away because it had been so long since I shared my grief with anyone but Steve. 

 

Howard wrapped his arm around me and I leaned towards him and put my head on his shoulder. Steve was never coming back, but he had given me two amazing friends to help me get strong again without him. “Howard?” I asked hesitantly. “Does your offer for me to move in still stand?”

 

He chuckled and replied “Absolutely! After the party you threw here, I know for sure this place certainly needs the warmth you bring to it.” 

 

I smiled sadly and thanked him. “Steve, Bucky, and I used to dream about what it would be like to live in a fancy house in Manhattan, and now I’ll actually be doing it.” I knew it would be weird living in such an unnecessarily large house and it would be hard leaving the place I called home for so long, but I needed to be in a place that didn’t always remind me of Steve. I didn’t have to ignore my pain anymore, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t find ways to lessen it. It also would be nice being closer to a friend instead of living by myself. I had never had to live alone until this year. “I’ll pay rent, I promise-”

 

“Please Maddi, you know I couldn’t possibly allow that.”

 

“But-”

 

“We’ll just say this’ll be a temporary thing, and you don’t have to worry about freeloading until you’re here twenty five years from now.”

 

“Well that certainly would be far too long, I promise not to take advantage of your kindness forever.” I genuinely shared a laugh with him and Peggy and it felt nice. It didn’t even feel like when I would laugh to ignore the pain, it just felt actually good to laugh with friends. I knew it would make me feel a bit guilty to be happy with Steve gone, but I also knew that it will be okay. I felt a hole in my heart every day, but maybe one day I would truly get used to it and not just because I was ignoring it. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**A/N: so my goal here is to show the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with losing someone so close. Grief is sloppy and completely different for each person going through it, and I’m trying to get it right to how Maddi would experience losing Steve. Especially because grieving wasn’t very well understood back then, I wanted to make Maddi struggle to deal with that on top of her own pressure she has on herself to figure things out on her own. Let me know what you guys think, and I’m sorry once again for this update taking forever!**

****A little extra info that helps add to the feeling of this chapter is I think a lot about the Taylor Swift Song "The Moment I Knew." Basically the entire feeling she portrays it being around Christmas and the one person she wanted there never shows. Obviously its a little different because Swift is talking about a boyfriend who just didn't go to her party, but I think everything until the ending (last verse) can also be seen as maybe the first Christmas after a husband has died. I think all of the feelings in this song for most of it would be a lot like how Maddi felt, and 'the moment she knew' is more about how she knew that she would never get to have another Christmas with Steve ever again. Sorry that's a lot of rambling, but if you don't know the song please check it out! Even if you do know it, give it a listen with this context in mind and let me know what you think!!** **


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N: I want to start doing something a little different for these next chapters. At the beginning, I want to list a song or two (or maybe more) that I can imagine playing in the background of these scenes that were popular in that era. Feel free to look them up and listen to them if you don’t know them, or if you do and really like them and want to listen anyway, before/during/after reading the chapter. I feel like music is an important part so far in what Maddi and other characters feel so that’s why I want to give this a try. Think of it as kind of like the soundtrack to her life from here on out.**

 

**Songs: Near You (1947)- Francis Craig**

 

* * *

 

 

November 15, 1946

 

I woke up in particularly bright room and it took me a few moments for my eyes to adjust and figure out where I was. I looked around and was confused by my surroundings. I quickly realized I was in a hospital bed surrounded by medical equipment and a couple of empty chairs. I tried to scan through my memories to figure out how I ended up there, but nothing came to mind. That only sent me into a spiraling panic until I heard the door open and I looked up to see Howard and Peggy walk in looking concerned until relief came across their faces when they saw I was awake. 

 

“Oh thank God you’re awake,” Howard said. “Looks like you came just in time Peggy.”

 

I stared at them in confusion and then asked “What happened?”

 

“I would like to ask you the same question,” Peggy said sternly with a hard look on her face that was obviously hiding her worry. “I get a call from Howard saying he found you unconscious in his laboratory after you seemed to have injected yourself with some substance that contains heaven knows what, and there were fumes that had been surrounding you for who knows how long!” As she spoke, i had a feeling I knew what happened but I honestly couldn’t remember anything that would truly explain why I ended up in the hospital. I groaned and closed my eyes as I faced the ceiling.

 

“It’s not as bad as it seems,” I started but was quickly cut off by Howard.

 

“Oh really? Then why the hell did I have to bring you to the hospital in fear of your life?” He responded.

 

“I don’t know, but I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. I just can’t remember exactly.”

 

“Wasn’t that bad?! Are you kidding me Maddi?” Howard stated and while I still felt  little weak, I was also a bit annoyed with their questions and honestly scared myself because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember anything that happened before.

 

“Well I’m not dead, am I?” I asked sarcastically and that caused Peggy to speak up again.

 

“Maddi please,” she said with a softer voice than before. 

 

“And what about the fumes being cleaned from my lab right now?” Howard asked.

 

“Look I don’t remember! Whatever happened today was accident, and I wouldn’t have done anything that I didn’t think I couldn’t handle.”

 

“I found some of your research and samples,” Howard said before Peggy could say anything in response. “You’ve been developing different versions of Erskine’s Serum and testing it ON YOURSELF without even telling anybody else.” I looked away from him with a frown as he continued to yell. “I cannot believe you’ve been at this for well over a year, you could have killed yourself and none of us would have known until after them fact. You don’t even remember what you injected yourself with today, how do we know it’s not something that might still slowly be killing you right now? How long were you going to go at this without telling anyone, huh? The Maddi I know would never be this reckless!” I whipped my head back towards my two friends and stared at Howard with anger in my eyes.

 

“I’m not the Maddi you know anymore!” I yelled. “Her entire being was Steve Rogers. I have no idea who the hell I am without him. So yeah maybe she wouldn’t be ‘reckless’ or rather ambitious enough to try something like this on her own, but I did and guess what? I’m still here, I’m still alive and breathing.”

 

“Are you kidding me? You have know idea what could have happened. On top of that, you were in a room filling with gaseous chemicals that probably made the situation way worse.”

 

“Nobody knew if the crap you all injected into Steve was going to kill him or not! Nobody! So don’t you dare lecture me on safety when you could have killed my fiance without my knowledge.”

 

“Now Maddi you know that’s not-” Peggy tried to say but Howard yet again cut her off.

 

“Well he died anyway so I guess it wouldn’t have even mattered now would it?” He snapped. I completely froze at his words because I couldn’t believe he would actually say something so cruel.

 

“Howard!” Peggy snapped at him clearly more angry than before. Before anything else could be said, he had already stormed out of the room leaving the two of us in silence. “Maddi?” Peggy tried but I shook my head trying to hold back tears.

 

“Peggy don’t, please,” I told her. “Just don’t because honestly he’s right. So you can’t be mad at me because if this had worked I could have ended up like Steve, being used for whatever physical abilities I gain and eventually killed because of it.”

 

“Why would you even try to create some new serum if you wouldn’t even want it to be used?” Peggy asked quietly.

 

“I don’t know, maybe because Steve would have wanted someone out there saving the world in his place. Maybe I’m just some crazy person now who doesn’t really think about the consequences or motives of my actions. I don’t know. I think I’d really just like to be alone right now though. Please.” She hesitated before she left and as I layed in the bed alone, I heard Steve’s voice reminding me I can’t push people away at times I need them the most. It made me sick whenever that voice said things I didn’t want to hear but needed to.

 

* * *

  
  
  


November 17, 1946

 

I had lost all energy from the last couple of days, so after the hospital let me go, Howard had to physically help me back into his house  with very minimal talking between us. As I sat on his sofa with a cup of tea listening to the radio, he came over and turned it off so he could speak. I stared at him without showing emotion because I didn’t want him to know how upset I still was. 

 

“Maddi, you said you didn’t know who you were without Steve, and you said the Maddi I know isn’t you anymore.” I didn’t respond so he continued. “I don’t think that’s true and I’ll tell you why. Every time I worked with you, it was just you. Your mind is extraordinary and the amount of care you put into everything you do has never had anything to do with Steve. You aren’t just Steve’s wife you were never just Steve’s fiance either. You are Madeline Bennett, and just because you’ve gone by Madeline Rogers for the past few years does not mean you aren’t the same Maddi I have known since I first met you when you went beyond enemy lines in a plane flown by a man you had never met before just to help find your friend.” I looked down at my cup and remained still.

 

“I like being Maddi Rogers,” I tell him, not liking even the possibility of the idea of having to go back to Bennett in order to move on.

 

“And that’s great!” He said quickly. “I think-”

 

“And wouldn’t that be considered reckless?” I ask him before he could say anything else. “I put my life in danger without even a thought about it. And sure I was thinking about Bucky but I was also so stubborn in making sure I followed Steve everywhere he went for years because the small amount of time he was training and becoming a super soldier, I couldn’t handle being alone.”

 

“Maddi you stayed in Europe because I saw how you could be an amazing addition to my team and I was right. Not because you wanted to be closer to Steve, but because you were helping your country with your talents. I would have sent you home if you weren’t as smart as I could sense and if we hadn’t become friends so quickly.” He paused for a moment before continuing “you’ve spent over a year demonstrating how strong you are even when you are breaking inside. When I was searching the entire North Atlantic last year, you were the one to bring me out of my obsessive nature and now it’s my turn to make you realize that this experimentation you’ve been doing is nothing but a bad idea.” I thought back to the memory he brought up.

 

_ “Howard please don’t go back there, what else are you expecting to find?” I asked him as he was back in New York from weeks of being in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean for weeks. He had found the Tesseract but no plane or Steve.  _

 

_ Howard shoved his chair into the table as he stood up fast in frustration. “I have to find him Maddi, I can’t just leave him out there. You deserve to have him back, to know he isn’t lost in the Ocean forever. I need to do this I need to make it right somehow,” he was pacing in front of me and I understood his feelings because I had nightmares every other day about the Steve being cold forever. “All I’ve done my whole life is create destruction, and Project Rebirth was- he was the one thing I’ve done that brought good into this world.” He ran a hand over his face and tried to hide his surfacing emotion but I took hold of his other hand and squeezed it in support.  _

 

_ “Howard I know you loved him,” I told him softly. “You don’t need leave your life here in order to prove that or to try and bring him back for me or for you.” A few tears rolled down my cheek but I knew I had to be the strong one for the two of us in that moment so I tried my best to keep myself together. “What you create, it’s not all destruction. You help protect American people just like he did, and you can’t keep going out there please. I need you here, Peggy needs you here, and we don’t want you out lost in the Atlantic too.” _

 

“I’m not trying to bring him back,” I whisper in order to keep myself from breaking down. “I guess I just thought continuing the legacy of him and the Project Rebirth could be something good, something to honor him by. The more I think about it, the more I realize it could have awful outcomes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy I found you and Peggy. But if Steve never had that procedure, we could still be living a happy normal life together.”

 

“This isn’t the way to continue his legacy. Especially testing on yourself, you know way better than to do something like that, and you know Steve would never want you to get hurt because of him. And I understand you think your life might be better without him joining the army. But imagine all the people’s lives he saved and changed. Your sacrifice for those people and for honestly the world is just as honorable as Steve’s. You deserve that credit also.” I nodded as I couldn’t help the tears that yet again fell down my face. “Is this the first time your body has reacted to your experiments in any way?” He asked and I nodded quickly to reassure him a little.

 

“Yes, and I’m sure this was nothing. The doctor didn’t find anything wrong with me, and I’m feeling better with every hour that passes.”

 

“Still, we’re gonna keep an eye on anything else that might come from it. I looked everywhere, and could not find any of your research, data, and samples from two days ago. Do you know where else they would be? Maybe we can find out what made you pass out.” I swallowed hard and shook my head.

 

“It should have been in the lab where you found me.” He sighed and I could feel his worry and understand it completely. Whatever I wrote in my notes while working before passing out was clearly important information to have and it was concerning that we didn’t know where it was.

 

“Well if you remember anything, and I mean anything at all, about what you were doing before, you need to tell me. I’m confiscating the rest of your notes in the meantime, I’m sorry but I just don’t think you should have them right now.” I nodded my head while looking at my hands. I was upset because I spent so long working on some sort of basic replica of Dr. Erskine’s work, but I knew I had to move on from it. Howard was right about it just like I was right about his Ocean search the previous year. We needed each other more than we needed these silly projects, and we had both been putting ourselves in danger.

  
  


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February 4, 1948 

 

“Are you sure?” Howard asked for the millionth time as I put the last of my things into a box. 

 

“You can still move in with me if you’re just trying to get away from Howard and the women he always has in this house,” Peggy said as she helped me with closing and labeling my stuff.

 

“I really appreciate it, but I’m positive this is what I want. I found a nice place in Brooklyn, I really do miss living in that area. I’m ready to live on my own, I promise. Besides, since Mr. and Mrs. Jarvis here moved in, I think 4 people is getting a bit crowded in your mansion, don’t y’all agree?” I teased. Howard had gotten a butler the previous year, an old friend he made overseas during the war. His name was Edwin, and him and his wife recently moved in because their own apartment landlord kicked them out once they found out Ana was a Jewish immigrant from Hungary. It was disgusting that even after the war, people continued to hold assumptions of each other just because they were different. They said their stay would be temporary, which I believed was true, but they certainly enjoyed living in such a large luxurious place in the middle of Manhattan. 

 

“Well you can visit as often as you want, just in case work isn’t enough of me,” Howard joked and I laughed with the others. 

 

“I’m sure that won’t be a problem, I certainly won’t miss the insane number of women who gave me dirty looks in the morning” I gave him a stern look with a hint of a smirk. “Mr. Jarvis, you’ll have to get rid of them without me from now on, good luck because Howard’s taste contains women who get very attached to our good friend here,” I said with a laugh, feeling very happy I had the people in my life who cared about me to joke around and feel joy with.


	42. Chapter 42

**Songs: Sweet Violets (1951)- Dinah Shore**

 

* * *

 

 

November 12, 1949

 

“Hey at least we have something nice to look at while we work,” One of my coworkers said as I walked into the lab after lunch and the few men around him chuckled. They saw me and immediately went quiet, which was a clear sign they were talking about me. I had recently been put onto a team of scientists studying new ways to improve our nuclear weapons within SHIELD, and men I was working with were not the best company. There were three leaders of the team, myself and two other physicists, one being the man who was talking about me when I walked in. 

 

“Since you men decided to skip lunch to stay and chat, how about you tell me what kind of progress was made while I was gone,” I looked at them and waited for a response. None of them said anything so I took it as a chance to keep talking. “Let’s get back to work, the Russians aren’t gonna wait for us.” We worked without issue for a while until I was telling one of our team members his calculations were wrong in his work.

 

“I already checked that work, sweetheart, it’s fine,” The same team leader from before said to me.

 

“Well then you checked it wrong, Mr. Mathews,” I stared at him with a frown. Each day he had become more verbally against me being there and I wasn’t having it anymore. “And you can call me Ms. Rogers, not ‘sweetheart’ not ‘doll’ not ‘something nice to look at.’” I turned back to man sitting between us. “Do the math again Mr. Shaw and I’ll check it when your done. We can’t afford any mistakes.” I walked over to my table and not a few minutes later, Ryan Matthews was sitting next to me.” I put down my pen and looked over at him waiting for whatever else he seemed to want to say.

 

“Listen, sweetheart,” he put emphasis on word as he spoke. “I know you slept your way into this position through Stark, but that doesn’t mean you get to think you’re in charge around here. You’d have to give me a good night first before I’d consider something like that.” I kept my shock from his vulgar words as masked as possible and faced him with a hard look on my face.

 

“Mr. Matthews, how much experience in nuclear energy have you really had? If I recall from your file, nothing outside of learning in a classroom. I was a part of the Manhattan Project, and have worked with SHIELD since I helped form it, and I was previously working with the SSR. I have just as much, if not more, reason to be in charge of this team of scientists as you do. I can have you removed from this position without ever having to say a word to Howard Stark, so I suggest you put an end to your childish behavior and start treating me as your equal here on this project.” Everyone else in the room had become quiet as I gathered my belongings in order to leave the room. “I deserve the same respect,” I said before walking out the door. I didn’t know where I was going, but I think I just needed some air to cool down before I could continue working in the same room as those men.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


June 3, 1950

 

“I think I want to go back to school,” I told Howard as we ate lunch together at a diner downtown. 

 

“Really?” He asked with surprise. “You know, school was never really my thing, I felt bit too restricted by it.”

 

“Of course you did,” I said with a smile. “You’re an inventor whose mind goes beyond most anything taught in schools. I enjoy it though, and I feel like I should have gone back earlier because the rigid nature of it might have taken my mind off of missing Steve but I just didn’t have the money for it.” 

 

“You know I could have helped if you asked.”

 

“I know, but I wanted to do this myself. When I payed for my first four years of college, Steve and Bucky gave me a gift of helping with the costs. Then once Steve and I were living together, we payed for everything together and it took a while because I had to take breaks to work full time, but I did it and it felt amazing. I’ve been saving a lot these last five years from working with Stark Industries and building SHIELD, thanks to you already, I didn’t want you to just give me this money.”

 

He nodded his head in understanding. Howard was an extremely rich man but he knew the value of hard work in his earnings because he started off just as poor as anyone growing up in New York during The Depression. “Then go for it! If this is what you really want, then I’m excited for you.”

 

“I would love to take some economics classes to maybe help a bit more with the running a company part of work, but what I really want is to get my Doctorate in Physics. I feel like the research we do that translates to Engineering can really be supported by more experience in the Physics relm. I’m going to have to step back from the company for a while, just because I know this is going to take up a lot of my time.”

 

“Ugh, I’m really going to miss having the second most brilliant mind out there helping me with my company!” I rolled my eyes at his jesting. “But, I can’t wait to see how much more you will bring to the table when you come back.”

 

“Thank you, Howard. I’m actually really excited about this! I feel like Steve would be really proud too,” I smiled sadly. It was insane how fast five years felt. At times it felt like it was a thousand years without him, but it also felt like it was just yesterday I saw his beautiful smile when he would look at me. I hated that time past regardless of him being gone, that I was experiencing my life without him.

 

“Steve would be proud of everything you’ve done.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


March 21, 1951

 

“Aahh!” I yelled out as the knife that was in my hand slipped while I was cutting fruit and sliced a big cut in the middle of my palm. Peggy was in the other room and came running it when she heard me.

 

“What? What is it?!” She asked quickly, with worry in her voice.

 

“Nothing,” I made out as I grimaced in pain. “I was just clumsy and cut myself.”

 

“Maddi that’s really deep,” she said with concern as she grabbed hold of my wrist to look at it. As I tried not to start crying from the pain while she inspected it, we were both taken away by what happened to my hand. Slowly, the wound seemed to almost heal itself and within 30 seconds, it was completely gone along with the pain. 

 

“What just happened?” I asked in disbelief. 

 

“Wha- Where did it go?” She said, equally confused.

 

“Howard!!!” We both yelled at the same time because we had no idea how to even process the missing cut.

 

“Woah what’s with all the yelling?” He said as he came into the kitchen.

 

“Look at her hand!” Peggy said frantically. 

 

“I don’t see anything,” he responded.

 

“Exactly,” I said. “I just cut my hand really deep with this knife, look that’s my blood on it! Not a minute later, it was gone.”

 

“Are you two trying to mess with me?” He asked.

 

“NO!” We both said loudly. 

 

“Here, just stab me or something,” I told him while handing him the knife.

 

“Are you crazy? I’m not gonna stab you!”

 

“Well I can’t do it! I’m too scared, it’ll hurt.”

 

“Well of course it’ll hurt!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. “Jesus Maddi, what’s wrong with you?”

 

“Oh give it to me,” Peggy said as she took the knife. “I’ll just do a SMALL cut on your arm so we can see if it’ll happen again.” She did as she said she would and made a small slice on the outside of my arm and I winced as I started bleeding again. Faster than the first wound, it started to close up once again on its own until there was no more evidence of a cut at all.

 

“What the hell?” Howard said as he grabbed my arm to further inspect. He looked from all angles but the but was completely gone.

 

“What is going on with me?” I asked, starting to get worried.

 

“I don’t know, it looks like you have superpowers.” He told me.

 

“Okay Howard, don’t be so ridiculous,” I said.

 

“I’m being serious, you can heal yourself in seconds. I’d say that’s a superpower.”

 

“This can’t be real. I don’t want superpowers, how did this even happen?” I was starting to panic as to what this meant, and all I could think about was how much Steve’s life changed when he got ‘superpowers.’

 

“Well answer me this, have you been going back to experimenting on yourself recklessly with different chemicals?” he was very serious and slightly agitated when he asked me his question.

 

“No, of course not. Not since that day I had to be taken to the hospital.”

 

“That was almost five years ago, how could you have not noticed anything until now?” Peggy asked.

 

“I don’t know, it’s not like I slice my entire palm open every month!” 

 

“What about paper cuts? Bruises? You said you bruise easily, when was the last time you had a really noticable bruise?” Howard asked.

 

“I don’t know! I haven’t paid attention to that for a long time. Look, whatever the hell this is, I don’t want anyone else finding out.” I was starting to panic a bit as I thought about how my actions might have been the cause of some weird healing abilities and what that means about the rest of my life. “Steve had a million different people wanting to use him and his blood for their own purposes, and I don’t want anyone to find out I’m now some sort of freak people want to do tests on.”

 

“We have to do some tests to at least try to figure this out,” Howard said with concern in his voice. I couldn’t tell if he was concerned about the same things I was concerned about, but I could tell he was worried.

 

“Then we’ll do it privately in your private lab. I mean it, I don’t want ANY of this being found out by anyone else.” 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


March 22, 1951

 

“What does that mean?” Peggy asked after I explained all the results we found form Howard’s and my previous day in his lab. 

 

I sighed before responding. “It means my cells can so rapidly divide that they can heal cuts almost immediately. It also can mean a wide variety of other things but we aren’t so sure about everything.”

 

“Like?”

 

“Small things like exercise works more effectively on me or my skin and hair is healthier than before. Which I guess might be the case because my hair does seem more agreeable than when I was younger. It can also mean pretty big things like slowed aging or no aging at all.” I looked down at my hands, with a frown. As soon as I found that out, I was hoping it wasn’t true because I honestly wouldn’t even know what to do. “Also, we don’t really want to test it, but it could also mean it’s impossible to kill me from shooting or stabbing me.”

 

“My God,” Peggy said in a whisper filled with disbelief. “And you two are sure it’s from five years ago?”

 

“Well Howard threw out all of my research, data, and samples from back then and we never actually found the information I gathered on that last day, so it’s really impossible to tell. But yes, most likely it’s from that.”

 

“And how are you feeling about all of this?” She asked me while taking my hand in hers and squeezing it slightly.

 

“I don’t know,” I sighed as I tried to hold back tears. “It’s kinda scary, not knowing exactly what’s going on and what it all means. And I’m also just so angry I did this to myself,” I let myself cry after saying that and Peggy got up and pulled me up with her. She embraced me in a hug and I clung to her.

 

“We’ll figure something out, Maddi. For now, you should just continue to go to University, just try to keep everything normal until we really know what long term implications this could have. It’s a little hard to tell right now if you’ve stopped aging completely since the end of 1946, and it’ll take a bit longer to really know for sure.” I nodded my head, wishing this would all go away. “And all this time I thought you were just aging a whole lot better than me,” she added with a nudge trying to lighten the mood.

 

I smiled slightly, “Oh please, you look as gorgeous as ever Peggy Carter.”

 


	43. Chapter 43

**Songs: Wheel of Fortune (1952)- Kay Starr**

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


February 1, 1952

 

“I’m telling you Jarvis, it was awful!” I said as I threw my head on the table next to my untouched cup of tea.

 

He looked at me before taking a sip from his cup and said “oh please, Ms. Rogers, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

 

I lifted my head and narrowed my eyes at him. “I cried, Jarvis. Who does that? Who cries on a first date?”

 

“Well maybe it was that bad,” he commented.

 

“Every time, every time I think I’m doing better, something happens that reminds me I’m still a mess without him.” Howard convinced me to go on this date. He had tried in the past couple of years, but I always shot the idea down immediately. However, it had been almost seven years since I lost Steve, and I didn’t know why, but I felt like I should at least give it a try. I almost talked myself out of it probably a hundred times, but for some reason I didn’t listen to my better judgement and went on a date with someone other than Steve for the first time since I was a teenager. I didn’t know what I was expecting; I knew dating would be different in the 50s as a 33 year old than in the 1930s as a 17 year old. Howard had assured me it was a man he felt would be very respectful, which he was. Honestly, as I thought about it after, the man was rather smart, kind, and handsome. I couldn’t put the failure of this date on Howard or my date, Jacob. It was all on me and the fact that I was just destined to forever be a sad widow.

 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Ms. Rogers. No one expected this to be perfect, it’s completely understandable why it would be difficult for you,” Jarvis said, losing his teasing voice and replaced it with a comforting one. Him and I had become closer friends since he continued to work for Howard. I had gone over to Howard’s to tell him never to set me up on another date again, but he hadn’t been home so I let Jarvis make me a cup of tea so I could tell him what had happened. 

 

“You know, every time you call me Ms. Rogers I feel bad that I started calling you Jarvis. I blame Howard for giving me that habit. If I spent more time with you when Peggy is around, I’d still be calling you Mr. Jarvis. Maybe I should start calling you Edwin? Eddie?” I responded, trying to go back to a more silly tone. I didn’t know why, but I didn’t want to be comforted for my actions. It was probably because I thought it really was ridiculous for me to have behaved in such a way. I did agree to the date, I shouldn’t have brought up Steve at all. 

 

“Absolutely not, Jarvis will do just fine.” I smirked at his response.

 

“Alright, but you should really just call me Maddi like everyone else does. Or I guess even Madeline if your sophisticated ways won’t allow for a nickname.” I thought for a few moments and a thought came to mind that I wanted to ask about more than I wanted to avoid the subject. “Do you think it’s weird I still go by Madeline Rogers? I mean I dropped the Mrs. but maybe having his last name is also too much.”

 

“I don’t think it’s wrong if you don’t. It is your name, and it shouldn’t bother anyone else if it doesn’t bother you.” I nodded my head while in thought.

 

I looked back at him and said “I think it’s just all in my head. It’s this darn date, I swear I was doing just fine on my own. I don’t see why I need to date anyone anyway.”

 

“Well do you want to be on your own forever?” 

 

“No,” I said but then corrected myself. “I mean, of course not but how could I possibly even think about spending the rest of my life with anyone other than Steve? Also it feels like time has practically run out for any other chances at that. Peggy is already married, you and Anna have been married since I met you. Howard’s never getting married but that’s just Howard. This wasn’t supposed to be an issue for me. I was married at 25 and widowed at 26. I was supposed to have children by now.” After losing our first baby, Steve and I were going to keep trying. It took a while to get past that loss, but we knew that we wanted a family after the war. The next six months after that happened so fast, I was starting to forget all the details. 

 

“There’s a lot of women in the same position as you. There were many who lost loved one’s to the war,” he said and I knew he was right. How many of those women would get remarried? How many already had children before they were alone? How many lost children because of the war too? And how many would stay alone for the rest of their lives? I didn’t know what I wanted, and I didn’t know if it really even mattered what I wanted. “You’re not completely alone. You still have your friends… Madeline.” I smiled at him when he said my first name and he smiled back. “If you feel you might do better this time, go on another date when Howard find another, you know he’s bound to eventually. It’ll get easier with time, but only if you want it to.” 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


October 2, 1952 

 

“What is something about Steve Rogers most people don’t know?” The man interviewing me asked and I thought for a moment before replying.

 

“He loved to watch films,” I said with a small smile. “We saw _Gone With The Wind_ ,  _ Snow White, Pinocchio, The Wizard of Oz _ . Fairy tales really were his favorite. He would have really loved  _ Cinderella _ .”

 

“And you two met when you were fourteen, is that correct?” I nodded at his question before replying.

 

“We were best friends, I didn’t know anyone when moving to New York City at that age, and he was so kind. Steve held that kindness in his heart until the very end. Steve cared about those around him so much, more than he cared about himself almost to a fault sometimes.” 

 

“Speaking of that, it’s my understanding you were the last person he spoke to before his plane went down,” I paused for a moment unsure how I wanted to answer. Of course people knew I was the only one left in the room once everyone knew he wasn’t going to be able to direct the plane anywhere but down into the water. I knew I needed to answer honestly because I knew these details would come up when I agreed to the interview. There were people trying to bring all the pieces of Steve’s life together so that the nation could know more about the man who sacrificed his life for them. It took me years to get the courage to tell them I would sit down for an interview, but I knew it was right for people to know more of the Steve I knew instead of the one portrayed in comics or silly radio shows. I hated listening to those when they were on; they were always so ridiculous and not at all what Steve’s life was like. They showed the war as fun and exciting for him but didn’t show the nightmares I had to wake him up from every other night he was with me because of how terrifying the war actually was. They also made Steve seem like a man whose actions were mostly driven by self centered motives. The actions appeared to be for others, like constantly saving the helpless girl from the Nazis (who I guess was supposed to be me except she was nothing like me) or protecting his country, but they were actually just acts to put himself in more favor of the beautiful damsel in distress and everyone in America. This fictional Steve Rogers was a man of the people, but really only so all the people would shower him with love and affection and medals and statues and gifts. The real Steve never cared about any of that. 

 

“Yes I was,” I responded with a sad smile. 

 

“Could you tell us what he said?” I hesitated in order to keep myself from letting tears roll down my face. I was painfully aware of the camera facing me, and I also didn’t want my last personal moment with Steve to become something taken by the general public. 

 

“He told me he loved me,” I finally replied softly while keeping the details to myself. The interviewer nodded his head knowing he wouldn’t get much more from me about the subject.

 

“I would love to hear a story about the man Captain Rogers was before the experiment. I heard wonderful stories of his bravery throughout the war from Agent Carter, can I hear any story from your teenage or early twenty years?” 

  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  


October 29, 2011 (STEVE’S POV)

 

_ “I would love to hear a story about the man Captain Rogers was before the experiment. I heard wonderful stories of his bravery throughout the war from Agent Carter, can I hear any story from your teenage or early twenty years?”  _ I sat watching the only interview Maddi ever did with tears in my eyes. It was from 1952 and she looked just as beautiful as when I last saw her. Her hair was styled a bit differently, but it was still a vibrant red that stood out on the older film quality compared to what was made in recent years. Her smile was something that I stared at in every picture I could find of her, which wasn’t much as she practically didn’t exist when I looked her up on the internet. Other than this singular video, the only content I had was what SHIELD gave me. I could see the pain behind her smile in this interview as she spoke about me. She had lived for seven years without me there when this was conducted, and my heart hurt to see her still in pain after so many years. Then again, I didn’t think I would ever not feel utter despair when I thought about never seeing her again. I wish there was more information out there about her life so I could find out more. I wanted to know every detail but sadly people focused more on telling my story than hers. 

 

_ “One day when Steve and I were only sixteen, I was having a particularly bad day. He didn’t know why, and he didn’t push me into telling him even though I could tell he wanted to know so he could help. Instead, he just tried as much as he could to make me smile, make me laugh. And I did, a lot, and I couldn’t tell you what he even said or did that put so much joy into my heart that day because I can’t remember. I can’t even remember why I was upset in the first place. I just remember so vividly his smile and how wonderful it felt to smile with him. That was the kind of man he was every moment of his life. He made the people around him happy. Anyone who could just have a moment of his time, a moment to see his smile and hear his laugh, were so lucky. I just got to be the luckiest girl of them all because I got to be experience that everyday.”  _ I turned off the video after hearing her words. Even after all those years we shared together, it was surreal for her to describe her relationship with me in that way. I wish I could tell her how wrong she was, how I was the luckiest man alive because I got be with her everyday. Sitting alone in the apartment SHIELD provided for me, I felt almost suffocated by the loneliness and silence. Apart from looking up Maddi on the internet with the minimal technology skills I was taught by an agent, I hadn’t interacted much with the new world, outside or within my apartment. I didn’t know how, and I frankly didn’t want to. Adapting to the new world was accepting that I would never get my old life back. I didn’t know anyone here. I had contemplated finding Peggy, as she was the only person I knew still alive, but I didn’t know how that would feel to see her and hear whatever she had to say about the last 65 years.


	44. Chapter 44

**Songs:**

**Rock Around the Clock (1955)- Bill Haley & His Comets**

**Heartbreak Hotel (1956)- Elvis Presley**

**Jailhouse Rock (1957)- Elvis Presley**

**Johnny B. Goode (1958)- Chuck Berry**

 

 

* * *

 

 

July 20, 1956

 

“To Doctor Madeline Rogers!” Howard yelled to the room full of people with his glass in the air. I stood next to him with a huge smile on my face. 

 

“To Doctor Rogers!” everyone echoed. 

 

Howard turned towards me after everyone went back to socializing amongst themselves. There were a lot of people there I didn’t know, but I was happy to have a few familiar faces. Sadly Peggy wasn’t able to make it due to work related issues, but she sent her congratulations to the party through Howard. He had thrown me a party for finishing my doctorate program the previous month. “So Dr. Rogers, you feel smarter with that title now?” he teased and I smiled some more.

 

“Actually I think I do,” I responded. I then took on a less joking tone and gave him a sincere smile. “Thank you for this, and thank you for helping me through this.”

 

“I’m just happy to have you back with SHIELD and Stark Industries full time,” He said.

 

“Really Howard, I really appreciate you.” I hesitated for a moment before continuing.”You know, I used to have an older brother growing up. His name was Alexander, Alex, and I really used to idolize him growing up. He died in the same storm as my father, and I didn’t really talk about him much after that. Not even to Steve and Bucky because discussing any more than the basics was too hard, especially with people who had never met them and never knew what having an older brother felt like. Anyway, my point is that I haven’t truly felt like anyone has ever live up to brother material since he died. Bucky came close, but it still wasn’t the same. I think you’ve come so close it’s almost scary. You annoy the wits out of me sometimes, but that’s how having a brother should feel like. So really, thank you Howard, for being a brother for me.” 

 

He smiled wide and put an arm around my shoulder, “Maddi, you’re the sister I’ve always wanted.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


March 1, 1957

 

I sat in the Howard’s lab with Peggy and Howard with tears in my eyes. The inevitable couldn’t be avoided any longer. I had been constantly denying the fact that my friends were aging properly while I continued to look like I was in my mid to late twenties. “We’re going to figure out how to fix this, Maddi,” Peggy said to comfort me.

 

“And if we don’t? What do I do then? People will start asking questions, soon enough they’ll know it’s not just about me aging, but about me healing. What happens then? I don’t want people to try to use me, I can’t-”

 

“Hey, slow down,” Howard interrupted me. “We have time. I’m sure people might think you look a little young for your age, but we know it’s an issue now, let’s try to tackle it.”

 

I sighed and said “I don’t want to risk it, the longer this goes on, the more likely people will get suspicious.” However, even as I said this, I couldn’t think of a solution.

 

“Give me a year. That’s not much longer, but it’s a good amount of time to maybe try to reverse or stop whatever is happening to your cells. If we can’t figure anything out in a year, we will come up with a plan B to keep this information between us.” He looked confident and not worried, though he always was like that, but I still felt weary.

 

“Okay, one year,” I told him.

 

“Hey lighten up,” he gave me a smirk to try and cheer me up. “Peggy and I could even set you up on a date with a 24 or 25 year old now!” 

 

I rolled my eyes, “I think I stopped aging at 28, Howard.”

 

“Sure but you can certainly pass for a 24 year old.”

 

“That doesn’t make me feel better!”

 

“But you still can pass for a very well aged 40 year old,” he suggested.

 

“I doubt that. I’m 38 and that’s pushing it.” Since he brought it up, I thought about the other dates I had been on over the years. I never lasted more than just a couple with one man. It certainly wasn’t like I was hopping from man to man, I just never felt right with any of them. A few I had met on my own, and the others were through Peggy or Howard. Overall it hadn’t even been that many dates, and they were often spread out. I could tell Peggy was worried about me even though she never mentioned it. With the fact that I couldn’t age creeping up on us, it didn’t really matter if I wanted to be in a relationship with someone or not. Honestly that was almost the one good thing about this weird situation because I now I didn’t even have to try and pretend it was all good. When my two friends found out I had shared a kiss with my date, Robert, a few months ago, they were wildly overenthusiastic. I quickly shut down their excitement by the fact that I never followed up with a third date with the man. It probably wasn’t fare to do that, considering we had actually gotten along better than I did with most people I wasn’t already friends with, but it also wouldn’t be fair to let him think anything more was in our future. 

 

Peggy took me out of my thoughts when she said “Hey, no one is going to think you’ve stopped aging. You know how insane of an idea that would be? We’re going to keep this information between us, and a year won’t matter much. If you and Howard can’t figure something out between the two of you, then we will think about relocation in order to hide you.” Relocating, I hadn’t thought of that as a possibility. Other than the time I traveled with Steve, I hadn’t lived outside of New York City since I was fourteen. I hoped I wouldn’t have to do that, but maybe I could go live in Howard’s second home in LA. I hadn’t seen it yet, but he spent time there throughout the year, usually when it was colder in New York, so that wouldn’t be too bad to try. I nodded my head at Peggy’s words with a little more hope inside me.

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


March 1, 1958

 

“Maddi please!” Peggy shouted as I threw the rest of the contents on the table in front of us across the room. I smashed three glasses against the wall in anger as I yelled and cried. 

 

“Maddi, that’s enough!” Howard grabbed my arms to stop me from picking anything else up and I stopped yelling when he did. “This isn’t over, okay? We can still fix this.”

 

I shook my head at him, “how?” I asked. “We’ve taken tests, we’ve collected and studied cells from practically every part of my body. We don’t understand what the hell is wrong with me. Because of my actions ten years ago, I don’t get to grow old like a normal person, and I also don’t even get to die young like my husband. I’m stuck like this forever!”

 

“Maddi, this won’t be forever. You have to believe that,” Peggy tried to say but I just scoffed.

 

“We’re out of time Peggy, I was hopeful a year ago but not anymore.”

 

“Hey, you might be out of time, but I’m not. I’m going to keep working on this, and as soon as I figure something out that could let you age and retain physical damage again, you’re coming back home.” Howard still looked determined but I had a hard time believing he could figure anything out. “You’re sure you still can’t remember anything from that day I found you and took you to the hospital?”

 

“Howard it was twelve years ago. I didn’t remember then and I don’t remember now. Are you sure you never found my notes? Because I have never done anything in my scientific career without taking extensive notes,” I snapped at him mostly because of how scared I was. I could tell that he knew that because he didn’t snap back.

 

“I’ve looked,” he replied calmly. “Lots of times, everywhere I could think of. They either don’t exist or they’re lost for good. Either way, it doesn’t matter. We have what we have now to work with, and I’m not giving up on that.” 

 

“So where am I going?” I asked quietly. “Your LA house? Peggy’s childhood home in England?” 

 

Peggy and Howard looked at each other with a concerned look in their eyes. Peggy spoke first, “Well Howard and I were thinking about that, and you really can’t go anywhere that has any connections with your life right now. Otherwise, it would be easier to for people to realize you faked your death instead of actually dying.”

 

I stared at her like she was crazy and said “Fake my death? You can’t be serious, I’m going to be faking my own death?”

 

“Well yeah Maddi. How else did you think we could successfully hide what’s really going on here? I’ve come up with a plan, I have the proper documents for you to live in a small town away from anyone who might connect you to me and then to your life. It’s the only way for us to keep this a secret. And I know before it was really only you wishing to keep this information from anyone else, but Peg and I have come to agree that it would be a bad idea for others to find out. With everyone going crazy about Russian spies, and there really hasn’t been anyone with any special abilities since your husband, people wouldn’t take your situation well. You’re gonna have to lay low until we can figure out how to fix this. When we do, then we can think about the next step.”

 

“And if you don’t?” I asked with a vacant expression. “What’s the next step then?” I didn’t get a reply, which just meant there was no next step other than probably moving from city to city alone forever.

 

“Let’s not worry about that right now,” Peggy finally said. “We know this is a lot Maddi, but we’re trying to keep you safe. You’re going to be okay, we have to stay positive about this.” 

 

I pursed my lips and asked “So how do I die?” 

 

“I have a device that I can set to explode at a certain time. Something that can be contained within a lab, but enough to cause no remains left of the lab. We’ll say you were in it when the lab exploded. And you’ll be moving to Savannah, Tennessee as a 26 year old under the name Lucille Montgomery. If anyone asks, you were born and raised in Nashville and wanted to get away from the city to a smaller and simpler life.” Howard continued to speak about specific details but I wasn’t really listening anymore. 

 

Eventually I spoke with tears once again in my eyes, “This can’t be real. I’m going to be all alone in a place I’ve never been to. I can’t even write you guys, can I?”

 

“No,” Peggy said with sadness in her voice. “We will contact you when we think we have made a breakthrough.”

 

“Everyone I know is going to think I died. Jarvis too?” I asked in sadness.

 

“Unfortunately yes,” Howard replied. “It’s not that any of us don’t trust him, we just think keeping it between the three of us is the safest plan.” I nodded my head knowing he was right. 

 

“You still have a month to prepare,” Peggy said.

 

“Yes, there’s some things I still need to get in order before we blow up one of my labs. So this is time for you to gather anything you might want to take with you. It can’t be much, but obviously anything important that you can’t take with you, I’ll keep safe with me. The rest will have to be handed over to the public as you have no other relatives. I’m sure there are people dying to get a hold of some Captain America stuff you still have.”

 

I gave him a sharp look before I said “I can’t just give away Steve’s stuff.”

 

Peggy grabbed my hand empathetically and told me “we can’t keep everything, Maddi. It would be suspicious that all of your stuff went lost before you died. But I promise any personal items that was yours or Steve’s will stay with either you or Howard. No one will be looking for any drawings he made you, but they will be wanting his original shield and uniform from the touring shows he performed in. Also any artwork he had publicly displayed for contests should probably be handed over. I’ll help you figure out what can be considered as never existed, ‘lost,’ or available for historical purposes.” I hated the idea of having to give up anything that belonged to Steve, but I understood why I would have to.

  
“Thank you, Peggy” I whispered.

 

“We’re going to get through this together,” she replied.

 

“Tennessee Hmm?” I said in thought. “I haven’t been there in so long, my accent is practically gone. I guess I’ll be getting it back,” I tried my best to make it sound like I was joking about the situation but my voice just made it sound more sad.

 

Howard replied to my comment saying “well remember you’re from Nashville, so you’re going to have to fake your accent until it naturally comes back.” I nodded silently as he continued. “We will work out all those details together, I promise.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


**A/N: So there you have it! Maddi “died” in 1958, but she lives on in secret! I tried my best to keep it a surprise, but also give hints throughout the chapters. This was my evil plan since a very very long time ago, so if you saw it coming then that’s really cool! If you didn’t see it coming, that’s also super cool because I was hoping to surprise at least a few people with a twist. I figured no matter which direction I took this story, it has already kinda been done before in other fanfictions and could be described as predictable. So I tried not to dwell on that and just made the story I really wanted to see with my character. Let me know what you think, if you saw it coming, if you like that she didn’t actually die (or if you didn’t). Also, what predictions do you have for future chapters? Just because she lives past 1958 doesn’t mean that’s necessarily a good thing for her or for Steve.**


	45. Chapter 45

**Songs:**

**Willie and the Hand Jive (1958)- Johnny Otis**

**Rockin Robin (1958)- Bobby Day**

**The Twist (1960)-** **Hank Ballard and the Midnighters**

**Runaround Sue (1961)- Dion**

**Big Girls Don’t Cry (1962)- The Four Seasons**

**She Loves You (1963)- The Beatles**

**The Way You Look Tonight (1964)- Frank Sinatra**

**Twist and Shout (1964)- The Beatles**

**House on the Rising Sun (1964)- The Animals**

**Times They are a Changin (1964)- Bob Dylan**

**Eight Days A Week (1965)- The Beatles**

**Dream a Little Dream of Me (1968)- The Mamas & The Papas**

**Hey Jude (1968)- The Beatles**

**Fortunate Son (1969)- Creedence Clearwater Revival**

 

* * *

 

 

December 31, 1968

 

I stood in the doorway practically invisible to all the people partying around me. It didn’t matter that my clothes and overall appearance made me drastically stand out from all the fancy dresses and formal attire, everyone was probably too drunk to notice. Everyone was always too drunk to notice. I looked around for a familiar face, I knew I should be looking for specifically Howard, but anyone who could possibly be someone I used to know would have been just as good. I spotted Jarvis across the room and made a swift move towards him. As he turned right to where I was standing behind him, he looked at me, paused for a second, and then yelped louder than I had ever heard a man do so. That got several people’s attention. He quickly waved them off to go back to what they were doing as he put his hand behind my back and steered me swiftly to the next room that was empty. “Alright, who are you? This party was on invite only, you’re clearly not dressed for the occasion, and frankly you remind me of someone a bit too much for my liking. In fact, I should probably make you leave before Howard sees you, oh he would not take this well.”

 

“Oh I’m sorry Jarvis, is my dress too revealing for you? What about my hair, is it too progressive? Maybe it’s my makeup, I did have it done special to make me stand out. It’s me, Jarvis. It’s Maddi.” His eyes widened more at my words and he looked almost like was about to fall over and I just rolled my eyes. What I wanted to do was cry, but I had to at least wait until I spoke with Howard before I could let my emotions get to me.

 

“Madeline? But you were, you died,” he said in a whisper.

 

“Yeah well obviously not. Now can you find me Howard? I need to have a word with him.” Just then Howard had walked into the room, saw me, and sighed. I didn’t give him a moment to say anything before I spoke again “Did you forget about me? I waited for almost ten years and nothing. Not even a message to update me to say ‘oh Maddi, don’t worry we’re still trying to get you back home.’ No, you just left me alone to rot forever.”

 

“Maddi, we were going to contact you after twelve years if we hadn’t figured out how to get your aging back on tract so that we could relocate you.”

 

“Relocate me?!” I yelled at him. “So I could spend another twelve years in the middle of nowhere and then again and again?”

 

“Maddi-”

 

“I spent the last year just trying to find something, anything that made me feel like a human being again and nothing was working. I just want my friends back, my family. It’s almost 1969 and Steve and I should be over 50. We should have already watched our child grow up and be almost as old as Steve was when he died. Our twenty fifth anniversary should be in five days, and instead I don’t even get to see the people close to me have a life! I don’t even get to start my own life over somewhere else because I’m stuck! I’m stuck and I just need to be with the people that understand again, I just needed to see you and see Peggy because nobody else has even the smallest idea what’s wrong with me.” 

 

The two men in the room stayed silent after I yelled until Jarvis turned to howard and asked “Why doesn’t she look like she’s in her fifties?” Howard rolled his eyes and ran a hand over his face.

 

“That’s what we’ve been trying to figure out for almost twenty years, Jarvis. She stopped aging a long time ago, that’s why we had to fake her death.”

 

“And nobody decided they should have told me or Ana? We thought one of our closest friends was dead for over a decade but you were just hiding that fact from us?”   
  


Howard looked at his butler and friend and told him “The less people who knew, the less likely others would find out and the government would be out to accuse her of treason and aiding the Soviet Union or something else that could have actually gotten her killed.”

 

“Oh no don’t worry about that, not even a bullet can kill me,” I joked but neither of them laughed.

 

“You’ve been shot?” Howard asked me.

 

“It doesn’t matter okay,” I said while avoiding his eyes. 

 

He raised his voice “It does matter!”

 

“No it doesn’t! I came back here because for so long I’ve been doing nothing but blocking you two and Peggy and Steve and Bucky and everyone else I’ve loved out of my head to try and actually live something that resembles a life. Well I couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t keep moving from city to city living wherever anyone would take me in. I’m back here in New York with people I truly love and care about and I’m not leaving again. You have no idea what I’ve been through, I will not be ‘relocated’ anymore.”

 

“Maddi, are you okay-” Howard tried to ask but I cut him off. 

 

“Don’t you dare ask me such a ridiculous question!” I snapped.  “I should have come home when I left Tennessee but I didn’t. So this is the Maddi you get, and you are not allowed to say I’ve changed or I seem different or I’m not looking so great because of course I’ve changed. You certainly have too just by looking at you. I may look the same age but I feel a hundred years old. I really just needed to be by people who I can trust again and who know that I’m some mutated freak. Please, just let me stay and don’t ask me questions you already know the answer to.” I was reminded by my words of a time after Steve died when I told him I wasn’t the Maddi he met during the war. It felt like I was ten different people all rolled into one, with different lives and different experiences. Someone who grew up with my family in the south, someone who called New York my home, someone who called myself a widow before thirty, someone who had a decent life in the middle of nowhere Savannah, Tennessee, someone who would now make all the others feel shocked and ashamed. The list went on and on, and I couldn’t tell what parts of me I wanted and what parts I wished I could just forget and never have to think about again. I realized the parts I liked about me were the ones that were the most painful to think about, and that’s why I had the parts that made me disgusted in myself. 

 

“Okay,” Howard said. “Jarvis, can you get her a room together upstairs? You shouldn’t be here with all these people here. Sleep, you look like you haven’t in days. Tomorrow, everyone will be gone and we can talk more. You can also meet Maria.”

 

“Who’s Maria?” I asked quietly.

 

“She’s my wife.”

 

I smiled slightly at him for the first time “You got married?” 

 

“Yeah, last year actually.” I nodded and felt slightly betrayed for him not trying to tell me such a big change in his life despite our agreement on no contact while I was in Tennessee. Then again, I realized I wouldn’t have even heard if he had tried because I was far from wherever he would have tried to reach out anyway at the time.

 

“Happy New Year!” We heard everyone yell from the other room and I jumped at the noise. We hadn’t realized it was so close to midnight. Very soon after, everyone began to sing  _ Auld Lang Syne  _ because that’s what happened every New Years, but I couldn’t help but burst into tears at the sound. It felt like I was being reminded that I can maybe start over, I do not need to be haunted by my past. I had experienced this when I was just a teenager, but it felt almost so insignificant thinking back at how my life was then. When I had experienced the worst year of my life at the time, I was able to come out of it with so much love from the people around me and that’s what made my life so worth living for years to come. I wasn’t sure if I could get so lucky again this time. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


January 1, 1979

 

“Tea?” Jarvis offered as I sat in Howard’s dining room.

 

I smiled as I fiddled with the end of my sleeve. “Sure,” I told him. As I spoke, Howard and a woman a bit younger than him walked into the room. I immediately stood up to greet them. “You must be Maria, it’s great to meet you,” I said as I held out my hand. She shook it in silence and we sat down at the table together.

 

“I called Peggy, she’s on her way,” Howard said and I held my breath. I couldn’t tell if I was more nervous or happy at the idea of seeing her. We spent the next few moments without a word said from any of us.

 

“When did you two get married?” I asked with a slight smile. 

 

“Just last year,” Maria said and the silence between the group grew once again. 

 

“I almost got married,” I blurted out and immediately regretted what I said because it caused Jarvis and Howard’s eyes to widen. “I mean, I didn’t almost get married, that would have been insane. I almost got engaged but that also would have been insane so that’s why I didn’t.”

 

“You met someone you wanted to get married to? I didn’t think you would ever, I mean I just thought-” Howard began but I cut him off.

 

“I didn’t think you would get married either but here we are. Besides, we didn’t actually-” Then it was my turn to get cut off as there was a knock on the front door. Jarvis went to answer it and soon Peggy was in the room looking towards me with tears in her eyes. She swiftly walked my way as I stood up and we embraced. I hugged her very tightly as I soaked in the fact that I was with my family once again. It was a strange family, and they all had real families of their own, but they were really all I had. As we pulled away, I looked at her more clearly and I saw how she had aged in the last eleven years. She still looked like her confident and gorgeous self, but I could see the evidence of her age in the growing wrinkles and gray hairs.

 

“Maddi, how are you? You must tell me how these almost eleven years have been please. What made you come find us again?” 

 

“Oh Peggy it’s a long story,” I began not sure what I really wanted them to know.

 

“We have all day,” Jarvis said. “Ana is coming over quite soon but she told me that you can start without her.” 

 

“How about start with the man you were almost engaged with?” Howard said.

 

Peggy gasped at his words. “You were almost engaged to someone? Did he know about what happened to you?” she asked.

 

“No,” I whispered. “That’s why I couldn’t let it happen. I had to leave because I found the ring in his jacket. I freaked out and grabbed the few things from my life with y’all and before the war, and I left the town as quick as I could.” I was foolish to even let myself form any kind of relationship with other people when I knew it would only be temporary. 

 

“What was his name?” Peggy asked.

 

I hesitated, not really wanting to talk about it. Frankly, I didn’t want to talk about any of my time when I was gone, but I knew they weren’t going to let me be until I did. “Jackson, his name was Jackson. He wasn’t Steve, trust me I’ll never find another Steve, but he was comfortable. He made me feel happy and safe, and I wanted to ignore the fact that I couldn’t stay and start a new life because of the reason I had to be in Savannah to begin with. I swear I tried to go into that town with the mindset of keeping to myself and not making friends but it was just so hard. There’s no way I could have survived over a decade of seclusion.”

 

Howard spoke up and asked next “What about after? What year did you leave Tennessee and where did you go. Also, you were blond when we last saw you, now you have red hair again.”

 

“I missed my red hair,” I wanted to continue but stopped myself. I looked out the window shaking my head. “I can’t tell you what happened after I left almost three years ago, you won’t look at me the same.”

 

“For heaven’s sake, Maddi! Please stop being so dramatic!” Peggy said with a raised voice. It caught me by surprise and I whipped my head in her direction as she kept talking. “You have always been worried about the person you have grown into, but that is a part of life. We all change as we grow older, and you have plenty of reason to be different than when we last saw you. We are never here to judge you, we care about you. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about something that has happened to you, that’s one thing, but to decide to act as though we would see you as any less of a person is absolutely ridiculous!” 

 

I stared at her with wide eyes before I found my own voice. I didn’t give myself enough time to think through before saying “Fine! You’re right, I don’t know why I would care what the most important people in my life would think about me. It doesn’t really matter what I tell you anymore anyway because Steve certainly already knows about all the alcohol I’ve consumed, all the drugs I’ve tried, all the men I’ve slept with! He sacrificed his entire life to save so many people and how do I honor him? I wallow in self pity for decades; I come close to marrying someone else; I become a person he would have been completely disgusted with!” I stormed out of the room before anyone else could say anything. I knew what Peggy said was true, but I didn’t want to admit it because it was easier to to just hate who I’ve become rather than accept it.

 

As I sat alone in the next room for a few minutes, eventually Peggy came in and sat next to me. We remained silent until she eventually said “I’m not going to lie and say I take back what I said. Since I first really got to know you, you’ve always been so stubbornly critical of yourself one minute and then you try to be practically perfect the next to make up for it. Now you have every right to be upset and angry with where some of your mistakes have led you, but that will not change anything. You could have stayed wherever you had gone after leaving Savannah, but you chose to come here. You chose to find the people who you love and who love you. You chose to stop whatever kind of life you were hiding in, so now it is time to follow through. I am here to really listen to what you have been through by yourself if you now chose to tell me fully and truly.”

 

I looked at her and couldn’t stop the sad smile from showing on my face. Peggy was exactly the kind of tough love I needed, and I was grateful beyond words for her friendship. “You know all my life I’ve always felt the people I love slip through my fingers, and after leaving Tennessee I finally felt like I could be in control of who came and left in my life because I was the one doing the leaving,” I spoke and she took hold of my hand when she saw it begin to shake. “Then again I also felt nothing but guilt continue to build up inside, you’re right that it’s all I’ve ever felt for much of my life. Even when I didn’t show it or even realize it myself, there has been guilt within me.” I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say anymore, but I knew I needed to try before I lost my courage to keep speaking. “When I was still married, I would have gone the rest of my life without ever having a drink. I went through the worst years of my life when I lost Steve, and I still never once had any alcohol because I swore I never would. Two and a half years ago, I broke my own promise simply because needed to feel something real.” I laughed bitterly at the ridiculousness of it when said out loud. 

 

I continued, “being alone drove me crazy, I felt like I couldn’t actually feel anything anymore and I thought maybe alcohol would actually help. Didn’t matter, I soon discovered I also can’t get drunk. So I stayed in California for a bit, it’s pretty easy to  get really any kind of drugs you want if you spend time with the right people. Those didn’t work either, so I figured if I faked it enough, I could even convince myself that I was having as much fun as the people around me. I soon realized that the only time I could feel absolutely anything with my body that always feels just frozen in time was when I spent a night with another man. So I kept taking the useless drugs and sleeping with whoever I could find, and honestly I was so shut down for so long Peggy. I think what bothers me most is how I actually enjoyed basically living on the streets only ever worrying about ‘music and love.’”

 

She thought about what I said for a bit when she realized I had nothing more to say about my time alone. I felt like I was holding my breath waiting for her response. Finally she asked me “What made you finally decide to leave it all? To come back to us?” 

 

“For a few days, I was staying with a man who looks about how old I look, and he brought up the draft one time while a group of his friends were over. I’m not stupid, I know how all of the people I spent my time with felt about the war, but for some reason it just felt so different that night. He talked about how he would run straight for Canada if he was told to join the military. I had an argument with Jackson years back that I was reminded of. I had told him I was a widow, that my husband died fighting in Vietnam. It was as close as I could get to the truth so that I was not completely lying. Any discussion about the war was not allowed between us, but he once said that he needed me to know he would avoid the draft at all cost to stay with me. I think he thought I would have liked what he said, but it just put such a sour taste in my mouth. I yelled at him, screamed at him, for his words. I called him a coward and I was just so angry that he would go out of his way to avoid being called to serve when Steve risked everything to be a part of the fight. I told him it was one thing to disagree with the involvement in the war, it was an entirely different thing to run away from such a big responsibility like that. Anyway, while I sat with all the people around me agreeing to protest through refusing to serve, I just felt so gross all over. It was like everything I did over the last couple of years caught up to me all at once and I wanted to get as far away from it as possible. I quickly left and I doubted anyone even noticed. It was easy for me to move around, all I really have with me is some clothes, my ring on Steve’s necklace, and one of his drawings. Thank you by the way for not letting me take anything more of his all those years ago. I probably would have lost some if I had too much with me.”

 

“It’s all still here,” she said as she wrapped her arms around me. I immediately hugged her back, feeling so much weight leave my body. “Your stuff, Steve’s stuff. We weren’t lying when we said we would keep as much of it safe as possible until we could bring you back home. I’m sorry it couldn’t have been sooner.”

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, you and Howard have always done more than enough for me.”

 

“Steve wouldn’t be disgusted in you, he could never be. He knew you better than anyone, and if I can still see that you truly haven’t changed at all deep down, he wouldn’t once doubt it either.” I squeezed her tighter as she spoke, and she held me for a bit longer. It was clear to me that as I was lucky to have Peggy in my life, she was also happy to have me back in hers. 

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


**A/N: Wow I either that chapter was one of my favorites or one of my worst ones ever. I really can never tell until I go back and read it months later, but alas I do not want to wait so long to update. I hope that it all made sense, I hope that you all liked it, and I really hope that you want to keep reading more. I’m sorry that I do not update as often as any of us would like. Trust me, nobody wants all the chapters to be written with the snap of a finger (pun intended) as much as I do. I know pretty well how I want this story to play out and finish, and I do not want to rush it and it ends up really bad, but I also do not want it to drag too long. So let me know what you think about this chapter, about where the story is in general, hopes and/or predictions for the future chapters. Thank you so much for everyone still sticking by and liking my story and reviewing! You all are the best!!**


	46. Chapter 46

**Okay the music is especially important now because if I had my dream come true and this story would be something you can watch on screen instead of read, these songs would be played throughout. Especially the ones under “Maddi sings with Tony”. I can picture dancing montages with them and I would love for you all to as well. I know that is super cheesy, but I just really want it to be a part of this story.**

 

**Songs Maddi would listen to/introduce to Tony:**

**Let It Be (1970)- The Beatles**

**Imagine (1971)- John Lennon**

**Hotel California (1976)- Eagles**

**Stayin Alive (1977)- The Bee Gees**

**Night Fever (1977)- The Bee Gees**

**I Have a Dream (1979)- ABBA**

**Chiquitita (1979)- ABBA**

**Highway to Hell (1979)- AC/DC**

**The Winner Takes it All (1980)- ABBA**

**Slipping Through my Fingers (1981)- ABBA**

**One of Us (1981)- ABBA**

**Wanna Be Startin Somethin (1982)- Michael Jackson**

 

**Songs Maddi sings with Tony:**

**One Love (1965)- Bob Marley**

**Hey Jude (1968)- The Beatles**

**Waterloo (1974)- ABBA**

**December, 1963 (1975)- The Four Seasons**

**Don’t Go Breaking My Heart (1976)- Elton John with Kiki Dee**

**New York, New York (1977)- Frank Sinatra**

**Back in Black (1980)- AC/DC**

 

 

* * *

  
  


June 12, 1970

 

“You, my little one, have given your parents and I quite the headache,” I said softly as I held the small baby in my arms. He had finally stopped crying and was looking up at me with wide eyes. I smiled down at Howard and Maria’s son. Maria was having some well deserved rest and Howard was at work, so I bounced the two week old in my arms lightly to calm him down. “But that’s alright, we still love you, Tony.”

 

“I can already tell you’re going to let that kid get away with anything,” I heard from behind me. I turned to see Howard smiling in the doorway. He must had gotten home from work without me hearing.

 

“Well why shouldn’t I? I’m not his parents, you and Maria can be the ones to tell him no,” I said and he chuckled.

 

“Thank you for helping us take care of him, helping Maria.”

 

“Oh please, I love helping with Tony. Honestly, you two having a kid makes being stuck in this house so much better. I mean your house is big, but there is only so much exploring I can do. This keeps me busy.” I had been staying with Maria and Tony since I came back almost a year and a half ago. They were happy to let me stay with them, despite my protests, but we all decided it was best if I restricted my interactions with people outside of those who knew about the fact that I wasn’t actually ambiguously 25 to a young looking 40 years old. We weren’t sure for how long, and while I did get restless sometimes, it was working pretty well. Of course I wasn’t inside all the time, but going out I just had to make sure I wouldn’t run into anyone who might find me suspicious. 

 

“Well you’re much appreciated. We just might have to keep you here as long as possible to keep helping. I’m not ready for any stage of this child’s life, that’s for sure.”

 

“Stop worrying, Howard, this kid will love you.” As he left the room, Tony started to fuss a bit more again. “You miss your dad already?” I asked him softly with a light laugh. “He’s just in the next room. What can I do to make you feel better, honey?” He hadn’t started fully crying yet but I could happen any moment. “Want me to sing to you? Would you like that?” I thought for a moment to find a good song that might soothe him. “ _ You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am I'll come running, to see you again _ ,” I sang the refrain to a new song I had heard by Carole King. “ _ Winter, spring, summer or fall, ll you have to do is call and I'll be there. You've got a friend. _ ” He soon calmed down as I continued and I just smiled when he finally fell asleep. “I’ll always be here for you Tony, I promise.” I whispered to him, feeling so much love for the little baby in my arms.

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


July 15, 1975

 

“Where are we going?” Tony asked as he held my hand and we walked on the subway.

 

“We’re going to the grocery store.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I thought it might be fun to go out just the two of us.”

 

“I’ve never been to the grocery store,” he said with excitement in his voice and I smiled.

 

“I know! That’s why I planned this adventure for us,” I told him and it only made him more excited. We could have easily gone to one closer to the house, but I wanted to take hi a bit farther. The subway was something I hadn’t ridden in a while, and it was fun to be able to take Tony on it when I knew his own parents never would. Once we got to the store, we searched for different foods that I knew weren’t at the house. “Would you like me to make a very special pie I used to make years ago?” I asked him.

 

“Yes please Maddi, I love pie!”

 

I chuckled at him and replied “I know you do, why else would I suggest it? Let’s go find the ingredients we need.” As we walked hand in hand while I held our basket, I couldn’t help but smile. Tony and I spent a lot of time together because Howard worked long hours and Maria was with Howard when he took trips out of town or attended important dinners and events. She spent a lot of time with Tony when she was home, but she was home much less than she was away with Howard. Howard was always away for work, so it was a lot of Tony and me time over the past five years. Jarvis was also a pretty strong presence in his life. On the way back to the house with our pie supplies, I turned towards the little boy sitting next to me. “Hey sweetheart, can you keep a secret?”

 

“Of course!” he gave me a very serious look to let me know he could be trusted and I smiled at him.

 

“This adventure was the most fun I’ve had in my whole life!” I said with lots of enthusiasm.

 

He laughed, “Maddi, that’s impossible. You’re whole life?”

 

“Yes silly, my whole life! You wanna know why?” I asked him.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I spent it with you, and you were having fun so I had fun.” Later that night, Howard and Maria were not planning to get home until it was late in the evening, so I put Tony to bed. 

 

“Will you sing the song please?” He asked me and grinned as I tucked him in.

 

“ _ When you're down and troubled and you need some love and care and nothing, nothing is going right. Close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nigh _ t.” As I got to the refrain of the song he began to softly sing along with me.

 

_ “You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am I'll come running, to see you again _ .  _ Winter, spring, summer or fall, ll you have to do is call and I'll be there. You've got a friend. _ ”

 

He barely got the words out by the end because he was falling asleep. “Goodnight Tony,” I said as I kissed his forehead and left his room.

 

 

* * *

  
  
  


December 21, 1976

 

Tony and I sang and danced around the kitchen as we baked cookies together for Christmas. He was so incredibly smart, I often forgot he was still only six years old. I Howard and I had actually found him with a complete simple circuit board when he was just four years old. He had built it himself, and we couldn’t believe it. He certainly developed a huge personality on top of his intelligence, so there was never a dull moment with him around. 

 

“What on Earth is going on here?” Jarvis asked as he entered the kitchen. The music on the radio kept playing and I laughed loudly at his shocked look. The kitchen was a complete mess from our baking, so his look was completely justified. 

 

“Come to join us Jarvis?” I asked. 

 

“Oh sure, let’s make an even bigger mess,” he replied.

 

“Come on Jarvis!” Tony said grabbing his hand. “I’ll help clean, I promise.”

 

“There you go, he promises. Now let’s finished these cookies,” I said and I knew Jarvis wouldn’t be able to resist. The radio played mostly Christmas music, but some other current and older songs were mixed in. Soon I heard Frank Sinatra’s voice as he began to sing the first verse to “ _ The Way You Look Tonight. _ ” I froze and immediately went to the radio to turn it to a different station. 

 

“Why did you change it?” Tony asked as he came to sit next to me at the kitchen table. 

 

“That song just reminds me of someone, that’s all.”

 

“Was the person mean?” he asked.

 

“No not at all, very much the opposite actually. It just makes me miss him whenever I hear it.” It was Steve’s and my song: our first dance, the song we sang to each other throughout our relationship. No matter what I did to not think about Steve or just be okay with moving on after so many decades, that song always brought me back to when we were young, and of course it was one of the most remade songs out there. I thought about the last time I really heard that song back in 1968 and how it made me almost have a panic attack at the time.

 

_ I had been kissing a man in his apartment while there was music playing in the background. We were about to move to his bed when that song came on. I pulled away when I realized what was playing. He tried to kiss me again but I pushed him back. “Turn off that music,” I said with a sharp tone in my voice. _

 

_ “Why, what’s wrong with it?” he was asking the question but not really looking for an answer. He was looking to lead me to his bed.  _

 

_ “I’m serious turn it off right now,” I said again. There’s is no way I could be with another man while our song played in the background. Just the thought of it made me feel sick to my stomach. I already knew what I was doing was terrible but to continue with the song that was meant for Steve and I… that is where I drew a hard line. “I just really don’t like Sinatra,” I tried to use this as my excuse. He finally got up and walked to the music and turned it off.  _

 

_ “What do you have against Sinatra?” he asked with a chuckle. _

 

_ “It doesn’t matter. Now do you want to sit here and talk about Frank Sinatra or do you want to move this to your room?” that got him to drop the subject and I was grateful to push my thoughts back deep inside my own mind where they couldn’t hurt me anymore.  _

 

“Who was he?” Tony asked with curiosity and actual empathy in his eyes, displaying his abilities to sense the feelings of others very well.

 

I thought for a moment about what to say because I didn’t know how much was good idea to reveal. After glancing at Jarvis, who knew I was thinking about Steve, I decided to go with as much of the truth as I could. “He was my husband,” I told him.

 

“You were married? He asked in surprise.

 

“Yes I was,” I said with a soft smile. “His name Steve, and he served in the Army when we were together. He went to fight for America, in Vietnam, and he died protecting a lot of people.”

 

“Hey, that’s kinda like Captain America, you know the one dad talks about? Maybe he was named after him, Steve Rogers.” I let out a small laugh when he connected my short description so quickly to Steve. 

 

“Maybe,” I said.

 

He thought for a few moments before asking “If he were still alive, would he have been my godfather?” Howard and Maria called me Tony’s godmother, and Tony really liked that. We had also thought it was best to let Tony believe I was his cousin. It wasn’t legally official, but the older he got, the more questions he had about why I stayed with them and why I didn’t work like his parents did. We tried to tell him what we could and kept most of it secret from him so that he couldn’t accidentally tell the wrong people the wrong thing. 

 

“Yes, I think he probably would.”

 

“He must have been a really good man if you loved him so much.”

 

“He was a wonderful man, and he would have loved you and loved being your godfather.”

 

“I wish he were still here, so I could meet him and so you could be happy.”

 

I gave him a confused look, “Sweetheart, I’m very happy. Yes, remembering and missing Steve does make me a little sad sometimes, but you make me so incredibly happy. You’re parents, Miss Peggy, Jarvis,” I gave Jarvis a smile as I spoke. “You all make me happy. You do not have to worry one bit about me.”

 

He had a look of contemplation over my words and then said “okay, let’s finish these cookies then.” I giggled and agreed as we stood up once again to grab the frosting. I thought about it everyday how having Tony in my life truly did make me happy. He gave me so much real, true, and consistent joy. I was so grateful to have come back to New York just in time to get to know Maria and be there when Tony was born. Them and Howard made me a part of their family everyday and I felt like I could really do this forever. 

 

 

* * *

  
  
  


October 3, 1978

 

“You’re serious?” I asked Howard and Maria with tears in my eyes. “This is real, completely works, I can use this as my real name and identity?”

 

“Yes, it took me much longer than I wanted, but all the right documents are here. You are officially Madison Carbonell, Maria’s niece. It will give you the ability to be a part of our family but not be in any public eye with a Stark name. Additionally, you are legally named Tony’s godmother and guardian in the possible case of an untimely death on our parts.”

 

“I don’t know what to say,” I was crying so much from the love and joy I felt. “Thank you. Maria, oh thank you so much for making me a part of your family.”   
  


“Darling, you already were. We love you and want to do this to protect you and keep you in Tony’s life as long as we can,” she replied.

 

“Your birth certificate says you were born in 1953, so I think you’ll be able to pull off this alias until ‘91 or ‘92. We’ll keep working on a fix for your aging and maybe it won’t matter by then. Maybe you can truly live the rest of your life as a part of our family.” Howard always kept his optimism high when it came to fixing how I never age, I learned not to argue much with it. I was sad to think about what I would have to do when the time comes and I still looked the same age, but it was no longer as daunting and painful as before. Knowing I could be there for Tony ak he grew into at least the beginning of adulthood was enough for me to still be happy. “I was able to make it Madison so we could stick with Maddi. We didn’t want Tony to have to call you something else and confuse him.”

 

“Thank you,” I said again and I felt like I couldn’t say it enough.

 

 

* * *

  
  
  


December 17, 1980

 

“Hey there my mini genius! How was your first semester away from home?” I asked as Tony approached the car I took to pick him up for Christmas break. 

 

“Don’t send me back there,” he said as opened the passenger door and stepped in. 

 

I got in on the drivers side and gave him a concerned look. “That bad?” I asked.

 

“It’s just weird, being younger. Plus it doesn’t even matter because it’s still all super easy. I don’t like being away from home either.” 

 

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, “It’s not up to me sweetheart, but I’ll talk to your parents about it. Now let’s focus on the most important topic at hand: Christmas! Are you ready for two weeks of baking, music, movies, and tons of fun?” I tried to cheer him up and he smiled but something else seemed to bother him some more. 

 

“What does it matter, they won’t even be there.” I frowned as we drove away from the school.

 

“You’re parents don’t have any plans during Christmas this year, I promise it’ll be fun!”

 

“Sure, tons of fun with Dad just saying all the bad things about me and then always being able to bring up the person I should be more like. I’ll be glad to see Mom of course, but I really am getting tired of every conversation with Dad just being a comparison game to the perfect Steve Rogers. Why all of a sudden this year he decided I’ll never be as good the man he created almost thirty years before me?” My frown grew even more at his words. I had heard Howard tell Tony about Steve since he was a toddler. Tony used talk about Steve is a way that a little boy talks about his favorite hero. Now, at only ten years old, he clearly held so much resentment for him. It only brought me concern for how much that was affecting his relationship with his father.

 

“You know your dad isn’t trying to make you feel bad or worth any less, he just wants you to be the best person you can be.”

 

“Well the best person I can be will never measure up to Captain freaking America!” 

 

“Alright Tony, keep your voice calm and kind.” He scoffed quietly and looked out the window. I sighed before continuing “your dad loves you. He has a hard way of showing it, but I promise that he loves you more than anything else in the whole world.”

 

 

* * *

  
  
  


December 18, 1980

 

“Hey Howard, can I talk to you about something?” I asked him as entered his office. One thing that had definitely changed since we were both younger was that he spent much more time in his office than his lab. The business side of his job had almost completely taken over, and I had a feeling that caused him to be so much more busy all the time. I sat down and continued before he could even respond “you need to stop bringing Steve up to Tony, especially when you’re mad at him.”

 

“What are you talking about?” he asked putting down the paper he was reading before I walked in.

 

“When you say things that make Tony feel like you are comparing him to Steve, it just makes him feel so inadequate in your eyes. He has really grown to hate this image of Steve you’ve created for him, and I don’t want him to continue to think that. He used to love Captain America but now you use him as a tool to try and get Tony to behave, but it only makes him more resentful. Within the next couple of years, we’re going to have to tell Tony the truth about who I really am, how old I am, and who my husband actually was. He really likes hearing stories about the two of us when Steve was still alive, and that will all change when he realizes my Steve wasn’t born in the late 1940s and died in the Vietnam War but instead was Steve Rogers.”

 

“Maddi, he’s just acting a bit childish. He will probably grow out of it by the time we tell him about you and it won’t matter anymore.” 

 

“Just please try, for me and for Steve.” 

 

He sighed before nodding. “Alright,” he said. “I will, I promise.”

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


August 15, 1982

 

Tony, Howard, Maria and I all sat around the table because we had decided it was time to tell him everything about my past. “You guys are acting really weird, is this going to take a while because it seems like it might?” Tony asked.

 

“There is something we have to tell you Tony,” I said first. “It is something that we wanted to tell you for a while but needed to wait until you were old enough to handle it.”

 

“Oh nice, if twelve is old enough for this weird family meeting secret, then maybe it’s old enough to start getting some driving lessons?”

 

“Tony this is a serious matter right now,” Howard said.

 

“Of course it is, everything is serious when you’re around, isn’t it?” he responded.

 

“Tony, Maddi really has something important to share with you,” Maria said calmly.

 

He didn’t say anything else so I took that as my turn to speak. “Have you ever noticed that I have looked pretty much the same your entire life?”

 

“Maybe, but I don’t think any of you look all that different from when I was really small. Maybe if I compared some pictures but come on, I think everyone twenty to forty look pretty much the same.” I chuckled at his words and continued to tell him everything.

 

“Well I would hope so because that is kind of what we have been trying to pull off for a while now. Especially because about four years ago, I officially had the proper documents to make it work.” I paused to gather my thoughts and figure out where to actually start. “My real name isn’t Madison Carbonell. I was born Madeline Jane Bennett, and when I got married I was Madeline Rogers.”

 

“Rogers? Like Steve Rogers? Your husband’s name was Steve, that doesn’t make any sense, wait…” Tony rambled and trailed off as he started to connect the dots. 

 

“I was born on June 25, 1918, which makes me 64 years old. And yes, my husband was Steve Rogers, the very same Steve Rogers that fought in World War II as Captain America. A few years after his death, there was some sort of accident in the lab I was working in, and since then I have stopped aging. It’s also impossible for me to get physically hurt, my cells fix themselves too fast.”

 

“I don’t believe you,” he said after I explained the basics to him. “This is a joke right? You all thought it would be funny to mess with me?”

 

“Honey, it’s not a joke. My birth certificate says I am 29 years old. Do you really remember me as a teenager when you were younger, or do you remember me looking exactly as I do right now?”

 

“I mean, all adults look a lot alike, I never really payed attention. Why do you fake your identity?”

 

“It’s complicated,” I replied. “I think one of the biggest reasons was seeing Steve become such a public symbol for people, and he was sometimes used by the government and others because of his abilities. I didn’t want that for myself, I hated the idea of being tested on by people I had never met, sold to the public as some sort of image that they made for me. Steve handled it well, I just wanted to live a normal life. We haven’t been able to figure out a way to reverse it because we don’t even really know how it happened, or else we would have done it a long time ago.” 

 

“So you were married to Captain America. All those stories you told me about you and Steve, that was the same Steve dad has been talking about my whole life?”

 

“That’s right,” Howard said this time. “Same Steve Rogers.”

 

This is where I was worried Tony would be angry with me for ever being with the one man he grew to hate solely because Howard focused so much on him. “I wish you told me earlier. I can’t seem to mix the two images right now. On top of that, you’re not actually related to me through mom at all. Did you even know mom before?”   
  


“No, I met her when I came back to New York in 1969. I spent a little over a decade away from my old life because we faked my death in 1958 when I was beginning to look too young for my actual age. Your parents met and got married while I was gone. I’ve known your father since the forties, Steve was the reason actually. Him becoming Captain America is what brought the people I have today into my life. I can show you pictures of us before he joined the military. Pretty much everything you know about my childhood was true we met when we were young after I moved to New York from Tennessee. It was all just forty years earlier than I made it sound.”

 

Maria added “we didn’t want to tell you yet because you were too young. You may still be twelve right now, but you’re in high school and are clearly smart enough to handle it. Plus, we knew you would eventually see for yourself how Maddi hasn’t aged.”

 

“I’m still the same person you know Tony,” I told him while grabbing his hand. “I’m still your godmother, and you’re still the one thing in my life that brings me more joy than anything else. When I was alone for all those years, I went through a lot and maybe someday I’ll talk to you more about that part of my life when you’re older. Deciding to leave the destructive life I built for myself to look for your Dad and for Peggy in New York was the best decision I made. It brought me back to my friends, really my family, and eventually to you. I may not actually be related to any of you, but you are my family. I haven’t been with blood relatives since the 1930s, so I would know better than anyone, that is not the only thing that makes a true family.”

 

* * *

 

**A/N: So I want to make sure I give enough to Maddi and Tony’s relationship, but I will be jumping through kind of like in this chapter.**

**Also, side note from the last chapter. When I think about the relationship Maddi had with Jackson, I think a lot about the song "Dancing With Our Hands Tied" by Taylor Swift. I won't be adding much detail to it, since it's not the love story of focus here, but it was definitely something Maddi knew was doomed from the beginning but was drawn into it anyway. I think the song does a good job of expressing that kind of relationship pretty well. Give it a listen if you are unfamiliar with it to get a little more insight on her journey! That part of her life will come back in future chapters.**

**Thanks for the follows, favorites, and reviews! I love to hear feedback, it certainly impacts my future writing! I also am so surprised at how many people read and like this story so again, I’m super grateful!!**


	47. Chapter 47

**We Belong (1984)- Pat Benatar**

**Smooth Criminal (1987)- Michael Jackson**

**Sweet Child O Mine (1887)- Guns n Roses**

**Vogue (1990)- Madonna**

**Linger (1993)- The Cranberries**

**Make You Feel My Love (1997)- Bob Dylan**

**Santeria (1997)- Sublime**

 

* * *

  
  


August 25, 1982

 

Tony had been avoiding me for a little over a week since we had told him the truth about who I was. I didn’t like that he wasn’t talking to me much more than the minimum, but I felt like I should give him his space.

 

“He’ll come around soon,” Jarvis said as I sat at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea he had made me. “I don’t think he’s mad, he’s just probably confused and questioning everything he thought he knew.”

 

“Well that doesn’t make me feel much better,” I replied. “I wish he would just ask me those questions or tell me how he’s feeling.”   
  


“He will, if anyone in his life can get him to open up about his feelings, it would be you.”

 

As I continued to think about how I could possibly make it better between us, Tony walked into the kitchen about ten minutes later. He sat down across from me and hesitated before asking “Do you have any of those pictures from before?”

 

I said up straighter and nodded quickly “Yes I do. Would you like to see some of them?”

 

“Yeah I mean, I always wanted to see photos from your wedding. You always talked about it like it was your favorite memory, but you had told me they were mostly lost in a fire years before. Man I can’t believe how many obviously fake information I believed about your life. I really should have noticed how weird it was about your age at least.” He smiled as he joked about his obliviousness. I gave a small smile back and also smiled at Jarvis as this had been the most Tony had spoken to me in a while. 

 

“Well I have some in my room, and there are more in a locked room behind your father’s work room.” I led him up to my room first as that is where I held my most favorite items and photos from the life I had as Madeline Bennett and Madeline Rogers. We sat next to each other on my bed after I got a box out from under it. I handed him some pictures from when I was a child and teenager with my family in Tennessee. Then there were a few of Steve, Bucky and I. After he looked through those, I handed him only one taken at my wedding. It was of Steve and I kissing. “This was the only one taken when we got married. All of these were drawings that Steve made for me to remember the day by. He gave them all to me on my birthday later that year.” I handed him the pile of drawings and he slowly turned through them. It had been awhile since I looked at any of them, so it certainly flooded back a lot of those memories. 

 

“You two looked really happy.”

 

“We were,” I replied. I also took out Steve’s dog tags to show him. I had put my wedding and engagement rings on the chain years back so I wouldn’t lose them. I had worn them on my hand for a very long time, and then I wore them while the were on the dog tag chain under my blouses for years after, but I eventually knew I needed to put them away.

 

“I’m not mad at you,” he said and I looked at him with surprise probably evident on my face. “Sure it would have been nice to know the truth earlier, but I get why nobody told me until now. I can’t blame you for falling in love with this guy, everyone always talks about how perfect he was and he clearly was perfect for you.” 

 

“He wasn’t perfect,” I told him quickly. “Seriously, we had our fair share of fights. Stuff like that isn’t really talked about much once the person dies, and I know it was hard to see Steve’s flaws unless you really knew him. Your dad certainly falls under that category.”

 

“I’ll try my best not to hate him so much anymore,” Tony replies. “I know he was important to you, so when you tell me about the rest of your life growing up that you kept secret, I’ll understand that he will be a part of those stories.”

 

 “Look at you, being so compassionate and wise,” I joked as nudged him with my shoulder. He smiled back and I looked at him a bit more seriously and continued “you know, for most of my life, both before and after Steve died, so much of my life did involve my relationship with him. He was my everything. For a while, I was scared that’s how it would be forever, but ever since I first got to hold you, you became my everything. I know you’re not my own kid, you’re not even really my cousin, but you are my godson and I love you with all my heart. I want you to know that you are my whole world and I would not want it any other way.”

 

He leaned his head on my shoulder and I wrapped my arm around him. “Maddi?” he asked after a while.

 

“Yeah sweetheart?” I said.

 

“Thanks for not aging, I would have hated not having you around.”

 

“I still would have been around,” I tried to reason.

 

“Maybe, but it wouldn’t have been the same.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


May 25, 1985

 

I stood in the crowd along with Maria Stark and Edwin and Ana Jarvis waiting for Tony’s name to be said as he walked across the stage. He had already given his Valedictorian speech and when we heard “Anthony Edward Stark” we all cheered as he smiled his boyish grin. He looked our way waved, I had been cheering so loud that I certainly got a few looks from the more uptight people around me, but I couldn’t care less. I was just so proud of Tony, he hadn’t even turned 15 yet and graduated high school at the top of his class. 

 

“Hey there college graduate,” I said as he found us after the ceremony. His mother gave a hug before he turned to hug the rest of us. 

 

“Where is he this time? What was too important to at least make an appearance here today?” He asked us all and I sighed. I had already known that Howard’s absences was going to make Tony really upset and I didn’t blame him for it. 

 

Maria was the one to respond to his question and said “Dear, he really tried to get here but there was an issue with the latest product of the company. He had to go in and talk with the lawyers, but he will be at home tonight to congratulate you-”

 

“You know what, it doesn’t matter. He wouldn’t have had anything nice to say if he were here anyway. There’s a nice restaurant a couple blocks down the road if you want to head over there, I’ll catch up I just have some last minute things I need to work out.youngest Valedictorian never rest around here so I’ll see you later.” He turned and walked back towards the event building and Maria and Jarvis both tried to follow him, but I stopped them.

 

“Let me try talking to him, you three go get us a table.” Maria sighed and nodded her head at my words. She tried to show her love and support to Tony as much as she could, but she always had a hard time connecting with him. Part of it was her own lack of spending a lot of time with him; she was better at it than Howard, but she still put a lot of other things ahead of just basic quality time. On top of that, she had never really been able to navigate through Tony’s sarcastic and joking behavior so it made it harder to really get him to open up around her. Tony loved his mother, but he had told me before that he felt I was more the person to raise him than she was. I internally felt bad thinking I might had taken time away from him and his mom just from being around his whole life. He must had realized that I felt that way without telling him because he also added jokingly that I was better than having to have some random nanny around all these years instead. 

 

Tony was sitting on a bench looking over the creek nearby, away from everyone else celebrating their end of high school. As smart as he was, I tried to remind myself that he was still only fourteen, fifteen by the end of the next week, and he needed to be taken care of more than he led on. “You here to talk my problems away?” he asked as I sat down next to him. “No wait, let me guess, you’ll sing my problems away. What was that song you used to sing when I was little? With the seasons? ‘ _ Just Call Out My Name _ ?’”

 

“ _ You’ve Got A Friend _ ,” I replied, giving him time to say what was on his mind. Tony always ended up telling me how he was really feeling when he started rambling like this.

 

“Right yes, that’s the one! So as a friend, I’d like to ask you some advice. Do I keep hoping and trying to get the great Howard Stark to notice and actually care about his son, or should I just grow the hell up already and move on? Because for years you’ve been giving me excuses for him, so I don’t really want to hear the opinion of someone who has been his friend since the 1940s. I want the opinion of someone who promised they would be my friend since I was a baby, someone who can actually open her eyes and realize that a man missing his son’s high school graduation who finished top in his class at just fourteen years old is not something that should be excused.”

 

“You’re right,” I responded immediately when he finished. “It is inexcusable, and I’m so sorry for being someone who always makes excuses for him.” He didn’t respond so I continued, true to every word I was saying. “Your father is a wonderful friend, a brilliant engineer and evidently business man, and a good person. However, he has certainly dropped the ball on fatherhood for most of these last almost fifteen years.”

 

“Yeah, you got that right.” He looked away from me and I could tell he was trying to physically hide his feelings but they were evident in his tone. 

 

I took his hand and he looked back at me as I continued. “I don’t know why he has such a hard time showing you that he loves you, and I know that you will never believe me when I tell you that he does. I wish there was more I could do, I’ve tried talking to him more times than I can count. In the almost twelve years that I was on my own, became someone very different from the person I met decades before. Both of your parents hold kindness to let me be a part of your family, I just wish they did a better job of making you feel apart of that family as well.” I had tried so many times to figure out why Howard had grown to be so much more serious and strict. I thought maybe it was simply age, or maybe it was the fact that he spent more time in the business aspect instead of the engineering and it made him change how he acted. Whatever it was, I wasn’t able to change it no matter how much I had tried. All I could really do was be there for Tony, and he was right that I needed to stop making excuses for Howard. Whatever made him have such a strained relationship with his son should not be the responsibility of the teenager but of the father. 

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


May 16, 1988

 

“I don’t care how many degrees you earn from MIT, as long as you still live in this house you will stop this childish behavior and start acting like a man!” Howard shouted as Tony had come home early in the morning from a night of partying. Tony was celebrating his graduation from college, and he had seemed to be taking it to more extremes each time. He was clearly recovering from getting drunk with the people he had been with before. 

 

“Howard, he’s just 17. He should be able to celebrate a little when he’s accomplished so much,” Maria tried to calm him down.

 

“Exactly Maria, he’s 17! You  can smell all the alcohol on him, it’s completely unacceptable.”

 

“Well Howard, maybe you should recall how much of a party animal you used to be,” I said.

 

“Maddi, enough telling me how to raise my own kid. His entire life you’ve always inserted your own little opinions and I can’t take it anymore!” He responded.

 

“Maybe it you actually did raise him, I wouldn’t have to.”

 

“Hey!” Tony yelled at all of us to stop bickering. “I’m tired of being the center of your fighting. I’m almost 18, so I think I can handle myself when it comes to the occasional party. And Maddi, I don’t need you to rescue me from my father every time he yells at me. Now if you all don’t mind, I’m going to go take a nap as I have a headache coming on pretty strong right now.”

 

“We are not done with this conversation,” Howard snapped but Tony lept walking towards his room.

 

“Well I am, so we can talk later.” he shut his door after arriving there. 

 

Howard then turned towards me and said “You coddle him so much, you both do. He needs to learn that there are responsibilities to growing up.”

 

“He has been forced to grow up faster because of how smart he is, but he’s still just a teenager and you can’t fault him for that. I agree he shouldn’t be drinking so young, but yelling at him isn’t going to change anything. He has been in the spotlight of America his whole life, of course that is going to affect how he acts.”

 

“Howard, Maddi is just trying to help. I hate to admit it because it just proves that we really could be much better parents, but she knows him better than we do. We’ve never spent the kind of quality time with him that she has as he’s grown up, and that makes a difference.” Maria looked pained as she admitted her flaws of raising Tony. She was very affectionate with her son, which certainly helped their relationship, but she didn’t spend as much time with him as Tony always wanted either.

 

Howard rand his hand across his face as he sighed. “I just want the best for him,” he said softly and frowned slightly. Our friendship had certainly been strained over the years, but we still cared about each other.

 

“You need to let him know that then,” I replied. “Really show him you love him because I know you do.” He paced a bit before announcing he was going downstairs to his workshop to think. I sighed knowing that not much was going to change anytime soon.

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


February 6, 1993

 

I walked into the the the house to find furniture turned over and every room smelling like alcohol. Even after so many decades, it was all too familiar and it left me very tense. As I walked upstairs, I was met with Tony passed out on a chair with a bottle of tequila sitting next to him. This had happened far to many times for me to brush it off anymore it had been non stop partying with him for a while, but even more so since his parents had died. 

 

_ “You can’t blame yourself, none of us knew this would happen,” I said as Tony had his hands in his face. The news of Howard and Maria’s car crash was still fresh and I did everything I could to hold back the flood of tears within me. I needed to be there for Tony first.  _

 

_ “How do you do it?” he mumbled with pain in his voice. “How have you lost so many people throughout your life and still find a way to keep being okay?” _

 

_ “I don’t think I’ve ever been okay. Even when I don’t talk about it, I still think about the important people in my life that I have lost on a regular basis. I think learning to live with that pain is the only thing I can do anymore because there are so many wonderful things that shouldn’t be destroyed because of that pain.” I wrapped my arms around him as he buried his head in my shoulder and I felt his tears. “It’s always going to hurt, but I know you will get through it.” _

 

Tony stirred as I was cleaning up the mess around as best as I could. With him being conscious enough to stand with my help, I got him to his bed and he immediately went to sleep. 

 

 

* * *

  
  
  


February 7, 1992

 

“I don’t know what to do anymore Jarvis, I can’t keep watching him destroy himself like this anymore,” I said as he came over in the morning at my request. He had gotten much older, much like Tony’s parents before they died, and it was so strange to see my friends look as old as I felt. 

 

“Maddi, you’re doing the best you can. He’s an adult, and the CEO of one of the biggest companies in the world. He needs to understand himself what that requires of him for him to actually change.”

 

“I just feel like there’s more that I could be doing. Other than when they first died, he hasn’t shown much emotion towards his parents death at all.”

 

“This increase in partying is probably his way of showing that emotion, or not showing it at least.”

 

“I just wish I could take his pain away. I wish I could be sure that this will all pass but I fear that he will always be spending each night throwing parties or attending them and getting more drunk than anyone should. On top of it all, I’m not sure how much l can stay here. I should have left last year but I couldn’t bear to leave him alone.”

 

“Maybe you should have,” we both heard from the doorway and I looked over quickly to see Tony standing there. “I’m kind of tire of hearing you complain about how I decided to live my own life. Not everyone can be as perfect as you, Maddi.” He went for the refrigerator as he spoke so casually.

 

“That is not fair Tony, you know I have never been perfect and I certainly don’t expect you to be either. I care about you and your health and I know what constantly drinking and partying and having women over all the time actually does to someone and I don’t want to see that with you.”

 

“Really, I find it hard to believe that you know about anything you’re talking about. You grew up the cute 1930s, you married a man pretty much as pure and innocent as you, married your high school sweetheart and was a widow before 30. You spent the rest of your life stuck at a young age physically but you act 50 years older. Tell me exactly how you know so much about this dangerous life I’m living.”

 

“Tony my uncle, only family left when I was a teenager, was an alcoholic and it ruined our relationship. Ruined everything at that time actually, and it was practically a lifetime ago so yeah I might be a little detached from that example. It almost feels insignificant at times even. You’re father certainly had his fill of drinking, partying, and sleeping around before he met your mother, but I guess that wouldn’t really count to you either because he certainly was able to stop that when he wanted. As for myself, there were years that I lived worse than you are right now. A time where I tried every single drug you could ever think of, drank every bottle of alcohol I could get my hands on but none of it had an actual physical effect on me. Didn’t matter though because I still was able to turn off my emotions without the help of any of that. All of that and more was because I was more alone than I had ever been. I didn’t, don’t, want you to feel that alone. You won’t get so lucky. I couldn’t die of alcohol poisoning, I couldn’t catch any sexual diseases and I could get pregnant by accident.”

 

“Jesus Maddi, I know how to protect myself-”

 

“That’s not the point! You are trying to ignore how you’re feeling exactly like I did. You’ve been doing it longer than your parents have been dead!”

 

“You don’t get to tell me how I feel. I know what I’m doing and don’t need you to pretend to be my mother and tell me what to do anymore.”

 

“Maybe the two of you should take a moment to calm down,” Jarvis tried to intervene but it was to no avail.

 

“Maybe I should just leave then? Get out of your hair, I mean it’s not like I could stay much longer anyway,” I said.

 

“Oh yeah because it’s not like anyone important knows or cares who Madison Carbonell is anyway, but sure run away again. It seems like that’s kind of a pattern for you right Maddi? Every time things get too scary or hard to understand and handle for you, you just run. Don’t preach to me about masking your feelings when you still do it after over 70 years of trying to figure your shit out. So yeah, go please. I’m tired of having to explain my every move to you, and you really just need to get a life outside my own.”

 

I couldn’t even respond after what he said, his words really cut like a knife. I just nodded slowly as I tried to take it all in and decide what to do in that moment. Eventually I said “you’re right. I’ll give you your space, but I’m never going to stop caring so just remember that okay.” I turned to Jarvis and continued “take care of him, keep me updated.”

 

“Maddi wait,” Tony started to say but I stopped him.

 

“No Tony, don’t worry. I’m not mad,” I knew he was going to try and get me to stay but it was time we faced the facts. “Really, I want you to take better care of yourself, but you are an adult. You can make your own decisions. It may seem silly the things that scare me, but I can’t help it. I won’t be gone forever, but you’ve had me to rely on your entire life and I think you need to figure some things out on your own before I can help you anymore. I’ll leave my stuff here; I’m pretty good at living a minimal lifestyle. I will let you figure out who you are: not the person your dad always wanted you to be or the person I always saw you as or the person you think you have to be, but who you really are and who you really want to be. Just know that if you ever need me, I’ll know and I’ll come running to be there for you. You will always be my friend, my family.” 

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


September 30, 2003

 

“Maddi? What are you doing here?” I stood in front of Tony at his California mansion and it was clear that he had been crying before I got there. 

 

“I told you I would know when you needed me; I told you I would come right away. I meant it.”

 

“How did you hear?”

 

“He and I have been writing each other letters since I left. He told me when Ana passes last year and I almost came then but he told me not to. His last letter told me about his diagnosis.” He immediately wrapped me in a hug and I held him back.

 

“I have a room set up for him inside, a nurse stays with him all day and I have a doctor come in regularly to check on him. He’s tired Maddi, and I don’t think it’ll be much longer until he’s gone.”

 

He took me to the room and as soon as Jarvis saw me he smiled from his bed. “Hey there old man,” I said with a smile. 

 

“What are you doing here Maddi?” he said in a hoarse voice. 

 

“Honey, I wasn’t about to let you be alone with Tony any longer, I think you’ve suffered enough.” He smiled some more at my words and I sat down next to him.

 

“You know, everytime you leave and come back years later, you sound even more southern than before.”

 

I laughed and responded, “and you still sound just as British as when I met you, maybe even more.” I winked at him and he nodded. Jarvis soon fell back asleep and I went to the kitchen with Tony. 

 

“Doctor says he’ll probably be gone by the end of the week,” Tony said and I sighed. “Thank you for coming. I didn’t even know how to contact you, and to think you and Jarvis have been writing letters to each other like its still 1940.”

 

“Ha ha, I guess I should get used to the old lady jokes?”

 

“If you plan on staying around for long. You are staying right?”

 

“I’ll stay as long as you’d like. I’ve spent the last ten years renting a place in Nashville. I can’t help it, I’m always drawn back to that area I guess. I’ve visited Peggy in DC a bit too though,and I really have missed you. I’m sorry I never told you where I went, I just knew that it would be best to let you really figure things out without me.”

 

“Nah it’s fine. You’re right, I was able to figure things out without you. Besides, I’ve had Jarvis.”

 

“I’ve see your successes. Stark Industry is truly thriving, or so I’ve heard.” 

 

“Ha yeah, honestly I could probably use your help with the company if you want. I know you picked up some business skills long ago, that’s never really been my area of expertise. I prefer to do the tinkering while Obadiah works a lot of the CEO stuff out behind the scenes, he was always good at it with Dad too.”

 

“Well I’ll need a good cover if I’ll be working with you. Stark Industries is certainly a much more high profile job than waitressing at a diner.”

 

“We can figure something out. I want you to stay around for a while, and I want to work on your aging issue.”

 

I sighed and shook my head. He was certainly a lot like his father was. “Tony, you know that’s never really worked.”

 

“I know, I know, but I’ve got better stuff to work with than Dad ever did.”

 

“You’re also a lot less familiar with biological chemistry than your dad was. For now, let’s just focus on Jarvis.” He nodded in agreement. I knew he liked to work to keep his mind off of things, but I didn’t want him to miss out on spending these last few moments with one of the most important people in his life since he was a child. “You’ve taken care of him the best you could, it’s gonna be alright.”

 

“I know, I just wish I could do as good of a job as he did all those years taking care of me.”

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  


November 5, 2011 (STEVE’S POV)

 

I took a walk down the street from the apartment SHIELD had placed me in the middle of Manhattan. It really didn’t get much different from the 1940s than this, so I wasn’t sure if it was poor planning on their parts or they just wanted to make me adjust as fast as possible and they thought this would be helpful. I looked up at the buildings I passes, they were so tall it didn’t seem like it was possible for them to be so structurally sound. Architecture had certainly been one of the many changing things over the years, that was especially clear when seeing the new buildings still in process of being made. Just a few blocks from the apartment was a very tall and large building still being finished, but the name ‘STARK’ was already shown very clearly on its side. It must have been the son of Howard who was having the building made, and it just seemed incredibly egotistical to have your own name plastered on the side of a giant building like that. 

 

Even in this completely different and modern world, I have these small reminders of my past. It doesn’t help that I’m constantly thinking about Maddi. The more I tried to research about her, the more frustrated I got because it was practically impossible. There were vague articles about her, but they often played her off as Howard’s assistant at the time they were written. Other than that, the rest were from when I was still around, but those were just as dismissive to her actual value as well. She often told me that she was impressed with how I handled the spotlight well during my time as Captain America, she was never offended by being casted aside as ‘just the girlfriend,’ but I felt like she deserved so much better than that. It just felt wrong that so many people knew who Captain America was but nobody really cared about Maddi. I felt like she certainly had just as much, even more, contributions to society than I did but it seemed like only SHIELD held actually any information. Even with them, it was limited. The fact that I knew her for most of her life, and I knew that what they had was so limited to what she actually accomplished, it made me certain that they were missing elements from the time after as well. I just wish I knew how I could find out more. I was told that many of our old belongings were in a museum, and I wanted to be able to get them back, but the idea of looking through it all felt too painful. 

 

I still thought a lot about contacting Peggy, the only person still alive that I knew, but that scared me too. Sure, I really wanted a friend through all of this, but I knew that her age would only make me feel worse. I needed more time to adjust before I could handle it. Above all things, I really just wanted Maddi. I wanted to hear her voice as she told me to stop worrying. I wanted to hear her laugh as gawked at every new thing I encountered in the 21st century. I wanted to see her eyes sparkle as she told me everything that happened while I was gone and I wanted to hold her in my arms as I released all the tension and pain I was feeling. Every night I didn’t have a nightmare, I dreamed about what it would have been like if I had been found a year or even five years after going into the ice. Would she still have been involved in a lab explosion? Would we have been able to have that family we always wanted. I honestly didn’t know if the nightmares or these perfect dreams that would never come true were actually worse. Both left me feeling worse when I woke up, and I just couldn’t seem to escape my thoughts. I didn’t understand what the point of having this second chance without her; I would give anything just to see her smile at me one more time.

 

 

* * *

  
  
  


**A/N: All this time jumping is honestly exhausting to write about. I want to get it right, but I really want it to go by faster. Honestly, I have pretty much the rest of this story mapped out in my head, and I wish nothing more than to just have it all written and ready to post with the snap of a finger (*nudge nudge wink wink*). Let me know what you thought about this chapter and where you think it’ll go next!**


	48. Chapter 48

**Way Back Into Love (2007)- Hugh Grant, Hayley Bennett**

 

 

* * *

 

 

February 3, 2004

 

“Tony I still don’t know if this is a good idea or not,” I said in a small private room outside the press conference room of Stark Industries.

 

“Maddi I promise it’ll be fine. I was able to practically erase most of the information on Madeline Bennett from the internet in terms of photos and videos. There really wasn’t much to begin with, I don’t think that’ll be anyone’s first guess in trying to say you aren’t who we say you are. We have the necessary documents to pull this off, besides, we don’t need to show them as long as I say it is true. It’s not like you’re some random person saying these things without my knowledge.”

 

“I know I know, I just don’t see why we can’t just keep my identity more private. It could be like when you were growing up, nobody even cared about who Madison Carbonell was.”

 

“It doesn’t matter who you pretend to be, people are going to wonder who you are if you’re helping me with the company. You never did that with Dad when you came back in the late 60s. This will be better, I promise, it’ll let us still be family.”

 

“I just don’t feel like it’s fair to your father, I mean it completely rewrites who he was.”

 

“Oh please, this is perfectly on brand to who he was before he met Mom. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if this were a real situation.”

 

“Perfect, let’s just invite other women to try and do the same thing. It might even be true with them, and then what? Also, what happens if it’s been over a decade and you still haven’t found a solution to my aging? I know you’re very confident but it’s already been almost a year and we haven’t gotten any results. I’ve been through this over and over Tony, it just isn’t going to happen.”

 

“We can figure that out when we get to that point, please just give it a shot.”

 

I sighed and looked at him hesitantly. “You sound just like your dad used to when we first found out why was wrong with me.”

 

“Personally I don’t think anything is actually wrong with you, I mean it is all about perspective. I think that if-”

 

“Tony,” I stopped him from continuing. “Alright I’ll do it. Just know that since this is more public, it’ll be so much more difficult, if it isn’t completely impossible, to move forward in the future. It won’t be like when I just left and came back ten years later. I never met any of your dad’s coworkers before, was never in any press, I was in the background so it was easier. This will change that.”

 

“I know, and I know that I can figure it out if doesn’t all go to plan. Just trust me.”

 

“Okay, let’s do this.” We walked outside the small room and were met by Obadiah Stane before going into the press room. He stopped us before we could walk any further.

 

“Tony, you gotta give me more information, when you hold a press conference I feel like I should know the contents before the press does,” he said.

 

“Doesn’t really pertain the company, so I think it’s alright that you find out with everyone else. Don’t worry, we won’t make you wait much longer.” He turned to me before grabbing the door to open and asked, “Jen are you ready?” I responded by nodding my head and we walked in. Once we got the attention of everyone in the room, Tony began to speak to all the reporters. “I’ve called you here to announce some news that is personal but hey most of my life is already public knowledge so why not this too? Honestly, it’s important for people to know and to hear from my directly because there would be rumors otherwise and I don’t want there to be anyone having the wrong idea. So here it goes.” He gestured for me to to step forward and I did as he continued “This here is Jennifer O'Neill. Within the last year we have met and I discovered some new information about the past of my Dad. Jennifer, do you want to tell them?”

 

My eyes widened because I wasn’t supposed to do any of the talking. “Excuse me?” I whispered at him.

 

“Come on, you need to address them at some point, better to do it now,” he whispered back and then smiled at the eagerly waiting reporters. He stepped aside and had me stand in front of the microphones.

 

“Hello,” I said with a small smile. It had been a long time since I talked to any reporter,let alone this many at once. “My name is Jennifer O’Neill. I grew up in a small town in Arkansas with my parents, my mother’s name was Nancy. She was raised only by her mother, my grandmother, as her father was Howard Stark.” As soon as the words left my mouth, a massive amount of questions came flooding from every direction. Tony nodded for me to continue over them. “She was born in 1957 and had me in 1978. Her mother never told Howard that she was going to have his child, she only moved away, worried because of their unmarried status, and raised my mother on her own. She died before I was born.” I spoke louder that time to be heard over the chatter. Tony must have thought that was a good time to take over again because he stood back in front of the mics. 

 

“Alright, we’ll answer some questions here for a bit if you all just settle down and do it in an orderly fashion,” Tony said.

 

“How do we know this woman is telling the truth?” One man in the front row was able to get his question out first.

 

“Jennifer and I have spent time together before making this public information. We have taken the necessary DNA tests and I can assure you that she is indeed my niece on my father’s side.”

 

“What does this mean for the company?” Someone else asked. 

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll still be your favorite CEO, she has no intention of trying to steal my job.”

 

“How does it feel that your father had another child?”

 

“Have you met your sister?”

 

Tony responded to both questions thrown at him “Unfortunately her mother died of a terminal illness a few years ago. I know it may come across as a shock, but there isn’t much we can ask from the people that are no longer with us. I think I’ll still hold the same image of my dad as I have my entire life, and I think the rest of America should too. His private life never was what this country focused on, I suggest to keep it that way.”

 

“Miss O’Niell, do you really expect us to believe you have no motives to show up right when Stark Industries has his an all time high in the stocks. With US involvement in war in the Middle East, it seems like there is no better time than now to be close to the head of the biggest weapons manufacturing company in America.” A woman to my our had addressed her question to me and before Tony could respond for me, I had him move aside so I could answer knowing it would be best to speak for myself here.

 

“Like Tony said, I didn’t come to take over his company. He certainly is better for this position than anyone else. I came because I don’t have any other living relatives left of either side of my family. My mother never felt the need to be a part of the Stark family, she was very content where we were. When she died, I just wanted to have a family again, and that is all I hope to gain from this.”

 

“Thank you for your questions,” Tony said after I finished. “We won’t be taking anymore.” Tony led me out the door and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding when we reached the other room. 

 

“So, you’re an uncle now?” Obadiah said as he walked in after us.

 

“Technically I’ve been an uncle since 1978, I just didn’t know it until now,” Tony said as he turned around.

 

“How long have you known about this without telling me?” he asked.

 

“Again, I didn’t think you needed to know until now.”

 

“Tony I’m your friend. This is stuff I think you should trust me with.” He lowered his voice as he put a hand on his shoulder and said “Also, I think this really does involve me when it’s about a woman who might claim rights to the company without a moment’s notice.” I rolled my eyes at his words. I had never met the man until now, but I never liked the attitude he held whenever I saw him on camera. 

 

“Obi, trust me. She won’t be making any claims to the company. She’s just going to be helping me out, she has a decent nack for science and business and I enjoy spending time with her. I’m not just her only family left, she also mine. I know what I’m doing so don’t worry.”

  
  


“She’s going to be helping you run Stark Industry now?!” he restrained from shouting. 

 

“We’ll talk about this later, I promise this is a good thing!” 

 

“It was nice meeting you Mr. Stane,” I said before we walked out the door.

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


April 15, 2004

 

I sat on Tony’s sofa flipping through resumes in front of me. “How about this one?” I said holding up one. “She seems more than capable and qualified to handle you, has already been working for Stark Industries for some time now and is praised for her organizational skills. Based on her files here, she seems the type to have enough patience to deal with you.”

 

“Still don’t know why I need a personal assistant,” Tony responded.

 

“Because you basically already have one and it’s me, but I’m not doing it anymore. I agreed to learn more about helping with the company, not managing your schedule and dealing with the aftermath of your continuing partying. You don’t want me to act like some overbearing mother, and I don’t want to mother a grown man. I love you like a son Tony, but you can hire someone to those things for you.”

 

“Okay fine, what’s her name?”

 

“Virginia Potts. Do you want to hold an interview with her?”

 

“No way, that’s certainly not my thing and you know it. Can you do it?”

 

“This is why you need an assistant. I swear, unless it has something to do with a new robot or weapon, you won’t do anything for yourself.” I paused for a few moments as I looked over the other applicants who seemed to be a decent fit but I kept going back to Miss Potts. “Fine, I’ll hold the interviews. Only because then I can make sure whoever is hired is based on genuine ability and not just someone you find attractive.”

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


May 2, 2008

 

“What do you mean he’s missing?” I said slowly as my hands started shaking. I was standing with Pepper as James Rhodes told us that Tony went missing after the weapons demonstration in Afghanistan. 

 

“There was an explosion and we were being fired at from all directions. We were caught off guard and after it was over we couldn’t find Tony. We believe he was taken by the group that attacked us. We’re searching everywhere we can for him, but we haven’t had any luck yet.” I fell into the seat near us and tried my best to control my breathing. I knew letting him go into such a dangerous area was a bad idea. Pepper sat next to me and took a hold of my hand. I squeezed it, not being able to say anything else.

 

She spoke up next. “But you’re sure he’s alive right? You’re going to be able to bring him home?”

 

“I really hope so,” he replied and that’s when I started crying. James was also his friend so I knew he was just as worried for Tony as I was. I couldn’t lose him, I just couldn’t. Besides Peggy who lived a quiet life of retirement with her family on the other side of the country, Tony was the only person I had left in my life that I loved with all my heart. 

 

“We’re going to get him back,” Pepper said to me, but she was clearly trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince me. I nodded regardless, putting all my faith into her words. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


May 5, 2008

 

I stood with Pepper, Obadiah, the Stark Board Members, and a few lawyers. “What is this about?” I asked why I was brought into this meeting. Although I have been working with Tony the past few years and learning more about the company, I was never involved directly in meetings like this. 

 

“This is outrageous, you can’t possibly think this is a good idea?” Obadiah said, clearly angry about the situation I still didn’t understand. 

 

“We know this isn’t ideal, but there isn’t anything we can do about it right now. Stark was very clear and took all the necessary legal actions to make this decision,” a board member said.

 

“What decision are you talking about?” Pepper asked exactly what I was thinking.

 

One of the lawyers spoke up in response “Mr. Tony Stark had decided that in the case of an emergency where he would not be able to fulfill the responsibilities of his position, that you, Miss Jennifer O’Neill, would act as Interim CEO. Due to recent events of him being missing, that action must be taken until he returns or the next step in replacing him permanently occurs.”

 

“There has to be something we can do to override this. She hasn’t even been a part of this company for five years yet!” Obadiah practically yelled in anger while I stood there still shocked. 

 

A board member responded “There isn’t anything we can do right now because she would be a temporary replacement. Tony gets full say in it just as Howard did for you when he died. Until Tony is found, declared dead, or is missing for too long, we cannot vote on a new CEO to take over.”

 

Obadiah ran a hand over his face and asked “What happens then? The next Stark in line gets to take over? Because apparently that would also be the hillbilly with no real experience and barely any actual ties to this company! How do we know this wasn’t all some orchestration for her to get the position?” He said the last sentence in a partial whisper yet still loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. It is what caused me to snap out of my surprise.

 

“Excuse me?” I asked with fire in my tone. “Tony Stark is my family, he is the most important person in my life right now, I would never do such a thing. I would give this company up a thousand times to get him back today, so don’t ever suggest I was behind his capture.” I turned to the other people in the room. “What if I refuse? I don’t want this position, I have enough to worry about as it is.”

 

“We’re afraid we cannot accept your decline Miss O’Neill,” one of the lawyers spoke before anyone else. “We can certainly process it and find someone else in time, but it’ll take just as long as if you were to simply take over the position as planned. You would have to act as CEO either way, and not declining will give the public eye faith in Mr. Stark’s decision and the company as a whole.”

 

“So if I don’t do it, it’ll make all of you, and Tony, look bad?” I asked. I was angry inside that so many people seemed to care more about this interim CEO position than getting Tony back. 

 

“I think that making me CEO is still the best option. I’ve done it in the past, I can do it again and a lot better than her. The public doesn’t need to know about who Tony chose anyway,” Obadiah interjected with determination to take the role he clearly wanted a lot.

 

I immediately realized that I needed to do it, for Tony because he chose me and for the fact that I didn’t want to see this man in front of me anywhere near Tony’s work. “You know what, I’ll do it. Tony believed in me, so I believe in him. Besides the goal is for Tony to be found and back as soon as possible. I hope that I won’t have this position for long, and I’m sure that if, God forbid, Tony doesn’t ever come back home, you’ll be first in line to take over after me.” I gave him a hard look of anger and distrust. “I look forward to working more with you all, but I really must leave in order to prepare myself for the coming task,” I said to the rest of the board.

 

“Alright Miss O’Neill, we will see you at the beginning of the week to discuss matters further,” one of them said but I didn’t really pay attention who because I was walking out the door with Pepper by my side as quickly as possible in order to not break down from my emotions in front of everyone.

 

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this,” I said to Pepper once we were alone and I was almost in tears. “I’m constantly worrying about Tony and whether I’ll ever get to see him again, I don’t want the stress of running a company on top of it.”

 

“Jen, I’m going to help you through this, and you won’t be expected to as much as you might think. I promise it’ll be alright, we’re going to get him back.” She said this and I smiled slightly, thankful that I had someone by my side that also cared about Tony and his safety and return before Stark Industries. 

  
  


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August 14, 2008

 

I stood next to Pepper waiting for Tony as the plane he was on opened up. I was fiddling with my hands when I saw him walking towards us with James Rhodes’ help. He had his arm in a sling along with other bumps and cuts, and he looked very weak and tired. I ran quickly to him, not being able to wait a second longer for him to get to me. “You cannot do that to me ever again!” I said as I wrapped him in a hug. I didn’t squeeze too hard so I wouldn’t hurt him, and he wrapped his free arm around me. 

 

“Oh come on Jen, you’ve lived plenty of years without me, you could have lived plenty more,” he joked but I shook my head while holding back tears.

 

“Speaking of that, we have two new people in on our secret,” I said in a hushed tone.

 

“Really?!” He asked in surprise. “Who would that be?”

 

“Who do you think?” James said for me and I smiled. “Honestly, as your best friend I feel I should have gotten to learn before Happy!” Tony and Peggy were the only people who knew who I really was after Jarvis died in 2003. It stayed that way until the next year when both Tony and I decided to tell Happy because Tony trusted him with his own life, and it would have been very hard to keep up the secret with him being so close to Tony and insisting on doing an extensive background check on my alias. We told him before Tony was able to remove pretty much all information on my life in the 40’s from online sources and before we made my alias public. After two months of Tony being missing, I had told James and Pepper as I had become very close to them in our shared worry over Tony’s life. Them knowing also let them realize even more why I was so devastated at the idea of losing Tony, he wasn’t just an Uncle I met five years before, he was a boy I helped raise and loved with all my heart. 

 

“Pepper also knows, her and I became very close as she helped me run your company that you, for reasons I will never understand, decided to leave to me in case of an emergency.” I gave him a mocked angry look but couldn’t contain my smile because I was just so happy to see him. I didn’t want to lose hope in finding him, but it was so hard as it kept taking longer to find him. The idea of having someone else so important to me die without me ever being able to see him again, not even able to bury his body, it just put me at a constantly anxious state. “Don’t do that again either!” I added as I thought back again about how I had to be in charge of one of the biggest companies in the world for months. “I am certainly not the best option when it comes to emergency CEO.”

 

“Alright, alright,” he chuckled while he conceded to my request. “I just figured it would be good to keep it in the family, but I’ll be sure to assign the job to someone else if I ever get kidnapped again.”

 

After he greeted Pepper and we were in the car about to head towards the hospital, Tony directed us differently. After some argument, we ended up at Stark Industries Headquarters with Pepper having called a press conference for Tony. As we waited to what he had to say, none of us imagined he was planning to disband the weapons manufacturing division of his company. While everyone around were in shock and clearly upset about his decision, I couldn’t help but feel more curious and a bit proud of this change.

  
  


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September 19, 2008

 

I stood by at another press conference being held by Tony to address the new “Iron Man” that had become a part of our lives within the last month. I was sitting in my apartment in LA when I saw on the news about the two suited men fighting in the streets. I had immediately tried to call Tony or Pepper and came up with nobody answering. I had already known about Tony’s work on the suit, but I hadn’t known anything about the other person. I had quickly made my way towards Stark Headquarters and was found with the aftermath of the fight. After making sure Tony was alright, I couldn’t help but yell at him in frustration for not letting me know about the danger he had put himself in. Especially when he had known that Obadiah had been selling weapons under the table and had the capability of being as dangerous as he ended up being.

 

“You know, I could make you a suit too,” he said to me as he was getting prepped to tell the public that it wasn’t actually him in the suit the night before.

 

“Are you kidding me?” I looked at him like he was crazy. “I don’t like the idea of you in that thing, do you really think I want to have one of my own?”

 

“We’ll talk more about this later,” he said as he was ushered out of the room after given the cards that he was supposed to follow for his cover.

 

“No I really think we shouldn’t.”

 

Tony began his speech exactly how the cards told him to, but after a thrown question from one of the reporters, he paused and decided to put them down. I held my breath, trying to figure out what more damage he would have to clean up after this when he said “Truth is, I am Iron Man.”

 

Immediately every reporter shot up at the confirmation of Tony being the person in the suit the previous day. “You would think that I shouldn’t really be surprised anymore when he does things like this, but I can’t help being shocked every time he opens his mouth,” Pepper said to me as everyone around us tried to get closer to Tony and ask him more questions.

 

“Oh you have no idea,” I respond shaking my head in equal disbelief as we head towards the door that Happy was guiding Tony towards.

 


	49. Chapter 49

**Lucky (2009)- Jason Mraz**

**Make You Feel My Love (2009)- Adele**

**I Won’t Give Up (2011)- Jason Mraz**

 

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May 21, 2009

 

“What the hell were you thinking?!” I yelled as Tony walked into his house in California. I had been waiting there for him to return since the incident in Monaco. 

 

“Um I was thinking I got a bad guy arrested and his weapons confiscated,” He said and Pepper rolled her eyes at his words while looking at me. She clearly had the same thoughts as I did.

 

“Jesus Tony, why do I constantly keep fighting you with this? Maybe you should realize that I’m talking about the sudden entry into the freaking Grand Pix. Everything you’ve been doing lately is just over the top and extreme: the Expo, making Pepper CEO, the race. This self destructive behavior is getting too much for me to handle anymore.”

 

“Alright then why don’t you stop trying? That’s what you did when it was too much last time.”  He paused and we stared at each other because I didn’t even have a response. “I’m doing fine, Pepper is running the company better than I could and we all know that. You don’t need to worry about me, so you don’t need to handle me. Don’t feel bad about it either.” He walked away and I felt frozen. I wasn’t going to run again. He was so hard to reach sometimes and I knew I never made it easier by leaving him for ten years. That didn’t make me feel like I should be any easier on him though because he was behaving more and more recklessly and I wanted to figure out what I could do to actually help.

 

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May 30, 2009

 

I walked towards the donut shop that I had been contacted about being where Tony had been spotted. After the complete disaster that happened at his party the night before, I had to find him to make sure he was alright. I was the only one that cared at the moment about his well being since everyone was very angry with him. I saw him sitting at a booth and I headed straight for him. “Do you know how hard it was for me to find you? Tony I care about you more than anyone, but you keep making it so hard to help you. You used to talk to me about your feelings instead of hide from me while you put yourself in danger causing everyone to be against you.”

 

Tony cleared his throat and gestured in front of him while saying “Uh, this is my niece. Jen, this is Nick Fury, and you know Natalie but it’s not really Natalie anymore.” My eyes widened as I turned to face the two sitting with him. I had been so focused on Tony, I didn’t even notice he was with other people. 

 

“Oh hello, I’m sorry about that I just-”

 

I was cut off by Nick Fury. “Just Fury is fine, and it’s so good to finally meet you Dr. Rogers. Please sit down.” I froze at how he addressed me, and at first I thought I misheard him but I knew I hadn’t heard that since the 50s.

 

“Um, I think you might be thinking of someone else. My name is Jennifer O’Neill, it’s nice to meet you,” I said holding out my hand but he didn’t take it. I slowly took it back and sat down next to Tony.

 

“Oh yes of course, my mistake,” he said but then continued with “but I think I might be confusing myself then. Aren’t you also Sofia Carter? How about Madison Carbonell, Lucille Montgomery? And of course Madeline Rogers and before that Madeline Bennett?” I turned to Tony and he looked just as shocked as I was. I had no idea who this person was and how he knew about every single fake identity I had including my real name. 

 

“We don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tony tried to say but it was no use.

 

“How did you figure it out?” I asked dryly, knowing there was no way around it.

 

“I work with the agency SHIELD, which I am sure you are very familiar with. Don’t worry, only Agent Romanoff here and I know. It didn’t even happen until you decided to hold a press conference five years ago revealing you were Tony Stark’s niece. I took it upon myself to do some real research, not even Stark here can hide everything from me about who you were.”

 

“Is that why you’re here right now? Why wait so long.”

 

“Oh no, we are here for Stark. Brought some files from his dad’s work, gave him some more time to figure out how to save his own life.”

 

“Save his own life, Tony are you dying?” I completely disregarded the fact that the people in front of us knew who I actually was as I turned to face him.

 

“It’s just a little hiccup in the palladium in my chest. I’ve got it under control.”

 

“Is that why you’ve been acting like this, you’re dying? Why didn’t you tell me, I could have helped you.”

 

“Look I can handle it-” he tried to keep saying but Fury cut him off.

 

“No no, I think that is an excellent idea. Dr. Rogers here can certainly help you figure out your father’s research and come up with a replacement.”

 

“She hasn’t studied science since the 1950s, is that really a good idea?” Agent Romanoff asked.

 

“Then I think it’s about time she gets back into it,” he responded.

 

“Excuse me, why do you expect me to trust either of you right now? You come in here saying that Tony is dying, you know my identity, Natalie or Agent Romanoff or whoever here has also been lying to both of us on her own identity for weeks now,” I was manifesting my worry about the entire situation into anger for these two people.

 

“Oh we’ve been over some of that, she’s definitely fire,” Tony added.

 

“Agent Romanoff, can you take Mr. Stark here back to his house to get started while I continue my chat with Dr. Rogers?”

 

“Um no, I think that I’ll be staying here thank you-” Tony tried but was cut off by me shaking my head.

 

“Tony it’s alright, I want to hear what else he has to say.”

 

He thought for a few minutes and said “if she’s not back with me in a hour, you’ll have a lot more problems to deal with.” He got up and left the building while I stared at Fury, not wanting to break my composure.

 

“So why haven’t you contacted me if you’ve known for so long who I really was?” I began the conversation.

 

“I’ve been observing you as I’ve gotten to know you better. Agent Romanoff has been able to gather some insight, although her mission wasn’t you, it certainly helped me. You’ve spent this entire time in hiding when you could have had everything Stark has and more.”

 

“I didn’t want any of that. I didn’t even want this to happen to me, it was an accident when I was stupid and lacked judgement because of grieving.”

 

“I know Stark has built a suit for you. I know it’s not for him because it doesn’t have the coverage needed for keeping a normal human being alive. You, however, don’t need to be bullet proof or really anything proof because of your abilities. He just wanted to make something you could fly in, shoot stuff down.”

 

I sighed in frustration because I knew Tony wouldn’t listen to me when I told him I didn’t want any part in being a hero with him. “He made that without my knowledge or consent, I don’t want it.”

 

“Really, you don’t want to be a hero like your husband was? How come you never let anyone at SHIELD know that you were indestructible? You did help find the company.”

 

“Well I never wanted to be a lab rat, Steve didn’t either.”

 

“Steve served his country, he knew the responsibility that came with what he was given,” Fury responded. 

 

“Yeah and it got him killed,” I snapped, but after a few minutes I sighed and looked down. “Look, I know that even before he worked overseas fighting for our country he was making a difference. It just wasn’t the difference he was hoping to make. It’s not what he wanted but he handled it well; it’s certainly not what I want.”

 

“I would believe you, if you hadn’t become such a public figure within the last few years.”

 

I scoffed and shook my head “I’d hardly call Jennifer O’Neill a public figure.”

 

He laughed at my response and said “now I know you can’t be naive enough to believe that. You’re alias is Tony Stark’s niece who has helped run his company for years. You were even interim CEO while he was missing.”

 

“That wasn’t my decision, Tony had been the one to place me in charge in case of emergency.”

 

“Regardless, I was able to find out who you really were because of your decision to hold that press conference revealing you were a part of the Stark family. It’s only a matter of time before the general public figure it out too. What happens when you don’t age and more people than ever are at risk of knowing.”

 

I hesitated because that was a question I had been thinking about for years. Tony had always been so sure about his ability to fix everything, but I thought this just wouldn’t be something he could figure out. “I’ve learned to take one step at a time.”

 

“Well let me know how that works out for you in the future.” He stopped, contemplated his next words and then continued “do you want to know what I honestly think about your situation Dr. Rogers?”

 

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me anyway,” I said with an eye roll.

 

“I think you’re tired of being hidden for so long and this is your way of slowly revealing yourself to the world. I’ll let you take it at your own pace, but you give me a call when you want to start using your abilities to help people instead of hide behind another Stark.” He left me alone and I just thought about what he said and what that could possibly mean for me. Part of me believed what he said might be true, but most of me thought it was a ridiculous assumption.

  
  


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November 3, 2011

 

I walked into Tony’s house in Malibu and called out as I closed the front door. “Hey Tony, I’m here. What did you need me for?” I walked into the living room to find him sitting with Nick Fury and I stopped in my place. “Oh, you’re here.”

 

“Come sit down Maddi,” Tony said and I looked at him confused.

 

“Is this why you called me, what is he doing here?”

 

“There’s something important that we need to tell you, the news hasn’t been leaked to the public yet, but after careful consideration, I decided it was best that you heard now.”

 

“What are you talking about? Is this about the fact that I’m approaching an age where I can no longer pass as Jennifer O’Neill? Because I still have a few more years, I know it’s something to keep in mind but-”

 

“Maddi,” Tony stopped me from continuing. “Just sit and listen please.” He looked more serious than I had seen in a long time and it worried me. Tony doesn’t usually pass up opportunities to joke around, so whatever this was had to be important.

 

“Alright,” I said sitting next to Tony. “What is it?”

 

“Three weeks ago, we found Steve Rogers in ice in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean. We found him alive, and two weeks ago he woke up,” Fury said and then paused to let me process, except I had no idea how to process what he said.

 

I started to breath a little harder as I looked between the two men in the room. “What?” was all I could manage to say. 

 

“To him, it felt like no time had passed at all. He looks exactly the same, and it was a big shock to tell him he was actually in the 21st century. We’ve given him an apartment in Manhattan, and as far as he knows, you died in 1958. Now we know that he will recognize you if and when he finds out about Tony Stark’s niece. When he does some digging, he will either know it is actually you or assume that Jennifer O’Neill’s unknown grandmother was actually you. Obviously both assumptions will lead him to try and find you so I thought it was in the best interest for you to know first, and for you to decide what to do next. I strongly advise that you tell him who you really are, and integrate with him into SHIELD.” Everything he was saying just blended together and I couldn’t even comprehend most of it. Steve was alive, he was still young, and he was currently living in Manhattan thinking I was dead. 

 

“What do you mean by integrating them into SHIELD?” Tony asked as I remained silent. 

 

“I believe they would both be great additions to the agency. With one joining, the other would be sure to follow.”

 

“No,” I finally said. “I told you before that I don’t want to be a part of SHIELD, that part of my life ended a long time ago and so did my life with Steve.” I stopped and my eyes widened. “Oh my God, Steve.”

 

Tony grabbed my hand a squeezed it to keep me grounded as Fury responded “You don’t really have many options anymore. Rogers keeps trying to find out more about you, and it’s only a matter of time before he looks for the only people still alive connected to his old life: Peggy Carter or Howard’s son.”

 

“Hey just give her some time alright?” Tony snapped.

 

“This is his address, you need to make a decision before it is made for you.” He left a card with an address written on it, and then he went out the front door leaving me alone with Tony and my racing thoughts.

 

“This is a dream, isn’t it?” I asked Tony “This cannot be possible, Steve died in 1945. I have to be dreaming, this isn’t real.”

 

“Maddi, it’s real.” I was breathing harder and harder and I couldn’t keep myself from spiraling into a nervous breakdown. 

 

“Sir, she seems to be having a panic attack,” I heard JARVIS say overhead.

 

“Yeah I can see than!” Tony snapped. “Hey look at me, breath with me.” Tony tried to calm me down but all I could think about was what this could possibly mean. 

 

“Tony I can’t see him, I can’t” I said in between each breath. “What would I even say? How could I see him after all this time?”

 

“You don’t have to make this decision now, this is huge news and I don’t expect you to know what to do. You’re going to figure it out, you always do.”

 

“And joining SHIELD? I can’t do that, you’re the superhero, not me. I can’t do any of that.”

 

“You definitely don’t have to make that decision anytime soon. You don’t wanna be in Fury’s super secret club, you don’t have to be.”

 

“What if I just never tell him?” I asked quickly. “If he finds you we can lie, Peggy can lie. Even with her old age, she’s been so good at keeping my secret, she can do it again. Like Fury said, maybe I can just be my own granddaughter. I wouldn’t have to face him as me, plenty of people look like spitting images of when their grandparents were young.”

 

“Is that really what you want? Him believing his wife had a secret child with one of his friends years after he died?” 

 

“I don’t know! I just can’t handle things changing anymore. I’m happy with the life I’ve made for myself now. I spent years mourning him, if we had found him a year later, five years later, hell even ten years! Things are completely different now, he will still see me as his wife, I have spent decades living through different lives that I loved and hated and I’m happier now than I have been in a long time.”

 

“Listen whatever you decide, I’ll back it up 100%. Just make sure you’re actually happy with your decision because things are going to change no matter what you pick.”

  
  


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November 8, 2011

 

I sat  in my apartment living room early in the morning still thinking about Steve. I had barely been able to sleep all week, and I hadn’t gone to work since I found out. I still couldn’t even process how I felt about the who situation, there was no way I could actually make a decision yet on what I wanted to do. As I continued to get lost in my thoughts, I heard a knock on the door. I got up and answered it to see Pepper standing there with a small smile. “Tony told me, can I come in?” she asked and I nodded as I let her in.

 

“Of course he told you,” I said, not really angry because I wasn’t surprised.

 

“Well I wanted to know why you hadn’t been at work all week. I knew you weren’t just sick, can you even get sick? That’s besides the point. How are you doing?” We sat at my kitchen table and I sighed.

 

“I don’t know. I just can’t stop the million thoughts going through my head. Probably the one I hate the most is that I was the one who told Howard to stop looking for him all those years ago. If I hadn’t, maybe we would have found him before, we could have had an actual life together. He wouldn’t be stuck in the middle of this new world alone.”

 

She thought for a second before saying “well, first thing you need to know is that’s not your fault. You thought he had died, it would make sense to tell one of your friends to stop spending all his time trying to find him. It was an important part in all of your healing. Secondly, he doesn’t have to be alone if that’s a worry of yours.”

 

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed “I know. I just don’t think I can do it. So much has changed since then. I just know that there is no way I can see him when he’s still in the mindset he was back in 1945. I can’t, I’m not the person he knew anymore.”

 

“Really?” she asked with an unexpected laugh. “Let me ask you a few questions. Would Steve describe the Maddi he knew as driven, smart, determined, kind, loving? Would he say that you are someone who always puts the people she loves first in her life? Would he want you to be happy no matter what?”

 

I paused and shrugged “I guess.”

 

“Then you are the person he knew, because that is the person I know.”

 

I looked at her and gave her a sad smile “That’s very kind of you, but I just don’t think he would really like the things I used to do, and him and Tony would probably hate each other once they actually got to know each other. My life is so different than what we used to imagine, I couldn’t go back into the role I was for him just like that.”

 

“Then don’t” she responded. “I think you should go find him and tell him the truth. He shouldn’t be left in the dark, he is grieving the loss of you and everything else in his old life right now. Think back to the pain you felt for so long because you thought he was dead, do you really want him to be feeling that with you right now?”

 

“I think it might be kinder than letting him see me now and knowing it will never be the same again.”

 

“He knows it’ll never be the same. He doesn’t know that you got to live this full happy life, and I think he should see that you did get to be happy and didn’t die back in 1958. Seeing him doesn’t mean you need to all of a sudden be his wife again, you don’t need to become a SHIELD agent or superhero. I think this would be good for you even if it is just for closure. From the years of knowing you and the small things you’ve talked about when it came to your life with Steve, I think you still love him. Maybe not in the same way, but you’ve always loved him. You owe it to him and yourself to not let this sit in the dark.”

 

I thought about what she said and it terrified me that she was very right. I did still love Steve, I never stopped after decades of not seeing him. After losing more people and gaining those I loved now, I could never get rid of that small part of me that held Steve close to my heart. I knew there was no way it was like when we were young and together, but I couldn’t ignore it. That is how I found myself in New York City several hours later calling Tony. “I’m in New York Tony,” I said as he answered his phone. “I took your plane and I flew to New York and now I’m here, I’m in Manhattan.”

 

“Yeah I know, I talked to Pepper.” I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, maybe this was a bad idea. “I’m glad she talked to you, are you alright?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”  
  


“No, I got you a hotel room already, STARK Tower isn’t finished yet. Check in at the Four Seasons, they’re already ready for you.”

 

“Tony, I could have gotten my own hotel room.”

 

“Please, this is the least I can do. Besides, they always give me the penthouse whenever I want it.”

 

“Tony! I don’t even know if I’m staying past tomorrow, I don’t need a suite bigger than my apartment.”

 

“Just take it, you’re going to need a good night’s sleep before going over tomorrow. No backing out now, I won’t let you come back home until you at least see him. You want to know this at least wasn’t all some prank.”

  
  
  


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November 9, 2011

 

I woke up in the ridiculously large and expensive hotel suite very early the next day. I often didn’t let Tony spend so much money on me, but there were many times that it was unavoidable with him. I tried to take my time getting ready, but I soon found myself I had nothing else to do but go over towards the address that Fury had left me. I stared at the card and within seconds I ran to the bathroom and threw up all the breakfast I had just eaten. I felt like I was crazy actually being in New York about to go look for husband that had died 66 years before but was now alive and living in Manhattan of all places. I decided to walk to the apartment because it wasn’t that far and I was still stalling as much as possible. My stomach and head was turning the entire way there. I got to the building and almost ran the other way back, but I forced myself to go in anyway. I finally got to his floor and stood in front of his door. Steve was probably on the other side. Unless he wasn’t at home, then I probably would go back to LA because there was no way I was going to be able to wait around for him. I just kept standing there for what felt like an hour before I finally lifted my hand to knock. I couldn’t even feel myself knock but I heard it. I also heard shuffling from the other side of the door and my body went into a full panic mode. I wanted to sprint out of there before it was opened. I was just about to turn around and do just that when the handle began to move and the door opened.

 

Before me stood a face I knew better than anyone else’s in the entire world. Even after decades of not seeing it in person, I knew every single inch. He stood in comfortable looking clothes, and there was a look of permanent pain on his face. He froze as our eyes locked and I could feel myself shaking as neither of us said anything. “Hi,” was all I could seem to manage and Steve’s eyes looked even more pained than before.

 

More silence followed my one word greeting and I had no way of being able to form any more words except that. Once again I almost felt like running, there was no way this was actually Steve. This was all one long dream, or he was a hallucination or maybe even a clone. Everything else felt more plausible. Then he finally found his voice and all that left his lips was “Maddi?”

  
  


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**A/N:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsomZAYf9QE> Super important!! Please click on this link to a YouTube video I created. It is Maddi and Steve’s story up to this very point and I have spent so much time on it. Honestly like a year developing and redoing it so I would really appreciate if you all watched and let me know what you think! I’m not super tech savvy so it was pretty hard to get it to a point that I am actually really proud of. **

 

**We made it!!!! I’m so excited to keep writing about the rest of their time together! Please tell me your thoughts, ask your questions. I know I zoomed through the two Iron Man films, but I felt that anything I might have missed or might have explained not as well could be answered directly if you guys wanted to ask those questions. I hope to get the next chapter to you guys soon!**

 

**Also, from research I know that my recent date timeline isn’t perfect to the movies, but it is what fits my own story best so I am going to keep it that way. It will follow mostly in the future with maybe a few changes like in this chapter.**


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